Guy I'm dating doesn't ask me questions

[lovesfool]

I've been kind of seeing a guy for a few months between virtual dating and a few in person dates. He's very nice, appears keen and is good looking to boot!

I've noticed recently though that he doesn't ask very many, if any, questions about me and my life. For example, if we were having a conversation about his job, I would be asking him about what hours he worked or what kind of projects he was working on. I would expect that he would follow up about my own career, but he never does. Any information he knows about me I seem to have to volunteer.

Another instance is when I went home to see my family for the first time in months. I asked him what he did for the day and followed up with more questions (he went to the gym so I asked what exercises he was doing etc.). While he did ask me how my day was, when I said I went to visit my family he just replied with "oh that's nice!". The conversation then moved on, but would have thought that he'd be interested to know how my family were, or what it was like to be away from them for so long.

Don't get me wrong, he's nice and he always asks me how my day was, but there doesn't seem to be any substance behind it. It almost seems like it's just a greeting and is not that interested in the details. I hope I don't have rose tinted glasses on and he turns out to be a narcissist! 

Is this something to be worried about or are some guys just like this?

[Maldives]

I know some friends who are like that  that if I don't carry the conversation it just dies out and then they make up some excuse as to why they have to go l..however if I talk about something I know they're interested in then they become more interactive. To be honest I don't have a clue what it is with this type of personality lol. Sorry not much help I would conclude that's just the way he is possibly 

[ExpatInItaly]

He sounds like he's either not a great conversationalist, or not that interested. 

When was the last time you had an in-person date? Do you sense that things are progressing, or has it stalled at this point?

[Fox Sake]

16 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I've been kind of seeing a guy for a few months between virtual dating and a few in person dates. He's very nice, appears keen and is good looking to boot!

I've noticed recently though that he doesn't ask very many, if any, questions about me and my life. For example, if we were having a conversation about his job, I would be asking him about what hours he worked or what kind of projects he was working on. I would expect that he would follow up about my own career, but he never does. Any information he knows about me I seem to have to volunteer.

Another instance is when I went home to see my family for the first time in months. I asked him what he did for the day and followed up with more questions (he went to the gym so I asked what exercises he was doing etc.). While he did ask me how my day was, when I said I went to visit my family he just replied with "oh that's nice!". The conversation then moved on, but would have thought that he'd be interested to know how my family were, or what it was like to be away from them for so long.

Don't get me wrong, he's nice and he always asks me how my day was, but there doesn't seem to be any substance behind it. It almost seems like it's just a greeting and is not that interested in the details. I hope I don't have rose tinted glasses on and he turns out to be a narcissist! 

Is this something to be worried about or are some guys just like this?

Some people just prefer talking about themselves. Maybe it’s a behaviour he isn’t aware of. Best thing you can do is ask him why he doesn’t seek out information unless it’s about himself. 
2 outcomes from that - he will reflect on his needs to talk about himself (hopefully), and secondly he may realise he needs to make more effort in asking questions and seeking information. 

[lovesfool]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He sounds like he's either not a great conversationalist, or not that interested. 

When was the last time you had an in-person date? Do you sense that things are progressing, or has it stalled at this point?

He seems to be very eager. It's a bit of a long distance relationship but always insists on making the effort to drive the long distance to meet me. Things are progressing well.

12 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Some people just prefer talking about themselves. Maybe it’s a behaviour he isn’t aware of. Best thing you can do is ask him why he doesn’t seek out information unless it’s about himself. 
2 outcomes from that - he will reflect on his needs to talk about himself (hopefully), and secondly he may realise he needs to make more effort in asking questions and seeking information. 

The third outcome I see from that is that he sees me as an overthinker (which I probably am) and it may put him off. I may have a legitimate reason for saying something, but in the early stages of dating it might seem a bit too much.

[Roswell91]

45 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I've been kind of seeing a guy for a few months between virtual dating and a few in person dates. He's very nice, appears keen and is good looking to boot!

I've noticed recently though that he doesn't ask very many, if any, questions about me and my life. For example, if we were having a conversation about his job, I would be asking him about what hours he worked or what kind of projects he was working on. I would expect that he would follow up about my own career, but he never does. Any information he knows about me I seem to have to volunteer.

Another instance is when I went home to see my family for the first time in months. I asked him what he did for the day and followed up with more questions (he went to the gym so I asked what exercises he was doing etc.). While he did ask me how my day was, when I said I went to visit my family he just replied with "oh that's nice!". The conversation then moved on, but would have thought that he'd be interested to know how my family were, or what it was like to be away from them for so long.

Don't get me wrong, he's nice and he always asks me how my day was, but there doesn't seem to be any substance behind it. It almost seems like it's just a greeting and is not that interested in the details. I hope I don't have rose tinted glasses on and he turns out to be a narcissist! 

Is this something to be worried about or are some guys just like this?

So the whole time you end up talking about him? Thats not a good sign in my view.

At the very  least he lacks manners/courtesy and doesn't know how to converse properly with a girl he is dating and a little bit selfish. Could also indicate a lack of interest. The worse end could indicate narcissism. But that's a whole other topic and will come with other traits which will be revealed eventually.

If im trying to be optimistic maybe it is simply  how he is and theres no agenda there, its his personality. But do you really want someone like that in your life for the long haul?

 

 

 

 

Edited July 6, 2020 by Roswell91

[Roswell91]

36 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

I know some friends who are like that  that if I don't carry the conversation it just dies out and then they make up some excuse as to why they have to go l..however if I talk about something I know they're interested in then they become more interactive. To be honest I don't have a clue what it is with this type of personality lol. Sorry not much help I would conclude that's just the way he is possibly 

They only care  about  themselves is all lol. 

[Fox Sake]

7 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

He seems to be very eager. It's a bit of a long distance relationship but always insists on making the effort to drive the long distance to meet me. Things are progressing well.

The third outcome I see from that is that he sees me as an overthinker (which I probably am) and it may put him off. I may have a legitimate reason for saying something, but in the early stages of dating it might seem a bit too much.

Sounds like things are going well  

I wouldn’t see it that way- you as an over thinker.  
The only reason I wrote what I wrote,  is because I too was guilty of doing that same thing once upon a time. Once it was pointed out to me and I was called out on my behaviour I had t seen, I made a conscious effort to ask more. Nowadays it’s okay but at the time I was pretty embarrassed when I realised just how “me met me” selfish it was. Sure I’ve had an interesting and different life, but that doesn’t make anyone else’s experiences or history any less interesting. 

[Blind-Sided]

I've known several people like that. They just aren't good at keeping the conversation going.  I don't think I could be with someone long term that is like that.  BUT... with that said... give it a little time to see if he loosens up some, and starts to talk. 

[schlumpy]

Does he have trouble holding a conversation about what you two did together on a date?

If he is more talkative about a shared experience then he should open up once more facets of your lives become intertwined.

 

[Roswell91]

1 minute ago, Blind-Sided said:

I've known several people like that. They just aren't good at keeping the conversation going.  I don't think I could be with someone long term that is like that.  BUT... with that said... give it a little time to see if he loosens up some, and starts to talk. 

They have known each other a few months already. . 

[lovesfool]

The funny thing about it all is that I don't notice it when I'm in the moment with him on dates. It's only afterwards when I think back that he didn't really ask about me. Conversation still flows and there's no awkward silences or anything like that.

It's much more noticeable when I'm messaging him. Probably because I have time to think about what he said and what I'm going to say back. I could be imagining it all for all I know, I just don't remember very many pointed questions to me. Maybe I should test my theory the next time I see him, ask him about his childhood or something and see if he reciprocates.

[chillii]

46 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Sounds like things are going well  

I wouldn’t see it that way- you as an over thinker.  
The only reason I wrote what I wrote,  is because I too was guilty of doing that same thing once upon a time. Once it was pointed out to me and I was called out on my behaviour I had t seen, I made a conscious effort to ask more. Nowadays it’s okay but at the time I was pretty embarrassed when I realised just how “me met me” selfish it was. Sure I’ve had an interesting and different life, but that doesn’t make anyone else’s experiences or history any less interesting. 

 

Same with my ex , very loving , caring , but it always seemed about her until l pointed it out. She just didn't seem to realize rather than it being self centered. She told me all kinds of stuff won't go into it but basically she just didn't seem to realize , anyway things changed a lot after that.

 

 

 

 

[Mrin]

Hmmmm.  Two things:

1. He just might be "like that". Which could mean anything from he's bad at conversation to completely self-absorbed. 

2. Or... When I think back about my own behavior with women, I am sometimes guilty of this when I'm not that interested or it is early days and I'm somewhat distracted (read - multidating). To be frank with you - when this has occurred in the past with me I noticed that it shifts once I've slept with them. For me, there is an "imprinting" that occurs with sex.

Hope this helps!

[girlinNYC]

I don't think it's an overly red flag - it's still early days. If it's bothering you, down the line you can politely raise it with him. But for now, just focus on spending time with one another and building a connection. As you connect more, more conversations will flow. 

[Roswell91]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

The funny thing about it all is that I don't notice it when I'm in the moment with him on dates. It's only afterwards when I think back that he didn't really ask about me. Conversation still flows and there's no awkward silences or anything like that.

It's much more noticeable when I'm messaging him. Probably because I have time to think about what he said and what I'm going to say back. I could be imagining it all for all I know, I just don't remember very many pointed questions to me. Maybe I should test my theory the next time I see him, ask him about his childhood or something and see if he 

Im only getting to know a guy, its even at earlier stages than your current situation.

On the phone, he obviously talked about himself but about 80% was him asking questions about me and my life. 

Also it is a sign someone is interested in you. 

But anyway you know best. You're  the one meeting the man after all. 

Edited July 6, 2020 by Roswell91

[smackie9]

Sounds like Chad from SNL.

[rjc149]

Some guys (and gals) enjoy basking in the validation of another person, with little to no thought of returning it. It may be lack of interest, but it seems like this guy is interested in you.

I used to be wooden and self-absorbed in conversation myself, because I'm an introvert. I'm preoccupied with myself, and what I'm thinking. The core of good conversation skill is to be genuinely curious about other people. Most people love talking about themselves, and the foundation of charm and charisma is to get other people to talk as if they're they only person in a room. That is something I had to learn and practice. 

[manfrombelow]

Based on the data given by the OP, I think the reason he doesn't ask you questions is simply because you have told him nearly everything.

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Is this something to be worried about or are some guys just like this?

In my experience, men who are like this are not invested in you and aren't interested in investing in you.

Don't invest your heart, dreams and devotion in someone who is only a one way street.

[Hopeful30]

5 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I've been kind of seeing a guy for a few months between virtual dating and a few in person dates. He's very nice, appears keen and is good looking to boot!

I've noticed recently though that he doesn't ask very many, if any, questions about me and my life. For example, if we were having a conversation about his job, I would be asking him about what hours he worked or what kind of projects he was working on. I would expect that he would follow up about my own career, but he never does. Any information he knows about me I seem to have to volunteer.

Another instance is when I went home to see my family for the first time in months. I asked him what he did for the day and followed up with more questions (he went to the gym so I asked what exercises he was doing etc.). While he did ask me how my day was, when I said I went to visit my family he just replied with "oh that's nice!". The conversation then moved on, but would have thought that he'd be interested to know how my family were, or what it was like to be away from them for so long.

Don't get me wrong, he's nice and he always asks me how my day was, but there doesn't seem to be any substance behind it. It almost seems like it's just a greeting and is not that interested in the details. I hope I don't have rose tinted glasses on and he turns out to be a narcissist! 

Is this something to be worried about or are some guys just like this?

If he doesn't ask questions, then he's not very interested in getting to know you. In my experience, men like this are dating you for personal gain (sex, companionship, boredom). 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Sounds like he doesn't plan on sticking around that long.

 

[Versacehottie]

I think there is also the very real thing that women (as girls) are generally conditioned to "wait until asked about themselves" and look for this reciprocal give and take in conversations and guys are more conditioned to just say what they've been up to etc.  Where it's a problem is that since he may have been conditioned like this, he's literally waiting for you to speak up about what's going on with you, specifically, in general all that.  Fight for your place in the conversational space if you will, which it remains to be seen if that will be unfulfilling because of how you've been conditioned.  My best advice is to speak up and distinctly tell stories about yourself.  Make them detailed (since he doesn't ask questions well).  

It's good practice anyway since as was said, many people are like your guy is and it creates a dynamic in all sorts of relationships if you "allow" this with people that are that way.  Makes you feel unheard, dismissed, overlooked, that the relationship is unbalanced. I think if he cares about you it will change in some ways--probably not fully or in the ways you expected but a way you may be fine with. Good luck

[stillafool]

Maybe he just doesn't want to talk about the things you bring up.  Try talking about sex and I bet he'll ask you questions.

[Calmandfocused]

Ugh! 
 

I had one date with a man like this about a year ish ago. He prattled on and on about himself all night and didn’t ask me one single question. I felt very much like he was talking at me rather than with me and even though there was no awkward silences, I was very bored. 
 

I’ve no idea if he was a narcissist or just socially inept but I didn’t care enough to find out- I was massively turned off. 
 

Op you have the patience of a saint! If you want to continue this that’s up to you. However just bear in mind that’s he’s not getting to know you. He’s getting to know himself. In which case I can’t see how this relationship will progress.