heavenonearth Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 i just have a bit of a general question. after a break up of a serious relationship, when should one start a new serious relationship again ? the guy i am seeing and his ex broke up last august and they were together 3 years, lived together for i think 2 of those or longer. we met when they had been broken up 9 months. if i relate it to my own experience, 9 months after my last break up i was nowhere near ready to date again, and i didn’t even live with my ex and we were only together 1,5 years. took me two years to open my heart again. then again, my ex got a new girlfriend two weeks after our break up and they are still together now, almost two years later. is there some sort of general consensus? of what’s healthy and what should be avoided? i really am in love with the guy i am seeing but i am scared maybe it’s too soon for him to enter something serious again? we are taking it real slow.
Happy Lemming Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 18 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: i just have a bit of a general question. after a break up of a serious relationship, when should one start a new serious relationship again ? How long does it take me to grab a shower and a change of clothes... When I get dumped, I don't sit on the couch. I go out right away (usually to a bar) and just start talking to people. I got dumped one afternoon and found her replacement later that evening. 1
basil67 Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 It depends on how heartbroken they are. If they were devastated, it could take quite some time to get over it. But if they were the dumper, it could be that they don't need long at all. When I left my first husband, it took me about two months to find my feet and I never looked back. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 (edited) I generally go with 50% or a year - that is, if they were together for 10 months, I don't want to get involved unless he's been single at least 5 months. If it was a longer relationship, like 5 years, I think a year is sufficient - assuming he's not still talking about it and clearly not over it. This is pretty much the same rule I apply to myself. I was seeing someone for 6 months ending in June. So I won't even think about trying again till at least September. Edited July 8, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 1
Ami1uwant Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 50 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: i just have a bit of a general question. after a break up of a serious relationship, when should one start a new serious relationship again ? the guy i am seeing and his ex broke up last august and they were together 3 years, lived together for i think 2 of those or longer. we met when they had been broken up 9 months. if i relate it to my own experience, 9 months after my last break up i was nowhere near ready to date again, and i didn’t even live with my ex and we were only together 1,5 years. took me two years to open my heart again. then again, my ex got a new girlfriend two weeks after our break up and they are still together now, almost two years later. is there some sort of general consensus? of what’s healthy and what should be avoided? i really am in love with the guy i am seeing but i am scared maybe it’s too soon for him to enter something serious again? we are taking it real slow. There is not a one size vita all. There are factors 1 length of relationship 2 how serious was it, did they live together because they wanted to, not because of financial reasons. 3 did they talk if marriage, were they engaged? 4 why it end? Grew apart vs caught cheating? 5. kids involved? if married then there are other factors like how the divorce went. Just because you lived together doesn’t matter. He lived with her but if it was more for financial benefit vs a deep love it might be easier in a break up . He might have found problems in the relationship but he didn’t dislike her, but it drifted apart and she ended it so he was fine moving on. 3
FMW Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Pay close attention to how he acts, what he says, not the days on a calendar. I don't think 9 months following a three year relationship is a problem in itself. The normal red flags are talking a lot about his ex (he hasn't processed the breakup), talking negatively about his ex (meaning there are still strong emotions), rushing things with you (trying to replace what he had), etc. If you're unsure about things, just stay the course, take your time before making a commitment like living together or marriage. If he's over his past and if you and he are meant to be together, you'll feel it and you won't continue having these concerns. 3
Mrin Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 IMHO it is less important the duration and more important whether you are the first after a breakup. 1
Blind-Sided Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 17 hours ago, heavenonearth said: i really am in love with the guy i am seeing but i am scared maybe it’s too soon for him to enter something serious again? First.... DO NOT impose your thoughts/worries on this. You like him? Then don't poison the relationship by questioning it. OK, with that out of the way... every one is different, and every situation is different. Some people may be in a long relationship... but were really never in love. SO... they can move on quick because they were really never vested. Some people fall out of love, and can move on quick because they were mentally done before the break-up. Some people are just shallow and can move on quick. Anyway... you really never know what's going through the other person's head... and you really never know their situation. So, you can't impose any kind of "Rules" or use your personal experiences to judge if they are ready. 2
d0nnivain Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 You can't measure readiness to date again after a break up on a calendar. Some people are emotionally out of a relationship & over it before they actually break up. I was usually well & truly done by the time things ended if I ended it so I was quick to move on. 4
poppyfields Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Hey heaven, did something happen that caused you to ask this now? You guys doing okay? Your last thread indicated you have not met in person yet, but plan to meet soon. Is that still going forward? Hope everything is ok.
ShyViolet Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 There is no rule. Some people start dating again right away... I've certainly done that. And it doesn't necessarily mean that the new relationship is nothing but a "rebound." Everyone is different. He started his relationship with you 9 months after the breakup? I think that is fine, that's plenty of time. Why are you questioning this?
Author heavenonearth Posted July 8, 2020 Author Posted July 8, 2020 3 hours ago, poppyfields said: Hey heaven, did something happen that caused you to ask this now? You guys doing okay? Your last thread indicated you have not met in person yet, but plan to meet soon. Is that still going forward? Hope everything is ok. Hi poppy things are ok. There are ups and downs - mostly bc of the distance. Little miscommunications that can turn into longer conversations on what was meant how and who feels what, etc. Can be a bit draining for me but he enjoys talking things out always. Plan is he’s coming within the week. Nervous. He’s been talking about this potential ally turning into something serious and he hopes that this is how it will be. i know people say it’s a red flag when someone talks a lot about their recent ex but what if they say nothing at all about them? i only know she moved out of his apartment because they drifted apart (were more like friends in the end) and she quickly found a new boyfriend anyway and so they’re not even friends now. That’s all i know. It is a bit weird for me i guess to know so little about his pat love life. I wonder how he’s been in relationships. And what it means to him to be single / on his own after a breakup. Wondering if we have similar needs/desires in connection with that - if you get what i mean?? anyway i just was worried 9 months wasn’t enough time but even though he’s rather sensitive i do think he can be quite pragmatic in a lot of ways - so, yeah
rjc149 Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 3 hours ago, heavenonearth said: i know people say it’s a red flag when someone talks a lot about their recent ex but what if they say nothing at all about them? i only know she moved out of his apartment because they drifted apart (were more like friends in the end) and she quickly found a new boyfriend anyway and so they’re not even friends now. That’s all i know. He could be hiding his true feelings from you, but this sounds like he was well out of love when they split, and didn't get his heart broken. So he's not hung up about it. At least, not 9 months later. I had my heart run through the ringer pretty badly last year but I was dating/seeing women again probably 3-4 months later. I wouldn't be overly cautious about this. I think the coast is clear.
elaine567 Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 13 hours ago, heavenonearth said: she quickly found a new boyfriend anyway She is probably the dumper...
Ami1uwant Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 13 hours ago, heavenonearth said: Hi poppy things are ok. There are ups and downs - mostly bc of the distance. Little miscommunications that can turn into longer conversations on what was meant how and who feels what, etc. Can be a bit draining for me but he enjoys talking things out always. Plan is he’s coming within the week. Nervous. He’s been talking about this potential ally turning into something serious and he hopes that this is how it will be. i know people say it’s a red flag when someone talks a lot about their recent ex but what if they say nothing at all about them? i only know she moved out of his apartment because they drifted apart (were more like friends in the end) and she quickly found a new boyfriend anyway and so they’re not even friends now. That’s all i know. It is a bit weird for me i guess to know so little about his pat love life. I wonder how he’s been in relationships. And what it means to him to be single / on his own after a breakup. Wondering if we have similar needs/desires in connection with that - if you get what i mean?? anyway i just was worried 9 months wasn’t enough time but even though he’s rather sensitive i do think he can be quite pragmatic in a lot of ways - so, yeah The idea of talking about bout an ex isn’t a red flag.... Assuming there isn't kids associated with this prior relationship.... I’d like to know about her life past and I’d share mine. That would include relationships. There was something good about the people you were eith even though it ended. Saying those good things doesn’t mean you still have feelings
elaine567 Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 Th "problem" here is not that he is talking about the ex, the potential "problem" is that he "never" talks about the ex...
FMW Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 13 minutes ago, elaine567 said: the potential "problem" is that he "never" talks about th 14 hours ago, heavenonearth said: It is a bit weird for me i guess to know so little about his pat love life I agree that the NOT talking is a potentially bigger issue than amount of time since the breakup. It's normal to have SOME conversation about your previous relationships in the context of getting to know each other and what you're looking for in a relationship. Excessive talking about an ex, as is bringing them up randomly and often, is a red flag. But I think it's normal, and even expected, to have some kind of discussion about them. I would tell him you'd like to know a little about his past experiences to help you understand him. Or bring up something from one of your past relationships and ask if he had any similar experiences. Maybe he's just purposely not talked about it because he doesn't want you to get the wrong idea, or maybe it really doesn't cross his mind enough for it to come up. But I would be curious to see how he reacts to you bringing it up.
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 I dated right away....not looking for anything serious, just dated and got out had fun. I wasn't going to sit around a mope. 1
poppyfields Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 heaven, not sure if not talking about his ex is a red flag necessarily. It could also be him trying to be sensitive to your feelings as (1) he knows that any talk about the ex is a a sensitive topic and might cause insecurity, and (2) since you've never asked, he might believe you don't want to know. There is another poster on this forum, Gaeta I think, who has posted she and her long term boyfriend have never spoken of their pasts, it's of no relevance to their relationship.. Not sure I agree but many people do believe that to be true and your bf may be one of them. There is a saying in Eastern philosophy: "Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a GIFT. That's why it's called the present." Try and enjoy your relationship in the present. When you finally meet, if you want to talk about it, that's okay too! Have fun, good luck and please update us after his visit!!
MissBee Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 On 7/7/2020 at 8:09 PM, heavenonearth said: i just have a bit of a general question. after a break up of a serious relationship, when should one start a new serious relationship again ? the guy i am seeing and his ex broke up last august and they were together 3 years, lived together for i think 2 of those or longer. we met when they had been broken up 9 months. if i relate it to my own experience, 9 months after my last break up i was nowhere near ready to date again, and i didn’t even live with my ex and we were only together 1,5 years. took me two years to open my heart again. then again, my ex got a new girlfriend two weeks after our break up and they are still together now, almost two years later. is there some sort of general consensus? of what’s healthy and what should be avoided? i really am in love with the guy i am seeing but i am scared maybe it’s too soon for him to enter something serious again? we are taking it real slow. You kind of answered your own question...it varies by the person, situation and relationship. There isn't a rule or should. It truly depends. Instead of just looking only on the time, you need to honor your own feelings if you're the one trying to see if you're ready, and if you're worried about another person, also pay attention to if and how they talk about their past, what hangups they have, how they treat you, are they rushing etc? Those things are more important than just the time. Of course if they broke up 2 weeks ago you may want to be more cautious, but it's more about knowing what you want from a partnership and seeing and feeling if they're giving you that or it seems they aren't able to.
kendahke Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) On 7/7/2020 at 8:09 PM, heavenonearth said: after a break up of a serious relationship, when should one start a new serious relationship again ? When one can go out with someone new and not spend any time comparing them to their ex. Also, when they're not going too fast nor too slow in the development of the relationship---both are indications that they are commitment avoidant or not emotionally ready to move forward with someone new. Edited July 11, 2020 by kendahke
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