Getting Mixed Signals About a Second Date, Is She Actually Interested? OLD)

[ryan89]

Preface this by saying I am not much of an OLD'er, all of my previous relationships we met offline.

I (M-30) met someone (F-31) for a Saturday dinner date after about a week of chatting (had to be an outdoor dinner date since that is pretty much all that is open ATM)

Long story short, date went really well and we were there pretty much all night, conversation was flowing and everything was going well, kissed for about 30 seconds or so after I walked her back to her place, she asked me to let her know I was back at my place and she responded very positively when I did. We text probably 3-5 times a day.

She had a vacation planned for a friend's wedding that she left for the following Wednesday (which was last week), and so I held back the texts for a few days once she landed so that I don't flood her vacation with messages. After about 3 days (day after the wedding) I sent a quick follow up just to see if she was enjoying her vacation, and she responded positively.

I then went to set up a date for when she got back and was settled in (which would have been this weekend), pick a time and location, but she said she was busy for Saturday, and so I suggested Sunday, and she said she was busy again and did not provide a date. I then said no problem, let me know a date when you are free and left it at that. Next day she apologizes for not replying earlier, and saying next weekend is a little crazy but she said we will make something work at some point (but did not offer a date). I replied (paraphrasing) no problem as I figured she had a lot going on, etc., and suggested we will be able to figure it out, perhaps on one of her off days (she doesn't have a consistent schedule so I don't know when her next off day is), and left it to her to help me out. This was early yesterday and I haven't heard anything back.

I could go into more detail, but based on this do you think she is still interested? I am not sure, but I am wondering why she would respond saying we will make something work but then not offer a new date. Thinking this one through too much or give this one up? I'm not going to send her another message anyway until she says something either way, but this first date went a lot better than any other I was on and am honestly over dating and want this to work haha.

Edited July 6, 2020 by ryan89

[Phallacy]

Your instincts are almost spot on. She’s flakey.

But more directly, she did not counter offer a date when she’s available.

IMHO, if a grown adult doesn’t know their schedule a week out, they’re either too disorganized, super busy or...really not interested. None are good.

I immediately back off all contact when no counter offer is produced.

Be grateful you didn’t get the worst response possible...’Can I take a rain check?’

Uh, no sweetie, you may not. 

[Giovane]

11 minutes ago, ryan89 said:

am honestly over dating and want this to work

This is a problem, because this is not how falling in love and starting a relationship works.

12 minutes ago, ryan89 said:

I'm not going to send her another message anyway until she says something either way

I agree that this is the right thing for you to do now, because a) it'll show you what's up and b) if there still is a chance, this is what will not make you look needy.

[d0nnivain]

Probably not.  She does know you are open to another date & she knows how to get in touch with you so I'd leave the ball in her court.  

Meanwhile you date others.  

[lurker74]

Energy has to match. If she declines twice, it should be on her to put the energy in. Otherwise you risk being the creepy guy that can't take a hint. But it still could work out. I am recently deeply in love with a woman I thought I'd never see after the first date because she canceled a Wednesday date and didn't text me again until Friday. I basically did what you did. Now, we are on the glide path to the next 40 years (or at LEAST 40 days). So sometimes things just come up.

[smackie9]

I know when I come back from vay cay, the work is left piled up for me. She probably has to get caught up, work extra hours, possibly from home. So I agree the ball is in her court, and you are still free to date others.

Edited July 6, 2020 by smackie9

[Hopeful30]

3 hours ago, Phallacy said:

Your instincts are almost spot on. She’s flakey.

But more directly, she did not counter offer a date when she’s available.

IMHO, if a grown adult doesn’t know their schedule a week out, they’re either too disorganized, super busy or...really not interested. None are good.

I immediately back off all contact when no counter offer is produced.

Be grateful you didn’t get the worst response possible...’Can I take a rain check?’

Uh, no sweetie, you may not. 

I second this. Whenever I am not interested in a second date, instead of rejecting the guy completely, I leave the next time 'open ended' and blame my busy schedule for not setting up a date.

The truth is, if I want to see him, I would have no problems making the time. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Maybe she is multi dating as you should be doing.

if a second date happens then it happens.  If not it was not meant to be.

 

[Maldives]

Definatley don't send any more texts 

Ball is in her court if she is interested she will reach out 

 

Did U meet her online on a dating app?

I find this happens alot too they really do suck they have created something unreal where people are presented with so many choices and it's like being Ina candy store. I've used em now on and off for a few yrs and I see the same girls still looking from yrs ago proving they don't really work and if they do it's like going thru so many dates to find a match 

Edited July 7, 2020 by Goodguy05

[Haerts]

She's not interested. 

Your best bet right now is to wait for her to schedule a date, if that ever happen.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I think she cooled off because you didn't text her for three solid days (not even a "did you get in all right?" ), after having seemed enthusiastic. Then after radio silence you were enthusiastic again. She may figure you're flakey, or you play make-her-wait games or something else. You were sort of hot-ignore-hot.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, Haerts said:

She's not interested. 

Your best bet right now is to wait for her to schedule a date, if that ever happen.

Yes, it definitely seems she cooled off. I think she lost interest.

[ryan89]

5 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I think she cooled off because you didn't text her for three solid days (not even a "did you get in all right?" ), after having seemed enthusiastic. Then after radio silence you were enthusiastic again. She may figure you're flakey, or you play make-her-wait games or something else. You were sort of hot-ignore-hot.

I didn't put it in the OP but I did send her a note when she landed about her getting in all right, but didn't hear a response.

[Roswell91]

9 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

Definatley don't send any more texts 

Ball is in her court if she is interested she will reach out 

 

Did U meet her online on a dating app?

I find this happens alot too they really do suck they have created something unreal where people are presented with so many choices and it's like being Ina candy store. I've used em now on and off for a few yrs and I see the same girls still looking from yrs ago proving they don't really work and if they do it's like going thru so many dates to find a match 

Same. I see matches from like a couple years ago. still couldnt find what they wanted. 

 

[Giovane]

It's either that, or they're fake profiles...

[Roswell91]

17 hours ago, ryan89 said:

Preface this by saying I am not much of an OLD'er, all of my previous relationships we met offline.

I (M-30) met someone (F-31) for a Saturday dinner date after about a week of chatting (had to be an outdoor dinner date since that is pretty much all that is open ATM)

Long story short, date went really well and we were there pretty much all night, conversation was flowing and everything was going well, kissed for about 30 seconds or so after I walked her back to her place, she asked me to let her know I was back at my place and she responded very positively when I did. We text probably 3-5 times a day.

She had a vacation planned for a friend's wedding that she left for the following Wednesday (which was last week), and so I held back the texts for a few days once she landed so that I don't flood her vacation with messages. After about 3 days (day after the wedding) I sent a quick follow up just to see if she was enjoying her vacation, and she responded positively.

I then went to set up a date for when she got back and was settled in (which would have been this weekend), pick a time and location, but she said she was busy for Saturday, and so I suggested Sunday, and she said she was busy again and did not provide a date. I then said no problem, let me know a date when you are free and left it at that. Next day she apologizes for not replying earlier, and saying next weekend is a little crazy but she said we will make something work at some point (but did not offer a date). I replied (paraphrasing) no problem as I figured she had a lot going on, etc., and suggested we will be able to figure it out, perhaps on one of her off days (she doesn't have a consistent schedule so I don't know when her next off day is), and left it to her to help me out. This was early yesterday and I haven't heard anything back.

I could go into more detail, but based on this do you think she is still interested? I am not sure, but I am wondering why she would respond saying we will make something work but then not offer a new date. Thinking this one through too much or give this one up? I'm not going to send her another message anyway until she says something either way, but this first date went a lot better than any other I was on and am honestly over dating and want this to work haha.

Personally i think if she wasnt interested in you she wouldn't have replied after you said to give you a date when free. She could have left it at that. But she got back to you and apologised and said you guys can make something work at some point.

Maybe shes busy with work or got other priorities  at the moment.

Having said all that you never  really know with people. 180s happen all the time too.

Therefore if i was you i would explore other options and let her get back to you if/when she wishes to

 

Edited July 7, 2020 by Roswell91

[Roswell91]

6 minutes ago, Giovane said:

It's either that, or they're fake profiles...

There are a lot of strange people online .

Takes a while to filter through the rubbish 

 

[Haerts]

7 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I think she cooled off because you didn't text her for three solid days (not even a "did you get in all right?" ), after having seemed enthusiastic. Then after radio silence you were enthusiastic again. She may figure you're flakey, or you play make-her-wait games or something else. You were sort of hot-ignore-hot.

I don't think so. I really don't believe people lose interest in someone that fast unless they're not really that interested to begin with.

Maybe something changed. Maybe she met someone else. Maybe she realized she doesn't want to date anyone right now. Maybe an ex came back? I don't know, there are so many reasons why she's not interested. But the fact is: she's not.

If she were, she would've scheduled a date by now. That's what people in general do when they want something, especially knowing the OP already messaged her a few times with no response.

[ryan89]

1 hour ago, Haerts said:

I don't think so. I really don't believe people lose interest in someone that fast unless they're not really that interested to begin with.

Maybe something changed. Maybe she met someone else. Maybe she realized she doesn't want to date anyone right now. Maybe an ex came back? I don't know, there are so many reasons why she's not interested. But the fact is: she's not.

If she were, she would've scheduled a date by now. That's what people in general do when they want something, especially knowing the OP already messaged her a few times with no response.

To be fair, I also have had an instance in dating where a woman sent me a reply 11 months (no joke) after our first date, and after I had suggested a second date; basically she got cold feet because of how busy she was with work and school even though she was really interested in me (my dad is friends with her parents and this is what he was told), and she knew that at that point she had probably blown it. I had lost interest at that point but just as an experience that I have seen these things happen 

Not sure if this is a similar occurrence because the girl I referenced in the OP had also shared with me before the trip how stressed she had been with work and school, and that before trips she always gets additional stress so who knows. I have been going on other dates during this time but I didn't really have any interest in any of them after the initial date, and haven't pursued any of them any further.

Edited July 7, 2020 by ryan89

[Roswell91]

5 minutes ago, ryan89 said:

To be fair, I also have had an instance in dating where a woman sent me a reply 11 months (no joke) after our first date, and after I had suggested a second date; basically she got cold feet because of how busy she was with work and school even though she was really interested in me (my dad is friends with her parents and this is what he was told), and she knew that she had blown it. I had lost interest at that point but just as an experience that I have seen these things happen 

Not sure if this is a similar occurrence because the girl I referenced in the OP had also shared with me before the trip how stressed she had been with work and school, and that before trips she always gets additional stress so who knows. I have been going on other dates during this time but I didn't really have any interest in any of them after the initial date, and haven't pursued any of them any further.

Let me guess this girl was the prettiest of all the dates

[Roswell91]

6 minutes ago, ryan89 said:

To be fair, I also have had an instance in dating where a woman sent me a reply 11 months (no joke) after our first date, and after I had suggested a second date; basically she got cold feet because of how busy she was with work and school even though she was really interested in me (my dad is friends with her parents and this is what he was told), and she knew that she had blown it. I had lost interest at that point but just as an experience that I have seen these things happen 

Not sure if this is a similar occurrence because the girl I referenced in the OP had also shared with me before the trip how stressed she had been with work and school, and that before trips she always gets additional stress so who knows. I have been going on other dates during this time but I didn't really have any interest in any of them after the initial date, and haven't pursued any of them any further.

That is basically what i said in my initial post.

Things can come up and people do get distracted.

But anyway i wouldnt wait around  for her longer than a couple of weeks before starting to talk to other women.

[ryan89]

2 minutes ago, Roswell91 said:

Let me guess this girl was the prettiest of all the dates

Lmao no I wouldn't say that although the girl in the OP is really pretty, the conversation and chemistry on the date was there (at least from my perspective anyway) where it wasn't on some of the others I have been on 

[Roswell91]

1 minute ago, ryan89 said:

Lmao no I wouldn't say that although the girl in the OP is really pretty, the conversation and chemistry on the date was there (at least from my perspective anyway) where it wasn't on some of the others I have been on 

I see.

 Well from what ive  seen from other threads, overall its about physical appearances. Especially OLD. 

 

[Ellener]

19 hours ago, Phallacy said:

.’Can I take a rain check?’

Uh, no sweetie, you may not. 

Sometimes people can. Depends what it is going on. I have a disaster history with timing! 

2 hours ago, Roswell91 said:

Takes a while to filter through the rubbish 

I don't want to call people rubbish? that's just a sign of not learning to accept others, who they are, where they're at??? I think basic respect is a pre-requisite for dating to be successful on any level. We just didn't align up is all. Not- they're crap!

And a solid sense of let's not take this too seriously yet....saying that the latest man I am talking to waiting to meet because of the pandemic- he visibly spends way too much time on match.com! I already asked him about it! and told him I only see one at a time!

[Roswell91]

10 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Sometimes people can. Depends what it is going on. I have a disaster history with timing! 

I don't want to call people rubbish? that's just a sign of not learning to accept others, who they are, where they're at??? I think basic respect is a pre-requisite for dating to be successful on any level. We just didn't align up is all. Not- they're crap!

And a solid sense of let's not take this too seriously yet....saying that the latest man I am talking to waiting to meet because of the pandemic- he visibly spends way too much time on match.com! I already asked him about it! and told him I only see one at a time!

I can call them that because I've had enough experience online to be able to say this

There  are a lot of weirdos, people who want their  ego stroked, those who lack common courtesy, ones who can't speak beyond using dirty and explicit words, those who go completely psycho after being asked perfectly reasonable questions.

And your man is another example . 

Edited July 7, 2020 by Roswell91