Second Affair Child

[stillafool]

53 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

She has previously stated that she is afraid of MM. 

Has he physically abused OP?

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Has he physically abused OP?

Read her last thread, and you will understand why. I remember this story because I find it one of the sadder stories on the board. I’m very concerned about wildflower and her children. I hope she gets some help for herself. 

Edited July 26, 2020 by BaileyB

[Wildflower201]

 

On 7/25/2020 at 8:04 AM, BaileyB said:

Because people don’t change their character. 

And, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. He’s been jerking you around on a string for years, while you have been waiting and hoping that he would wise up and change. Where has that got you? 

I would argue that it’s not sensible for his wife to forgive him and stay... This guy, I would be chasing him down the street with a baseball bat. I have no tolerance for a cruel, lying, cheat of a man who fathered two children and refuses to support them. 

"Staying" has only made my life harder. Much harder. 

20 hours ago, pepperbird said:

Hey, come on now. I don't even know you and I can see your worth. If that man walked out, it's his loss.
You sound so down on yourself. Why? You don't have to share, but what are some of the awesome things about you? What makes you special? What do you love to do more than anything else? What are your hopes/dreams?

don't let him take all that away. you're still in there. you matter.

Thank you, pepperbird. I just...need time to be able to see myself again. I feel like garbage. 

5 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Then I’m guessing that by now the window to have an abortion has passed.

 

I'm 14 weeks today. I considered a medical abortion, but once I heard the heartbeat, I couldn't do it. 

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you decide to have a second child from him, he still won't leave his wife but he will have to pay more child support

Oh, I know. He told me if I kept it he'd leave me. 

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

You're right.  He does this because he knows you will put up with it.  Why do you continue to put up with this?  You need to start asking yourself the questions that keep you involved with him.  He is telling you the truth when he says he was only still in the affair because he's afraid of you.  He knows you have the power to ruin his life.  Child support and losing his wife.  He isn't the first MM who has tried to keep the OW "sweet" to protect himself.

I don't believe it's the truth. Mainly because he pursued me to restart the affair. Anytime I would stop contact or distance myself, he would "chase" me. He asked to move in together, and he randomly decided to start doing thing to prove he was "serious" and loved me. I was on the fence, and he knew that. The moment he became afraid was when he found out I was pregnant. 

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

It isn't about what will go well with him.  Child support are the rights of your 2 children.  You have to put them before the MM.  You don't ask him for child support, you go down and file for child support yourself and let the chips fall where they may.  It is your job to do what is best for your children and it doesn't look like he's going to be around to help.

 

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

She has previously stated that she is afraid of MM. 

My concerns about child support are not superficial. I'm afraid of him and his family. Since the last thread, his brother has harassed me and threatened me, my mom, and my sister. 

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This is the big question. She had previously distanced herself from this man. Why did she go back and why did she get pregnant again? 

I know you have a lot of history with this man. I expect you to say that you hoped he had changed... That’s the cycle of abuse, but it a really poor excuse to go back to an emotionally abusive married man. You are now going to have two children to protect, and the best way to do that is to take care of their mother. PLEASE seek out counselling for yourself. Go to a women’s clinic, or a shelter for women who have experienced abuse, there must be some services that are free. Your children are depending on you to protect them, especially because the threat is their father. 

You can do this, but you need to get right with yourself. You need to find some support, and you need to find your strength. Hugs. 

I...went back because he seemed different. He pursued me heavily, and did things that made it seem as though he finally woke up, and saw some worth in me. He still had a lot of fatherhood issues...and other issues, but he had been better than he was in years. Still not normal, still not great, but less abusive, more caring and seemingly more invested. Until I ruined it by ending up pregnant. 

I know that is such a typical abuse cycle response,  I know. But I thought had turned a corner. 

I will try free counseling. I'll look it up today. I know I need help. 

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Has he physically abused OP?

Him, his mom, one of his brothers, and another of his brothers has threatened me. 

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Read her last thread, and you will understand why. I remember this story because I find it one of the sadder stories on the board. I’m very concerned about wildflower and her children. I hope she gets some help for herself. 

I will, Bailey. Thank you. 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Wildflower201 said:

My concerns about child support are not superficial. I'm afraid of him and his family. Since the last thread, his brother has harassed me and threatened me, my mom, and my sister. 

This is what a good lawyer if for.  To get your child support payments in order and to set up protection, even if that means restraining orders, to protect you and your children.  I feel you do not want to prevent him from seeing you.

[BaileyB]

22 minutes ago, Wildflower201 said:

My concerns about child support are not superficial. I'm afraid of him and his family. Since the last thread, his brother has harassed me and threatened me, my mom, and my sister. 

I believe you. Based on what you have previously shared, I think you have good reason to be afraid of him (and his family). All the more reason to be scratching our collective heads when you go back to such a man/situation. And all the more reason to find yourself a good lawyer. 

Quote

I feel you do not want to prevent him from seeing you.

I feel the same way. Which is why I say, you really do need to find yourself some support and counselling. This man has a strange hold on you, and you seem not to believe you deserve better. I KNOW that you and your children deserve more than to be threatened and abused by this man and his family. This situation breaks my heart... like a dog who has been so long abused by his owner, you continue to return for more ever time he pats his leg and calls you over for a rub. As I have previously shared, I truly hope you get some help for yourself. The only person who can deliver your children from this situation is you. But, you will need help because you are a lost and beaten soul right now... 

Where do things stand right now wildflower? Is this man gone from your life - because no contact needs to be the first thing to do.

Second, you really should visit a lawyer to learn about your options. You don’t need to file for child support, but you need to know what you are entitled to receive and you need to learn more about protective orders.

Then, you need to find some support. As previously said, walk through the doors of a women’s shelter or clinic and ask to speak to a social worker or a counsellor. There are people who want to help you, but you need to ask for help. 

What of your mother? Your sister? A friend? Who do you trust enough to ask for support? 

And keep posting here... we care about you. We want you to be safe and happy. 

Edited July 26, 2020 by BaileyB

[pepperbird]

op,

it's bad enough what this man is doing tot he adults on his life, but to turn his back on his own children?
I have no words.

If I could get my hands on him he wouldn't be fathering any more kids.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Wildflower201 said:

I'm afraid of him and his family. Since the last thread, his brother has harassed me and threatened me, my mom, and my sister.

You, your mom, and your sister need to delete and block him and all his people from all devices, social media and messaging apps. Do you live with them? Also get a restraining order. Start getting a paper trail and make out police reports.

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Wildflower201 said:

Him, his mom, one of his brothers, and another of his brothers has threatened me. 

If they haven't physically harmed you pay them no attention.  If they are threatening taking your child that won't happen if you are taking good care of your child.  You have to a pretty bad mom for the courts to take a child away from their mother.   I have to say Wildflower that it doesn't really make sense to me that you are afraid of these people yet you still have sex with this man and get pregnant unless there is rape involved and I hope not.

[Wildflower201]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

This is what a good lawyer if for.  To get your child support payments in order and to set up protection, even if that means restraining orders, to protect you and your children.  I feel you do not want to prevent him from seeing you.

I would rather it be taken out of my hands entirely. It would be better, for me if me and my children just never saw or heard from him again. 

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I believe you. Based on what you have previously shared, I think you have good reason to be afraid of him (and his family). All the more reason to be scratching our collective heads when you go back to such a man/situation. And all the more reason to find yourself a good lawyer. 

I feel the same way. Which is why I say, you really do need to find yourself some support and counselling. This man has a strange hold on you, and you seem not to believe you deserve better. I KNOW that you and your children deserve more than to be threatened and abused by this man and his family. This situation breaks my heart... like a dog who has been so long abused by his owner, you continue to return for more ever time he pats his leg and calls you over for a rub. As I have previously shared, I truly hope you get some help for yourself. The only person who can deliver your children from this situation is you. But, you will need help because you are a lost and beaten soul right now... 

Where do things stand right now wildflower? Is this man gone from your life - because no contact needs to be the first thing to do.

Second, you really should visit a lawyer to learn about your options. You don’t need to file for child support, but you need to know what you are entitled to receive and you need to learn more about protective orders.

Then, you need to find some support. As previously said, walk through the doors of a women’s shelter or clinic and ask to speak to a social worker or a counsellor. There are people who want to help you, but you need to ask for help. 

What of your mother? Your sister? A friend? Who do you trust enough to ask for support? 

And keep posting here... we care about you. We want you to be safe and happy. 

Today, I talked to my sister and brother in law and they helped to calm my fears of taking care of my children without child support. My mom helps a lot, but she is getting older and I want her to be able to rest in her retirement. 

It just doesn't feel good to depend on them. I cover most of my costs alone most of the time, but sometimes I fall short and I don't feel it's fair to put that on them. 

I lived with an abusive fiance for two years. Physical abuse was a regular occurrence. MM didn't hurt me anywhere close to as many times as my ex did...not saying that makes it okay. After my ex would hurt me, he would want to "fix it", and I just got used to living with that fear. I'm always afraid that any man close to me can hurt me at any moment. 

When things are okay for a while, I lose that attachment to the hurt or anger. This actually triggered memories that I'd forgotten. 

3 hours ago, pepperbird said:

op,

it's bad enough what this man is doing tot he adults on his life, but to turn his back on his own children?
I have no words.

If I could get my hands on him he wouldn't be fathering any more kids.

Thank you pepperbird. It may be for the best...that's the only bright side I have. 

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You, your mom, and your sister need to delete and block him and all his people from all devices, social media and messaging apps. Do you live with them? Also get a restraining order. Start getting a paper trail and make out police reports.

We discussed that...the brother that is the most normal begged us not to. We agreed that one more incident and everything goes to police. 

I live in the same building as my mom and sister. 

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

If they haven't physically harmed you pay them no attention.  If they are threatening taking your child that won't happen if you are taking good care of your child.  You have to a pretty bad mom for the courts to take a child away from their mother.   I have to say Wildflower that it doesn't really make sense to me that you are afraid of these people yet you still have sex with this man and get pregnant unless there is rape involved and I hope not.

Yea, I ignore those who haven't touched me. Them trying to take away my children has crossed my mind, but I don't believe they would. 

The memory that was triggered was that he did rape me. Once. In 2013. I can't explain...I try to put those things out of my mind when everything is okay. He was always adamant about me holding on to things, and he always had an explanation. Thinking about all the things I've buried makes me feel sick and shaky. 

I've just been trying to hold on to the good things and that if I'd been better, he'd be better toward me. I was trying to move forward, but it sounds crazy as I type it. 

[Wildflower201]

Thinking about all of it just disturbed me really deeply...that I ever loved someone...love someone that could do those things to me. 

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, Wildflower201 said:

I lived with an abusive fiance for two years. Physical abuse was a regular occurrence. MM didn't hurt me anywhere close to as many times as my ex did...not saying that makes it okay.

The memory that was triggered was that he did rape me. Once. In 2013. 

I've just been trying to hold on to the good things and that if I'd been better, he'd be better toward me.

No, he has hurt you worse. 

Bruises heal. The emotional damage this MM has done will take much longer to heal. Was he the man who raped you? He has come and gone from your life. He once told you to commit suicide. I can’t even find the words... It brings tears to my eyes, that anyone could EVER say such a thing to another human being, let alone the mother of his child. 

NOTHING you have ever done should cause a man to be so hateful and so cruel. There is nothing you could have done better. He will never change. There is no redemption for such a man. And if he was ever to feel remorse, you would be very unwise to ever trust him or see him again. The things he has done are horrible, hurtful things... unforgivable. 

Edited July 27, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Wildflower201 said:

Thinking about all of it just disturbed me really deeply...that I ever loved someone...love someone that could do those things to me. 

Hugs. As Maya Angelou so eloquently says... “When you know better, you do better.”

Write these events and these feelings down, so that when he comes around again (because he will probably come around again), you will remember and make a different decision.... 

Edited July 27, 2020 by BaileyB

[Wildflower201]

34 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, he has hurt you worse. 

Bruises heal. The emotional damage this MM has done will take much longer to heal. Was he the man who raped you? He has come and gone from your life. He once told you to commit suicide. I can’t even find the words... It brings tears to my eyes, that anyone could EVER say such a thing to another human being, let alone the mother of his child. 

NOTHING you have ever done should cause a man to be so hateful and so cruel. There is nothing you could have done better. He will never change. There is no redemption for such a man. And if he was ever to feel remorse, you would be very unwise to ever trust him or see him again. The things he has done are horrible, hurtful things... unforgivable. 

MM raped me. I don't know if he was under the influence of anything when it happened. 

I forgot...that he told me to kill myself...I had to ask my sister, and she said yes. She witnessed it first hand. 

I don't know how I can forget. I would never want my sister, or daughter...any woman I know to even speak to a person who has done the things he has done. I feel like my mind is broken. This is why my sister looks at me like I'm crazy. She remembers everything. 

32 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Hugs. As Maya Angelou so eloquently says... “When you know better, you do better.”

Write these events and these feelings down, so that when he comes around again (because he will probably come around again), you will remember and make a different decision.... 

I'm trying to think of a way to put them somewhere that I won't lose it. Someone to make it permanent. 

I feel crazy. 

Edited July 27, 2020 by Wildflower201

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, Wildflower201 said:

I forgot...that he told me to kill myself...I had to ask my sister, and she said yes. She witnessed it first hand. 

I don't know how I can forget. I would never want my sister, or daughter...any woman I know to even speak to a person who has done the things he has done. I feel like my mind is broken. This is why my sister looks at me like I'm crazy. She remembers everything. 

You wrote it in your last thread. Go back and read the discussion. 

Your sister doesn’t forget because these things are difficult to forget. They are disturbing, particularly because she loves you. 

Again, counselling would be the best investment you could make at this time. But given your experiences with rape, and emotional and physical abuse, you will want to find a counsellor who has experience with these issues. Your doctor, or a women’s shelter, may have suggestions for you - some that should be free of charge. Make the call tomorrow, for your children. I’m sure your sister would help, she sounds really supportive. It must be really hard for her to see you so hurt.

Make the call for your children. They need a strong and healthy mama. And you, need peace and comfort. 

Edited July 27, 2020 by BaileyB

[Wildflower201]

I talked with a woman that I know that has had similar experiences. I never knew these things about her, because her marriage appears happy and loving. She forgets, just like I do. Made me feel less alone in being crazy. 

This morning, MM's wife contacted me to let me know that he will pay child support, and that seeing the children "is not going to work", so he won't be seeing them going forward. She said that he is done doing things his own way. So. 

[BaileyB]

47 minutes ago, Wildflower201 said:

This morning, MM's wife contacted me to let me know that he will pay child support, and that seeing the children "is not going to work", so he won't be seeing them going forward. She said that he is done doing things his own way. So. 

In other words, she is bringing the hammer down. Take your money and run... consider yourself lucky.

Quote

I talked with a woman that I know that has had similar experiences. I never knew these things about her, because her marriage appears happy and loving. She forgets, just like I do. Made me feel less alone in being crazy. 

You are not crazy and you are certainly not alone. This is the cycle of abuse. Abusers aren’t always abusive, or no woman would ever stay. They win your affection, tension starts to build, there is an incident, there is an apology/reconciliation, and then a period of calm when you forget. And repeat. It’s a vicious cycle. 

Have you considered contacting a women’s shelter or domestic abuse hotline? Find a support group? 

Edited July 28, 2020 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

Stop being someone's concubine. Delete and block him and all his people and get a restraining order.

[Crazelnut]

You are legally entitled to child support. Get a lawyer and get it. It's not fair to make your family pay (both in time and money) for your poor judgement.

[MJJean]

8 hours ago, Wildflower201 said:

I talked with a woman that I know that has had similar experiences. I never knew these things about her, because her marriage appears happy and loving. She forgets, just like I do. Made me feel less alone in being crazy. 

This morning, MM's wife contacted me to let me know that he will pay child support, and that seeing the children "is not going to work", so he won't be seeing them going forward. She said that he is done doing things his own way. So. 

Get in writing and get it all signed by a judge. Otherwise, it's just more bulls*** he/they could change on a whim.. 

You're barely making ends meet with the help of family who will likely not be able to help for the next 18 years and shouldn't have to in the first place. Your kids deserve every single dime they are legally entitled to.

 

[pepperbird]

On 7/27/2020 at 11:31 PM, Wildflower201 said:

I talked with a woman that I know that has had similar experiences. I never knew these things about her, because her marriage appears happy and loving. She forgets, just like I do. Made me feel less alone in being crazy. 

 

you're not alone. like another poster has pointed out, you;re stuck in the cycle of abuse.
You try hard, he treats you badly, you try harder.He doesn't change, unless he senses he's going too far, and then the love bombing starts.  If he can, he'll have you believing this is all your fault, and if you just try harder, are better, prettier, kinder, better int he bedroom, do whatever that all will be well. You;ll do that, and just when you think you've figured it out, he'll move the goalposts and the cycle starts all over again.
The whole point is to have you dependent and afraid. People who are afraid are easy to control. Don't give him that. You sound like a strong mom who loves her child and child to be. If you can't sort this to, for you, do it for them. Speak to a lawyer, get child support agreements in place etc.

One thing you have be cautious of is to (hard as it may be) try and paint their dad in a positive light to them. I'm not saying you have to make him out to be a great guy, just try not to be negative. remember-half of them comes from him.

Most of all, be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

 

[Wildflower201]

On 7/27/2020 at 10:15 PM, BaileyB said:

In other words, she is bringing the hammer down. Take your money and run... consider yourself lucky.

You are not crazy and you are certainly not alone. This is the cycle of abuse. Abusers aren’t always abusive, or no woman would ever stay. They win your affection, tension starts to build, there is an incident, there is an apology/reconciliation, and then a period of calm when you forget. And repeat. It’s a vicious cycle. 

Have you considered contacting a women’s shelter or domestic abuse hotline? Find a support group? 

Lucky how?

I found a psychlogist near me. I haven't called yet because I am behind on work and frantically trying to finish. 

 

On 7/28/2020 at 3:22 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Stop being someone's concubine. Delete and block him and all his people and get a restraining order.

 

On 7/28/2020 at 6:06 AM, Crazelnut said:

You are legally entitled to child support. Get a lawyer and get it. It's not fair to make your family pay (both in time and money) for your poor judgement.

 

On 7/28/2020 at 6:55 AM, MJJean said:

Get in writing and get it all signed by a judge. Otherwise, it's just more bulls*** he/they could change on a whim.. 

You're barely making ends meet with the help of family who will likely not be able to help for the next 18 years and shouldn't have to in the first place. Your kids deserve every single dime they are legally entitled to.

 

Last week,  I was ready to fight. I felt a little stronger.  I printed the child support paperwork,  found out all I needed to do.

Now, I'm just sad and tired. I don't want to fight against them. I don't want to push for anything. I just want to have my baby and be quiet.  

I know what they deserve. I know, but their own father doesn't care. Me and my children are invisible, unwanted,  and a nuisance. I just don't want to step out and fight for or about anything. We're trash to him and his extended family.  I wish my mother had explained that to me when I was younger instead of only trying to hide me away. 

When I would get upset about how MM treated me and our son and I'd speak up, he called it bullying. Me fighting for money will be no different,  and it would prove to everyone that he has reason to be afraid of me because I'll "come after him".

On 7/29/2020 at 1:37 PM, pepperbird said:

you're not alone. like another poster has pointed out, you;re stuck in the cycle of abuse.
You try hard, he treats you badly, you try harder.He doesn't change, unless he senses he's going too far, and then the love bombing starts.  If he can, he'll have you believing this is all your fault, and if you just try harder, are better, prettier, kinder, better int he bedroom, do whatever that all will be well. You;ll do that, and just when you think you've figured it out, he'll move the goalposts and the cycle starts all over again.
The whole point is to have you dependent and afraid. People who are afraid are easy to control. Don't give him that. You sound like a strong mom who loves her child and child to be. If you can't sort this to, for you, do it for them. Speak to a lawyer, get child support agreements in place etc.

One thing you have be cautious of is to (hard as it may be) try and paint their dad in a positive light to them. I'm not saying you have to make him out to be a great guy, just try not to be negative. remember-half of them comes from him.

Most of all, be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

 

Well, according to what he said, it is my fault. He was afraid of me and that is why this continued.

My kids...should know the truth. Their mom is unwanted and because they came from me, people won't treat them well. Especially people related to them. Their dad just made a mistake, and he fixed it by leaving all of us to be with and around the people that deserve better.

I'm just tired. I miss him today and missing someone who treated me like this makes me feel worse. I don't deserve it. 

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, Wildflower201 said:

My kids...should know the truth. Their mom is unwanted and because they came from me, people won't treat them well. Especially people related to them. Their dad just made a mistake, and he fixed it by leaving all of us to be with and around the people that deserve better.

What do you mean by this - that he left so that you and your children could be around people who treat you better, or so that he could be around people who are better?

Edited August 2, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, Wildflower201 said:

Lucky how?

If you could get child support from this man and not have to deal with him and his family that would be a wonderful thing, in my humble opinion. This is a crazy abusive relationship you’ve got going here, and you can not subject your children to this kind of emotional abuse. Not often will I say this, but your children will be better for not knowing their father - it doesn’t sound like he or his family are capable of including your children in their lives in a healthy way. You MUST protect your children. 

[Wildflower201]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What do you mean by this - that he left so that you and your children could be around people who treat you better, or so that he could be around people who are better?

You children need to know that they are in this world for a reason. They are loved by their mother and if their father has chosen not to be a part of their life, that is simply the last of the REALLY poor decisions he has made. Your children are worthy of love, just as you are worthy of love. Yes, you made the decision to love someone who did not love you and treats you very, very badly. But your children deserve every opportunity to succeed in this world, to find joy, and happiness, and meaning... DESPITE the mistake of their parents. 

You really need to make that appointment with a counsellor, there is no time to waste. 

I meant so that he could be around people who are better. 

I read that a lot of men who have affairs choose their spouse over their affair children. Coupled with the fact that he wanted an abortion and I didn't get one, it makes sense to me.

I do believe that they are worthy of love, but I'm just one person. My mom and my sister believe the same as I do, but it's just us.

When you're worth it, people don't hurt you so effortlessly. They don't throw you away and forget you in a matter of days. I was just a mistake.  He can cut us completely off for his wife because she is worth more than I am. His daughter is wortb more than our son.  

I'm pushing through this weekend working so that I can call first thing tomorrow and do a televisit thingy. 

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If you could get child support from this man and not have to deal with him and his family that would be a wonderful thing, in my humble opinion. This is a crazy abusive relationship you’ve got going here, and you can not subject your children to this kind of emotional abuse. Not often will I say this, but your children will be better for not knowing their father - it doesn’t sound like he or his family are capable of including your children in their lives in a healthy way. You MUST protect your children. 

I see what you mean. Your opinion is greatly valued. 

I regret ever letting him be a part of our son's life. I really think it would be better if he never knew him. 

Hopefully, when this new baby comes, he will just let us be so that things won't get worse. 

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Wildflower201 said:

I meant so that he could be around people who are better. 

I read that a lot of men who have affairs choose their spouse over their affair children. Coupled with the fact that he wanted an abortion and I didn't get one, it makes sense to me.

I do believe that they are worthy of love, but I'm just one person. My mom and my sister believe the same as I do, but it's just us.

When you're worth it, people don't hurt you so effortlessly. They don't throw you away and forget you in a matter of days. I was just a mistake.  He can cut us completely off for his wife because she is worth more than I am. His daughter is wortb more than our son.  

Oh wildflower, I was afraid that this was what you meant. 

This man and his family are TRASH for not doing right by your children. Those children are innocent! Their parents have made mistakes,  up your children deserve to be loved and they are worthy just by their very existence in this world. So are you. 

He hurt you effortlessly, but that is a reflection of HIS CHARACTER not your worth of value as a person. The fact that he hurt you effortlessly is unfortunately also a reflection of your opinion of your worth and value as a person - because if you actually valued yourself more, you wouldn’t have allowed it. And THAT is why you need to get yourself to a counsellor. I’m glad that you have reached out. It takes strength to do that, it is the single best thing you could ever do for yourself and your children (with the only other exception being ending contact with this man).

His wife is not worth more than you, or your children. He has chosen to be with them, but that is different than saying they are “worth” more than you or your children. And again, I would chose to be healthy and alone every. single. day rather than being in an abusive relationship with this man. 

Respectfully, you need to get yourself together because you simply can NOT pass on your own issues to your children. YOU may feel less than, and unworthy, but they need to feel like they are loved and worthy of being loved. To give them any other message - that somehow their father did not want them, that they are not worthy of love, that they are somehow deserving of being treated poorly because of the circumstances surrounding their birth and their very existence is child abuse. You may be only one person but you are the most important person in their lives. You have the love and support of your mother and your sister and her family... that’s all they need to feel healthy and happy. But, their mother needs to be healthy and happy - and right now you are neither. That should be your focus right now, surround yourself with love and support so that you can be happy and healthy for your children. 

Edited August 2, 2020 by BaileyB