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Kissing and drinks with a former work colleague who is emotionally unavailable

richdeniro

By richdeniro
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richdeniro Member

richdeniro

Posted
Posted

Wasn't really sure where to post this but thought I'd go for this forum as it felt a bit like a first date, I'm not really sure if I'm looking for advice or it's just me having general wonder about something and thought I'd see what other peoples opinions are as I am a bit of an over-analyser.

Last week on Thursday I went to meet a former workmate who worked in the same office with for 3 months, we had always got on well and used to chat about things pretty easily, I found her attractive but knew she had a long term boyfriend so it was always just a minor crush. Anyway she had some of the companies property and due to lockdown was unable to return it, I offered to collect it from her as she only lives a short train journey from me. I know she broke up with her boyfriend around 4 months ago shortly before lockdown.

When I met her at the train station we decided to go for a wander around town as it was a nice sunny day, we ended up getting a couple of cans of gin & tonics from the local supermarket and drank them by in the local park - this then turned into three bottles of Prosecco over the course of the next few hours as we were getting on well and I guess having been in lockdown for three months we thought we'd make the most of it.

At some point during all this I kissed her and she kissed me back. This went on for quite a while and I told her I'd wanted to do that for months, she said it was so passionate and that I was an amazing kisser, she asked me if I had contraception (which I did) and then she told me she isn't emotionally available as she wasn't over her ex so I just assumed it would be sex or a fwb arrangement - I said no worries and we made our way back her place. For whatever reason she popped in to see her neighbour/friend and left me in her flat waiting on the sofa - she was gone for quite a while and when she got back I'm not sure if she sobered up or the alcohol had made her feel sick but we went to bed and basically passed out. My memory is very hazy.

I woke up the next morning in her bed alone and saw that she was in the spare room so checked she was ok which she was so I left her to sleep more and went back to her bed to sleep as we were both pretty hungover. We eventually both got up at around midday and I went downstairs where she had made me a coffee, we chatted for a while although it was mostly about work stuff and she asked if I wanted to use the shower - she walked me upstairs to show me how it worked and sorted me out with a spare towel. I don't really know why but I went to kiss her again and she kissed me back, it was quite passionate and then when we finished she went back downstairs and I took my shower.

When I came out the shower she said she'd arranged to meet a friend and was going to get ready, I took the hint and said I would head off then and asked if she wanted to see me again, she put her arms around me and gave me the biggest hug and said she did but 'not in that way', told me again how she wasn't over her ex and was sorry. I didn't want her to feel bad or anything like that so said to her all was cool and no worries whatsoever and to text me sometime, then left and now three days later haven't heard anything from her nor have I messaged her.

I just wondered what peoples thoughts were about the whole situation and was it just a drunken day/night thing and that I probably won't ever hear from her again? Should I text her and ask how she's doing or even apologise for if I made her uncomfortable at all?

I don't even know myself what I would want from the situation, I felt a little gutted over the weekend that I didn't hear from her and I am putting it down to feeling a bit rejected I suppose as the whole day felt like a first date that was going really really well. I know I'll get over it in a few days as we do but as I said before I do overthink things.

Thanks in advance.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

It's disappointing, but she's been clear that it won't be happening again. It sounds like she misses her ex and doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about her. The sober light of day made her realize she needed to clarify that it was a one-time deal. 

I therefore don't think reaching out again is a good idea, only because her feelings won't have changed. 

  • Like 2
Maldives Established Member

Maldives

Posted
Posted

I second what ExpatInItaly said. She's made it clear she's not interested I would let this one go 

  • Like 1
Roswell91 Established Member

Roswell91

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, richdeniro said:

Wasn't really sure where to post this but thought I'd go for this forum as it felt a bit like a first date, I'm not really sure if I'm looking for advice or it's just me having general wonder about something and thought I'd see what other peoples opinions are as I am a bit of an over-analyser.

Last week on Thursday I went to meet a former workmate who worked in the same office with for 3 months, we had always got on well and used to chat about things pretty easily, I found her attractive but knew she had a long term boyfriend so it was always just a minor crush. Anyway she had some of the companies property and due to lockdown was unable to return it, I offered to collect it from her as she only lives a short train journey from me. I know she broke up with her boyfriend around 4 months ago shortly before lockdown.

When I met her at the train station we decided to go for a wander around town as it was a nice sunny day, we ended up getting a couple of cans of gin & tonics from the local supermarket and drank them by in the local park - this then turned into three bottles of Prosecco over the course of the next few hours as we were getting on well and I guess having been in lockdown for three months we thought we'd make the most of it.

At some point during all this I kissed her and she kissed me back. This went on for quite a while and I told her I'd wanted to do that for months, she said it was so passionate and that I was an amazing kisser, she asked me if I had contraception (which I did) and then she told me she isn't emotionally available as she wasn't over her ex so I just assumed it would be sex or a fwb arrangement - I said no worries and we made our way back her place. For whatever reason she popped in to see her neighbour/friend and left me in her flat waiting on the sofa - she was gone for quite a while and when she got back I'm not sure if she sobered up or the alcohol had made her feel sick but we went to bed and basically passed out. My memory is very hazy.

I woke up the next morning in her bed alone and saw that she was in the spare room so checked she was ok which she was so I left her to sleep more and went back to her bed to sleep as we were both pretty hungover. We eventually both got up at around midday and I went downstairs where she had made me a coffee, we chatted for a while although it was mostly about work stuff and she asked if I wanted to use the shower - she walked me upstairs to show me how it worked and sorted me out with a spare towel. I don't really know why but I went to kiss her again and she kissed me back, it was quite passionate and then when we finished she went back downstairs and I took my shower.

When I came out the shower she said she'd arranged to meet a friend and was going to get ready, I took the hint and said I would head off then and asked if she wanted to see me again, she put her arms around me and gave me the biggest hug and said she did but 'not in that way', told me again how she wasn't over her ex and was sorry. I didn't want her to feel bad or anything like that so said to her all was cool and no worries whatsoever and to text me sometime, then left and now three days later haven't heard anything from her nor have I messaged her.

I just wondered what peoples thoughts were about the whole situation and was it just a drunken day/night thing and that I probably won't ever hear from her again? Should I text her and ask how she's doing or even apologise for if I made her uncomfortable at all?

I don't even know myself what I would want from the situation, I felt a little gutted over the weekend that I didn't hear from her and I am putting it down to feeling a bit rejected I suppose as the whole day felt like a first date that was going really really well. I know I'll get over it in a few days as we do but as I said before I do overthink things.

Thanks in advance.

You can apologise if you wish to. 

She probably saw it as a drunken day/night thing since the ex is clearly very much still on her mind. I wouldn't go thinking at this stage anything would happen. 

Sorry. 

 

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted (edited)

She was of two minds & she knows she doesn't have the emotional wherewithal to date or she may not like you like that but thought she was OK for some NSA fun but then she chickened out. 

I'd text her & say something pithy but don't say anything like you are sorry for making her feel awkward.  You want it to be upbeat & leave the door open.  I'd say something like 

Thursday was unexpected.  Thanks for letting me crash & the shower.  Maybe we can grab another drink again.  

If she calls you, great.  If she doesn't don't push.   She has point blank indicated that she's not interested but one attempt on your part would be OK.  Beyond one try is too much. 

Edited by d0nnivain
  • Like 1
girlinNYC Established Member

girlinNYC

Posted
Posted

If someone is emotionally unenviable, all they can offer is physical, superficial relationships. Don't bother trying to forge emotional bonds with someone who isn't in that headspace. It will only end up a mentally exhausting time for you. Keep it casual. 

lurker74 Established Member

lurker74

Posted
Posted

Sounds like a fun, wonderful day. And that's it. There is nothing wrong with a person getting a bit tipsy (or wasted) and wanting intimacy. People think that alcohol lowers your inhibitions but what it really does is make you myopic. You view everything in the short-term, which for her was great because she didn't want anything long-term with you. And if you leave it at that, you had a nice but completely unrepeatable day with her.

If you want to pursue it, just understand that if you chase her, she'll just pull away more. So give her the space and don't chase. And maybe next time you hang out, she'll be more interested if you are a bit more circumspect. You can be totally interested in a woman but if you display it too much, at least early on, it can be a big turn off. So be open but not solicitous. And recognize that the next time you hang out, it may be literally just friends. If you can't fathom being just friends, please don't hang out as you'll just be a typical orbiter to her.

  • Like 2
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted

i think it's too soon too tell really.  Just keep the space she needs and if it comes up naturally, then it's ok to be in touch in a friendly way now and then. Hopefully she will as well. If you push for anything, she will be gone totally.  Play the "long" game and be patient.  Date others cause this one is not going to be ready for a while I would guess, if at all.  I don't think it's impossible though--it may be but it's not a foregone conclusion.  You need more information (and time/space). Good luck

Realitysux Established Member

Realitysux

Posted
Posted
13 hours ago, richdeniro said:

Wasn't really sure where to post this but thought I'd go for this forum as it felt a bit like a first date, I'm not really sure if I'm looking for advice or it's just me having general wonder about something and thought I'd see what other peoples opinions are as I am a bit of an over-analyser.

Last week on Thursday I went to meet a former workmate who worked in the same office with for 3 months, we had always got on well and used to chat about things pretty easily, I found her attractive but knew she had a long term boyfriend so it was always just a minor crush. Anyway she had some of the companies property and due to lockdown was unable to return it, I offered to collect it from her as she only lives a short train journey from me. I know she broke up with her boyfriend around 4 months ago shortly before lockdown.

When I met her at the train station we decided to go for a wander around town as it was a nice sunny day, we ended up getting a couple of cans of gin & tonics from the local supermarket and drank them by in the local park - this then turned into three bottles of Prosecco over the course of the next few hours as we were getting on well and I guess having been in lockdown for three months we thought we'd make the most of it.

At some point during all this I kissed her and she kissed me back. This went on for quite a while and I told her I'd wanted to do that for months, she said it was so passionate and that I was an amazing kisser, she asked me if I had contraception (which I did) and then she told me she isn't emotionally available as she wasn't over her ex so I just assumed it would be sex or a fwb arrangement - I said no worries and we made our way back her place. For whatever reason she popped in to see her neighbour/friend and left me in her flat waiting on the sofa - she was gone for quite a while and when she got back I'm not sure if she sobered up or the alcohol had made her feel sick but we went to bed and basically passed out. My memory is very hazy.

I woke up the next morning in her bed alone and saw that she was in the spare room so checked she was ok which she was so I left her to sleep more and went back to her bed to sleep as we were both pretty hungover. We eventually both got up at around midday and I went downstairs where she had made me a coffee, we chatted for a while although it was mostly about work stuff and she asked if I wanted to use the shower - she walked me upstairs to show me how it worked and sorted me out with a spare towel. I don't really know why but I went to kiss her again and she kissed me back, it was quite passionate and then when we finished she went back downstairs and I took my shower.

When I came out the shower she said she'd arranged to meet a friend and was going to get ready, I took the hint and said I would head off then and asked if she wanted to see me again, she put her arms around me and gave me the biggest hug and said she did but 'not in that way', told me again how she wasn't over her ex and was sorry. I didn't want her to feel bad or anything like that so said to her all was cool and no worries whatsoever and to text me sometime, then left and now three days later haven't heard anything from her nor have I messaged her.

I just wondered what peoples thoughts were about the whole situation and was it just a drunken day/night thing and that I probably won't ever hear from her again? Should I text her and ask how she's doing or even apologise for if I made her uncomfortable at all?

I don't even know myself what I would want from the situation, I felt a little gutted over the weekend that I didn't hear from her and I am putting it down to feeling a bit rejected I suppose as the whole day felt like a first date that was going really really well. I know I'll get over it in a few days as we do but as I said before I do overthink things.

Thanks in advance.

I like the title of this post 

  • Like 1
Mystery4u Established Member

Mystery4u

Posted
Posted (edited)

Really it all depends on what you are looking for from her.

A serious relationship? No chance, she's already told you she is not interested in you like that. Don't contact her.

A bit of sexual fun now she's single again? Possibly, but you need to make that sexual interest clear so contact her ASAP. Something like "Hey I enjoyed our time together the other night. The kissing was great, but I'm also gifted with my tongue in other ways and I'm not talking about in your mouth 😉 Let's meet up on the weekend?"

She doesn't see you as potential relationship material, so it's either friend material or sexual material. Off course being in the friendzone would be a waste of time so if you think you can have fun with her without developing feelings, then show her the sexual side you have to offer and let her make the decision.

Let us know what happens.

Edited by Mystery4u
CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

 

A bit of sexual fun now she's single again? Possibly, but you need to make that sexual interest clear so contact her ASAP. Something like "Hey I enjoyed our time together the other night. The kissing was great, but I'm also gifted with my tongue in other ways and I'm not talking about in your mouth 😉 Let's meet up on the weekend?"

 

😳

Dude.

Mystery4u Established Member

Mystery4u

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

😳

Dude.

What? Did you miss the part where she asked him if he had contraception? So clearly she has sex on her mind, why would he not fulfil her needs if that's what she's looking for? If she's game then a message along those lines would get her excited and want to see him again.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

A bit of sexual fun now she's single again? Possibly, but you need to make that sexual interest clear so contact her ASAP. Something like "Hey I enjoyed our time together the other night. The kissing was great, but I'm also gifted with my tongue in other ways and I'm not talking about in your mouth 😉 Let's meet up on the weekend?"

No, please don't do this. 

As a woman, that would turn me right off, coming from a guy I've just Friend-zoned. And even if I hadn't Friend-zoned him? A line like that is not what would get my excited. She clearly wasn't into it once she had sobered up, so you would be wise to heed that and not send sexually-charged messages. 

Edited by ExpatInItaly
  • Like 1
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

What? Did you miss the part where she asked him if he had contraception? So clearly she has sex on her mind, why would he not fulfil her needs if that's what she's looking for? If she's game then a message along those lines would get her excited and want to see him again.

It's been my experience that those who go boasting about their sexual skills are not up to scratch when it comes to the crunch.   They are all bravado and no skill.

Also, "do you have contraception?" is practical.  A description of what he wants to do with his tongue is crass if they don't have history of flirting in that manner.  

 

Giovane Established Member

Giovane

Posted
Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

"Hey I enjoyed our time together the other night. The kissing was great, but I'm also gifted with my tongue in other ways and I'm not talking about in your mouth 😉 Let's meet up on the weekend?"

That's just awful. Yes, she did have sex on her mind at one point, but that was in a romantic setting, with him being physically present, flirty eyes, passionate kisses, alcohol and everything. A text message without that context, in cold daylight? He'll be lucky if she doesn't block him!

Apologizing for making her feel bad is also awful, no need to turn a good experience into something to be ashamed of.

I agree that if you need to write anything at all (and maybe you shouldn't), it has to be upbeat.

19 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Thursday was unexpected.  Thanks for letting me crash & the shower.  Maybe we can grab another drink again.  

I liked that! But I think it only works well if you send it the very next day, or two days at most. Once that moment has passed, I think your best bet is to back off and maybe text her something in a month or so.

Edited by Giovane
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

I don't think she is interested at all.
The drink kicked in and she toyed with the idea of sex, but
1) She ducked out by going to see the neighbour/friend, deliberately "ruining the moment"
2) She "passed out" on the bed,
3) She took herself off to the  spare room to avoid anything happening in the morning.
4) She put up with some  kissing again but stopped...
5) She made the excuse she had to go out and effectively kicked the OP out saying she did not want to see him again "in that way".
6) Now she is MIA.
 

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richdeniro Member

richdeniro

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Yep that pretty much sums it up.

Don't worry, I have no intention of sending her a creepy sexually charged message, I'm just going to leave it now. 

  • Like 2
Roswell91 Established Member

Roswell91

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Really it all depends on what you are looking for from her.

A serious relationship? No chance, she's already told you she is not interested in you like that. Don't contact her.

A bit of sexual fun now she's single again? Possibly, but you need to make that sexual interest clear so contact her ASAP. Something like "Hey I enjoyed our time together the other night. The kissing was great, but I'm also gifted with my tongue in other ways and I'm not talking about in your mouth 😉 Let's meet up on the weekend?"

She doesn't see you as potential relationship material, so it's either friend material or sexual material. Off course being in the friendzone would be a waste of time so if you think you can have fun with her without developing feelings, then show her the sexual side you have to offer and let her make the decision.

Let us know what happens.

Are you serious.

That's like the worst message he could possibly send her. 😂. Especially whilst she's hung up on her ex

 

  • Like 2
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richdeniro Member

richdeniro

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Lol it's the type of response I would expect to see on a bodybuilding or pistonshead forum.  It really isn't me, I am not an alpha male and one of the things she said she liked about was that I am kind and gentle.

  • Like 1
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
37 minutes ago, richdeniro said:

Lol it's the type of response I would expect to see on a bodybuilding or pistonshead forum.  It really isn't me, I am not an alpha male and one of the things she said she liked about was that I am kind and gentle.

That's good. That sort of message is so cringe-worthy and not at all sexy. 

You're wise to just leave this one be. 

 

  • Like 2
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

What? Did you miss the part where she asked him if he had contraception? So clearly she has sex on her mind, why would he not fulfil her needs if that's what she's looking for? If she's game then a message along those lines would get her excited and want to see him again.

Some sexual innuendo may be OK but your word choice about tongue is just vulgar & a huge turn off. 

She was into it in the moment while intoxicated but then changed her mind & didn't go through with it.  Crude words in the harsh light of day will have her blocking him in a heartbeat. 

  • Like 1
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richdeniro Member

richdeniro

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I think she added me to her restricted list on Facebook yesterday or today so I guess I can definitely write off ever hearing from her again. 

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