HighHopes87 Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Hi All, So I took a girl out today for a ‘late lunch’ we sat outside (Covid Rules) at a local restaurant (her choice - I asked where she liked to eat before booking a table there). I was really nervous as I’ve not had much luck at all with dating lately and I’ve gone through a phase of being really hung up on an ex girlfriend even though we’ve been broken up for years. i felt that from the start of the date her vibe was a bit ‘frosty’ but I couldn’t tell if that was just me being paranoid. I didn’t like that fact that she didn’t say please or thank you to the waiters. It sounds silly but manners are really important to me. Of course I was more than happy to pay the bill but I didn’t like the fact that she didn’t even offer to contribute especially when she had three glasses of white wine. she’s very attractive but my days of being shallow have bit me in ass big time and I found myself actually assessing her personality more than her looks and I wasnt overly impressed. I found myself feeling a bit bored and glancing at the clock. She didn’t seem overly interested in what I had to say - she just talked about work and it all felt a bit dry. I felt that she was expecting to be impressed and for me to do all of the work but in all honesty I just couldn’t be bothered. My ex was a very warm , bubbly character and there was never any awkwardness even right from the start. I know that I shouldn’t compare and I this date was meant to be a step forward but in all honesty it feels like a massive set back. I don’t know if maybe I didn’t give her a chance. Maybe my walls were up or maybe I’m just intentionally picking faults. 4
Ami1uwant Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Issue 2– the ex issue 2— what interested you to date her in the first place? You might be too picky or looking easily for fault.
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Okay, listen...you got negative, or at least non-optimal, vibes all over the place. Most of all, what stands out for me is that I think you saw her as the E word. I'm a woman and actually, I agree with that. What most bugs me, personally, is not being nice to the servers. I don't know...that may sound nit-picky but obviously it stood out for you too, so...I mean it's not a total dealbreaker if other things are good (for instance, if the guy were animatedly talking and that's why he didn't remember a please or thank you) but according to what you say, she was sort of a frost queen waiting to be entertained. I mean...was there anything good about this date? It sounds...frosty! 3 1
lurker74 Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 1 hour ago, HighHopes87 said: H My ex was a very warm , bubbly character and there was never any awkwardness even right from the start. I know that I shouldn’t compare and I this date was meant to be a step forward but in all honesty it feels like a massive set back. Stop. If you know it then don't do it. Your ex was four years ago. I think it may be important for you to seek therapy so that your issue with your ex doesn't continue to follow you around. That doesn't mean this woman was all that but it does mean that you can't be present in today if you still have one foot in the past. 1
Author HighHopes87 Posted July 8, 2020 Author Posted July 8, 2020 16 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Okay, listen...you got negative, or at least non-optimal, vibes all over the place. Most of all, what stands out for me is that I think you saw her as the E word. I'm a woman and actually, I agree with that. What most bugs me, personally, is not being nice to the servers. I don't know...that may sound nit-picky but obviously it stood out for you too, so...I mean it's not a total dealbreaker if other things are good (for instance, if the guy were animatedly talking and that's why he didn't remember a please or thank you) but according to what you say, she was sort of a frost queen waiting to be entertained. I mean...was there anything good about this date? It sounds...frosty! Thanks for your detailed reply! The date wasn’t all bad! We have got things in common and I find her attractive but I think im guilty for looking for something that doesn’t exist so I can’t tell if I’m being overly critical. My heads just not in it and maybe I was giving that vibe. I just feel broken , lost and lonely and it sucks. I feel absolutely insane. When my ex and I broke up , obviously I was heart broken for a while but i enjoyed dating , meeting and ‘fun’ with women and life seemed to be going ok. Then about a month ago , like a lightening bolt it hit me how much of an idiot I’ve been and I just can’t get my ex out of my head. The temptation to reach out to her has been overwhelming. I miss her so badly. Our adventures and the amazing times we had. 1 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 She sounds like a dud who skates by on her looks, so I'm not surprised you're not feeling it. I asked in your other thread if there's any possibility of another chance with your ex. 1 1
Versacehottie Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Hmmm, you don't sound overly critical to me. Looks like you are picking up on very important things that will give you clues about who she is and if she is good for you. Regardless of your feelings for your ex, these are factors that you would be considering anyway, right? Well the more evolved, grown up you! I think maybe give it one more chance with this new girl, another date if you feel enough momentum to do that. Otherwise, no big loss. You could also communicate with her (phone or text) in the meantime and see if the connection grows, fades or stays neutral to guide the decision about the next date.. Maybe I missed it--but if you are still thinking about your ex is there anything preventing you from giving that a shot again? 1 1
BaileyB Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 (edited) Well, I wouldn’t be planning a second date myself. One of my friends used to ask me all the time, “did you enjoy the other person’s company enough such that you want to see them again.” I think your honest answer would be no, and that’s ok. I think it’s really rude to order three glasses of wine and expect your date to pay - especially because it’s a first meeting. That would be reason enough for me not to plan another date. Edited July 8, 2020 by BaileyB 3 1
Backinthesaddleagain Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 35 minutes ago, HighHopes87 said: Thanks for your detailed reply! The date wasn’t all bad! We have got things in common and I find her attractive but I think im guilty for looking for something that doesn’t exist so I can’t tell if I’m being overly critical. My heads just not in it and maybe I was giving that vibe. I just feel broken , lost and lonely and it sucks. I feel absolutely insane. When my ex and I broke up , obviously I was heart broken for a while but i enjoyed dating , meeting and ‘fun’ with women and life seemed to be going ok. Then about a month ago , like a lightening bolt it hit me how much of an idiot I’ve been and I just can’t get my ex out of my head. The temptation to reach out to her has been overwhelming. I miss her so badly. Our adventures and the amazing times we had. Well, that was quick. Looks like you have isolated the problem. The next step is getting over your ex. You probably shouldn't date for a while. But I disagree with some of the others, you can and should use your best relationship as a guide for what you want in your next relationship. It's called learning from your mistakes and self growth. If there was a trait from your ex that you really liked, there is no reason that you shouldn't look for someone with that trait. Good luck 1
BaileyB Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: You can and should use your best relationship as a guide for what you want in your next relationship. I totally agree. While you shouldn’t discount someone before you really get to know them, first impressions and instinct matter. You should be excited or at least interested to see the woman again. When you meet the right person, you will at least on some level, just know that it feels good to be in her company. Edited July 8, 2020 by BaileyB 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 27 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I think it’s really rude to order three glasses of wine and expect your date to pay - especially because it’s a first meeting. That would be reason enough for me not to plan another date. Totally. At least she could have offered. He probably still would have paid, but not even offering is rude as hell. 1
ShyViolet Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 I don't think there were any red flags, more like you just didn't have very good chemistry with this girl. You should know if you have good chemistry with someone from the first date. If it's not there, it's not there. 2
Author HighHopes87 Posted July 8, 2020 Author Posted July 8, 2020 25 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: She sounds like a dud who skates by on her looks, so I'm not surprised you're not feeling it. I asked in your other thread if there's any possibility of another chance with your ex. I mean right now - I’d sell my soul for another chance but I’ve no idea how I’d go about it after all of this time. Not long after we split we agreed to ‘block’ each other on social media because we kept messaging each other. She did message me (Via text) when my Nan died which I really appreciated but I’ve not spoken to her since. I don’t know if she’s with anyone. I’d love an opportunity to just talk with her - I just feel there’s so much to say but I don’t want to look absolutely nuts but I’ve reached a point where I’d rather try and be rejected than never know. 2
FMW Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Maybe you should go ahead and try to make contact with your ex. Even if it doesn't work out that you'll see each other again you can at least get rid of the question of whether or not there's still a chance. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Send her an email. A number of my exes have gotten in touch months or even years after we broke up to gauge my openness for another shot, or just to catch up. I did give it another shot in a couple of cases, and though ultimately it didn't last, the second go-round was in some ways sweeter than the first and I don't regret it. 2
Maldives Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 (edited) Your date sounded like my most recent date and afterwards I was the same started to feel hung up again on the ex same reasons and yes we had also split a few yrs ago. She too was pretty but there were some red flags. Same scenario beautiful and I was very attracted to her and because I'd had a dry spell in dating was keen to make it work. I found myself doing all the chasing not even my style I like a balance. Her personality could be somewhat sharp like she made me drive her home at 345am without even a thanku lol so in the end I decided to not pursue her anymore just her personality was a huge turn off for me I'm finding online dating doesn't or hasn't worked and it's been a few yrs on it . She sounds quiet cold lol I wouldn't bother Btw also the same my date wasn't that interested in what I had to say she talked alot about her and her last relationships alot of anger another red flag Edited July 9, 2020 by Goodguy05 1
Maldives Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 (edited) I wanted to add strange reading how your feeling bout your ex we seem to be walking the same path it's also four yrs for me and recently I been doing the same getting those reminders on FB memories dreams so much to the point I decided yesterday to get some counseling to move on from this it's been way too long to still be thinking like this but ye I been feeling like an idiot for losing her Maybe if I had more luck on the dating scene I'd feel different but because I haven't been able to find someone compatible this time round maybe it's compounded those feelings or the universe or whatever some higher power really wants me to get it this time and have my eyes opened. Donno why but needed to share Edited July 9, 2020 by Goodguy05 1
Maldives Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 (edited) I wish you luck if you do reach out to your ex. With my ex it kinda ended prematurely and without closure just a text lol so its always felt like unfinished business and then she tried to hurt me intentionally by dating guys In the office straight after (we work together ) and it worked but it kinda detonated what we had so it's kinda left me in this weird funk in my case I wouldn't reach out but wish we could have some conversation at some point ...ive never been able to make sense how someone can go 360 from loving you to doing what she did. Anyway enough ranting lol this is about you not me lol haha just that your story is so parralel to mine obviously with a different breakup reason and out come albeit time frame etc Edited July 9, 2020 by Goodguy05
OatsAndHall Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 I wouldn't call the red flags but I don't think I'd be asking her out on a second date. The lack of courtesy towards the waitstaff would honestly be enough for me to tap out. And, I've had a few dates where I felt like the woman wanted me to dazzle her and that behavior wasn't limited to the first date. On two occasions, we went out again and those dates were truly awful; very little conversation and a lot of awkwardness.
elaine567 Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 16 hours ago, HighHopes87 said: When my ex and I broke up , obviously I was heart broken for a while but i enjoyed dating , meeting and ‘fun’ with women and life seemed to be going ok. Then about a month ago , like a lightening bolt it hit me how much of an idiot I’ve been and I just can’t get my ex out of my head. Psychotherapist on the radio today said something interesting about the Coronavirus crisis. She said that many are feeling unhappy, lost and lonely and some are feeling the need to revisit happier past times to make themselves feel better, with some even going as far as reconciling with exes. 1
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 (edited) You are making this more complicated than it should be. This date was crap, just admit it. Everyone is wangling their hands up over the mention of you ex. Hey you know what you like, there were obvious reasons you were with your ex, and what is wrong with looking for those attributes in your date? None! Just keep on truckin my friend. Edited July 9, 2020 by smackie9 1 1
chillii Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 (edited) Personality and the person is everything nice to see one person round here waking up, without that looks are useless. She sounds very entitled shallow and obviously unappreciative , not to mention boring , going on your first post , and tbh not that interested either. But eh , maybe she needs a second chance it could've been nerves, doubt it though but up to you. Edited July 9, 2020 by chillii 2 1
mark clemson Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 Point 1 - don't let this get you down on dating just yet. It sounds like your sample size for act two here currently = 1. I hear there's plenty of dysfunction out there, so you may have to kiss more than a few "frogettes". Point 2 - personality is definitely important. Point 3 - agree with others that it makes the most sense to fully process your feelings over your ex before proceeding to the next real relationship; that said, sometimes a fling or two can help with that "processing" - depends on what you like, etc. Point 4 - a girl's gotta eat. Perhaps this particular date was just helping with that? Dunno. Point 5 - 23 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Most of all, what stands out for me is that I think you saw her as the E word. What's the E word if you don't mind me asking? Entitled?
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 6 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Point 1 - don't let this get you down on dating just yet. It sounds like your sample size for act two here currently = 1. I hear there's plenty of dysfunction out there, so you may have to kiss more than a few "frogettes". Point 2 - personality is definitely important. Point 3 - agree with others that it makes the most sense to fully process your feelings over your ex before proceeding to the next real relationship; that said, sometimes a fling or two can help with that "processing" - depends on what you like, etc. Point 4 - a girl's gotta eat. Perhaps this particular date was just helping with that? Dunno. Point 5 - What's the E word if you don't mind me asking? Entitled? LOL, yes. Entitled. 1
Velvet teddy Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 On 7/8/2020 at 8:06 PM, HighHopes87 said: Hi All, So I took a girl out today for a ‘late lunch’ we sat outside (Covid Rules) at a local restaurant (her choice - I asked where she liked to eat before booking a table there). I was really nervous as I’ve not had much luck at all with dating lately and I’ve gone through a phase of being really hung up on an ex girlfriend even though we’ve been broken up for years. i felt that from the start of the date her vibe was a bit ‘frosty’ but I couldn’t tell if that was just me being paranoid. I didn’t like that fact that she didn’t say please or thank you to the waiters. It sounds silly but manners are really important to me. Of course I was more than happy to pay the bill but I didn’t like the fact that she didn’t even offer to contribute especially when she had three glasses of white wine. she’s very attractive but my days of being shallow have bit me in ass big time and I found myself actually assessing her personality more than her looks and I wasnt overly impressed. I found myself feeling a bit bored and glancing at the clock. She didn’t seem overly interested in what I had to say - she just talked about work and it all felt a bit dry. I felt that she was expecting to be impressed and for me to do all of the work but in all honesty I just couldn’t be bothered. My ex was a very warm , bubbly character and there was never any awkwardness even right from the start. I know that I shouldn’t compare and I this date was meant to be a step forward but in all honesty it feels like a massive set back. I don’t know if maybe I didn’t give her a chance. Maybe my walls were up or maybe I’m just intentionally picking faults. I don't think this one is the one for you. She sounds rather entitled.
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