Cosmic29 Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 Hi everyone. I’ve been with a guy for 5 years now. We’ve been having several issues..(mostly I have, anyway). We have been doing this long distance thing the whole time. He doesn’t seem to be taking me or our future seriously when it comes to moving, despite us both having kids to consider as well, so it’s making me wonder about a lot..especially marriage or my importance level. I just want some form of commitment, especially engagement if I’m going to continue doing this. I need new, life changing things! Hope! I really do love him, but I’m going a bit crazy. We both want to get married & he’s been teasing me about it for 5 long years now (meanie!) I am very sick of waiting, not getting any younger, and want him to just do the thing already if he truly loves me. I also want another baby! (I’m divorced with one kid, he is divorced with 4) I even wanted to propose to him, so I was sneaky and jokingly asked about what he’d do if I did that. He told me he would say no, because I’m not allowed to do it, so it’s out of the question. Yet...he refuses to propose...or get a home..anything at all.. so basically I’m stuck being forced to wait on his terms because he’s not ready for that, or ANYTHING, apparently. I’m really frustrated and almost dumped him recently because I truly don’t want my time wasted anymore. He knows it’s ultimate goals to be together & wed, but he isn’t doing anything to make it happen or help me believe he’s serious. He’s 10 years older than me, I thought he’d be much more mature & serious than this....What do I do? I can’t even talk to him about this stuff because he just gets angry at me.
amaysngrace Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 Break up with him. Let him know what he stands to lose. If you can’t even discuss your needs without him getting angry you’re probably better off without him. 5 1
FMW Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 Unfortunately it sounds like you only have two choices. (1) You stay with things as they are, and you stay frustrated and resentful, or (2) You take control of your life and stop seeing him, stop allowing him to make all the choices about your relationship. It sounds like he has things exactly as they are and has no motivation to change. He still has you and just has to get annoyed to make you stop asking for what you want and need. I know you hate to walk away after 5 years, but seriously consider if you are willing for things to keep going as they are. I would be very surprised if anything changes, no matter what he says about wanting to marry you. When we want something, we make it happen. I question his honesty in telling you that's what he wants. He knows it's what you want to hear. It's easy to say things. Quite another thing to do. 1
basil67 Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 So in short, this guy thinks your joint future revolves around him, won't take steps to end the long distance and refuses to discuss what he sees as a reasonable timeline. Sorry you've wasted five years on him, but he's not a keeper. 4
Ruby Slippers Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 I'm sorry, but this isn't going anywhere. In your place I'd end it immediately so I could heal and move on. 1
Emilie Jolie Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 1 hour ago, Cosmic29 said: We have been doing this long distance thing the whole time. This alone isn't great, especially since there are no firm plans to close the distance 5 years on, never mind marriage. 1 hour ago, Cosmic29 said: I can’t even talk to him about this stuff because he just gets angry at me. Definite dealbreaker. You say you want another baby. Between you, you already have 5 kids - why would you want to add a baby to the mix with a guy who has anger issues? 2
Versacehottie Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 (edited) Hmmm, there is not enough encouraging information in the set of circumstances you've laid out to keep trying "in the way you have been". To me, you have to do something bold or with great risk and put yourself first, knowing you might not end up with him at all. The long distance in itself for this length of time doesn't seem to indicate that he wants the status quo to change. To me, that's a dealbreaker. Right now, you are doing everything on his terms because he doesn't seem to really be letting you into his life fully or showing that anything will progress. There becomes a point where you need to stop asking or complaining to him and just start "doing" and taking action. I think you can say something to the effect that if you don't know what you are doing as a couple in 3 months (or another time frame but I'd make it short because you've already wasted a lot of time), you will be moving on. I think you should phrase it less as an ultimatum but more as that all this upheaval in 2020 has you reflecting on life and deciding you plan to live the next phase of yours. Phrase it like you are looking for growth and progress in your life and it's part of just what you want for yourself in general. He can either come along with the way you see that playing out or you are fine moving on without him so that you can pursue your goals (which IS ultimately what it is about; sounds like you want close relationship, day to day contact, living together, another child). So bet on YOURSELF not limit yourself to one person who is only proving to you that he, so far, won't give it to you. 5 years seems like long enough for him to know and if you both have families. I can see why a guy with 4 kids already might be reluctant if you aren't flexible on that issue at all. Better to know now rather than to keep letting him string you along. I also don't like that he doesn't listen or hear you when you express things. Not sure what is in it for you in this situation at all but also realize you are probably laying out the problems for us rather than the good things. The problems are pretty big and perhaps insurmountable IMO though. Tik Tok is kind of how I would look at it. Time's running out. Good luck Edited July 8, 2020 by Versacehottie
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 I think you already know what to do, OP. The writing is on the wall that this isn't going anywhere. 1
chillii Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Think you need to have a serious chat about it first of all anger or not . He may just be too comfortable or doesn't wanna change his situation with his kids or God knows . 5 kids that's gotta be a big deal. But it might be worth a shot first rather than just dumping it which is a very very hard thing to do and so is finding the right person. Do you believe he truly loves you in all the right ways ? Tell him you can't just live in limbo like this forever so if it's not gonna change then you think you should split. Then give him a wk or so to mull it over hopefully he doesn't need that butttt , ; think it's the best first step , and if he doesn't come up with a plan and some action then you got a big decision to make. 1
poppyfields Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Have you met and spent time with him in person? If so, how often? If not, why? 1
Rockdad Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Let's just say you get all your wanting. Do you have what it takes to become an instant mom of 5 kids and then get pregnant at the same time ? Is this something the guy can even financially support plus buy a house at the same time? 1
Mystery4u Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 5 years and still a LDR? That's the first problem you have and need to solve. I've been in a number of LDRs and 5 years is way too long. If he still does not want to close the gap after all this time then you need to end it now as you are just wasting your time. 1
Calmandfocused Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 You’re being future faked. It’s a commonality that one partner uses to keep their partner hoping and praying that promises will materialise into reality ..... except they don’t. Human beings are not programmed to want to change something they’re comfortable with and which works well for them. That wouldn’t make sense. Think about it: he has the benefits of a relationship but doesn’t have to deal with the mundane day to day practicalities as the relationship is long distance. He therefore has a degree of freedom, presumably his own resistance, and can see his children and pursue his hobbies whenever he wants. An added bonus is that he doesn’t have the trials and tribulations (and stress) of intergrating two families and uprooting his whole life. He’s happy as you are. There’s no motivation for any change as far as he’s concerned. 5 years is clearly telling you that.
poppyfields Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: Have you met and spent time with him in person? If so, how often? If not, why? Asking this again. Reason why is I've read so many threads from posters talking about their "long distance relationship" when it's actually an "on line relationship." I think it's a relevant question and changes the entire relationship dynamic. Can you clarify for us Cosmic? Edited July 8, 2020 by poppyfields 1
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 Should have followed through with that break up....change is progress.
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 5 years & no progress. . . .he likes the way things are & sees no reason to change. Since you want more, you have accept he's not your guy. The title of your thread says a lot. You aren't getting what you want in this relationship yet you think the fault lies with you. Wake up & recognize that he's not being man enough for you because he refuses to step up & actually build a life together.
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