is racism seen in dating?

[basil67]

@MissBee What examples can you give of where people are racist but don't realise it?

[MissBee]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@MissBee What examples can you give of where people are racist but don't realise it?

Fetishizing people because of their race and thinking it's a compliment.

[mortensorchid]

On 7/9/2020 at 3:08 AM, Lorenza said:

I never swipe right on black guys on Tinder - not attracted to them. Is that racist? First time I saw a black person alive was when I was 16, so maybe that affected my attractions? Although I have seen some really cute black guys and could see myself dating them, but that's rare. I usually find viking type blond guys attractive. Someone I knew claimed that's super racist, but I somehow don't feel like it is, because I don't think black guys are not good enough for me or anything, if I happened to fall in love with one so be it. What do you guys think? 

Know what's really sad?  If and when you make mention of the fact that you don't date outside your race and people get offended.  If you made a point of saying "yes I do date outside my race" you are boxing yourself into a corner of "those people" or "a certain type".  People assume things like they always do.

But I am with you on this point.  Even if my parents didn't teach me otherwise, I still would not be with a man of another race.  Why?  I don't find them attractive in "that way".  There have been one or two men of other races I have seen in my lifetime who I thought "oh he's cute" but it never went past that.  And when I meet men of other races, we're just automatic friends and nothing else.  If they think otherwise about me, they have never shared it.

[Ami1uwant]

50 minutes ago, MissBee said:

Fetishizing people because of their race and thinking it's a compliment.

Once they go black they never look back

 

[fred123]

I was just curious to what peoples thoughts were on this matter. its interesting to see peoples thoughts. Btw i was not a f*** buddy i was her boyfriend. 

My parents are african indian and libe in the UK. They and my culture have always said no blacks, muslims or white people to date. they only want us to date and marry our own. thats been the motto since day one and for many generations. racist? well i think so but you guys may classify that as a preference.

Taking this topic a bit furthur or in a different direction I want to mention or explain something about me and my ex gf which baffles me and makes no sense. hear me out fellow loveshackers.

So i understand the everyones answers about why she hid me etc and all valid. But can someone explain this because to me this is unexplainable:

My ex was a sports coach working for a company and when we first started to date she wanted me to share their new business idea ( a sports app) on my facebook etc. it was a sports app for coaches to use. I was more than happy to do so (cost nothing and takes no time) and I used to be very high level coach in that industry. So i shared it on my facebook and spoke to contacts I knew in that industry who would be interested in using it in their facilities. No problem for me helping when i can especially when i have good contacts in that industry.

I run and have been for many years an education teaching business, teaching children privately and had a website and a business facebook page. I had asked her also at the time to share my website and facebook page on her page. Instead of spending loads of money on google and facebook advertising ( which i did some) it was better to use people i know to recommend and share my posts/work. Other mothers had done so.

My ex had hundreds and hundreds of parents on her facebook page as she coaches children and her sharing my post on her page would have been amazing! unfortunately she just "liked" my facebook business page and refused to share it on her wall as she said " i dont really do that on my wall". hmm i thought.

Anyways a few months into dating and we are more official she still wouldnt share it on her page (which sucks as i would have got many inquiries from hundreds of parents she has in her contacts!)

A few months after we broke up her best friend set up a cake business and she shared her friends cake business pages on her wall!! 

I dont get why a friend wouldnt help u?!! has race, colour, shame, gor anything to do with this?!

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, fred123 said:

I was just curious to what peoples thoughts were on this matter. its interesting to see peoples thoughts. Btw i was not a f*** buddy i was her boyfriend. 

My parents are african indian and libe in the UK. They and my culture have always said no blacks, muslims or white people to date. they only want us to date and marry our own. thats been the motto since day one and for many generations. racist? well i think so but you guys may classify that as a preference.

Taking this topic a bit furthur or in a different direction I want to mention or explain something about me and my ex gf which baffles me and makes no sense. hear me out fellow loveshackers.

So i understand the everyones answers about why she hid me etc and all valid. But can someone explain this because to me this is unexplainable:

My ex was a sports coach working for a company and when we first started to date she wanted me to share their new business idea ( a sports app) on my facebook etc. it was a sports app for coaches to use. I was more than happy to do so (cost nothing and takes no time) and I used to be very high level coach in that industry. So i shared it on my facebook and spoke to contacts I knew in that industry who would be interested in using it in their facilities. No problem for me helping when i can especially when i have good contacts in that industry.

I run and have been for many years an education teaching business, teaching children privately and had a website and a business facebook page. I had asked her also at the time to share my website and facebook page on her page. Instead of spending loads of money on google and facebook advertising ( which i did some) it was better to use people i know to recommend and share my posts/work. Other mothers had done so.

My ex had hundreds and hundreds of parents on her facebook page as she coaches children and her sharing my post on her page would have been amazing! unfortunately she just "liked" my facebook business page and refused to share it on her wall as she said " i dont really do that on my wall". hmm i thought.

Anyways a few months into dating and we are more official she still wouldnt share it on her page (which sucks as i would have got many inquiries from hundreds of parents she has in her contacts!)

A few months after we broke up her best friend set up a cake business and she shared her friends cake business pages on her wall!! 

I dont get why a friend wouldnt help u?!! has race, colour, shame, gor anything to do with this?!

Why does this have to be about color? She knew those parents, maybe they didn't want advertising to be pushed at them, maybe it would have harmed her reputation.

Or maybe she did not believe in your business but didn't want to outright say so. 

Or maybe she didn't want you to start going "yeah, that's on my girlfriend's page all over FB since obviously she did not consider you two to be dating.

WHY did you keep sleeping with this girl if you thought she was racist? Why do you refuse to answer that question?

And how were you not a FB of She was sleeping with you but otherwise making sure you weren't part of normal boyfriend/girlfriend things?

If we were to say, oh yes, definitely this girl was a racist and we know it without ever having met her, but yes, sure, you’re right, what would that change for you? What are you hoping people here will say and why? 

Are you trying to hate her because she’d getting married and you’re hurt? Honest question. 

 

Edited July 11, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Emilie Jolie]

9 hours ago, fred123 said:

racist? well i think so but you guys may classify that as a preference.

I really don't get the concept of 'preference' as far as race and attraction myself either way even on an individual level, but what you're describing is cultural, not individual. I wouldn't class that as a preference, more a self-preservation thing; I guess to some people 'race' is like a private club. Exclusive doesn't mean racist or prejudiced necessarily, though. To each their own, as they say. 

9 hours ago, fred123 said:

I dont get why a friend wouldnt help u?!! has race, colour, shame, gor anything to do with this?!

She seemingly held you in no regard, Fred; she used you for what was beneficial to her (sex and some networking, apparently) and that's it.

The big picture is that she didn't want to draw public attention to your relationship, which I agree with you is very problematic, whatever the reason. She didn't have the good grace to give you a satisfying explanation as to why she wanted to hide your relationship, and I can see why the thought she may have been embarrassed by being seen with you is hurtful.

There may have been an element of racial prejudice from her or her family, or there may not. You won't know for sure, so best to draw a line in the sand on this and look at her as someone you were incompatible with as an individual.

In short, you were more invested than she was; sorry, Fred.

 

Edited July 11, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[Bantosm]

18 hours ago, basil67 said:

Sorry, I misread it.  Do the they avoid their own race because they hold prejudicial views or is it just about attraction?

I don't know. I find it odd and think it's a form of racism even if is it against their own race.

[Ami1uwant]

19 hours ago, fred123 said:

I was just curious to what peoples thoughts were on this matter. its interesting to see peoples thoughts. Btw i was not a f*** buddy i was her boyfriend. 

My parents are african indian and libe in the UK. They and my culture have always said no blacks, muslims or white people to date. they only want us to date and marry our own. thats been the motto since day one and for many generations. racist? well i think so but you guys may classify that as a preference.

Taking this topic a bit furthur or in a different direction I want to mention or explain something about me and my ex gf which baffles me and makes no sense. hear me out fellow loveshackers.

So i understand the everyones answers about why she hid me etc and all valid. But can someone explain this because to me this is unexplainable:

My ex was a sports coach working for a company and when we first started to date she wanted me to share their new business idea ( a sports app) on my facebook etc. it was a sports app for coaches to use. I was more than happy to do so (cost nothing and takes no time) and I used to be very high level coach in that industry. So i shared it on my facebook and spoke to contacts I knew in that industry who would be interested in using it in their facilities. No problem for me helping when i can especially when i have good contacts in that industry.

I run and have been for many years an education teaching business, teaching children privately and had a website and a business facebook page. I had asked her also at the time to share my website and facebook page on her page. Instead of spending loads of money on google and facebook advertising ( which i did some) it was better to use people i know to recommend and share my posts/work. Other mothers had done so.

My ex had hundreds and hundreds of parents on her facebook page as she coaches children and her sharing my post on her page would have been amazing! unfortunately she just "liked" my facebook business page and refused to share it on her wall as she said " i dont really do that on my wall". hmm i thought.

Anyways a few months into dating and we are more official she still wouldnt share it on her page (which sucks as i would have got many inquiries from hundreds of parents she has in her contacts!)

A few months after we broke up her best friend set up a cake business and she shared her friends cake business pages on her wall!! 

I dont get why a friend wouldnt help u?!! has race, colour, shame, gor anything to do with this?!

 

 

As as I mentioned before...it’s common with immigrant families when they live in an area with many other fellow similar immigrants from the same area the tend to want to kkep culture and traditions and that means marrying within.  I know and seen this first hand where my grand grand parents on my fathers side weren’t born in the USA but came here as little kids.  My ex gf was similar ehere she was born in South America and came with her family as a teenager.  There was pressure to marry eithin the family of peop,e from the same country and/ or religion. There was talk of possible returning to their homeland before they would die.

Religion is a big factor in life if you plan on sharing a home and parenting with. There could be very different norms and traditions in child raising that will cause conflict.  Looking at this is very different if you look st someone as fun to date vs ltr or marriage with.  This can drive decision making in a current dating which causes break up.

 

had she broke up with you if you shared the same values and religion and goals in life but were different races then the race argument holds more.

 

when it comes to social media or meeting family and close friends...I would not do that with someone I was casually dating.  If we advanced to be a serious relationship then I would do that.she may have viewed you as casual.  Had you two just bern friends and no relationship then she may have bern more free on sharing your business...especially since you shared hers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

On 7/10/2020 at 8:26 PM, fred123 said:

 But can someone explain this because to me this is unexplainable

Fred, let it go. You broke up something like 2 years ago. I can't beleive you are still trying to find answers. Accept there are no answers. She was using you, and to do so she made you beleive you were a bf. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Fred, let it go. You broke up something like 2 years ago. I can't beleive you are still trying to find answers. Accept there are no answers. She was using you, and to do so she made you beleive you were a bf. 

Four years ago, I think....and....this. ^ She wanted sex from you, Fred. You say she also had "white" FBs. Obviously she wasn't basing her fun on culture or race.

You claim those other guys were FBs but you were a boyfriend...however, a. you don't know they weren't thinking exactly the same thing about themselves and b. a person having sex with someone else but not bonding with the person's friends or family, and not being mentioned to friends or SM as a boyfriend, and not being seen around with hand-in-hand, is....well, a FB.

The whole FB is rarely a cut-and-dried, even-keeled transaction. Often, one will catch feelings. Sometimes, the person already had feelings but was hoping after enough sex it would grow into something more. Sometimes the one who doesn't have emotional feelings knows he or she needs to say or do or hint little things in order for the sex to happen. You hear this all the time. We have this right this second on this board: "But she ACTS like a 'girlfriend'...when we're together." And we just had a woman saying the same thing. The "nah" thread. "But when we're together he acts like he cares..." Yeah. Because that's what the person instinctively picks up on that you need. And maybe even because you're nice to hang out with, cuddle with. ..but you're just not "the one."

I know that sounds cold and it doesn't mean there are no feelings at all but if "enough" feelings aren't there...then they aren't. And the non-emotionally attached person can find the other person hard to give up. For a while. Because maybe they do get along on certain levels, maybe the boxes are mostly checked off and yet...but...it's just not a love match.

You are in pain because you just found out this woman is getting married. So you want to demonize her in order to feel vindicated. That pain is real. But you don't need to turn her into a racist horror in your mind in order to realize it would never have worked out. She wanted to get serious with a person from her culture. That's who she identifies with, probably grew up being comfortable with, wants to raise kids with. That wasn't you. It wasn't those other "white guys," either. It's nothing either you or they could have changed.