Scheduled a date then immediately wanted to reschedule?

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 minutes ago, JC90 said:

She literally told me she had to change her number because of a dude she met up with from tinder, and this date 100% happened while we were seeing each other and I'd bet money it happened within the last 2 weeks. It's fair for her to date other guys, but her half-truth BS of only sleeping with me is ridiculous. The reason you go on dates--especially those from tinder--is to see if you like someone enough to start sleeping with them, and sometimes you just outright sleep with them the same night. If she was totally truthful, she would've said "I'm not sleeping with anyone else right now, but I am going on dates and may be in the (near) future".

Actually the girl I slept with thursday knows about it. We're friends and I told her the situation.

There's no guessing here. She is 100% going on dates with other guys. The only thing I don't know if she's slept/is sleeping with any of them.

Her game is this: Use JC90 as a boyfriend figure in my life because I know he likes and wants to date me and I enjoy the sex, laughs and intimacy he gives me while I cruise around on tinder and meetup with other guys because I want more male attention. JC90 is great for giving me something to fall back on.

Jesus. So then just break up with her! This is nuts.

And why you're not already using condoms is beyond me. 

Her real crime here is liking but not having fallen in love with you within six weeks. This has you in a fury of deciding she's a sociopath. 

And I don't care what your reasoning is. If you're sleeping with other people then you're doing the same thing she is.

And if you're sleeping with her without a condom you could be getting an STI.

You're twisted up over this. Imagining stuff. Deciding what you're sure of and what you're not. Just break up with her already. Look what you're turning into over this.

 

[Versacehottie]

11 hours ago, JC90 said:

Yeah... I was gonna say I wouldn't be able to do what she is doing/might be doing to me. Like I've said, I even felt guilty just TALKING to other women. If she's really going on dates with randoms right after having very intimate boyfriend/girlfriend dates with me that's honestly... Scary.

Doubtful. The original number was also on her facebook profile.

I'm on the east coast actually.

She's usually just been "hot" when we've hungout. I don't see much push and pull. I honestly think it could've just been a guy who she had a bad first date with, never wanted to see again, and he went stalker because of the rejection.

oh gotcha about the facebook thing.  And the east coast.  But still you're american so the burner phone theory is virtually out though, right?  Last I've known it's not common anywhere in US really.  Not for regular people with their main phone.  Drug dealers, murderers ok.

Anyway, less important, I guess than what is going on overall.  See you're "defending" her when a plausible explanation is that she is a hot/cold type persons which then literally brings it back to you as the one who is making much ado about nothing.  Well not nothing but I believe Cal Girl just said it very well above.  You like her A LOT and at the same time are pretty pissed that you didn't get what you want with her.  You want to even the score and are all sorts of emotional and not in a good way about this.  I get that it can totally be a blow to the ego when she responded that she wants to go with the status quo vs DTR to more serious than currently is and is likely still talking to or searching for other guys.  She could be playing the game or it could be true.  

Also it seems like you are valuing the fact that she is giving you physical affection too highly and it's confusing to you.  Some girls can be just like a guy--maybe she just wants you physically but doesn't see moving forward with you seriously or emotionally--it happens.  I would just say it's not the only measure that nothing is awry.  

Plus you will say it like there's no issue (ie defending her/the relationship) and then go back to being highly suspicious , paranoid and resentful.  So if a person takes the evidence you say about what actually happened vs what you are thinking is going on, the problem boils back down to you. It's irrational thinking.  Somehow you have to line up what is going on and the reality you are getting from her and just take the "facts', try to quiet your mind from going nuts.  Take what you are "getting" from her on face value and not have your mind go wild, trying to find out if you will or are getting played.  There's no guarantee that things will work out with whoever so it is what it is.  Your mind, ego and anxiety are getting the best of you.  

She has the upper hand because she wants to go slower.  You can either meet her pace and accept what you are getting and make the best of it and trust yourself & that you've got something to offer OR you can break up with her deciding that what she offers is not good enough for you.

 

Edited July 12, 2020 by Versacehottie

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree with you that it's gross to be dating others while you're having sex with someone. But many shallow people these days have no qualms about using multiple people for sexual gratification and attention. 

I think your mistake here was getting into a casual hookup arrangement with someone recently out of a relationship and expecting it would change into something else. 

And copying her style because you're hurt is weak, IMO. All that's going to get you is more shallow sex, which you already said doesn't have much value for you. 

How about cleaning up your thinking and going into dates with a long-term mindset, setting the right tone from day 1? It's harder to find people on that wavelength, but much higher quality. 

I never go on a first date with this kind of casual mentality, and I totally disregard any men who have it. So I only end up meeting men who are clearly looking for a meaningful connection with one good woman, rather than just another shallow diversion with which to pass the time. 

[Mystery4u]

OP instead of going down to what you think is her level and playing the games with her you think she is playing with you.. ever thought about actually being an adult about the situation?

You know like talk to her, tell her how you feel, and if she doesn't feel the same way then walk away?

All these games you want to carry on playing just make you look like a butt hurt desperate for sex teenager.

[JC90]

1 hour ago, Mystery4u said:

OP instead of going down to what you think is her level and playing the games with her you think she is playing with you.. ever thought about actually being an adult about the situation?

You know like talk to her, tell her how you feel, and if she doesn't feel the same way then walk away?

All these games you want to carry on playing just make you look like a butt hurt desperate for sex teenager.

She's already told me how she feels. She likes where we are. She's sleeping with and doing relationshippy things with me while going out with other guys. I can't imagine that if she wanted exclusivity with me she wouldn't have brought it up during that talk.

Edited July 12, 2020 by JC90

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, JC90 said:

She's already told me how she feels. She likes where we are. She's sleeping with and doing relationshippy things with me while going out with other guys. I can't imagine that if she wanted exclusivity with me she wouldn't have brought it up during that talk.

You're right. So you can accept that, or move on.

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, JC90 said:

She's already told me how she feels. She likes where we are. She's sleeping with and doing relationshippy things with me while going out with other guys. I can't imagine that if she wanted exclusivity with me she wouldn't have brought it up during that talk.

I'm curious. What relarionshippy things are you guys doing? That she initiates? Does she take you out along with her friends, do you guys go out places, does she post BF/GF pics of you guys or what?

Edited July 12, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl
"Do," not " so"

[Velvet teddy]

On 7/12/2020 at 4:32 AM, JC90 said:

This girl has even met my dad ffs. If she's really playing me this hard she's a true sociopath.

Well you've done it countless times with other women right.

What makes you any different. Its only now you're  getting a taste of what you've been serving all along lol 

Edited July 13, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[JC90]

4 hours ago, Velvet teddy said:

Well you've done it countless times with other women right.

What makes you any different. Its only now you're  getting a taste of what you've been serving all along lol 

I can count on one hand (maybe half of one hand) the number of women who have met my parents and who's parents I've met... And I'd love to get a taste of what I've been serving all along: honesty and no BS. I don't think I've ever led anyone on into thinking I wanted a relationship when I didn't. Even on dating apps I'll tell the women I talk to that I'm not looking to jump into any serious because it depends on chemistry.

19 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I'm curious. What relarionshippy things are you guys doing? That she initiates? Does she take you out along with her friends, do you guys go out places, does she post BF/GF pics of you guys or what?

Dates, taking her dogs out for walks together, working out together, meeting my dad, cooking dinner for each other, her falling asleep on me on the couch and me carrying her to bed, etc.

Anyways, figured I'd respond one more time before I stop posting. The story with her number change is this...

She met this dude from Bumble for coffee sometime last weekend (July 4th weekend), which is funny because we hungout both friday AND sunday night. As I remember, we went to Dave & Busters friday and cooked dinner at her place sunday. She said she was getting some weird vibes from him on the date, but afterwards is when he really went nuts. She said he was texting her after the date saying he wanted to be exclusive with her and that by the fall they could be engaged (yes after one coffee date). I figure this is his "game", which is totally ridiculous, but I'm guessing some girls actually go for it (but I can't imagine who). Like any normal human being, she told him that wasn't what she wanted and essentially told him "good luck," then he started going off. He was apparently hitting her up constantly calling her a sl*t and a wh0re, saying "have fun f*cking everyone in town", sending her nude pics of other women with the caption "see what you're missing?" He even sent her the number of some other girl and said "ask her how good I am in bed." She ended up talking to this girl asking wtf is wrong with the guy, and the girl said he's a legit crazy person and even has a domestic violence charge from back in february. She then told me that he found her parents phone number and called their house and asked for her. She actually didn't block him, because (her words) he lives in the same general area, and if he said something about hurting her she wanted to be able to see it and act proactively. I actually don't blame her for changing her number in this scenario. You can still do a lot of nefarious crap with someones phone number even if they block you.

She was visibly distraught when she told me this story. I told her she should've gone to the police, because the dude is obviously an unhinged psychopath. And a total pussy/coward. Big man bullying women who he knows can't defend themselves.

She didn't tell me this right away, but at some point last night it was brought up again and she told me that she deleted all her dating apps after this happened. Also, she made us steak, mashed potatoes and asparagus with a mushroom steak sauce for dinner lol.

I appreciate everyone's "wisdom", but I've realized that making this topic hasn't helped me. It's just fueled my meaningless speculation and added to my over-analyzation. If there are any pertinent updates I might post them, but otherwise I feel like keeping this going will do the opposite of helping me.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Twelve hours ago she was a sociopath who was f****** other guys. Today she's just great! You guys cooked a steak.

[Mystery4u]

So she doesn't see you as relationship material as she is going on other dates, and wants to keep things as they are, and you are going along with it even though you have feelings for her. Only one way this ends, and it won't be good for you.

[Acacia98]

On 7/10/2020 at 5:44 PM, lurker74 said:

Is this accurate in most peoples' minds? I can tell you that if I am dating someone for 6 weeks, I've definitely slept with her. And I can also say if I am sleeping with someone, I am no longer pursuing others and expect the same.

Does that make me needy? Genuine question.

No. It doesn't.

Frankly speaking, I'm as amazed as you are. I'm finding it hard to understand the concept of sex before exclusivity for somebody who wants a serious relationship with the other person. How are people able to sleep with a man or woman they are falling for and simultaneously know and accept that that person is still going out with others? I would be an emotional wreck if I were in that situation.

Edited July 14, 2020 by Acacia98
Inserting a missing word

[Acacia98]

On 7/12/2020 at 7:36 AM, JC90 said:

Yes. She was the one who "likes where we are" and either completely lied (i.e. is having sex with the other guys she's seeing) or gave me a BS half-truth (i.e. no sex YET but is still talking to and consistently seeing other guys) when, by your words, it was obvious to her that I wanted more. I'm doing nothing more than playing her game. I feel no guilt or remorse for seeing other people because I know for a FACT that she is doing the same and also has no guilt or remorse for doing it WHILE treating me like a placeholder boyfriend and manipulating me into catching feelings. I personally would never do this to someone. If I only wanted free sex, attention from the opposite sex, and dates once in a while without the commitment (as it seems she does) I would tell them early on that I only want friends with benefits and do no want a relationship.

The problem here is that you're expecting her to do right by you when you're not willing to do right by yourself.

You know she's not being completely honest with you. You know she's seeing other guys while sleeping with you. You believe she's emotionally unavailable. And she has made it pretty clear (IMO) that she's not ready for exclusivity. If you're in a very different place from her emotionally, the onus is on you to end things for your own sake. Suffering in silence and then calling her a sociopath and a player does not make sense when you have the power to remove yourself from a painful situation.

I wish you well going forward. But I really hope you start taking responsibility for your own happiness by playing an active role in removing yourself from circumstances that make you miserable.

[Negotaurus]

20 hours ago, JC90 said:

And I'd love to get a taste of what I've been serving all along: honesty and no BS. 

What do you mean? You asked her if she slept with other people. She said no. As did you. 

Now you're mad at her that she MIGHT be sleeping with other people while you are doing the exact same thing..? After telling her that you don't? What is this hypocrisy. Why's it "funny" that she is still hitting up with other people when you are straight up screwing other people. 

Edited July 14, 2020 by Negotaurus

[ExpatInItaly]

Oops, wrong thread

Edited September 11, 2020 by ExpatInItaly