TylerMc Posted July 6, 2020 Posted July 6, 2020 So my ex gf messaged me after dumping me a month ago saying “happy birthday! I hope you have the best day possible with lockdown! The weathers great make the most of it! xx” I had been in no contact roughly about 2 weeks before today i debated for hours whether to reply and what to say so i put “thanks *** i appreciate it xx” then sent a few hours later “sorry if that was blunt i was with my family I've had a nice day in the garden, Mum made a cake i hope ur all good too xx” and got no response and it honestly feels like day 0 again. I haven’t had a good day at all I've sat depressed in my room cus i cant stop thinking about her. Why would she message being nice and not even respond to me being nice? Why does she care if i have a good day if she dumped me so horribly an moved on fast. I hate people 1
d0nnivain Posted July 6, 2020 Posted July 6, 2020 This is what happens when you don't block EXs. She thought she was being nice by remembering your birthday. She gave no thought to how much it would hurt to hear from her. She's well & truly done, over you & living her life. She's OK with being "just friends" & acknowledging your birthday because it was just a throw away text to you. When you were nice back it became a dialogue. The fact that you send a follow up message apologizing for giving her short shrift telegraphed that you still have feelings. She was OK with a short Happy Birthday but she's really not open to anything substantive so she went radio silence. I'm sorry this had such a profound negative effect on you & dampened your day. Until she means nothing to you, blocking her so you can't see anything from her on any platform is the way to go. It hurts less. 4
Author TylerMc Posted July 6, 2020 Author Posted July 6, 2020 9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: This is what happens when you don't block EXs. She thought she was being nice by remembering your birthday. She gave no thought to how much it would hurt to hear from her. She's well & truly done, over you & living her life. She's OK with being "just friends" & acknowledging your birthday because it was just a throw away text to you. When you were nice back it became a dialogue. The fact that you send a follow up message apologizing for giving her short shrift telegraphed that you still have feelings. She was OK with a short Happy Birthday but she's really not open to anything substantive so she went radio silence. I'm sorry this had such a profound negative effect on you & dampened your day. Until she means nothing to you, blocking her so you can't see anything from her on any platform is the way to go. It hurts less. I know its just that i said I cant be friends with her when she did it as it would be too painful and that i couldn't see her move on, shes deleted of all my socials and i deleted her number but she text me anyway. Its still so raw an she doesn't care She’s just gone 1
Beachead Posted July 6, 2020 Posted July 6, 2020 (edited) Hey Tyler Mc, 47 minutes ago, TylerMc said: Why would she message being nice and not even respond to me being nice? Why does she care if i have a good day if she dumped me so horribly an moved on fast. I hate people Its more of a self-serving act, that's why. Break ups aren't easy for either party but on the dumpers side, what they deal with is more doubts/fear that they made the right decision and/or guilt for hurting the person; this feeling of not wanting to be a bad person and for things to end right between you two. Given you two broke up recently and your birthday arrived shortly after, she's unresolved still. Also given that she appears unwilling to have a conversation with you, despite wishing you, tells me this was more out of obligation stemming from those personal motivations I mentioned above. This doesn't mean she wants to be with you. And this is all good and well for her, but not for you. You didn't want this and right now, you're vulnerable and filled with hope that maybe she might come back. You're hurting and what you really need is for her to leave you alone, if she's not interested in being with you again, so that you can accept that things are over. Your ex knew what she wanted when she ended it with you. It wasn't a spur of the moment decision. She spent weeks or perhaps months thinking about it. When she finally decided to call quits, she knew it was what she wanted. In breaking up with you, she coincidently chooses to be with someone else, whether she's met them already or not, and that new person will not be cool, with an ex like you lingering around. So she will eventually stop talking to you, out of respect for her new relationship, and this connection that you'd have desperately tried to hold onto, will end anyway. That's what it all comes down to. I've been through this many times in my life. Don't depend on other people to look out for your well-being. Sometimes they may, but its not their responsibility. It's your responsibility to manage your well-being and do whats necessary for your heart and your mind, no matter how difficult it is. An what I believe you need to do for yourself get her out of your sight. Her presence, in whatever way shape or form, in this stage of your healing, is a detriment to your mental-health. To do this, you'll have to really do what you probably don't want to do and minimize all possible channels of communication with her. Especially those that allow you to see her and vice-versa. Block her number (Or Delete it) and take her off your social media. Box any items she gave you as gifts. Delete pictures from the phone (Or move them to an external HD or a Cloud). Detox and be okay with the fact that it'll take time to work through this. Do not rush it. - Beach Edited July 6, 2020 by Beachead 2 1
Author TylerMc Posted July 6, 2020 Author Posted July 6, 2020 3 hours ago, Beachead said: Hey Tyler Mc, Its more of a self-serving act, that's why. Break ups aren't easy for either party but on the dumpers side, what they deal with is more doubts/fear that they made the right decision and/or guilt for hurting the person; this feeling of not wanting to be a bad person and for things to end right between you two. Given you two broke up recently and your birthday arrived shortly after, she's unresolved still. Also given that she appears unwilling to have a conversation with you, despite wishing you, tells me this was more out of obligation stemming from those personal motivations I mentioned above. This doesn't mean she wants to be with you. And this is all good and well for her, but not for you. You didn't want this and right now, you're vulnerable and filled with hope that maybe she might come back. You're hurting and what you really need is for her to leave you alone, if she's not interested in being with you again, so that you can accept that things are over. Your ex knew what she wanted when she ended it with you. It wasn't a spur of the moment decision. She spent weeks or perhaps months thinking about it. When she finally decided to call quits, she knew it was what she wanted. In breaking up with you, she coincidently chooses to be with someone else, whether she's met them already or not, and that new person will not be cool, with an ex like you lingering around. So she will eventually stop talking to you, out of respect for her new relationship, and this connection that you'd have desperately tried to hold onto, will end anyway. That's what it all comes down to. I've been through this many times in my life. Don't depend on other people to look out for your well-being. Sometimes they may, but its not their responsibility. It's your responsibility to manage your well-being and do whats necessary for your heart and your mind, no matter how difficult it is. An what I believe you need to do for yourself get her out of your sight. Her presence, in whatever way shape or form, in this stage of your healing, is a detriment to your mental-health. To do this, you'll have to really do what you probably don't want to do and minimize all possible channels of communication with her. Especially those that allow you to see her and vice-versa. Block her number (Or Delete it) and take her off your social media. Box any items she gave you as gifts. Delete pictures from the phone (Or move them to an external HD or a Cloud). Detox and be okay with the fact that it'll take time to work through this. Do not rush it. - Beach Thank you i needed that mate try start N/C again forever tomorrow
Uptown182 Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 Ugh I’m sorry you’re going through this. Since your birthday was so soon after the breakup on her end she probably felt obligated to wish you a happy birthday because I’m sure she still cares for you on some level. However, just because she cares for you doesn’t mean she wants to get back together, sounds like she’s done with the relationship for whatever reason. I don’t know how long you two were together, but it’s going to take some time for you to heal. It will get better as time goes by, I promise. You did the right thing deleting her from social media and doing NC. NC is the best thing you can do for yourself, and if she texts you again don’t feel obligated to respond, you don’t owe her a response, look out for yourself right now. 1
Author TylerMc Posted July 7, 2020 Author Posted July 7, 2020 7 hours ago, Uptown182 said: Ugh I’m sorry you’re going through this. Since your birthday was so soon after the breakup on her end she probably felt obligated to wish you a happy birthday because I’m sure she still cares for you on some level. However, just because she cares for you doesn’t mean she wants to get back together, sounds like she’s done with the relationship for whatever reason. I don’t know how long you two were together, but it’s going to take some time for you to heal. It will get better as time goes by, I promise. You did the right thing deleting her from social media and doing NC. NC is the best thing you can do for yourself, and if she texts you again don’t feel obligated to respond, you don’t owe her a response, look out for yourself right now. Thank you im not replying ever again
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 17 hours ago, TylerMc said: So my ex gf messaged me after dumping me a month ago saying “happy birthday! I hope you have the best day possible with lockdown! The weathers great make the most of it! xx” I had been in no contact roughly about 2 weeks before today i debated for hours whether to reply and what to say so i put “thanks *** i appreciate it xx” then sent a few hours later “sorry if that was blunt i was with my family I've had a nice day in the garden, Mum made a cake i hope ur all good too xx” and got no response and it honestly feels like day 0 again. I haven’t had a good day at all I've sat depressed in my room cus i cant stop thinking about her. Why would she message being nice and not even respond to me being nice? Why does she care if i have a good day if she dumped me so horribly an moved on fast. I hate people Because it was only her intention to send a birthday greeting, but not start a conversation. Given that your birthday was so soon after the break-up, she probably felt she should get in touch. It's a perfunctory sort of message. I know it hurts a lot, but it is better that she didn't reply to your last message. It would give you false hope that it might lead somewhere further. Perhaps it's time you block her from your phone so you don't get more such messages that set you back. For what it's worth, Happy Birthday, Tyler. Know that on your next birthday, you will be feeling a world better. 6
Author TylerMc Posted July 7, 2020 Author Posted July 7, 2020 44 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Because it was only her intention to send a birthday greeting, but not start a conversation. Given that your birthday was so soon after the break-up, she probably felt she should get in touch. It's a perfunctory sort of message. I know it hurts a lot, but it is better that she didn't reply to your last message. It would give you false hope that it might lead somewhere further. Perhaps it's time you block her from your phone so you don't get more such messages that set you back. For what it's worth, Happy Birthday, Tyler. Know that on your next birthday, you will be feeling a world better. Thank you and i hope so
Beachead Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 @TylerMc Np. If you have more questions. Ask. Those first few months are rough. There was a time I couldn't get passed 10 minutes without looking at my phone to see if I received a text from my ex. Which ex? All of 3 of them, at the start of all of the breakups. Every thought I had centralized around them. Lost my appetite. Lost weight. Chest felt heavy all the time. Wanted to sleep during the day because I was wide awake at night, thinking about things. I lost desire for practically everything in my life, and it really required everything I had to get through the most simplest tasks. A lot of things would remind me of them, and then boom..I'd get knocked back to what felt like Day 0 all over again. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, it was like that for me. But then your appetite starts to come back. You can get through your days with less pain. You check your phone less. You have your first good sleep. After some time, you even catch yourself smiling and enjoying life, over something that has nothing to do with her. That'll happen more and more often. And while this is going on, you'll have your emotional ups and downs over things. The process is slow and its normal and it almost might feel like you're not getting better, but you are. You'll come out of this thing having learned a couple of valuable things about yourself and about life and how to deal with a breakup. - Beach
rjc149 Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 The best response to an ex wishing you a happy birthday is "thanks." That's it. I can't speculate as to why she sent you birthday wishes. She could be trying to assuage her guilt. She could be checking the temperature. She could be seeking validation that you'll still interact with her. She could be making sure you're not completely gone, that you're still in orbit. I will disagree with the hypothesis that she's simply being polite and has zero interest in you at all. Women don't typically feel the urge to send polite messages to men they have zero interest in (unless she was married to you for many years and your life stories are inextricably intertwined, which I'm guessing is not the case). So there's some residual degree of interest -- whether it's enough to make her want a relationship with you, no, probably not. When you respond with "thanks" you are also being polite and indifferent, but you are not offering her any validation or confirmation of anything.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 (edited) 44 minutes ago, rjc149 said: I will disagree with the hypothesis that she's simply being polite and has zero interest in you at all. Women don't typically feel the urge to send polite messages to men they have zero interest in (unless she was married to you for many years and your life stories are inextricably intertwined, which I'm guessing is not the case). So there's some residual degree of interest -- whether it's enough to make her want a relationship with you, no, probably not. I have to disagree with you there. As women, we are conditioned into believing we need to be "nice" - and that includes to exes we know we hurt, particularly on an occasion like a birthday not long after we hurt them. Yes, even when there's zero lingering romantic interest. Some women of course will still have interest they're testing out, but plenty of others will have no problem sending an ex such a message with no further interest behind it. For someone who often opines on how women think or operate, I have to say you appear to have some significant gaps in actually understanding us ladies. Edited July 7, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 2
rjc149 Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I have to disagree with you there. As women, we are conditioned into believing we need to be "nice" - and that includes to exes we know we hurt, particularly on an occasion like a birthday not long after we hurt them. Yes, even when there's zero lingering romantic interest. Some women of course will still have interest they're testing out, but plenty of others will have no problem sending an ex such a message with no further interest behind it. For someone who often opines on how women think or operate, I have to say you appear to have some significant gaps in actually understanding us ladies. So, the conditioning to "be nice" means reaching out to someone you haven't had any interaction with in 2 months? The conditioning to be nice is really that strong? Nah. I don't buy it. If I have zero romantic interest in a girl, I'm not texting her. For any reason. And that's not a male/female thing. I think that's just really a human interaction thing. And I opine on women when giving advice to men who are dating women. I'm quite aware that women here really, really despise that. But I'd imagine if I were a woman giving advice to women on dating men, I'd opine on men. Or a gay man giving advice to gay men, I'd imagine I'd have some viewpoints and opinions on gay men. So maybe try to view my intentions offer dating advice to men as my intentions to help them on a dating advice forum, instead of seeing it as an affront on womanhood. Edited July 7, 2020 by rjc149
elaine567 Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 3 minutes ago, rjc149 said: So maybe try to view my intentions offer dating advice to men as my intentions to help them on a dating advice forum, instead of seeing it as an affront on womanhood. No, we as women don't see it as an affront to womanhood, we just see it as misleading and wrong. Why would be let it go, and let the man you are advising on "how woman are" be advised badly by you, when we as woman know that is unlikely to be true, or are we supposed to nod sagely in support even if we know it to be nonsense.... 9 minutes ago, rjc149 said: If I have zero romantic interest in a girl, I'm not texting her. For any reason. That is you, that is not "women".
rjc149 Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, elaine567 said: No, we as women don't see it as an affront to womanhood, we just see it as misleading and wrong. Why would be let it go, and let the man you are advising on "how woman are" be advised badly by you, when we as woman know that is unlikely to be true, or are we supposed to nod sagely in support even if we know it to be nonsense.... That is you, that is not "women". Can you cite a specific piece of advice I've given as misleading or wrong, or unhelpful? Is it the advice itself? Or the fact that me, a man, has the gumption to give advice on dating women? My advice here is that she sent the OP 'happy birthday' for the reasons I enumerated, and I feel it's unlikely that she reached out, out of the blue two months later, because she was simply being politely uninterested. Is that really sexist? Look Elaine, this is an advice forum. Advice is an attempt at general guidance. As such, generalizations and assumptions need to be made. That's the case with all advice. Short of adding a disclaimer on every reply I make with "not all women" or "most women" I can't account for every single individual perspective when offering general advice. If that offends you, so be it. I'm not interested in making everyone here happy. Edited July 7, 2020 by rjc149
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 28 minutes ago, rjc149 said: So, the conditioning to "be nice" means reaching out to someone you haven't had any interaction with in 2 months? The conditioning to be nice is really that strong? Yes. The rest of your post about saying Thanks & nothing more is valid.
elaine567 Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 3 minutes ago, rjc149 said: Short of adding a disclaimer on every reply I make with "not all women" or "most women" That would certainly help, and how most people get around that issue. Citing YOUR opinion on women or even men as "truth" is always going to be a problem.
rjc149 Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Yes. The rest of your post about saying Thanks & nothing more is valid. I would assume, and yes it is my personal assumption, that women will not reach out to men they have zero interest in, for any reason.
rjc149 Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: That would certainly help, and how most people get around that issue. Citing YOUR opinion on women or even men as "truth" is always going to be a problem. Maybe I'll just add it into my signature: "Most women, but not all women." So I don't have to bother typing it out every single time. It's always there. Good?
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 That may be your experience. But mine as a woman is that you be nice. Fresh after a break up many young women reach out to say Happy Birthday. I've done it when I was younger.
elaine567 Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 (edited) 2 minutes ago, rjc149 said: Maybe I'll just add it into my signature: "Most women, but not all women." So I don't have to bother typing it out every single time. It's always there. Good? Not really, as who actually reads the signature? Edited July 7, 2020 by elaine567 spacing
rjc149 Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: That may be your experience. But mine as a woman is that you be nice. Fresh after a break up many young women reach out to say Happy Birthday. I've done it when I was younger. I don't consider 2 months later to be recent. And I think the reasons I stated (assuaging guilt, wanting reassurance, testing temperature) are more likely reasons, in general, for an ex to initiate contact 2 months later to wish happy birthday, then the urge to be polite. That's what I'm saying.
rjc149 Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 3 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Not really, as who actually reads the signature? I wasn't really being serious. I'm allowed to offer advice and express unpopular viewpoints. You're allowed to have a problem with it.
rjc149 Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 The OP's ex simply being polite, but being totally and utterly uninterested in having any interaction or connection to her ex, in a possibility. I believe it's a much smaller possibility than other reasons, which I feel are more likely. If the OP is asking "why would she send birthday wishes?" concluding that "she's just being polite, it means nothing, forget it, she has no interest" is just as personally assumptive. I think 2 months of no contact later, her curiosity and interest has gone back up, and she's dipping her toe in the water. "Where has he been? What has he been up to? Does he still have feelings for me? Why has he been so silent?" The OP then sent a somewhat apologetic and needy reply. So she got her answer. Yep, temperature is still warm, he's still there. Getting her answer, she moved on. Hence, why in the future, a better response would be a simple "thanks."
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