21erkles Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Heres the story... Been married for 15 years, have 2 under 8 yo kids. We have definitely had our ups and downs. At my stag party (week before the wedding) I was stripped naked in a bar by a stripper, at the time i was working in a photo shop, I made up an album of her and my photos and gave it to her, needless to say it wasnt a good start. There was no physical involvement at all. In fact I have never had an affair. Anyway the next incident about 10 years ago was with a workmate, i made a pass and kissed her, definitely wanted more at the time, but it was not reciprocated. In both incidents I was drunk. Not an excuse, but I am aware now that this is a catalyst for me. I have stopped drinking excessively, no my limits and dont exceed them. Since this time there have been no more indisgressions on my part. Never been any on my wifes part. My wife developed agrophobia in between our getting married and the workmate incident, it got so bad she couldnt drive or go anywhere without me. Her family have all been through the same thing, and are mostly using prescription drugs to deal with it. I spent three years going to counselling with her to get through this (dont think it ever really goes away - just develop tools to deal with it), we also did a lot of counselling in regard to the stripper and the other woman. Anyway, kids came along - we still went to counselling occasionally. I really needed to do some more work on me, but didnt get around to it (its happening now). It always seems to get to crisis point for us before I move on it. Wife breastfed constantly for seven years, she was carrying a lot of extra weight through this period. After our second was born sex basically went out the window for three years. Once she gave up breast feeding she started eating right and going to the gym. I feel she demands a huge amount of support from me, I woud get home at 5, she would be off for 2 hours, while I fed, bathed and got the kids ready for bed - 4 nights a week. She has lost a lot of weight and is looking really good. In the middle of this I hired a woman at work who is attractive, I struggled with the decision and my feelings in regard to this person. I know I made the wrong decision, but have overcome my "normal" pattern and have the situation under control. My wife could see what was happening, a few arguments later she says she no longer loves me, and wants to seperate. I tell her to go away for a few days and think it over. Once she comes back, I pick her up from the airport and she tells me she is leaving. Four weeks later she goes away again (planned 6 months ago) with some old friends, comes back. She is happy to see me, hugs me. A week ago I cave in and send her away again, cost me 800 bucks for one day of happy wife. On all these occasions she has been going out, getting home at 9 in the morning - really not her. She doesnt drink but it is really out of character. After some prying she tells me the first time she met up with an old friend, she had developed a relationship with this guy (in her head), when she met him realised he was not what she was hoping for. Now she met another couple of guys, both just friends, who she regularly contacts... she has been trolling the web looking for contact details for these guys. I dont believe she is doing anything, but I dont trust her anymore. We are still living under the same roof - due to where we live there isnt much choice in this. This stuff is driving me crazy, I love my boys and my wife. We are doing some counselling, and I want to make this work - she has made it clear to me where shes at, it hurts like hell. I have told her to go and leave the boys with me, she wont entertain this. I dont know what to do - needed to vent, sorry if the above is not very together, kinda resembles my head right now.
legrtova Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Sorry you are having to go through this. Not really sure what to tell you...just HANG IN THERE...I guess you will see what happens with time. Good Luck!
Author 21erkles Posted October 11, 2005 Author Posted October 11, 2005 Thanks for that. Just getting through days as best I can. Todays been a bit crappy. Reading it again, the first bit is the reasons she is citing, plus some other bits and pieces that happened over the years. Kinda laid bare I guess (no pun intended)
hooghie Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 If she hasn't already done something she will very soon unless something changes. Counseling is good. I would also add romance and more sex to your relationship. Spend more time with her. Let her know how you feel about her and how great she looks. If she's lost a lot of weight she is probably getting a lot more attention than she's use to- be careful. I'm sorry I don't know what advice to give you, but there are several people on this board who can probably help. Search through posts on infidelity and other man/other woman posts. good luck.
Author 21erkles Posted October 13, 2005 Author Posted October 13, 2005 Well, Ive been sleeping in a seperate couch the last couple of nights. Tensions have eased, I still see the occasional sparkle in her eye. I can see that it may be salvagable, but it wont be my standard quick fix, the whole basis of our relationship needs to change. I am going to try and keep it together ---- somehow. My wife is well down the track of it being finished, Im only starting the whole process. I do realise that to do this I will need to move out once we relocate, I am really concerned at the effect me not being home will have on the kids. We have agreed that I will look after our youngest for the next 12 months (then school for him). Just need to work out the hows. I never wanted to end up in this position, now I know why.
Author 21erkles Posted October 23, 2005 Author Posted October 23, 2005 We just had a mammoth 4 hour counselling session - took me a solid 2 hour walk in the rain to stop my head spinning after that. Marriage is definitely over, there is no chance of reconcilliation at this stage. Now its down to when and how we tell the kids. Fortunately the counsellor is a good friend of both of us, and is going to help us through this transition. Ive managed to find some space in me for me. My (ex)wife bought me a book, Manhood - by Steve Biddulph. Ive found some real strength in it and would reccomend it to other men (and women). The next 12 or so months will be a journey. Im sure now I will come through this, better and stronger. Sure wont be repeating the mistakes I made again. Personally I have a lot of work to do over the next year or two, I hope my wife continues to seek help and finds herself. Thanks for listening...
allaboutchoices Posted October 23, 2005 Posted October 23, 2005 Good luck to you. You have a great outlook on things and don't expect it to be all smooth. That's good. Keep us posted and yeah, good luck
Author 21erkles Posted October 27, 2005 Author Posted October 27, 2005 Having one hell of a crappy day... Last night it was all venom from the W. I kept my cool and resolved as much as I could. Finding it real hard to let go of her generally. Still under the same roof at the moment, once we move (christmas) this is going to have to change. This probably stems from me sliding back into the marital bed for the last couple of nights. I have been sleeping on the floor on couch cushions - needed a bit of a catch up on rest. Its the simple things that are nailing me. Tommorrow night, organising to go out to dinner withsome friends, cant find a baby sitter, she still wants to go - I get the insane jealousy feeling, work to keep it under control. Then Saturday ask some leading questions that piss her off and its all in the crap again. She is talking to astrologers, psychics, reading a myriad of womens mags. Very insecure in her own skin right now. Im finding strength without her acceptance, the whole power/control balance thing seems to be a real concern to her. Speaks to me in a very condescending way, smirks when Im speaking in these situations. I think I need to get away. I have organised to be away for a weekend in November, hang out with some friends - get a bit of space. Good days and bad, I expected it to be this way, just wish the bad werent so crappy. Although she did drop in a coffee to me this arvo... Confused - you bet...
Author 21erkles Posted December 2, 2005 Author Posted December 2, 2005 W has been hanging around websites looking for "friendship". Tonite she is out with a "girlfriend". Just got the call - wont be home, to much to drink. I have snooped and seen whats going on - it aint her girlfriend shes staying with. She lies constantly, she has just dragged it down to another level. Tommorrow Im telling her Im outta here. Ive had a gutsfull of being treated like ****. She only had to wait two weeks till we are outta this town, I was moving out anyway once we had moved, but no - I even confronted her and asked her to show me a bit of respect - she cant even do that. After 15 years this is what we end up with - 2 beautifull kids caught up in her adolescent whims. I feel like fighting her for custody of the kids - I would happily take them, and have told her this. I did some stupid things all those years ago, but I dont deserve this. My boys deserve better. I have no respect for her anymore. She will end up dealing with the consequences of her actions. I guess it will be me picking up the pieces.
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