I need all the help and advice I can get

[darkknight]

Hi Guys,

 

Loving your work and feeling all of your pain. I have been reading the forum on coping for quiet sometime but I haven't got involved in an active way.

 

Now I feel I must share my story with some people who have a little distance. I need the help of the mighty love shack.

 

Ok - deep breath - here goes :eek:

 

Last October I met this gorgeous girl it was love at first sight literally! We started a relationship and everything was VERY fully on. On the first night that we met she told me that one of her previous boyfriends had died. A couple of days later she told me that her nephew had died 11 months ago.

 

I took her to exclusive restarants and very exclusive hotels across Europe. Everything was great and within 4 months we were talking about children and our lives together, I know WAY too soon but when your in it like I was it was fun and exciting, and she was very beautiful and seemed really nice.

 

Anyway things started to get weird, firstly I never went to her house, she lived about 10 miles away from me and if I ever suggested going to her place then she would come up with a number of reasons why she didn't want me to go and she would meet me elsewhere or come over to mine. The reasons ranged from her previous boyfriend used to come around when they broke up and bother her to that was the house that she with her ex-hubby and she didn't feel comfortable with me coming over.

 

Things got worse and we started to argue. Pressure was definitely mounting. We ended up breaking up after a very heated argument in March of this year. I was heart broken even though it wasn't perfect at that time I thought she was a great girl and I wanted to look after her.

 

We started talking again and she said she wanted to really try again. I really went for the idea. Anyway on the saturday she came round to mine after attending a party, very drunk. Anyway she was acting very strangely, and she fell asleep in my bed with her mobile under her pillow in her hand. Ten minutes later while she was asleep she received a text (vibration) at 2AM. I am ashamed to say I checked the phone and it was from her ex b/f asking her if she had just got home. I was really shocked and angry and I checked the rest of the phone. She had received other texts from the guy and had called and received calls from him. The next morning I confronted her and she insisted that obviously the text was not for her and that the other communication was about a new mortgage for him (she is a bank manager). I told her that if that was true then I would only be comfortable if she texted him and told him not to contact her again. She refused and we broke up that morning.

 

Anyhow, she kept contacting me and saying that she was confused. She said that I was everything for her and that she just couldn't get the fact that I didn't trust her out of her head. She didn't know if we should be together.

 

10 days after we broke up my friends saw her out at a club with another guy. Yeah I meant everything to her When I asked her about it she said she had just met him for drinks a few times and he was a friend.

 

She kept getting in touch, getting really mad if I didn't answer her calls and backing off if I told her how I felt. That I really loved her and I wanted us to try again. We would meet she would come and then be cold if I try to kiss her.

 

This has been going on with her for months now. Hot and cold with her now constantly blaming me for EVERYTHING. She won't say she loves me and she won't commit to re-entering the relationship.

 

What I would like some advice on is the following:

 

1: Why is she staying in touch? Why is she doing this, why doesn't she leave me alone.

 

2: How do I deal with this situation if I want to get her back. Do I back off - if I do she gives me a really hard time. Do I talk about it - if I do she refuses of says I am coming on too seriously.

 

3: Do these kind of dysfunctional relationships really ever work out? Or am I really just wasting my time.

 

4: If we decide together that this isn't going to work how do I deal with the situation to make myself happy again.

 

Ok there it is I am sorry I haven't described my situation very well but it is very upsetting. Come on Love Shackers help me please

 

I love this girl very much and I would be very happy to go back out with her again.

[legrtova]

1: Why is she staying in touch? Why is she doing this, why doesn't she leave me alone.

Either she likes your lifestyle and money a lot, or she is trying to stay in control over you...she is making sure she has a 'backup' if she needs it.

 

2: How do I deal with this situation if I want to get her back. Do I back off - if I do she gives me a really hard time. Do I talk about it - if I do she refuses of says I am coming on too seriously.

 

I would dump her, you seem like a great guy and deserve better than that!

 

3: Do these kind of dysfunctional relationships really ever work it out? Or am I really just wasting my time.

I think you wanted to work out (for whatever reason). Try to give your self some time alone without talking to her...you will see if you really want to be with HER, or if you want to be with SOMEBODY

 

4: If we decide together that this isn't going to work how do I deal with the situation to make myself happy again.

Coping, dealing, healing Join the club! We will be here for you

 

 

I love this girl very much and I would be very happy to go back out with her again.

What is it about her you love? (not judging, but you haven't said anything...just curious)

[slubberdegullion]

1: Why is she staying in touch? Why is she doing this, why doesn't she leave me alone.

It looks to me, from what you've posted here, that she's keeping her options open. You may be the "fall back" fellow.

2: How do I deal with this situation if I want to get her back. Do I back off - if I do she gives me a really hard time. Do I talk about it - if I do she refuses of says I am coming on too seriously.

No matter which way you play it, she'll probably give you grief. My advice would be to back off entirely. Completely NC (no contact) her. Don't take her calls, don't respond to her emails, etc. So what if she gives you a hard time, especially if you're second banana?

3: Do these kind of dysfunctional relationships really ever work out? Or am I really just wasting my time.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Depends on the couple and the situation. There's no blanket answer.

4: If we decide together that this isn't going to work how do I deal with the situation to make myself happy again.

That's simply a healing process that will take time. Happiness, like love, is a decision too.

 

Good luck.

[slubberdegullion]

Looks like legrtova and I posted at almost exactly the same time. I had no idea legrtova would give essentially the same advice.

[legrtova]

We must be right then

Just kidding. There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to relationships...but people on the outside sometime see the obvious that people cannot see from the eye of the hurricane.

[darkknight]

I think I should give some more honest history of myself........but I DON'T want to sound like I'm moaning....

 

I was married 5 years ago, after 6 weeks on 9/11!!!!!! my wife was rushed to hospital with an ectopic pregnancy. On Christmas Eve she was operated on again for another ectopic pregnancy and almost died. After this our young marriage struggled. Finally after 2 years of trying to work through things she left saying she was just too sad. We completed our divorce in May of this year.

 

For a couple of years after we separated I just played the field nothing serious and no promises to anyone. I was just trying to forget the pain. when I met the new girl I think that I was attracted to the great looks and also to the vunerability. I am a sucker for a damsel in distress. Crickey I just want to make someone happy and look after that one special person.

[darkknight]

Mmmmmm I sounded like a darkknight there don't you thing!!!!!!lol

[legrtova]

Pick a better girl who deserves your kindness....seriously.

Just my 2cents...

 

Loneliness sucks, but she doesn't sound like she truly cares for you.

 

P.S. Btw moan all you want...we all do. It helps and we don't mind!!!

And you are not btw....

[darkknight]

yes all of my friends say the same thing. I know that your friends not liking a girl is a big sign!

 

I think that maybe the hurt in her life has blinded me to the fact that she is selfish.

 

But I'm a worker and I believe that one has to work for the better things in life. I've always believed that!!!

 

I just need to understand from all of those love shackers WHY oh WHY a person would keep perpetuating the pain for someone they once loved! Believe me I have finished with some girls in my time but I have always had enough RESPECT for them to leave them to get on with their life. And all of the girls who have finished with me before this have extended me the same courtesy. Why is this girl continuing to do this. I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO HEAR FROM SOME OF THE WOMEN ON THIS SITE WHO HAVE UNDERTAKEN THIS PUSH ME PULL U GAME. I don't believe in people being evil or bad some are just lost and some are just complicated. BUT SERIOUSLY WHY DO SOME PEOPLE PURSUE THIS COURSE.

 

I need help I have resorted to playing POPULUS on my laptop, how bad can things get.

[darkknight]

This is sooooo hard but I need to hear your advice love shackers.

 

This morning, I called her to ask why when she had got back from a weekend away she told me that she would not be able to meet me on Tuesday, gave me a whole load of S**T about not ringing her enough when she was away and then hung up and switched her phone for the rest of the night.

 

She wouldn't tell me and then she hit me with "I went to the doctors and the hospital last night and I am at the hospital again tonight. You don't support me". WTF!!!!!!!!

 

To be honest I think this is a MIND PHUK. She didn't tell me anything about this until she hit me with it this morning. Honestly, I don't think that this is true I think tha t she just wants the attention.

 

How can I be sure though. How can I know whether she is pushing my buttons. PLEASE ADVISE ME LOVE SHACKERS

[bendit]

Dark, this woman is going to ruin you. She is Poison. I can't be any more blunt. Relating to her in any way is going to be bring nothing but pain and chaos to your life. The sooner you realize this the better. You have to take SERIOUS steps to prevent her from contacting you and you her. This is serious business. She is disorderd. You are attracted to THAT. So you need to disengage ASAP and get some distance to understand the dynamics at play. But if you continue to associate with this person, you will be bringing chaos and misery into your life. I can't make it any more clear.

 

regards

 

Mike

[helena abadi]

rescuers are suckers for punishment. when they rescue very needy people, i.e. those who love to be saved, they feel needed, and both think that is emotional intimacy. both parties get a payoff of sorts.

 

you got duped, Dark. the people on this thread gave really good advice. has this happened to you before?

[darkknight]

Thanks for the replies.

 

A rescuer! Isn't that a good thing.

 

I think maybe after the sad marriage I just wanted a relationship that works. I wanted it TOO MUCH!

 

Right I think it's time to get back to the gym and rescue myself

[helena abadi]

yes, after marriage i think you really wanted to have a good thing. so much that you settled for less than you deserved. i've been there. it hurt really bad.

 

noope, rescuing doesn't work because you put your own needs last, they never get to be put first.

 

yup, rescue yourself and get to the gym. that's number one step on the road to health.

 

it's great you want to make someone happy, but don't allow them to walk all over you. can you allow yourself to meet someone who wants to make you happy too?

 

lotsa luck.

[darkknight]

Thanks Helena,

 

I have read through you texts and I sending you all the luck straight back. It will all work out.

 

I have found that by looking at other people situations I have found a number of the answers that I have been looking for.

 

ONE MORE QUESTION THOUGH TO ANYONE READING THIS:

 

How does one initiate no contact. Do you say you are or just simply begin ignoring the contact. I really don't want to appear rude (VERY BRITISH) but I need to move on. Also do you respond to contact in a closed manner or does one delete it/but the phone down.

 

I only ask because I know that this woman WILL continue to contact.

 

ALL ADVICE WELCOME

[bendit]

BE RUDE. Because in reality you aren't. See you just demonstrated how nice you are and the root of your problem. This woman is absolute poison and could really care less about you and you are worried about hurting her feelings.

 

I know you may beg to differ but look at her Actions not her words. So be rude for once in your life and protect yourself. Because if you are not rude (and this isn't rude btw) you are just setting yourself up as the nice guy that is gonna be manipulated again and again. This time think about YOUR needs not hers.

 

btw, you don't owe ANY explanantion at all. Simply COMMIT to locking yourself down and moving on as quickly as possible.

 

regards

 

Mike

[darkknight]

What you mean like now, right now. This instance.

 

OK but you have to be ready to hear me bleat like a lost sheep for the next 2 weeks.

 

Is it a deal????

[bendit]

no time like the present man. join the club.

 

regards

 

mike

[darkknight]

I'll keep the gang posted..........

[scobro]

Its almost an oxymoron "how do you initiate no contact"(hehehe).This is how you do it Dark read carefull 1 2 3..........................................(no contact) Thats how its done.This women seems like bad news.