kunaka1000 Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Hie There I'm feeling lost, confused, sad, angry, disappointed all at the same time. I have been dating my gf for about 4 months, she is a great person, we complement and get each other so well, i have day's sometimes i cannot believe someone like her exists She lost her both her Parents very close together, her Mom about 4 months ago. She is an over thinker and has days she experiences anxiety when this happens she shuts down, like now. Every time this happens i get caught and blamed for things even if its not my fault, even when she knows about personality being an introvert i get called out, i have been taking it because she does not mean it and she warned me before and i know she is going through a lot, but its starting to affect me, I'm starting to think maybe she deserves someone better than me and don't think i can take it anymore. Over the weekend she started feeling down and hasn't been okay ever since, i have called her everyday to make sure she is okay but there were days she wouldn't answer or call back the next day & when she does its just a few sentences so decided to give her some space, didn't speak to her for a day and to her its not okay, today she sent me this after telling me shes shutting down " Im just, closed off cos of Monday I know you had your own feelings about what was going on but you failed to "be there for me" , I feel strongly about that and so it'll be very difficult to be vulnerable around you, It's easier to have walls up" Hearing this hurt me, my eyes are even watery. I just feel after everything iv done and i do no matter what, its never good enough. & i don't know what to think or do anymore a part is telling me to just let go but i would be letting go someone i love so dearly
Ami1uwant Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Wait till she is out of this and then sit down and have a talk about this and how you are treated by her. does she get treatment for this?
Maldives Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 No you don't deserve to be a punching bag and put up with it . I lost both my parents too we all do doesn't entitle anyone to take it out on you
ShyViolet Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 She is clearly going through a very rough time. You are not her therapist and her mental health is not your responsibility. She should get counseling to help herself get through this and develop better coping skills. If she is not willing to get professional help, then this relationship doesn't have much of a chance. Or maybe she is not in a place to be able to date right now, maybe she can barely take care of herself and doesn't have the emotional energy to also worry about someone else's needs in a relationship.
elaine567 Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 I think some people are very quick to give "space" as it lets them off the hook when things get intense but what people often need when things are tough is for someone to be there no matter what. She has lost both parents, the people who would care, stick around and make her feel better. They are not there and when she needed you, you were nowhere to be found, you decided to give her "space". At 4 months of dating, you really don't know each other well enough to cope with this. I guess you are not a bereavement counsellor either, so do not be too hard on yourself. Does she have other friends or family she could lean on to get her through this? Sometimes it is just time that is needed...
FMW Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 18 hours ago, kunaka1000 said: I'm starting to think maybe she deserves someone better than me She needs a counselor, as has been noted, or at least long term friends to help her work through things. It's not your job to take the brunt of her grief reaction. You've only been seeing her for 4 months, you don't have the foundation yet to be able to deal with her anxiety, shutting down, or blaming you for her frustrations and unhappiness. You shouldn't feel bad about that. 1
Realitysux Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 18 hours ago, kunaka1000 said: Hie There I'm feeling lost, confused, sad, angry, disappointed all at the same time. I have been dating my gf for about 4 months, she is a great person, we complement and get each other so well, i have day's sometimes i cannot believe someone like her exists She lost her both her Parents very close together, her Mom about 4 months ago. She is an over thinker and has days she experiences anxiety when this happens she shuts down, like now. Every time this happens i get caught and blamed for things even if its not my fault, even when she knows about personality being an introvert i get called out, i have been taking it because she does not mean it and she warned me before and i know she is going through a lot, but its starting to affect me, I'm starting to think maybe she deserves someone better than me and don't think i can take it anymore. Over the weekend she started feeling down and hasn't been okay ever since, i have called her everyday to make sure she is okay but there were days she wouldn't answer or call back the next day & when she does its just a few sentences so decided to give her some space, didn't speak to her for a day and to her its not okay, today she sent me this after telling me shes shutting down " Im just, closed off cos of Monday I know you had your own feelings about what was going on but you failed to "be there for me" , I feel strongly about that and so it'll be very difficult to be vulnerable around you, It's easier to have walls up" Hearing this hurt me, my eyes are even watery. I just feel after everything iv done and i do no matter what, its never good enough. & i don't know what to think or do anymore a part is telling me to just let go but i would be letting go someone i love so dearly It takes two people to be sure .. a relationship involves two people and both people should be making eachother sure
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 Grieving is grieving, whether it's a breakup or losing a loved one. You are in a rebound type of relationship. She is using it only for emotional support/healing that's it. Nothing worse than being someones life ring. It would be best if you put this on hold, and back off until she's done with her grieving process. It's complete bs that she's dragging you down like this.
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 (edited) There's nothing you can do. You have only known her for 4 months & you met her right around the time her mother died. You don't even know her because right now she doesn't know who she is. She lost her anchors to the world & feels unmoored. I was a wreck for 5 years after my parents died. My husband, God bless him, hung on while I was useless, uncaring, unfeeling & a shell of my former self. I understand that you care about her but you can't fix her; you can't help her. Calling & pestering her when she doesn't have the emotional wherewithal to answer the phone is actually draining. You think you are being helpful, sweet & kind. She sees you as a draining, pest. . . one more obligation she can't handle. You are actually making things worse. Problem is as much as you may want to help & as much as she may also view your calls / texts as proof that someone cares & she's not all alone, she can't handle that from a relative stranger right now. Sorry but 4 months in . . . 4 months after her last parent died -- you are a stranger. Honestly she's in no place to be a good partner to you. Stick around at your own risk. As she gets stronger & healthier she will probably dump you because she won't respect a man who debased himself to be with her at her worst. It's a no win for you. If we weren't already married, I would have dumped some boyfriend during my grief. Now I see it as my husband honoring our vows which could not have been easy but if he was just a BF I would have no respect for a guy who wanted me when I was such a mess. Edited July 9, 2020 by d0nnivain
elaine567 Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I was a wreck for 5 years after my parents died. Yes that is about average. Some say it takes about 7 years to get any "normality" back after the loss of a close family member or friend.
mr_marvel Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 (edited) On 7/9/2020 at 2:38 AM, kunaka1000 said: Hie There i have day's sometimes i cannot believe someone like her exists [/quote] 1. Sounds like you kind of pedestalized this woman after only 4 months of dating. Redflag! Quote She lost her both her Parents very close together, her Mom about 4 months ago. She is an over thinker and has days she experiences anxiety when this happens she shuts down, like now. [/quote] 2. HER problems, not yours. But is she really an "over thinker" just because you said so? Nobody here knows. Quote Over the weekend she started feeling down and hasn't been okay ever since, i have called her everyday to make sure she is okay but there were days she wouldn't answer or call back the next day & when she does its just a few sentences so decided to give her some space, didn't speak to her for a day and to her its not okay, today she sent me this after telling me shes shutting down " Im just, closed off cos of Monday I know you had your own feelings about what was going on but you failed to "be there for me" , I feel strongly about that and so it'll be very difficult to be vulnerable around you, It's easier to have walls up" Hearing this hurt me, my eyes are even watery. I just feel after everything iv done and i do no matter what, its never good enough. & i don't know what to think or do anymore a part is telling me to just let go but i would be letting go someone i love so dearly 3. Looks like you have been exhausted in this so-called "relationship" (may I ask if you guys had sex yet?), and it looks like she now wants to break up with you? If that's what she wants, there's nothing you can do but to accept it and move on. Anyway, based on your data, this girl seems to have issues and problems that she needs to fix before getting into a relationship. And perhaps so do you. Edited July 10, 2020 by mr_marvel
kendahke Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 After losing my mother, I spent all of last year being devastated and riddle with serious anxiety and panic attacks, so I can understand that this loss of hers 4 months ago has her in the teeth of some of the most intense feelings of grief. HOWEVER, that is no excuse for her treating you like her punching bag. It's impossible to "be there" for someone who is willfully shutting you out and it's bordering on contemptible that she's accusing you of not being there for her. Her grief is hers to manage, not yours. Right now, she needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend. Suggest she contacts one. Also, one thing that helped to alleviate a lot of my anxiety and panic attacks was listening to binaural beats/Solfeggio frequency videos for anxiety relief and panic attacks on youtube. They honestly helped to get me out of the deep hole I was in without having to resort to medication. She might benefit from the same thing.
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