What would you do?

[Tigerqueen]

I met the love of my life beginning of last year. We have been together a year and a half. He is 29 and I am 31. Very similar in our values, desires, traits, lots of trust, our families get on great, it’s everything I have hoped for all my life. BUT. When we met, he was in the process of selling his home that he bought with an ex. We didn’t anticipate falling for eachother so quickly and strongly but it happened. When he sold his house, he moved in with me (too quick I know and hindsight is wonderful). However, everything just fell into place and we knew we wanted to be together and have a future. My home is owned by me, and is 50miles from his hometown. We decided to decorate the bedroom and garden so that it didn’t just feel like ‘my home’ and we did it to both our tastes with the aim of having a future in this house. We talked about marriage and kids all the time. Fast forward ten months, he has had a lot go on in his life, a bit of trauma that in typical male fashion didn’t deal with years before we met. Lockdown struck and I noticed a change in him, his mental health detoriated very quickly, and it spiralled into an emotional breakdown with a full blown depressive episode. I supported him and we did everything required to help him get better, he was so upset at me having to see him like that and at how it was affecting me but worked hard to get better. He missed his family terribly during lockdown and because of how he was feeling only exacerbated everything. He decided he needed to spend some time back home to get better, and give me a bit of a break as it was all becoming too much. 
 

He ended up bouncing back and forward Between mine and his parents for a little which just wasn’t working for either of us. We agreed for him to take his stuff back to his parents and to live there whilst he sorted stuff out. Anyway, we are still together, but it is very difficult going from living together to essentially seeing eachother a couple of times a week. Looking back, we moved in together too soon and we both want our space to live alone but continue dating and take the time we both need. He hasn’t ever lived on his own, he has always been at parents or with a partner and feels strongly that he wants his own place to find himself and feel independent instead of pleasing others or living under someone else’s roof.  We are fully committed to eachother, there is nobody else and we only want to date eachother. He says that talking about kids and marriage right now is too much for him with how he is feeling, and I agree, it is too soon for both of us but it is obviously hard to hear. He is working hard to get better but feels he needs to do it around his family as he and his parents have both said they haven’t seen him this low before and were very worried.  I know this means that he will get his own place and perhaps we will come together in the future to live together but neither of us are ready to do that right now. We’ve been there and it didn’t work. But we both don’t want that to mean that the relationship has to end due to bad timing. What would you do? Would you stand by him or would you expect all or nothing? Please be kind, I have been on other forums and people have been rather rude saying he doesn’t care and isn’t interested when that is so far from the truth. He has gone through a lot, he is such a kind, caring man and his previous trauma has very much caught up with him. We both want our space but I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss seeing everyday. I am struggling with that 

Edited July 6, 2020 by Tigerqueen

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, Tigerqueen said:

What would you do? Would you stand by him or would you expect all or nothing?

If the tables were turned, would he stick by you while you sorted out your life issues?  Let that be your guiding principle in how to proceed.

If he would, then I'd give him the time to get sorted, get out on his own and get his feet up under himself. He needs to be doing this--and quite frankly, he should have been on this a long time ago.

I would guard against allowing my expectations to dictate anything right now. Expectations are future resentments under construction.  He is only capable of giving what he is capable of giving right now. That may change for the better, depending upon how well in stride you take things right now. 

Having said that, I'd give myself a reasonable time table for him to address this sincerely and do the heavy lifting required, but after that time has expired, if I was wanting marriage and a family, I'd have to recognize when it was time to cut him adrift so that you can find someone who is capable of giving you the relationship you're after. Don't waste your youth unnecessarily if he's not making concrete changes in his life and isn't showing movement and improvement.

Edited July 6, 2020 by kendahke

[Mystery4u]

Personally, I would stand by him. Isn't that what love is, to be there for someone in their time of need, not only when things are great?

One thing you need to make sure you understand is you should not try to force him to get help etc, he needs to want to do that himself. He needs to want to change for the better. If he doesn't want to, and puts no effort in changing, and just keeps being miserable and sucking the life out of you then let him go.

[Foxhall]

give him the space he needs,

you dont really need to see him or live with him every day,

you have plenty of time yet, take it slower for the next 12 months and see where that goes.

it might bring you closer together believe it or not.

[d0nnivain]

I think Covid did a number on a lot of people emotionally, your BF included.  

For now, keep things as they are -- you at your house & him with his parents.  Work with him to find his place.  He should rent not buy if you two have a plan to eventually be together. Let him be independent.  Date.  See each other.  Spend time in both places.  Next summer reassess.  

[Maldives]

Easy answer stick with him if you truly love him that's what a partnership is you stick by each other through the good and bad. As long as it's not physical or emotional abuse stick it out. People are complex and we all go through different emotions and feelings as we grow its normal it's part of life don't just chick the towel in because you feel one way and he's feeling another. That's not really a reason for breaking up with someone especially if you love em ...that kinda feeling doesn't come round that often with someone. So U break up what then? Go look for someone else good luck with that finding the same connection and looking for someone who has the same outlook not easy 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

Since he's never lived alone, I think it's a GREAT idea for him to get his own place and get comfortable with that before making any major decisions. I'd be fully supportive of that. 

[Haerts]

You started your post with "I met the love of my life".

You met the love of your life, girl! He's going through a bad phase right now and he needs your support.

Letting him have his own space will also help him grow and mature. 

I can imagine how hard it is to take a step back, but at the same time I think it's necessary.

Meanwhile, do the same! Now you have more time for yourself to perhaps find new hobbies, make new friends, change your routine a bit.

I think in the end this will really make your relationship better. Easier said than done I know, but be patient.

[basil67]

If I were in your shoes, I'd probably invite him for the weekends and then see him once during the week.   And when you do see him on weekends, do nice stuff (as much as your local COVID rules allow) and enjoy each other's company.   Try and avoid sitting around all day doing nothing.    

My only concern is of your fertility.   You're 31 and if you want children, you don't want to be waiting around forever for a guy to get stable...then find a place to live...then learn how to live alone....then work out if you're still compatible.   Give it time, but not too long.    Of course, if kids aren't high on the list, you've got all the time in the world.

[elaine567]

13 hours ago, Tigerqueen said:

When we met, he was in the process of selling his home that he bought with an ex.

 

13 hours ago, Tigerqueen said:

...bit of trauma that in typical male fashion didn’t deal with years before we met.

 

13 hours ago, Tigerqueen said:

...his mental health detoriated very quickly, and it spiralled into an emotional breakdown with a full blown depressive episode.

 

13 hours ago, Tigerqueen said:

He decided he needed to spend some time back home to get better, and give me a bit of a break as it was all becoming too much. 

 

13 hours ago, Tigerqueen said:

We agreed for him to take his stuff back to his parents and to live there whilst he sorted stuff out.

 

13 hours ago, Tigerqueen said:

He hasn’t ever lived on his own, he has always been at parents or with a partner and feels strongly that he wants his own place to find himself and feel independent instead of pleasing others or living under someone else’s roof.  

Sorry but it is over.
He never really processed his last relationship, he slotted you into "serious", he then panicked and with his other "trauma", he retreated back to the safety of his parents.
Now he wants to be independent and live alone.
Which is perfectly normal once anyone gets an ex out of their hair.
Unfortunately you are the rebound and whilst all this closeness and cosiness  and future planning felt great to you, he was suffocated.
Now you are "convenient", until he finds his feet.
I would not stick around if I were you, you could waste a lot of precious fertile time "waiting" whilst he  heals and then watch as he moves seamlessly onward with someone else, leaving you in the dust...

[dangerous]

What Elaine said summarises my assessment too, I felt it when I read the OP's opener. 

Happened to me in the past, almost identical.

[lurker74]

Very generally speaking, when you break down an issue to black and white, this or that, stand by him or expect nothing, you are doing yourself a disservice. It's actually very possible to stand by him and expect nothing at the same time, which is what you should do. Sure, if you were married and together for years, you have certain expectations, but in new relationships, expectations are the scaffolding of resentment. And you are still in a new relationship, one short-circuited by moving in together so quickly. 

So stand by him, be available, but be separate too. Let him come back to you and be happy when he does. And if he doesn't, be OK with that too. In any case...what is the alternative? I don't feel like you're about to go to OLD next week so this should be easy while things sort themselves out.