introverted1 Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 I won't reiterate the concern about getting engaged when you were having a first date with someone else a month ago. I will just say that if you leave a fiance or husband, that is one thing, but a child is forever. 4 1
Snow_Queen Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 I can understand his concern over being an older father. My second child was completely unplanned at almost 40 and I’m exhausted every day! I was done with young children and was ready to move into a peaceful middle age. You both sound undecided on what the future holds but don’t rush for anyone. You’re just now getting yourself out there whereas he’s had some time to establish his life. The engagement and overall period of time you’ve known each other is short lived. You won’t be giving up a tremendous amount of invested time if you have to break it off. Just be sure if you do say yes to kids. 1
Allupinnit Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 When it comes to getting married there is NO RUSH. Please take your time. I got engaged after 7 months of knowing my H and I REALLY wish we had waited longer. I don't regret marrying him AT ALL but there were so many things in our first year of marriage we had to iron out and it became crystal clear that we had sooooo much to learn about each other. After dating for one month you do NOT know this man and you are still both operating on your best behavior and are squarely in the limerence stage of your relationship. In a year you may find that he's a completely different person than you thought. A happy marriage takes work, compromise, patience. The excitement and butterflies fade and then you're left looking at the very real person you signed up to be with LOL. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 12 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: Thank you so much, everyone. Yes, we have really only been exclusive for about a month. When someone asked, he said we have been dating 3 months, so I went with it. But it’s a matter of perspective. I was multidating and we didn’t become official until a little less than a month ago. I know it is a bit weird how fast everything has moved, but sometimes it just happens that way. He suggested we elope right away, but we aren’t. It will be some time and it will also give time to get to know each other better, That would make me seriously question is ability to be a suitable parent. He is impulsive and doesn't think through life-changing decisions. That would give me gigantic reservations about sort of father he would actually be, especially when he's older and meant to be more mature by now. Personally I would be very uncomfortable even entertaining the idea of bringing a new life into the world with someone whose thought patterns have been proven to be...so questionable. 4
Allupinnit Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Also do you have a ring? Or was it just "Let's get married?" 1
Emilie Jolie Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 (edited) 23 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: Don't ask. This is not the usual reaction from somebody who just got engaged, to be honest. This should be the happiest day of your life! The disconnect is troubling. You know it's ok to say no if you're not feeling it, right? 12 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: I feel like he’s in that stage still where he just says stuff to appease me Your instincts are screaming at you here. Listen to your gut, cookies... Edited July 8, 2020 by Emilie Jolie 7
Watercolors Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 (edited) 23 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: After dating for one month you do NOT know this man and you are still both operating on your best behavior and are squarely in the limerence stage of your relationship. In a year you may find that he's a completely different person than you thought. Wait, so you've only known each other in real life for 4 weeks and he proposed marriage to you? And you are 27 and he's 37. You don't want children b/c you're in school for 2 more years, and he flip-flops about wanting/not wanting children. I would postpone the engagement for another year or two. So you can finish school and be in a new headspace. And in 2 years, you'll both know each other better. My cousin married his girlfriend he met online after 2 months of dating offline. Biggest mistake of his life. On his wedding day, his gut was screaming at him not to go through with it. He went against his gut to please his girlfriend and everyone who showed up. She had bipolar depression and stalked him at his workplace, causing him to lose his job. She refused to work, so he had to deliver pizzas and work in a retail job. Her mental health got worse so he divorced her. She financially ruined him to the point where he had to file chapter 7 bankruptcy and move back in with his parents for three years. She stalked him until he had her petitioned for inpatient treatment. Then, he got another full-time job, moved out of his parents house, met another woman online dating her in person for 2 years before marrying her and having children with her. Rushing into marriage with the wrong person can have dire consequences as my cousin learned. Make sure that your boyfriend is who you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you don't want to be engaged to him anymore, because you doubt his stability, then break it off. The world will not end as you'll have freed yourself from an incompatible partner. Have you directly told him, "I don't want children until after I finish graduate school." If you haven't, then you need to. His response will help you decide if moving forward on your engagement is wise. If you two aren't on the same page with having children right now, you won't be in the future (most likely). Edited July 8, 2020 by Watercolors 4
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Okay, whoa, Cookies. This guy is rushing you SO fast. Call me cynical (others do, LOL) BUT...why is he rushing to seal the deal and put a ring on it? Engaged within a month, hurry and elope? What is he trying to have you not see/figure out before he has you locked down? Cookies... Honey... 4
RecentChange Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Engaged after a month, and haven't come to agreement on a major compatibility issue. What could go wrong? I want to emphasize what an above poster said. You can always get divorced (and will never again be "single" but rather an "unmarried woman" legally). BUT KIDS ARE FOREVER I am sure you are aware of the saying "only fools rush in". You don't want to elaborate on WHY you are engaged - one of the most important and life changing decisions one can make (second to having kids) and I can't help but assume this "we will be together and love each other FOREVER" thing hasn't been totally thought through. Marriage is for the rest of your life, ideally you will be by this man's side for more years than you have yet been on the planet for. Make sure it's a sound choice. Kids absolutely have to be agreed upon before engagement. Dating is about finding compatibility, engagements should come after that compatibility and agreement on what the future goals will be are cemented. With such a major life changing choice kids are - are you actually on the fence about this? You honestly haven't day dreamed about wanting a life with kids, or without? It's usually something people have pretty strong convictions about. Do you want to be a mother some day? Or not? 4
ShyViolet Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 Cookies, your judgment is really off. You're engaged and talking about having kids with a man who you've been exclusive with for "about a month." Please slow down and think about the choices you are making... stop jumping into things and making major life decisions so impulsively. 7
normal person Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 Congratulations. But this is typically the sort of thing you should figure out before you agree to marry someone. Think about this: who you marry is going to be the biggest, most important decision of your life. Having kids is going to (or at least, should) be another incredibly important decision, and become the time where you stop prioritizing yourself and start prioritizing your children. You move from the starring role to the supporting role. Again, at least you should. If you and your husband aren't both 100% ready and willing to have kids and make the necessary sacrifices for them, do not have them. As others have said, this isn't something you can just change your mind about after you do it. Of all the things to be flighty about, this isn't one. If you have children you aren't ready for, or don't want, you could potentially ruin 3 peoples' lives and leave your children to ruin their kids' lives because they had parents who had them on a whim and then decided they weren't ready, and set a horrible example. I know it sounds extreme, but it's the truth. Other things you need to consider: Religion, money, goals, values. I don't want to sound condescending, but if you're engaged before you've talked about children, I'm worried what else you haven't considered. There shouldn't be any surprises. I only asked my girlfriend to marry after 2 years, at which point we had lived together for 7 months, at which point there weren't any more surprises. We learned everything we needed to know about each other first. Marriage and kids aren't decisions you should make hastily. I would give it some more time if I were you. 2
Fox Sake Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 Hey cookies, You said “don’t ask” (probably cos you know the story sounds nuts) but I really want to know how this came about and so soon? Just out of interest , let’s pretend for a minute. If this was me or someone else on this forum that had written this thread and you knew moderately about their history (your history), what would you say to them? what would your advice be to yourself? I know you give good advice Personally, I feel like you’re rushing all these relationships lately. I don’t know entirely why, although I have a few ideas. You have so much going for you and even more to give...take your time - life is for living and to be enjoyed. Marriage and kids will happen when they’re meant to happen, definitely not something to rush into or feel pressured to do. Society has a funny way of making people think they’re falling behind in life , but really , there isn’t a set path or pattern apart from being conformist to society’s ”rules” 2 1
normal person Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 (edited) On 7/8/2020 at 3:41 AM, Cookiesandough said: I know it is a bit weird how fast everything has moved, but sometimes it just happens that way. Saying "sometimes it just happens that way" doesn't suddenly make it a good idea, though. It doesn't mean that this isn't the guy you should marry, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't wait a while and figure some things out first, though. Sorry, I know this is a thread about having kids but this is just a big of an issue, I think most people here would agree. Edited July 10, 2020 by normal person 1
notbroken Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 Tell him the truth - that you don't want kids for a few years and are sure about that. Ask him how he feels about that. I would strongly suggest at least a year engagement and graduation before marrying, much less having kids. Marriage is a life long commitment (or is supposed to be). Are you sure you are ready for that? 1 1
MissBee Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 (edited) On 7/7/2020 at 5:21 PM, Cookiesandough said: Hi. So as of last night, I am engaged to my bf of about 3 mo (talking for like 6). Don't ask. Anyway, the question I have is regarding his stance on children. Early in our relationship he said he wasn't sure if he ever wanted kids. I don't care either way, but to be honest, leaning towards staying child free. Recently, like within the last month, he has been bringing up the subject of kids often, Like how we would make attractive, smart kids and he would make a great dad. A couple weeks ago told me that for the first time in his life he is considering having kids with someone and how I would feel about it. I said sure, if it turns out that way, I would have a kid and agree he'd make an excellent dad. A few days ago, we were at a pool party and his friends started talking about their kids and he said to me when we were alone "I'm probably never going to have kids". I said "you could have kids if you wanted" and he said "I better hurry up then. I'm 37. What am I going to be ? 40 years old with my first kid?" I said why not.?He said he is worried about being an older dad.. This is not the first time he has mentioned being worried about waiting too long to have kids. I told him he doesn't necessarily have to be a dad, he can have the freedom of being child free. He said "I'm fine either way" and I agreed that I feel the same way. T he problem is that I am in school for 2 more years at least until I finish my program. It is not in my life plans to have kids soon. It's just kind of mysterious to me why he brings up kids so often and says he needs to start having them soon. Is this just his way of saying he does not want kids and struggling with it? Thanks!!! This isn't something anyone here can or should answer. If you're planning to marry this man (and to be honest, after 6 months, and based on this question, it seems this is a very rushed plan) you should be able to speak frankly with him and have mature conversations about your futures, including a big decision like whether or not you plan to have kids. I don't know how old you are, but I honestly expected you were gonna say you all were 21 or something, not almost 40. It seems by this time, in a serious relationship, if you've agreed to be married, you should be having serious conversations regarding kids, debt, house, life insurance etc. These aren't matters of guessing or asking random people to guess about... You seem very passive about the whole thing...like "oh well it just happened" "dunno if he wants kids or not" "don't ask." This doesn't bode well. At minimum, if you're gonna be married you need to be able to speak to your future husband directly, plainly and have important conversations. That's what partnership is about. If you can't do that then you shouldn't get married, as you're gonna spend the whole relationship guessing and asking everyone else and not communicating. Edited July 10, 2020 by MissBee 1 1
Andy_K Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 Congrats. Sort of. It's evident from your posting history that you're not really going to change until you make a catastrophic life error of some kind, so perhaps marrying or having kids with this guy will be that huge mistake that wakes you up. I have some understanding of where he's coming from. I just turned 37, I have a daughter already (she's 10) but I want more and I'm very conscious that I don't want to be an old dad either. That said, there's no way I'd consider marrying someone I'd known for a few months, and had only been exclusive for one. That's a crazy thing to be doing. It's bad enough someone being that rash and impulsive at 27, but at 37.... well that suggests his judgement or maturity is seriously impaired in some way. 1
Author Miss Spider Posted July 11, 2020 Author Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) I am struggling Thank you for the advice and kind words. LS is so supportive. Love you guys. Really tired so hope this makes sense. I am in a really bad spot. So last Sunday my bf proposed to me on a trip and I said yea. I agree with the people who say I have issues with not considering things thoroughly enough and getting swept awayin the moment. I am having many second thoughts. Not even since then, but since the beginning. It’s not that I don’t love him, because I am pretty sure I do. It’s just that in the relatively short time we’ve known each other he has pinned his whole future on me. While there is an element of that I like because I love him. I long to be single again. I can’t slow down the pace either at this point either without it hurting him....I I feel like he talks about having kids every day. I don’t know what that is about, but it’s also making me feel pressured and uncomfortable. When we first started dating he said he didn’t care either way. However, last night he was talking about how his parents will die and my parents will die eventually and it will just be us ( which is true) so let’s make some babies. It’s plural now. That’s just not how I want my life to go I don’t know what I’m going to do at this point. This always happens to me. A few months good and then it becomes horrible. I don’t think I’ll recover from this one and go back to dating. We are taking a trip again here shortly and flying to see his friends. I am thinking about breaking off after all that happens. But his words don’t ever leave me and he is never letting me go keep ringing in my head. I already told him how I break up with all my bfs and have issues with that. I told him I was afraid I’d hurt him, but also that I’d never hurt him This will hurt him. Plus there’s the whole issue with my relationship with his parents and with the ring. Any words of wisdom is much appreciated Edited July 11, 2020 by Cookiesandough
introverted1 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 Oh Cookie. Yes, it will hurt him if you leave him now. But it will hurt more to go through with this and then leave him in 6 months or 6 years or whenever the breaking point comes. It's not like if you can just get past the next X days/weeks/months/whatever, it will all be ok. It won't. Whatever doubts or misgivings you have will just grow. And if, in a moment of feeling especially loving or accommodating, you decide to have a child, that is irreversible and will forever change the trajectory of your life, his life, and the child's life. I know you feel swept up in this and as if you can't do an about face at this point. But you can. You really can and it will be ok. Not at first. And maybe not for a long time. But ultimately, it will be ok. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 It will hurt him, but also hopefully serve as a lesson for him (and you): Slow. Way. Down. The likelihood that this would have worked out well is low anyway, as relationships that start with a bang don't tend to stand the test of time. 1
Emilie Jolie Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 32 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I feel like he talks about having kids every day That, to me personally, is a dealbreaker. Whether you want kids or not isn't even the issue at this point - it's the overbearing way he goes about it. He is not giving any thought about how this makes you feel, he's just expecting you to be on board. You gave him fair warning about how you do breakups, so it won't come as a shock (if you do want that). Take a deep breath and do what you have to you in good conscience; it'll all be fine 1
nospam99 Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) Cookies, on what others are saying, me too (irony because of the 'other' connotations of 'me too'). I think I was a little more open minded than most posters when you announced being engaged. But now ... 'struggling' ... 'in a really bad spot'. My observations and suggestions (probably singing with the rest of the choir here): - you do 'paint yourself into corners'. When this one 'settles down', it would be wise to do some introspection in the interest of anticipating paths into corners. That's for later. Right NOW you have a man who acts like he is devoted to you. And you know what I think about being responsible to other people. - I think you owe it to him to be honest. Have a long enough talk about your uncertainty about being a parent. Talk about how his focus on wanting to be a parent makes you uncomfortable. He may 'back off' in an attempt to preserve the relationship. But I'd wonder, and you should, if any backing off is just a tactic. - The children topic takes precedence. But if you two resolve that to your mutual satisfaction, your desire to complete your education also has to be negotiated to a FULL resolution. - A RING? I don't remember if you mentioned that before. If you did and it slipped by me, my bad. However that's also something to be negotiated. I have no anticipation if the most serious issue, future children, will cause you to break the engagement. But if you break the engagement for any reason, I think the responsible thing to do is to 'make him whole' with respect to the ring. If you can afford it, offer to pay him back (i.e. money). Certainty be prepared to offer to give it back. He may decline either money or return of the ring. But if it comes to that, give him the options. Addendum on the 'children thing' ... My read of the situation .... HE definitely wants children... WITH YOU. YOU are, at best, uncertain about having children. Right now, you don't want to have children. You 'might' change your mind about that in the future. But, as my eldest's godfather told me before mine were born, 'they change your life'. Best to be prepared for and willing to make those changes. Don't get married unless you are sure you two are on the same page about having children. Meanwhile, use birth control! Edited July 11, 2020 by nospam99 1
ShyViolet Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: I can’t slow down the pace either at this point either without it hurting him....I I feel like he talks about having kids every day. I don’t know what that is about, but it’s also making me feel pressured and uncomfortable. This relationships is unhealthy and dysfunctional. No, you do not have to keep going at this pace just because HE wants to, just for the sake of his feelings. You know this relationship is unhealthy and full of red flags. So now do something about it, don't just go along with it because you're too afraid to hurt him. He will get hurt, but it's his own fault too. 1 1
Atwood Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 Please please please remember that you are not responsible for his hurt feelings just for setting boundaries. Getting engaged and talking about kids after 3 months and pinning the entire future on you thing is a MASSIVE red flag that a lot of abusers use to get you stuck. If you feel stuck, it's not because you are actually stuck, it's because he wants you to feel that way. Please watch a TEDtalk called Unmasking the Abuser. It teaches you how to spot the signs in someone you've known for even just 2 hours. You will have plenty of material to work with by the sound of it. Any choice you make is valid and anything you want or need is valid. If he is making you feel like you can't slow down or can't make other choices other than his, he doesn't care about you. He cares about the role you're going to play in his life. I don't like being alarmist with this stuff, but we very often downplay red flags and pay for it severely later. Best to be on the lookout. I'm very sorry you've been having rough spots and not feeling very good about everything 1
Andy_K Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 Cookies, be cautious of controlling/manipulative behaviour. He's a 37 year old guy who is fortunate enough to have ended up dating a hot girl 10 years his junior who is also a people-pleaser with trouble setting boundaries. Of course his objective is to lock you down fast, and marriage and kids is how that happens. First he pins his hopes and dreams on you, and then it's your fault when anything in his life goes wrong. If that path continues then pretty soon you'll find yourself on a roller-coaster between scathing attacks on your self esteem one minute, and being showered with love and affection the next. You'll try to ignore the lows because of the highs, and so you become trapped in the cycle. 2
Interstellar Posted July 11, 2020 Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) part of me thinks there’s no other women left in your area. the guys you date, they all want to rush the relationship. “ i see this girl and I want to marry her and have her babies, but I don’t really know her that well. ah, who cares, I love her and that’s the only thing that matters.” reality doesn’t really care about your feelings guy. it’s only the woman’s feelings that matter. this is what men don’t understand though. you did told the guy that you tend to break up with your bfs and your reason. I don’t think he was listening. i really can’t blame you cookies for getting rid of them. if they keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again you’re left with no choice. Edited July 11, 2020 by Interstellar 1
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