d0nnivain Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 Wow. Some people have awfully negative views of basic kindnesses. That is so sad 5
poppyfields Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 (edited) On 7/7/2020 at 1:29 PM, Missy Love said: The only thing is that he seems to be very friendly towards everyone - giving people hugs, offering favors, and compliments. I've even introduced him to co-workers, and he's offered up favors and hugs for them, even though it was his first time meeting them. I'm sorry but this is way over the top and frankly if my co-worker's or friend's bf, upon the first time meeting me, began hugging me, and started shooting off compliments, offering favors, I would be extremely put off!! It's one thing being friendly to people, wanting to help out and complimenting friends and loved ones, but good gawd, offering hugs and favors to those you just met, goes way beyond being kind, or anything considered appropriate behaviour imo. Even if he didn't have a gf, it would be inappropriate. He needs to learn proper boundaries. Edited July 22, 2020 by poppyfields
ExpatInItaly Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 Does he do this with men and women, or just women? Sometimes it's simply extroversion. Other times, it's a need to be liked. And yes, it can sometimes be flirtation. All you can do, OP, is decide where your boundaries are and figure out if this guy is a match for you.
kendahke Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 On 7/7/2020 at 5:45 PM, Missy Love said: I guess it isn’t inappropriate, but for me, feels not necessary. Like going out of his way for people. It’s mainly women that I get sensitive about - like if he tells another woman she looks nice or pulls out a chair for her or something. It’s never meant to hurt me, but I still feel bothered when he is giving other women kind attention. He's being polite instead of a Phillistine. You and he are not a match. Cut your losses and find someone else who wasn't raised with manners. 2 1
Gaeta Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 On 7/7/2020 at 4:29 PM, Missy Love said: The only thing is that he seems to be very friendly towards everyone - giving people hugs, offering favors, and compliments. Give us a concrete example. I really don't see so far what's inappropriate. You introduce him to your cousin, he gives her a hug, tells her she looks nice in pink and offer to carry her suitcase inside.
poppyfields Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Give us a concrete example. I really don't see so far what's inappropriate. You introduce him to your cousin, he gives her a hug, tells her she looks nice in pink and offer to carry her suitcase inside. Missy said he behaves this way even with strangers, those he has never met before. I dunno, I'd be put off by that, especially being hugged by a stranger, hugs are saved for friends, family, loved ones. At least for me they are. To each his own though, could be a cultural thing. Edited July 22, 2020 by poppyfields
Gaeta Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 (edited) poppyfields: Strangers to him but not to her. Like if she introduces him to her cousin, the cousin is a stranger to him but not to OP. I also asked OP if he was from a different culture, in my culture we hug and kiss everyone introduced to us. We need more details what she calls compliments, favors and strangers. Edited July 22, 2020 by Gaeta 1 2
poppyfields Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: poppyfields: Strangers to him but not to her. Like if she introduces him to her cousin, the cousin is a stranger to him but not to OP. I also asked OP if he was from a different culture, in my culture we hug and kiss everyone introduced to us. We need more details what she calls compliments, favors and strangers. Fair enough and agree more clarification is needed.
d0nnivain Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 Hugging true strangers hello is a bit much. Hugging somebody important to your SO hello is understandable even on 1st meeting. I'm not a fan of that greeting but it's socially acceptable.
kendahke Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 Is he a musician? When I used to play music out and about in LA 30 years ago, one thing I noticed was how huggy musicians were... didn't mean they wanted a girlfriend or to wife me up next week--it was how they were.
Backinthesaddleagain Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 36 minutes ago, kendahke said: Is he a musician? When I used to play music out and about in LA 30 years ago, one thing I noticed was how huggy musicians were... didn't mean they wanted a girlfriend or to wife me up next week--it was how they were. Being a musician is like being a server, bartender, dancer, or anyone else in a hospitality job. You have to come off as warm and friendly if you want to make money and be popular. I've met a lot of nasty service & entertainment workers, and wouldn't you know it? They all sucked and made crap money. I'll keep playing my guitar and hugging people, sorry prudes! 1
kendahke Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 56 minutes ago, kendahke said: I noticed was how huggy musicians were... should have clarified this: WITH ONE ANOTHER, not patrons unless they knew them already.
Author Missy Love Posted July 23, 2020 Author Posted July 23, 2020 (edited) Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Not going up and hugging strangers, but striking up a convo with strangers, and hugging co-workers of mine the first time meeting. I would like a partner who is kind and who has manners. Sometimes it is being more forward than that though. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong by any means. He is attentive to me too, and I see he is like that with everyone. A friendly, outgoing person is great, and now I need to decide if it is something I can handle in a partner. Seems some feel it is fine and some feel it’s too forward, so there is no one size fits all. Edited July 23, 2020 by Missy Love
Gaeta Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 I don't see what's wrong in striking up a conversation with a stranger! I do this all the time while waiting in line somewhere, in elevators, at the gas station! I had some really funny moments with complete strangers waiting in line at Walmart. Are you sure you're not looking for bugs here? I don't know, to me that's all wonderful qualities, sounds like he loves people that's all. Maybe you live in a world where it's preferable to keep to yourself and all this is unacceptable, you've only started dating him lately so nothing lost, let him go. He will eventually find himself a woman that will fully embrace his love for life and people. 1
kendahke Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 (edited) 19 hours ago, Missy Love said: now I need to decide if it is something I can handle in a partner. You can't, else this thread wouldn't be here. What you want is to make him change out of being who he fundamentally is---someone who is demonstratively kind to other women---and that's like getting you to change who you fundamentally are--someone who can't tolerate him being demonstratively kind to other women. He's not the one for you at least for a romantic partner. Perhaps a good friend, but not your boyfriend. Edited July 24, 2020 by kendahke 1
Art.at.Heart Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 Am I the only one that didn't get the impression that OP was saying she wanted someone mean, cold, and unfriendly? I took it as her saying she values having a relationship where there is a discernible difference between how her SO treats her vs other women. However, I have to agree with kendahke. Unless you can change yourself, this is only going to get worse and build resentment. He is who he is and you are who you are. You may just be more compatible with someone a little further away from the extroverted side of the spectrum. 1
Author Missy Love Posted July 28, 2020 Author Posted July 28, 2020 We had a conversation, and he explained that he was being overly friendly because he wanted to make a good impression on the people I’ve introduced him to, but he will take things down a notch. 2
mortensorchid Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 On 7/22/2020 at 1:51 PM, d0nnivain said: Wow. Some people have awfully negative views of basic kindnesses. That is so sad You know what's really strange? I have noticed that about people as well. There are/were times in the past when I thought that I was supposed to be a good person and try to include others in things, be helpful, etc. But after much trial and error, I find that others tend to be very wary or even jealous of others. For example, I remember back when I was in high school this gal said to me once "You know what your problem is? You're too nice." I said "I'm sorry", she said "You're doing it again." Needless to say, our relationship didn't pan out. What can I say? Life is complicated is all. I have also noticed that when I introduce some people to other friends/acquaintances (as in a new bf), they tend to back off from them. I am not a people person with those I work with, but I tended to be in my social life. You almost can't go anywhere without running into someone I know. How do they act when they see this? Jealous, I think. Are you jealous of him because he's friendly and seems to be very popular? And when I say "popular" I am not talking about someone like the captain of the football team, head cheerleader, student body president, etc. A person like that does fall into the definition of "popular", but a popular person is someone with a lot of friends / acquaintance, has many interests, is always going places to do new things, etc. Are you jealous of this fact? If so, that's too bad because he's not going to change and neither are you. 1
nibelheim89 Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 I say this as a guy who grew up in a working class Scottish family so my opinion is probably skewed on this, however for me it is really strange behaviour for a guy.
IHaveAnswers Posted August 4, 2020 Posted August 4, 2020 A woman wants to feel special to her guy. If he treats you and everyone else exactly the same, there is nothing that sets you apart from anyone else. You don't feel special. You don't feel important to him. You feel like you are just anybody. With that in mind, I suggest you dump him. He may be a nice guy and all that, but he is NOT the right guy for YOU. And that is all that counts.
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