Is my fiance trying to hint he doesn't want kids or worse

[Miss Spider]

Hi. So as of last night, I am engaged to my bf of about 3 mo (talking for like 6). Don't ask. Anyway, the question I have is regarding his stance on children.  Early in our relationship he said he wasn't sure if he ever wanted kids. I don't care either way, but to be honest, leaning towards staying child free.

Recently, like within the last month, he has been bringing up the subject of kids often, Like how we would make attractive, smart kids and he would make a great dad. A couple weeks ago told me that for the first time in his life he is considering having kids with someone and how I would feel about it. I said sure, if it turns out that way, I would have a kid and agree he'd make an excellent dad. A few days ago, we were at a pool party and his friends started talking about their kids and he said to me when we were alone "I'm probably never going to have kids".  I said "you could have kids if you wanted" and he said "I better hurry up then. I'm 37. What am I going to be ? 40 years old with my first kid?"  I said why not.?He said he is worried about being an older dad.. This is not the first time he has mentioned being worried about waiting too long to have kids. I told him he  doesn't necessarily have to be a dad, he can have the freedom of being child free. He said "I'm fine either way" and I agreed that I feel the same way. T

he problem is that I am in school for 2 more years at least until I finish my program. It is not in my life plans to have kids soon.  It's just kind of mysterious to me why he brings up kids so often  and says he needs to start having them soon. Is  this just his way of saying he does not want kids and struggling with it? Thanks!!!

Edited July 7, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[smackie9]

I think you should get him to clarify what he means, and tell him it will be >>>>amount of time before you would consider it. Then if it is true he doesn't want to wait for the next 4 years or whatever, you both will are at an impasse. It could make or break your relationship....better talk to him again to figure this out.

[JTSW]

I take it there is a bit of an age gap between you.

Sounds like he doesn't know what he wants at all. He clearly doesn't want children in his 40s and you need to finish school.

You don't sound very compatible if I'm honest x

[smackie9]

This is why whenever I started dating someone, I made it clear I didn't want to marry or have children. I told them I will not be changing my mind, and if this is what they want eventually, then stop seeing me.

[Miss Spider]

6 minutes ago, JTSW said:

I take it there is a bit of an age gap between you.

Sounds like he doesn't know what he wants at all. He clearly doesn't want children in his 40s and you need to finish school.

You don't sound very compatible if I'm honest x

 

10 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I think you should get him to clarify what he means, and tell him it will be >>>>amount of time before you would consider it. Then if it is true he doesn't want to wait for the next 4 years or whatever, you both will are at an impasse. It could make or break your relationship....better talk to him again to figure this out.

Thank you. I am about 10 years younger. Anyway, I am fine with not having kids, so if he doesn't want them I feel we are compatible. The problem is if he wants them soon. I just cannot have them for a least the next few years. Wondering if anyone experienced this and how it panned out. He brings up children a lot and says he wants us to have a child some day. Then he says twice now he doesn't want to be an older dad...He wants to still be young when he has them. So he doesn't think he can have them and gets all sad about it TBH I don't want them at all.

Edited July 7, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Hopeful30]

28 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Hi. So as of last night, I am engaged to my bf of about 3 mo (talking for like 6). Don't ask. Anyway, the question I have is regarding his stance on children.  Early in our relationship he said he wasn't sure if he ever wanted kids. I don't care either way, but to be honest, leaning towards staying child free.

Recently, like within the last month, he has been bringing up the subject of kids often, Like how we would make attractive, smart kids and he would make a great dad. A couple weeks ago told me that for the first time in his life he is considering having kids with someone and how I would feel about it. I said sure, if it turns out that way, I would have a kid and agree he'd make an excellent dad. A few days ago, we were at a pool party and his friends started talking about their kids and he said to me when we were alone "I'm probably never going to have kids".  I said "you could have kids if you wanted" and he said "I better hurry up then. I'm 37. What am I going to be ? 40 years old with my first kid?"  I said why not.?He said he is worried about being an older dad.. This is not the first time he has mentioned being worried about waiting too long to have kids. I told him he  doesn't necessarily have to be a dad, he can have the freedom of being child free. He said "I'm fine either way" and I agreed that I feel the same way. T

he problem is that I am in school for 2 more years at least until I finish my program. It is not in my life plans to have kids soon.  It's just kind of mysterious to me why he brings up kids so often  and says he needs to start having them soon. Is  this just his way of saying he does not want kids and struggling with it? Thanks!!!

Sounds like he wants kids ASAP because he doesn't want to be an elder dad. He is teetering between wanting children and doubting if it's a good idea at his age. 

I agree with other posters, you should talk to him. If he genuinely wants kids and you don't, you should give him the opportunity to find someone who is on the same page (if it's not you).

Also, how old are you? I'm guessing you are younger as you don't seem to be concerned with your biological clock.

[JTSW]

16 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

So he doesn't think he can have them and gets all sad about it TBH I don't want them at all.

He wants them but wants them now before he's 40.

You don't want them and shouldn't have them just because someone else does.

If you feel that strongly about it then you need to be completely honest with him.

[d0nnivain]

You have to talk to him.  Being engaged after 3 mere months is already a problem.  Agreeing to marry without knowing EXACTLY how the other one feels about kids is the express lane to divorce.  

Please tell us you are having a LONG engagement . . .like you aren't getting married for at least a year after you finish your education  

[nospam99]

@cookies

1) Congratulations! :D

2) FWIW, I was 39 plus 5 months when my youngest were (twins) born. I have had no problem at all being an 'old dad', including waking up for the first few months to do 2-hour feedings and diaper changes. Things have changed a bit in recent years because of our respective work schedules. But we continued to hang out, socialize, and recreate (skiing and hiking) with each other into their early 20s, still do, just not as often.

[basil67]

Congratulations Cookie.   Given that you haven't known each other that long, I ordinarily would leave a bit more time before addressing it.  But as he's raising the issue frequently AND you're engaged, it needs to be talked about.   

If I were you, I'd have a proper sit down discussion about this over a nice meal and wine.   Start out by saying that you've noticed he's frequently been making contradicting statements about kids and you'd like to talk through what you both want because it's important to know what each other feels before marriage.  Bear in mind that it's entirely possible that he doesn't know what he wants, so part of the conversation may involve him talking about that too.   Likewise, you also seem a bit 'take it or leave it' and your thoughts need to be laid out too.  

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

 

Thank you. I am about 10 years younger. Anyway, I am fine with not having kids, so if he doesn't want them I feel we are compatible. The problem is if he wants them soon. I just cannot have them for a least the next few years. Wondering if anyone experienced this and how it panned out. He brings up children a lot and says he wants us to have a child some day. Then he says twice now he doesn't want to be an older dad...He wants to still be young when he has them. So he doesn't think he can have them and gets all sad about it TBH I don't want them at all.

Cookies....

Come on dude...

He is choosing a likely young fertile thing to bear his children.

You don't even want them.

But you're engaged?

Edited July 8, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Fresh_Start]

I feel like I just entered the Twilight Zone. 

Didn't you just make a thread at the start of last month about dating a homeless guy followed by a thread about dealing with dating anxiety and abandonment issues with multiple guys you were dating?   

[snowcones]

He wants kids now.

[Maldives]

One word 'compromise' 

There's a lot of advice about let em find the right one etc but lol that is so complex and not so easy in itself compromise is key 

[ShyViolet]

Talk to him.  Ask him these questions instead of asking us.  Do not rush into having kids just because he may want them.  You are engaged to a man who you've only been with for three months.... that was already a questionable decision and there's a higher probability that this relationship won't last, since you are rushing into major life decisions with a person you don't even really know that well.

[Backinthesaddleagain]

OMG cookies! Check yourself girl! You always give good advice, go back and reread your post until you come to your senses! Good lord woman...

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Fresh_Start said:

I feel like I just entered the Twilight Zone. 

Didn't you just make a thread at the start of last month about dating a homeless guy followed by a thread about dealing with dating anxiety and abandonment issues with multiple guys you were dating?   

This?

Where did this fiance come out of, Cookies? 

[Amanda141]

He sounds like he is in a hurry to have children, like "now or never". To be honest you don't seem very compatible, as I understand that due to your age and situation you aren't in a rush to get pregnant. Also, I know it's none of my business and I completely respect your decision, but to me it seems too soon being engaged after three months, considering that you also mentioned multi-dating on this forum. 

Before making any drastic decision get to know him better, and be sure you clarify your stance with him

Good luck cookies!  

[Miss Spider]

3 hours ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

OMG cookies! Check yourself girl! You always give good advice, go back and reread your post until you come to your senses! Good lord woman...

Thank you so much, everyone. Yes, we have really only been exclusive for about a month. When someone asked, he said we have been dating 3 months, so I went with it. But it’s a matter of perspective. I was multidating and we didn’t become official until a little less than a month ago. I know it is a bit weird how fast everything has moved, but sometimes it just happens that way. He suggested we elope right away, but we aren’t. It will be some time and it will also give time to get to know each other better, 

I talked with him about it tonight and he said he is fine with waiting to have children at the right time. He just doesn’t want to be super old when he has kids (his words). The thing that’s tricky is that he is contradicting a lot in comments he makes. When I ask him straightforward, I feel like he’s in that stage still where he just says stuff to appease me 

anyway, thank you guys so much again 
 

 

Edited July 8, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[elaine567]

Quote

Studies have shown that when paternal age is over 40, there might be a small increase in the risks of adverse pregnancy outcomes or risks to children's health, including:

Pregnancy loss. Advanced paternal age might be associated with a slightly higher risk of pregnancy loss before week 20 of pregnancy (miscarriage) or stillbirth.

Rare birth defects. Older paternal age might slightly increase the risk of certain rare birth defects, including defects in the development of the skull, limbs and heart.

Autism. Research shows a link between older paternal age and an increased frequency of autism spectrum disorder.

Schizophrenia. Studies suggest an older paternal age might increase the risk of the severe mental disorder schizophrenia and might be associated with earlier onset of schizophrenia symptoms.

Childhood acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Older paternal age might be associated with a slightly increased risk of childhood acute lymphoblastic leukemia, a cancer that results in abnormal white blood cell production.

 

He is correct that if he wants kids he needs to get on with it and not wait too long. 

Edited July 8, 2020 by elaine567

[nospam99]

[redacted]

IMO, unless it is something you are willing to give up, finish your training. I think you are young enough that you can both finish and still have the option of time for making lots of babies. I've already posted my own experience with respect to your fiance's concern about being an 'older dad'. Education and parenting are both decisions with lifetime consequences that require compromise. Sometimes, with a little flexibility, you can have your cake and eat it, too.

As far as the stated opinion of others who are doubtful about how rapidly this relationship matured, LOL. I hope you will forgive my observation that 'Cookies is being Cookies' by taking the traditional female prerogative to change her mind. You are a 'good person' who deserves happiness and other's wishes for her happiness.

Edited July 10, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Discussing other members

[balletomane]

Cookies, there are major concerns here. You've been with this man officially for "about a month". Yet exactly five weeks ago you created a thread about dating a homeless guy, which you opened with, "I know I said I wouldn't date again, but...I had a date this evening with this guy who made me think for the first time I could actually fall for someone." Within 24 hours you had recognised that this wasn't the guy for you, and within five weeks you're engaged to someone else, someone you were apparently dating at the same time (despite insisting that you weren't dating any more and the homeless guy was a special exception).

The picture that's emerging here is that you change your mind at the drop of a hat, and over major decisions too. Be careful. I think it would be helpful for you to go back over your posting history and take note of all the sudden changes and contradictions, to try and gain some insight into why this happens. This looks like a recipe for getting very hurt.

[Calmandfocused]

I too remember the thread about the homeless guy and the quick turn of events. I too would recommend that you proceed with caution. You don’t know this man and clearly you don’t know what you want either. Yes, sometimes things happen quickly, but this is not only quick, it’s erratic. You need to think this all through properly before you make any life changing commitments. 
 

In terms of his age, we’re talking about a man whose 37 here. He’s not 57.  I think some of his fears are unfounded but he feels how he feels. 
 

My ex husband was 45 when our first child was born and 47 when the second was born.  It’s not unheard of in the U.K. for men to become fathers for the first time at this age. 
 

There are lots of pros/ cons in to the younger versus older parent debate, however personally I think being an older parent trumps overall. Your more likely to have career/ financial security, more life experience and “Giving up your life” to take care of a child doesn’t seem so much of a sacrifice. 
 

Having a child at an older age does not mean that you are going to “struggle running around in the park” with them, nor does it mean that you will drop dead when they reach age 20. This comes down to fitness and looking after yourself rather than age. Some 20 somethings are very unfit. 
 

Men have a lot more flexibility in relation  to parental age, much more than women do. 
 

in summary; he’s got plenty of time. There is no rush. 
 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 8, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[Weezy1973]

It sounds like he’s on the fence about kids and so are you. I suspect if you’re still together once you complete your program, that would be a fine time to start considering it seriously.

 

Also possible that his push to get engaged  quickly (assuming he was the one to push it) is a symptom of mental health problems, namely severe anxiety, which would be consistent with worrying excessively about the future (kids) and being afraid of making the wrong choice.

Edited July 8, 2020 by Weezy1973

[Ami1uwant]

Giv n hiss get I think he regrets not having kids.  By dating someone younger he still has a chance.  By bringing this up he wanted to see how you feel.