Missy Love Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 I've recently been dating someone, who I think is a catch of a person. We are exclusive, and he is kind, treats me very well. The only thing is that he seems to be very friendly towards everyone - giving people hugs, offering favors, and compliments. I know none of it is meant to be insulting towards me, but I can't help but feel a little slighted when he does this kind of stuff for everyone. I guess it makes me feel that I am not special to him, but just another person to him. He reassures me that is not the case, but I feel that he doesn't have boundaries with others even though he is dating someone. I've even introduced him to co-workers, and he's offered up favors and hugs for them, even though it was his first time meeting them. He's told people they look nice in front of me, and it was never meant to be in a romantic way, just a compliment. It's not a problem for me that he is nice, but I think what is is that he is just so nice to everyone, and sometimes makes me think that I am not anything special to him. We've talked about it a little, but I think this is just who he is. I still can't help but feel bothered by some of the stuff that he does and feel perhaps the problem is with me. Any advice?
central Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 Unless he's actually inappropriate with other women, I wouldn't be concerned. He sounds like a people person, seems genuinely warm and kind, and probably wants to be liked. Compliments help make friends, and shows he notices things about others that they may have made an effort to accomplish. You probably are very special to him, but it's deeper than these superficial behaviors. If he does NOT treat you the same (or better), then there would be a problem. 2
JTSW Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 Is he inappropriately nice to people? What exactly is the problem If there is nothing inappropriate about his niceness then I suggest you accept it before you push a good guy away.
Author Missy Love Posted July 7, 2020 Author Posted July 7, 2020 Late 20s, and I guess it isn’t inappropriate, but for me, feels not necessary. Like going out of his way for people. It’s mainly women that I get sensitive about - like if he tells another woman she looks nice or pulls out a chair for her or something. It’s never meant to hurt me, but I still feel bothered when he is giving other women kind attention.
Hopeful30 Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 1 hour ago, Missy Love said: I've recently been dating someone, who I think is a catch of a person. We are exclusive, and he is kind, treats me very well. The only thing is that he seems to be very friendly towards everyone - giving people hugs, offering favors, and compliments. I know none of it is meant to be insulting towards me, but I can't help but feel a little slighted when he does this kind of stuff for everyone. I guess it makes me feel that I am not special to him, but just another person to him. He reassures me that is not the case, but I feel that he doesn't have boundaries with others even though he is dating someone. I've even introduced him to co-workers, and he's offered up favors and hugs for them, even though it was his first time meeting them. He's told people they look nice in front of me, and it was never meant to be in a romantic way, just a compliment. It's not a problem for me that he is nice, but I think what is is that he is just so nice to everyone, and sometimes makes me think that I am not anything special to him. We've talked about it a little, but I think this is just who he is. I still can't help but feel bothered by some of the stuff that he does and feel perhaps the problem is with me. Any advice? This is who he is. The issue here is your insecurity and desire for validation (to feel unique and special). I am your man in this scenario. I'm friendly and talk to everyone. I know all my neighbours, people who work at the shops/stores where I go, family members of friends. It's a personality type, and should be praised. It's hard to find people who are genuinely kind. 6
Ruby Slippers Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 12 minutes ago, Missy Love said: It’s mainly women that I get sensitive about - like if he tells another woman she looks nice or pulls out a chair for her or something. It’s never meant to hurt me, but I still feel bothered when he is giving other women kind attention. Tell him this. I was dating a guy a couple years ago who was super outgoing and friendly with everybody. That was great, but I didn't like the way he used pet names with other women out and about. I told him I wanted those pet names to be reserved for me, as it makes it more special. Then he never called anyone else "sweetie" or "honey" or whatever again. 1
JTSW Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 26 minutes ago, Missy Love said: It’s never meant to hurt me, but I still feel bothered when he is giving other women kind attention. So this is about your insecurities. He is a good kind chivalrous man. Rare to find these days. Work on these insecurities before you push him away. 5
Backinthesaddleagain Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 29 minutes ago, Missy Love said: Late 20s, and I guess it isn’t inappropriate, but for me, feels not necessary. Like going out of his way for people. It’s mainly women that I get sensitive about - like if he tells another woman she looks nice or pulls out a chair for her or something. It’s never meant to hurt me, but I still feel bothered when he is giving other women kind attention. I do these small kinds of things, always opening doors (for men and women), saying bless you after a sneeze, etc. I have been with a couple of girls who didn't like it. They ended up having lots of insecurity and jealousy issues... As far as complimenting a woman's appearance, it really depends on who it is and what the circumstance/context is. I wouldn't do this in front of my partner with just any random woman. It is disrespectful and shows lack of empathy/regard for their feelings, regardless how innocent the motive is. You can be nice and super polite without bringing up looks. Family members and friends are excluded from this, but if he compliments strange women out of the blue I would run as that would signal that he is an attention whore. I would suggest talking to him about it and maybe he will tone it down for you. Or you just might not be compatible. Or, he is a serial killer and can't help but be creepy with everyone he meets. Good luck
Author Missy Love Posted July 7, 2020 Author Posted July 7, 2020 (edited) I think it’s a mix of my insecurities and that he goes out of his way to be nice. I don’t want him to be rude, but would prefer the person I am romantically involved with doesn’t give other women special attention. I agree kindness is important, but also feel there are some things to be more considerate of when it comes to other women when you are a straight male in an exclusive relationship with a woman. Not sure where to draw the line from being nice to being overly attentive. We have talked about it, and he does tone things down, but because it’s who he is, things continue to happen because he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. Edited July 7, 2020 by Missy Love
Mrin Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 (edited) I'm your guy in this tale. It is just my nature. Trying to get me to change would be like telling an introvert to be more outgoing in crowds. Two thoughts: 1. It never occurred to me that my actions would make my woman feel like you do. I can guarantee it hasn't occurred to him either. Consider talking to him about it. 2. Another way to look at it is everyone else (including women) think he's a rare find (see other posters above). And he's yours. Damn. Good on ya! You must be one Hell of a woman to be that man's only object of desire. When I am dating a beautiful women I actually welcome men checking her out (as long as it is done tastefully) for the same reasons at #2 above. Eat your heart out fellas... Edited July 8, 2020 by Mrin 1
poppyfields Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 (edited) OP, your bf sounds like a people pleaser who seeks approval from others, even strangers. It's one thing to be outgoing and extroverted, but when someone goes overboard with the hugging, compliments, offering favors, etc, even with mere strangers the first time meeting, I think we're talking about something else. And introverts can be approval seekers as well. @Mrin, no disrespect to you at all mate! I think it's great you're so personable and nice, but do you do all that? For those you've just met? Hugging, offering favors? Frankly, if me, I'd be a bit put off by it, but I'm weird so don't mind me. If so, have you thought about why you do this? Do you think on some level you are seeking others' approval? Even subconsciously? Not accusing, just asking. Missy, this is who he is. Take him as is, or leave. This is why we date, to determine if someone is a good fit for us. Doesn't sound like he is, for you. Edited July 8, 2020 by poppyfields 2
smackie9 Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 You are dating the wrong guy because his personality isn't jiving with you. You are incompatible. You shouldn't have to change how you feel just to be with him and he should have to change his behavior. I'm really shocked you would even complain about this to him TBH if he is just an outgoing nice guy. I had an ex that thought the same as you...it didn't last between us.
Mystery4u Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 (edited) This is YOUR problem with YOUR feelings and YOUR insecurities that YOU need to solve. Nothing to do with him, he has done nothing wrong, it's who he is. Either accept him how he is or you will lose him. Edited July 8, 2020 by Mystery4u 1
Acacia98 Posted July 8, 2020 Posted July 8, 2020 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: It's one thing to be outgoing and extroverted, but when someone goes overboard with the hugging, compliments, offering favors, etc, even with mere strangers the first time meeting, I think we're talking about something else. I dated someone who used to do exactly that. Everyone was his best friend, even people he'd just met. It sure was something else. Basically, he spread himself so thin that he didn't have time to take care of himself or even for our relationship. Long story short, it didn't work out. But I definitely didn't try asking him to change.
Author Missy Love Posted July 8, 2020 Author Posted July 8, 2020 I see that I am part of the problem, and so how do I not be bothered by it. I can’t help that it does and wish that it didn’t.
d0nnivain Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 He's dating you, not them. By definition you are more special then people he is just nice to. Deal with it by reminding yourself that you are dating one of the good ones. Learn to be more like him. Don't make him change. Pulling him back / reigning him in, diminishes the goodness in the world at a time when we need it to flourish. 1
Gaeta Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 Are you of the same culture? Does he give YOU as much compliments? In my boyfriend's culture they compliment and help a lot. He will compliment my female co-workers, my lady neighbor, or a sister-in-law and I don't even think twice about it. He does it in a gentleman way. He covers my mother in compliments and it makes her giggles, it's cute. I like the way he makes people feel special. Maybe it doesn't bother me because he gives me as much attention....if he gave others attention and not as much to me then I would mind it. 1
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 This feeling that you are having, is one that most men deal with when they bring their women to a bar. Welcome to the "I'll borderline grope people and if you call me out, then you are the problem" club. On a serious note though, the reason we set boundaries, is to find out if people respect us enough to follow them. If you attempt to set the boundary and he does not respect it (It sounds like this is the case) how far is he willing to go when he is unchecked? People that display a lack of boundaries, often have a cumulative lack of boundaries... What I mean is that once you follow a boundary or have a boundary set for you, that you respect, you begin to see boundaries all around you, you become more aware... Like wise, when boundaries dissolve, you start taking less notice of them entirely and/or, try to find ways around them.
elaine567 Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 On 7/8/2020 at 6:05 PM, Acacia98 said: Basically, he spread himself so thin that he didn't have time to take care of himself or even for our relationship. This^^^ I see as the problem you face, not only is he everybody's friend, he has a super-close female friend group too.
d0nnivain Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 Asking somebody to give up life long friendships for you, the new person, is not right either. Yes, the SO should be primary but that doesn't mean all pre-existing friendships have to end. 1
Lorenza Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 I was with someone like that for 4 years. He was super nice to everyone, other women in particular. I was anxious and jealous allll the time. We broke up 6 years ago. Now he's into polyamory. Apparantely I wasn't so crazy after all. 4
Uptown182 Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 On 7/7/2020 at 6:50 PM, Missy Love said: I think it’s a mix of my insecurities and that he goes out of his way to be nice. I don’t want him to be rude, but would prefer the person I am romantically involved with doesn’t give other women special attention. I agree kindness is important, but also feel there are some things to be more considerate of when it comes to other women when you are a straight male in an exclusive relationship with a woman. Not sure where to draw the line from being nice to being overly attentive. We have talked about it, and he does tone things down, but because it’s who he is, things continue to happen because he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. I know a married couple where the husband is this way, I remember his wife talking to me about it and she said it used to bother her a lot when they first started dating but then she came to terms with the fact that that’s just who he is. They’re very happily married for about 15 years now and have two beautiful children. There’s no question he adores her, but he is very chivalrous and always tells other women how nice they look (including me) and I’ve never taken it as anything more than him just being a gentleman.
d0nnivain Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 (edited) My EX was super friendly & super flirty. Women especially asked me all the time why I put up with it. I explained that he was extremely loyal & wouldn't behave any differently behind my back then in front of my face. I trusted him. In fact if some woman took his flirting too seriously, he'd come & hide behind me to make the temptation go away. He had firm boundaries. Maybe he & I drew them more broadly then many people but we both knew where they were & those lines did not get crossed. He also had this pet name he called many women mostly because he couldn't remember their names. It was a fairly unusual nickname & most women thought it was unique them. I realized early on that it was more akin to "buddy" or "honey" not special at all. We were having a party & he asked me to do something using that term of endearment. Half the women at the party responded to him but I didn't. It was very awkward when they all realized he called most women by that nickname. Whoops. Edited July 22, 2020 by d0nnivain
Lotsgoingon Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 On 7/7/2020 at 5:45 PM, Missy Love said: Late 20s, and I guess it isn’t inappropriate, but for me, feels not necessary. Like going out of his way for people. It’s mainly women that I get sensitive about - like if he tells another woman she looks nice or pulls out a chair for her or something. It’s never meant to hurt me, but I still feel bothered when he is giving other women kind attention. Your instincts are right on here. One of the qualities of a good partner is the ability to say no, to throw up some special space around the relationship so they can indeed prioritize the relationship. This guy sounds like a politician. Sounds like a people-pleaser. Run. Run fast. You'll be in the hospital one day or need him to run an urgent errand and guess what? ... he won't be able to say no to others and focus on you. Get out! I had a relative like this ... He could be super friendly to everyone ... to the point of annoyance ... and then ... it would later be clear that he really felt good about all those people he was spending all kinds of energy being friendly with. Doing what your bf is doing is also a way to avoid thinking about his own life, building his own life.
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