Can't figure out what is wrong with me

[Alvi]

I am a 42-years-old woman. I broke up with my fiance of 4 years two years ago and been single ever since. It took me a while to get over my break up and to heal. In September of 2019 I signed to several dating sites and was ready to date again.

Here is a problem. There are lots of hits and misses as I am sure everybody experiences them on the dating sites.  I've only been on two dates since last September. This pattern happens to me every single time with the guys I really want to meet:

1 - A guy contacts me or I contact him

2. We talk and a guy shown interest. Sometimes even too much interest. He compliments me, text me lots

3. Within a couple of days a guy asks to meet me. He tell me how great, beautiful, wonderful I am and how he cannot wait to meet me. A time and a place of a date is arranged, so everything is great.

4. A guy texts me a lot before our supposed date, tell me again how happy he is to meet me.

5. Few hours before a date, a guy cancels a date. Basically any excuse: he is too tired, something else come up,  he is sick, his child is sick all the sudden, etc.....

6.A guy never reschedules a meeting and this is it.

I never contact them again as the ball is in their court. I see them time a time again of a dating site so I know they are fine. Not a big deal as a know that nothing is real till we meet. Who knows what is going on with those guys. I try not to take too personally, but boy, is it hard.

What I am trying to figure out why it happens every time to me. It probably happened with at least 25-30 guys. Since I am the common denominator here, there must be something wrong with me. A guy tells me how exiting to meet me only to cancel last minute. I've been told that I am a great catch, can't vouch for it, but hey, I am not a bottom dweller either. Am I too old, and every guy over 40 is simply looking for a bigger better and a lot younger deal nowadays? Are the guys looking for a chat buddy and don't want anything serious? They say they do in their messages. I don't think I've offended these guys is any way, so honestly I don't know what to do.  They tell me that they are ready to meet, so what is the problem. Mind you, I like to keep things simple. Just a coffee date or go for a walk, nothing fancy at all.

I've been on the dating sites 10 years ago and it never happened to me before. Sure, few guys cancelled or ghosted me, but I was able to go meet countless guys. This time around, I cannot meet anybody since the last September. I know, Covid-19 doesn't help either but I am at my wits end here.

Any opinions/advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

.

Edited July 8, 2020 by Alvi

[Mrin]

Wow. I don't think I've ever cancelled a first date. That's bad luck. 

Edited July 8, 2020 by Mrin

[Maldives]

Yes very strange I've had a girl do that once with me on a potential date and it was such a turn off never contacted her again fortunately that's only ever happened once to me lol but I've never done that cancel on someone ..something going on...the only thing that comes to mind is the dating app. Online dating I must say sucks. It's introduced new behaviours that never existed before like 'ghosting'. I don't think it's you I'm 48 myself and 42 is a great age for me in fact anything younger than that I start thinking it may not work because maybe I'm too old for em and they'll bail at some stage. I'm baffled I can only think that they obviously got cold feet before the real thing and cancelled for whatever reason . Is it just one particular app?? Man I wish I could meet someone like you on these sites..it can be very flakey online dating 

 

Which country you from? If it's the USA ok maybe it could be because of Covid because of the high number of infections.

Edited July 8, 2020 by Goodguy05

[Roswell91]

10 hours ago, Alvi said:

I am a 42-years-old woman. I broke up with my fiance of 4 years two years ago and been single ever since. It took me a while to get over my break up and to heal. In September of 2019 I signed to several dating sites and was ready to date again.

Here is a problem. There are lots of hits and misses as I am sure everybody experiences them on the dating sites.  I've only been on two dates since last September. This pattern happens to me every single time with the guys I really want to meet:

1 - A guy contacts me or I contact him

2. We talk and a guy shown interest. Sometimes even too much interest. He compliments me, text me lots

3. Within a couple of days a guy asks to meet me. He tell me how great, beautiful, wonderful I am and how he cannot wait to meet me. A time and a place of a date is arranged, so everything is great.

4. A guy texts me a lot before our supposed date, tell me again how happy he is to meet me.

5. Few hours before a date, a guy cancels a date. Basically any excuse: he is too tired, something else come up,  he is sick, his child is sick all the sudden, etc.....

6.A guy never reschedules a meeting and this is it.

I never contact them again as the ball is in their court. I see them time a time again of a dating site so I know they are fine. Not a big deal as a know that nothing is real till we meet. Who knows what is going on with those guys. I try not to take too personally, but boy, is it hard.

What I am trying to figure out why it happens every time to me. It probably happened with at least 25-30 guys. Since I am the common denominator here, there must be something wrong with me. A guy tells me how exiting to meet me only to cancel last minute. I've been told that I am a great catch, can't vouch for it, but hey, I am not a bottom dweller either. Am I too old, and every guy over 40 is simply looking for a bigger better and a lot younger deal nowadays? Are the guys looking for a chat buddy and don't want anything serious? They say they do in their messages. I don't think I've offended these guys is any way, so honestly I don't know what to do.  They tell me that they are ready to meet, so what is the problem. Mind you, I like to keep things simple. Just a coffee date or go for a walk, nothing fancy at all.

I've been on the dating sites 10 years ago and it never happened to me before. Sure, few guys cancelled or ghosted me, but I was able to go meet countless guys. This time around, I cannot meet anybody since the last September. I know, Covid-19 doesn't help either but I am at my wits end here.

Any opinions/advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

.

How old are these men? You match with? Are they all in their 40s? Or some younger? Or much older? So 25 plus men cancelled on you after saying they will meet? That is rather  strange.

My opinion is, 42 isn't old to be dating.

Unfortunately though, i think, and im being honest here, there are some poor quality men who will not date around their age group, the women they target so to speak are in their  20s. 

Having said that, there are always going to be some men who do want to date in their age group and are probably looking for something long term.

You're going to have to match and talk to many more people, to find them. Don't  give up or give in. Its a numbers game! 

 

 

 

Edited July 8, 2020 by Roswell91

[poppyfields]

12 hours ago, Alvi said:

I am a 42-years-old woman. I broke up with my fiance of 4 years two years ago and been single ever since. It took me a while to get over my break up and to heal. In September of 2019 I signed to several dating sites and was ready to date again.

Here is a problem. There are lots of hits and misses as I am sure everybody experiences them on the dating sites.  I've only been on two dates since last September. This pattern happens to me every single time with the guys I really want to meet:

1 - A guy contacts me or I contact him

2. We talk and a guy shown interest. Sometimes even too much interest. He compliments me, text me lots

3. Within a couple of days a guy asks to meet me. He tell me how great, beautiful, wonderful I am and how he cannot wait to meet me. A time and a place of a date is arranged, so everything is great.

4. A guy texts me a lot before our supposed date, tell me again how happy he is to meet me.

5. Few hours before a date, a guy cancels a date. Basically any excuse: he is too tired, something else come up,  he is sick, his child is sick all the sudden, etc.....

6.A guy never reschedules a meeting and this is it.

What I am trying to figure out why it happens every time to me. It probably happened with at least 25-30 guys. Since I am the common denominator here, there must be something wrong with me. 

Bolded, this is actually a red flag imo.  There are many men online who are more into fantasy than reality.  And once reality hits, they bail.

Fantasy is a man being so enthralled with you right off the bat.  Reality is when they are actually about to meet you. 

So it's not you per se, but the men you choose to interact with.

Don't be so taken in with all the compliments. They're nice, but before even meeting, they're over the top.

For me I never trusted over the top compliments and don't trust men who attempt to pull me in with them.  And before even meeting?  That's a next, for me.

But you will find that a lot on line because often times, those with social anxiety or more into fantasy than reality, will prefer to hide behind a keyboard and pull you in with compliments.  

I think they mean what they say at the time, but right before the meet, their anxiety kicks in and they bail. 

Not sure what the answer is, except be cautious of men who go overboard with the compliments, that's true in real life too.

And try to meet men in real life versus on line.  

 

Edited July 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[Roswell91]

25 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Bolded, this is actually a red flag imo.  There are many men online who are more into fantasy than reality.  And once reality hits, they bail.

Fantasy is a man being so enthralled with you right off the bat.  Reality is when they are actually about to meet you. 

So it's not you per se, but the men you choose to interact with.

Don't be so taken in with all the compliments. They're nice, but before even meeting, they're over the top.

For me I never trusted over the top compliments and don't trust men who attempt to pull me in with them.  And before even meeting?  That's a next, for me.

But you will find that a lot on line because often times, those with social anxiety or more into fantasy than reality, will prefer to hide behind a keyboard and pull you in with compliments.  

I think they mean what they say at the time, but right before the meet, their anxiety kicks in and they bail. 

Not sure what the answer is, except be cautious of men who go overboard with the compliments, that's true in real life too.

And try to meet men in real life versus on line.  

 

I think online apps can work if one puts the work in to eventually find some decent people. I know of a few who met their partner online and got married.

 

 

[chillii]

Ahh , doubt it's anything to do with anxiety and how could you possibly even know that you never even met them, that quite an assumption. Back when l was online l cancelled a few because l didn't wanna waste my time on someone l'd decided wasn't for me in the end. People seem to put out dozens of lines just fishing about but only reel in the important ones in the end. And just going on ls posts , until then they play the game with everyone but meanwhile they're picking and choosing on the side . And for some reason in the end they aren't choosing op , could be anything we can't see her or know her , talk to her , no way to know.

[nospam99]

Alvi said ''I never contact them again as the ball is in their court. ''

male 66 here. Although I have never cancelled at short notice or been cancelled on at short notice, I disagree with your ball in court assertion. Either party can and, if you're interested, YOU SHOULD try to reschedule. Personally, if I cancelled at short notice (again, never happened), I'd take the initiative to reschedule. BUT, if 'she' didn't send me a quick 'sorry to miss you, can we reschedule' note or text, I'd have second thoughts. I don't like being expected to 'chase' just because I'm male. Younger guys, in your likely demographic, may feel even more strongly about that.

I also agree with poppy that excessive compliments before meeting could be a red flag. As an 'older gentlemen', my compliments are more low-key, on the order of 'looking at your profile, I think we'd enjoy meeting' or 'I noticed how many common interests we have'.

[elaine567]

24 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

Either party can and, if you're interested, YOU SHOULD try to reschedule.

Why on earth would she do that? That is just embarrassing.
If he made some excuse to not see her then it is up to him to reschedule, not for her to chase him down... 
How about Friday? Sorry busy.
Saturday? Oh dear, busy again.
Next Tuesday? I'll get back to you.
When dates cancel first meet  plans, it is best to leave them alone

[nospam99]

elaine said
''Why on earth would she do that? That is just embarrassing.
If he made some excuse to not see her then it is up to him to reschedule, not for her to chase him down...
How about Friday? Sorry busy.
Saturday? Oh dear, busy again.
Next Tuesday? I'll get back to you.
When dates cancel first meet plans, it is best to leave them alone ''

Like I said, I've never done or been victim of a last minute cancel. BUT on OLD 'us guys' have the same problem 'you gals' have - making sure the other person really wants to meet. No need to 'chase', just confirm interest. 'How about Friday? Saturday? Next Tuesday?' is totally fake and comes across as a deliberate attempt to excuse the speaker from confirming interest. The correct response is the one I mentioned above - 'sorry to miss you, can we reschedule'.

When dates don't follow up after a first meet cancellation, it is reasonable to leave them alone.

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, chillii said:

Ahh , doubt it's anything to do with anxiety and how could you possibly even know that you never even met them, that quite an assumption. Back when l was online l cancelled a few because l didn't wanna waste my time on someone l'd decided wasn't for me in the end. People seem to put out dozens of lines just fishing about but only reel in the important ones in the end. And just going on ls posts , until then they play the game with everyone but meanwhile they're picking and choosing on the side . And for some reason in the end they aren't choosing op , could be anything we can't see her or know her , talk to her , no way to know.

I understand that I might be not right for every guy as every guy is not right for me. That is fair. But why act all exiting about meeting? Why ask a woman to meet in a first place if you don't think that that there might be something. Why keep the "I am all exiting to meet you" charade up till the end? If I don't like someone for whatever reason, I will not ask him out, period. Why play some silly games? I understand that dating is a number's game and that guys perhaps talk to hundreds other women besides me, and that is fine. They can pursue whoever they want. But if a guy asks as many women as possible, that I would think falls into a player category. You are right on that one.

Edited July 8, 2020 by Alvi

[Alvi]

5 hours ago, Roswell91 said:

How old are these men? You match with? Are they all in their 40s? Or some younger? Or much older? So 25 plus men cancelled on you after saying they will meet? That is rather  strange.

My opinion is, 42 isn't old to be dating.

Unfortunately though, i think, and im being honest here, there are some poor quality men who will not date around their age group, the women they target so to speak are in their  20s. 

Having said that, there are always going to be some men who do want to date in their age group and are probably looking for something long term.

You're going to have to match and talk to many more people, to find them. Don't  give up or give in. Its a numbers game! 

 

 

 

My dating range is between 38-50. Which is reasonable I think. You are probably right, I've chatted with a lot of men in that age range who are indeed looking for someone a lot younger. But all I need is just one guy who is right for me.

[Alvi]

12 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

elaine said
''Why on earth would she do that? That is just embarrassing.
If he made some excuse to not see her then it is up to him to reschedule, not for her to chase him down...
How about Friday? Sorry busy.
Saturday? Oh dear, busy again.
Next Tuesday? I'll get back to you.
When dates cancel first meet plans, it is best to leave them alone ''

Like I said, I've never done or been victim of a last minute cancel. BUT on OLD 'us guys' have the same problem 'you gals' have - making sure the other person really wants to meet. No need to 'chase', just confirm interest. 'How about Friday? Saturday? Next Tuesday?' is totally fake and comes across as a deliberate attempt to excuse the speaker from confirming interest. The correct response is the one I mentioned above - 'sorry to miss you, can we reschedule'.

When dates don't follow up after a first meet cancellation, it is reasonable to leave them alone.

I see your point but honestly don't think I want to chase someone who is not all in. It is up to a guy to reschedule if he cancels. For example if he says: "I am busy today but can we meet text Tuesday?" is one thing, but if he just cancels without offering any alternative is quite another. 

Edited July 8, 2020 by Alvi

[Alvi]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Bolded, this is actually a red flag imo.  There are many men online who are more into fantasy than reality.  And once reality hits, they bail.

Fantasy is a man being so enthralled with you right off the bat.  Reality is when they are actually about to meet you. 

So it's not you per se, but the men you choose to interact with.

Don't be so taken in with all the compliments. They're nice, but before even meeting, they're over the top.

For me I never trusted over the top compliments and don't trust men who attempt to pull me in with them.  And before even meeting?  That's a next, for me.

But you will find that a lot on line because often times, those with social anxiety or more into fantasy than reality, will prefer to hide behind a keyboard and pull you in with compliments.  

I think they mean what they say at the time, but right before the meet, their anxiety kicks in and they bail. 

Not sure what the answer is, except be cautious of men who go overboard with the compliments, that's true in real life too.

And try to meet men in real life versus on line.  

 

Wow, I think you are spot on. I think I actually mistook excessive compliments before meeting as an actual interest. I thought if a guy is interested, he compliments you a lot. Boy, was I wrong, You are right, there are lot of people who just want a fantasy. They don't want to date, and definitely don't want a real relationship. Perhaps I was suckered in with all these compliments. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

 

But you will find that a lot on line because often times, those with social anxiety or more into fantasy than reality, will prefer to hide behind a keyboard and pull you in with compliments.  

 

 

This may actually be key to a lot of issues on OLD. Just my opinion.

[central]

31 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Wow, I think you are spot on. I think I actually mistook excessive compliments before meeting as an actual interest. I thought if a guy is interested, he compliments you a lot. Boy, was I wrong, You are right, there are lot of people who just want a fantasy. They don't want to date, and definitely don't want a real relationship. Perhaps I was suckered in with all these compliments. 

Compliments BEFORE you've met are just nice noises to keep the potential to meet alive, or at least the online fantasy.  Compliments soon AFTER you meet are more real (if they don't quickly bail on you), but may just be given to get you in bed.  If he keeps wanting to date you, then the compliments are likely to become real and sincere, and a relationship may develop from there.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Okay...lone wolf here...but hear me out. 

I realize I could be wrong but...okay, OP. You said it yourself. You're the common denominator. (I've been there, albeit on a different issue, so I'm not pointing fingers.)

I guess it could be the men you're picking but...I don't know. I'm a stats person. (Which is weird since otherwise, I HATE math, but I digress.) So...out of literally 30 men, odds are that even if your picker were off they would not ALL flake literally hours before the date. That is just too odd.

Anyway...I guess I have to ask, and please don't be offended, but I don't know what other way to put this. Are you communicating just before the date? Or relatively soon before the date? What do you both say? This is important. Because even if it's a fantasy v. reality thing...well, they haven't actually met you yet. So that fantasy can't PHYSICALLY be being popped. If they already have your pictures and have your words...then by process of elimination, putting aside the very very remote possibility that it's just coincidence...could it be something you're saying to them before the date?

What exactly do you usually talk about in texts and so on before these dates?

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

I understand that I might be not right for every guy as every guy is not right for me. That is fair. But why act all exiting about meeting? Why ask a woman to meet in a first place if you don't think that that there might be something. Why keep the "I am all exiting to meet you" charade up till the end? If I don't like someone for whatever reason, I will not ask him out, period. Why play some silly games? I understand that dating is a number's game and that guys perhaps talk to hundreds other women besides me, and that is fine. They can pursue whoever they want. But if a guy asks as many women as possible, that I would think falls into a player category. You are right on that one.

 

 

Im a guy in your date range....

 

nver assume that the other is only talking to you ir only dating you. They are likely talking to 3-5 other women at different stages of meeting and dating.  

 

Sometimes they guy started talking to you right beforedste 2 eith other woman. Date 1 went ok, but they had date 2 and 3 before your first date so he wants to cancel on you to see where this other one goes, but wants to keep you around as a back up plan in case this ends in a week from now. Both sexes do this.

 

another issue...with those new to dating..there is a grass is greener thing happening.  You might have bern the first one he talked with but there are others that appear hotter than you or it’s because they felt they had more in common with this other person after talking.

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

54 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Wow, I think you are spot on. I think I actually mistook excessive compliments before meeting as an actual interest. I thought if a guy is interested, he compliments you a lot. Boy, was I wrong, You are right, there are lot of people who just want a fantasy. They don't want to date, and definitely don't want a real relationship. Perhaps I was suckered in with all these compliments. 

For a small percrntage  this may be the case of uncertainty on meeting people online due to fears and newness. If they just came out of a marriage they might not realize it’s too early to date again until they last minute.

[Versacehottie]

Actually, another wolf here So while i think online tends to just generally have a lot of flakes (and people with all sorts of issues that make actually meeting up less common than a date arranged from guys you meet in real life), there probably is a touch of something you are doing OP that makes less of your matches statistically end up actually following through than what would be normal.  So while you shouldn't be so discouraged because there is a part of it that you can't control (ie flakey OLD in general for a multitude of reasons), there is probably something you can do to make more of the matches you get follow through.

My guess without knowing anything about you really is that:

*there is probably too much communicating going on before meeting.  In other words, exchanging lots of information over message or phone that would be better done in person on a real date.

*you are doing something that turns (at least some of them that have genuine motives to date) from being compelled to go on a date with you to not compelled.  Going hand in hand with the reason above, I think it is usually when a person is bland or more factual and it comes off as boring or no spark.  Let's say you can exchange facts about yourself, even in a cheery or positive manner but it you don't spark something for the fantasy portion to remain alive it would fizzle before 1st date.  More playful, flirting, less availability or seriousness or investment (ie acting like he's got you for sure) should help.

*Usually guys are told to meet up quickly so that they don't waste time on time waster girls.  I think the same really applies to women and that you should try to meet up sooner than later without much talking beforehand.  The thing is if you both find an initial chemistry enough to be curious about a person, it's probably best that the momentum and good feelings are "used wisely" on an actual date rather than to lose the momentum and have things fall flat just due to subpar messaging, etc.  Even the spontaneity, adds an element that will all be attributed to one's attraction to the other person (though in reality it's fueled in part by just good momentum in general of taking risk, chances being spontaneous, the unknown).  And if it's going to fail, there's added incentive that you won't be wasting your own time.  Plus people trying to mitigate risk and get kind of assurances with video chat, excessive messages are typically sucking the life right out of whatever possible spark was there in first place (goes for both sides).

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Why on earth would she do that? That is just embarrassing.
If he made some excuse to not see her then it is up to him to reschedule, not for her to chase him down... 
How about Friday? Sorry busy.
Saturday? Oh dear, busy again.
Next Tuesday? I'll get back to you.
When dates cancel first meet  plans, it is best to leave them alone

Now this I'm giong to agree with...if only for the disrespect factor. Cancelling hours before a date with an obviously flimsy excuse, and not with a "I'm disappointed, can we do this Tuesday instead? At such-and-such place and time?" would warrant an immediate pass from me. If he's this unenthusiastic (as not to even propose an alternate date, since after all, he was the one who canceled) then I'd have to imagine it would be one dry date. Nah...

[d0nnivain]

Having 25-30 men cancel at the last minute does sound excessive.  I can understand why you are seeking an explanation.  1 or 2 I'd say they were just flakes but there has to be more to this.   Are you projecting tepidness about meeting them?  

I agree you shouldn't chase.  It's incumbent on the person who cancels to reschedule 

With covid, this won't be easy but once it's safe to do so, try meeting people in person.  While that is not possible  maybe change the app you are using.  

 

[lurker74]

More information needed. I'd like to know what apps you're on, what country (and any cultural things like religion, conservatism, etc.), and how much social media you use. I'd also like to hear more about your chats and exactly how early they start getting over the top with compliments (saying you're pretty is fine but if they get over the top, it's an issue).

But I'd also like to hear about your ex-fiance because, to be honest, I have a hard time believing that you could make the same mistake 25 or 30 times. To me, it sounds like you are being catfished by fake profiles. Any chance your ex is not over you?

[chillii]

6 hours ago, Alvi said:

I understand that I might be not right for every guy as every guy is not right for me. That is fair. But why act all exiting about meeting? Why ask a woman to meet in a first place if you don't think that that there might be something. Why keep the "I am all exiting to meet you" charade up till the end? If I don't like someone for whatever reason, I will not ask him out, period. Why play some silly games? I understand that dating is a number's game and that guys perhaps talk to hundreds other women besides me, and that is fine. They can pursue whoever they want. But if a guy asks as many women as possible, that I would think falls into a player category. You are right on that one.

 

Yeah l dunno , like l said a lot of people seem to have their pattern go through the motions until they figure out whether the person interests them or not., see it between the lines on LS all the time.  l was only on one briefly so def' no expert and people were pretty good here. But for me l preferred talking to her a bit first myself but l suppose a lot of people just wanna meet and be done with it so l found while we were talking they were pushing to meet and a couple of times l thought ok to hell with it we'll just meet. Meanwhile you've talked a bit more meantime or seen more pics or whatever and decided nah , she just wasn't for me so there was no point.

 

Edited July 8, 2020 by chillii

[Giovane]

14 hours ago, Roswell91 said:

there are some poor quality men who will not date around their age group, the women they target so to speak are in their  20s

Why does that make them "poor quality"?