Is my fiance trying to hint he doesn't want kids or worse

[Miss Spider]

6 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Oh Cookie. 

Yes, it will hurt him if you leave him now. But it will hurt more to go through with this and then leave him in 6 months or 6 years or whenever the breaking point comes.  It's not like if you can just get past the next X days/weeks/months/whatever, it will all be ok.  It won't. Whatever doubts or misgivings you have will just grow.  And if, in a moment of feeling especially loving or accommodating, you decide to have a child, that is irreversible and will forever change the trajectory of your life, his life, and the child's life.

I know you feel swept up in this and as if you can't do an about face at this point.  But you can.  You really can and it will be ok.  Not at first.  And maybe not for a long time.  But ultimately, it will be ok. 

 

Thank you so much for this. I feel a bit better after I read this. 

Please, guys. Don't think he is a bad guy on an abuser. He wouldn't abuse me at all and I know he would bend over backwards for me, but if I broke up, he'd let me go but he'd just be very hurt for awhile.  He's a very good man. He makes me food every night. He cut out almost all his drinking for me. He opens doors/makes sure I have everything. He is such a gentleman.  I think he would be shocked most of all. I don't want people to think I am an innocent party completely in all of this.

I think my relationships are fast and burn hot because I tend to be very all over the top too at first in terms of affections with the guys I am with, so it goes fast.. We never keep our hands off of each other, even in public, I constantly kissing and cuddling and  and telling each other how much we mean to each other...I say it to him too.. like "I never felt this way about someone ever, like I want to be with them forever"which at the time was true.

 

Another thing is , he told me when his pops dies he will have to grow up fast and be the man of the house and this is the first time he isn't scared of taking on the responsibility because we are together and will make more memories there (it's a huge property and his parent's life work) and our children will grow up there.. Awhile ago he asked if I will be there for him through all that, and I said yes. And his mom and dad have this wonderful relationship but his dad has some health issues and things are tense with his sibling his parents had to disown. He told me I am like the glue that makes things work since I came into his life I even helped his parents relationship. He has never felt so happy and the love of his life and I told him I have never been happier. That's partly true, but I remember my life when I was single, and I was very happy too. This seems weird, but lately I  thought about a video game I've used to play with so much nostalgia. It sounds immature, but I remember just having a lot of fun doing that, not really worried about as much. I was happy. I started thinking how I would have a hard time going back to that.

 

Also my parents do not think he is right for me because he has a ton of tattoos.

 

I will probably talk to him Friday after next.   This is so fcking bad. Will update then

 

TY again

Edited July 11, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[balletomane]

Cookies, is this the guy you dated last month? The man struggling with alcoholism and BPD who was living in his car? I ask because some of the behaviour you're describing in this thread sounds like BPD, or at least very serious emotional immaturity and poor judgement. Please think about this.

A man holding doors for you is a gesture. It doesn't cost anything and it isn't a sign of good character. A man could be mass murderer or a raging violent alcoholic and still hold doors for a girlfriend. That sort of etiquette is something you should see as the icing on the cake. It's not a replacement for the flour and eggs and sugar and all the other basic, basic ingredients - maturity, level-headness, good judgement, emotional stability.

What you've posted shows that he lacks those things. For example, he says he's been nervous because he "will have to grow up" and become the man of the house? Cookies, he's thirty-seven. He should already BE grown up. Those fears would be understandable in a young college student with frail parents, but not in a man his age.

Two, level-headedness. He is obviously very impulsive, even more impulsive than you. He's calling you "the glue that holds things together", but realistically, he barely knows you. He doesn't know how the two of you would cope in a challenging situation, because you simply haven't experienced enough life together. It can be very flattering to hear things like that, but also guilt-inducing - the shadowy flip side of all this praise is that if you leave and things come unstuck with his parents, it will be all your fault. And trust me, it will flip. People who love-bomb you and attribute all these amazing good things to you will also blame you and hold you responsible when things go sour.

Three, stability. He's "cut out most of his drinking". You mean that he's been able to reduce - not stop - his alcohol intake for a very short period of time. Rephrase that: "He can't even manage a month fully sober." Does it sound like such a great sign if you put it like that? But that's what you're describing.

If he wasn't latching onto you as his saviour, he would be love-bombing another woman in just such an impulsive way. I guarantee it. You do not have to believe that you are the only person who can make him happy and stop him crumbling. You do not owe him that, even supposing you could provide it, which you can't.

You need to get out of this, for your own wellbeing. Once you're out, it would be helpful to explore why you say yes to these dysfunctional men, and why it's so easy for you to get trapped in the moment. But get yourself out first.

[mortensorchid]

Find out where he stands on this NOW.  That way you will have your answers on it.  

Do you know how many people I have known who waffled on this?  I dated a guy for a flash who said he didn't want kids and he rebounded and barely a year later married a woman with 2 children from each previous marriage who he ended up supporting.  I dated another guy who said he didn't want kids and he married a woman and had 2 with her he probably didn't want.  Then another woman had been living with her bf for years when she suddenly got pregnant and they got married, she said she didn't want kids.  All three of above named people are divorced from their spouses today - probably a combo of reasons other than kids.  And another couple I knew said they didn't want kids, then after so many years began to think "is that all there is?" And had them.  As far as I know they are still happily married. 

Find out where he stands on this and make a decision.  Don't end up like these people. 

[Erik30]

On 7/11/2020 at 9:07 PM, Cookiesandough said:

he told me when his pops dies he will have to grow up fast and be the man of the house and this is the first time he isn't scared of taking on the responsibility because we are together and will make more memories there

He probably thought that sounded good, but this guy is 37.... does he still live with his parents? I guess they're still taking care of him, because a teen would say something like that.

Sorry but I think you deserve better 

Edited July 12, 2020 by Erik30

[CaliforniaGirl]

When his pops dies he'll grow up? He's 37.

Well, best of luck, Cookies. You seem pretty determined that this is the right thing so you'll be doing it. Good luck and may you have a happy marriage.

[Miss Spider]

Hi no he’s not the homeless man. That was another guy I was multidating in the beginning.
 

I have known  him for over 6 mo. Thank  We live together in his apartment. Just his parents have 10 acres and like a house they build from scratch and keep in improving. They are not rich by any means, like only 200,000-300,000 in retirement.

 

Plus the property, which will probably go to him so he was worried on how to take care of it. I think he’s just worried about his dad. He’s very close to his parents.... like hangs out with the daily. His dad is sick and when he dies, he’s worried she will die of a broken heart  

Edited July 12, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

On 7/11/2020 at 3:53 PM, balletomane said:

Cookies, is this the guy you dated last month? The man struggling with alcoholism and BPD who was living in his car? I ask because some of the behaviour you're describing in this thread sounds like BPD, or at least very serious emotional immaturity and poor judgement. Please think about this.

A man holding doors for you is a gesture. It doesn't cost anything and it isn't a sign of good character. A man could be mass murderer or a raging violent alcoholic and still hold doors for a girlfriend. That sort of etiquette is something you should see as the icing on the cake. It's not a replacement for the flour and eggs and sugar and all the other basic, basic ingredients - maturity, level-headness, good judgement, emotional stability.

What you've posted shows that he lacks those things. For example, he says he's been nervous because he "will have to grow up" and become the man of the house? Cookies, he's thirty-seven. He should already BE grown up. Those fears would be understandable in a young college student with frail parents, but not in a man his age.

Two, level-headedness. He is obviously very impulsive, even more impulsive than you. He's calling you "the glue that holds things together", but realistically, he barely knows you. He doesn't know how the two of you would cope in a challenging situation, because you simply haven't experienced enough life together. It can be very flattering to hear things like that, but also guilt-inducing - the shadowy flip side of all this praise is that if you leave and things come unstuck with his parents, it will be all your fault. And trust me, it will flip. People who love-bomb you and attribute all these amazing good things to you will also blame you and hold you responsible when things go sour.

Three, stability. He's "cut out most of his drinking". You mean that he's been able to reduce - not stop - his alcohol intake for a very short period of time. Rephrase that: "He can't even manage a month fully sober." Does it sound like such a great sign if you put it like that? But that's what you're describing.

If he wasn't latching onto you as his saviour, he would be love-bombing another woman in just such an impulsive way. I guarantee it. You do not have to believe that you are the only person who can make him happy and stop him crumbling. You do not owe him that, even supposing you could provide it, which you can't.

You need to get out of this, for your own wellbeing. Once you're out, it would be helpful to explore why you say yes to these dysfunctional men, and why it's so easy for you to get trapped in the moment. But get yourself out first.

It’s a different guy. Sorry for confusion 

Edited July 12, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[balletomane]

It being a different guy doesn't make it better, just a different kind of bad.

Think back to what you were writing about the homeless guy barely five weeks ago. You said that he was the only person who made you feel as if he could fall for someone.

Five weeks later, he's just someone you were multidating, and you're engaged to and in love with another man, a man who also sounds very dysfunctional. What's it going to be five weeks from now?

You're making excuses and rationalisations for a very unhealthy situation. You might be able to talk yourself into believing them for a few weeks, but marriage is meant to be a life commitment.

Go carefully.

[normal person]

On 7/11/2020 at 3:07 PM, Cookiesandough said:

Another thing is , he told me when his pops dies he will have to grow up fast and be the man of the house and this is the first time he isn't scared of taking on the responsibility because we are together

He's 37. The time to grow up and be a man was a decade ago. If he's just now, only because he has you, not scared, that should be a cause for concern. A 37 year old man shouldn't be scared of the general responsibility of life. And think about this, the only reason he isn't scared now is because you've become his safety net. He's taken the responsibility for his own sense of security and put it on you. Do you really want to live with that? This just sounds like an accident waiting to happen. The guy should be self assured long before he asks someone to marry him. I don't ask or pressure my fiancee for anything like this. I don't pin my happiness on her and her alone. The satisfaction in my life is derived from multiple sources. 

 

On 7/11/2020 at 3:07 PM, Cookiesandough said:

Awhile ago he asked if I will be there for him through all that

He sounds like he needs reassurance as if he's not sure he can be an adult on his own. This doesn't strike me as good paternal behavior. 

 

On 7/11/2020 at 3:07 PM, Cookiesandough said:

He told me I am like the glue that makes things work since I came into his life I even helped his parents relationship. He has never felt so happy and the love of his life and I told him I have never been happier. That's partly true, but I remember my life when I was single, and I was very happy too.

His happiness and his parents' happiness are not your responsibility. It's great that you're able to help, but the person you're with should be stable and secure on their own. It sounds like his only security and self satisfaction are derived from you. Now you find yourself in this tenuous situation because you don't want to hurt him. Well, what about you? Why don't you get to say it makes you uncomfortable? You're letting him assume and do things you're not comfortable with by threatening you with responsibility for his feelings. They aren't your responsibility. They're his. Don't let him use those things to make you do things you aren't comfortable with. 

[IndigoNight]

Why is kids even a discussion so early in your relationship? How do you know if you will even be together in 6 months, or year? Finish school, and then decide if children will fit into your life plan. Until then, tell him to babysit when he is feeling fatherly.