Destini Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 I had been dating this guy. Who I cared about a lot. I still do, but I had to part ways. So much I did anything for him. He’s an artist who does tattoos so when he asked me to get him a tattoo kit so that he could do them on others to make some money I bought it. Called myself investing in his dream. He also didn’t have a car and I don’t drive so I let him use my Lyft and Uber account to get around. He asked for air pods, I got them. He would want to go shopping and ask for money I would let him use my debit card or take money out. I did all that not wanting anything in return. He can be a gentleman. Opening doors, never letting me walk on the wrong side of the street, holding my hand when crossing the street but he has a temper and recently he put his hands on me because of his own insecurities and I stayed the night at his house after he did it when I should have left the same night instead I stayed. Pondered on it. We Kissed and said goodbye the next morning because regardless like I said, I did and do still have feelings for him but I knew that I knew better than to let a guy hit me over pretty much nothing. So I got home and ended things but not harshly and it wasn’t even necessarily a break up. Me just saying that I care about him but I can’t continue to put up with him, his temper and now him putting his hands on me. That it was becoming overwhelming All he said was “Ok”’so I figured he didn’t care like I did anyway. A day goes by I get text from him asking if I needed any money. It was so random, I was confused but I told him I didn’t need any money. Another Day goes by and I get a message of a screenshot he took of his bank account with a nice deposit and he says “This is what you could have got had you stayed down for me. All you had to do was trust me. All I needed was someone to talk to and you turned your back on me.” Now anything I did for him it wasn’t to get something in return which is what I told him when he sent the screenshot and I realized why he asked what he asked the day before. Once again I turned down the money and I wished him the best in his life and he just goes “Whatever.” I have been trying to get an expensive possession back that I left at his house but he won’t even respond to my text. I even sent a random hey text just to get him to say anything so I could get what it back, still nothing. It’s like he insinuated that me not tolerating abuse or disrespect meant I wasn’t “down” for him despite all I did, which I still have never rubbed in his face, and now he’s upset at me and I can’t get my things returned.
Hopeful30 Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 That's how abusers manipulate you. All I can say is if you don't feel good, listen to those feelings and get away from what perpetuates them. 4
Fox Sake Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 (edited) @destiny I’m so sorry. Take heed. You’ve just had your warning shot. This guy has no respect for you. Nor for himself. His life clearly revolves around money and he used you financially and then got physical with you. He is a ticking time bomb with absolutely zero regard for your feelings other than to manipulate the way you feel to his own advantage. You sound like you’ve a massive heart and he sounds incredibly selfish. Now he’s trying to rub salt into the wound and make you feel like you’re the one at fault. Stay away. Edited July 4, 2020 by Fox Sake Spelling 3
Fox Sake Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 P.s if you want your stuff back, you call the police and they will escort you there on the basis that he’s at risk of hurting you and holding your belongings. Then you block him and move on with your life and meet someone amazing 5
smackie9 Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 (edited) That is the cycle of abuse..gaslighting, manipulation, diverting blame, laying guilt trips....it's all to beat your self confidence down so they can control you, and make you depend on them. Step 1) cut your losses, they are just things. He is using them as bait to get you back to manipulate you more. Step 2) Block/delete/no contact. Get out of his clutches of manipulation, by blocking him on all social media, IM, email, your number, etc. Delete everything of him. If he comes to your door call the police and issue harassment charges. Remember most abusers are narcissists. They can't stand losing to anyone especially you. Edited July 4, 2020 by smackie9 3
kendahke Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Destini said: I knew that I knew better than to let a guy hit me over pretty much nothing. You mean you know better than to let a guy hit you--period. Doesn't matter what the issue is-there is no excuse for him hitting you. If what you had was expensive, I hope you had it insured. If not, consider it gone unless you're going to go as far as what Fox Sake says. This is how abusers keep the hook in the target's cheek. Go watch some Derrick Jaxn videos--he addresses men who think it's OK to abuse women and then try to call it "holding them down". No. That's not how that works. At. All. He's got you effed up. Edited July 4, 2020 by kendahke 1
Author Destini Posted July 4, 2020 Author Posted July 4, 2020 6 minutes ago, kendahke said: it Yea I get it and I already know how toxic he is on top of abusive he’s ignoring me because I’m asking for my things back but if I were to text him something like “Can we talk in person.” He’ll respond just because he knows I’m coming over and that’s what he wants but I’m probably just gonna take my losses with the watch. I can always get another one. 2
Roswell91 Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 1 hour ago, Destini said: I had been dating this guy. Who I cared about a lot. I still do, but I had to part ways. So much I did anything for him. He’s an artist who does tattoos so when he asked me to get him a tattoo kit so that he could do them on others to make some money I bought it. Called myself investing in his dream. He also didn’t have a car and I don’t drive so I let him use my Lyft and Uber account to get around. He asked for air pods, I got them. He would want to go shopping and ask for money I would let him use my debit card or take money out. I did all that not wanting anything in return. He can be a gentleman. Opening doors, never letting me walk on the wrong side of the street, holding my hand when crossing the street but he has a temper and recently he put his hands on me because of his own insecurities and I stayed the night at his house after he did it when I should have left the same night instead I stayed. Pondered on it. We Kissed and said goodbye the next morning because regardless like I said, I did and do still have feelings for him but I knew that I knew better than to let a guy hit me over pretty much nothing. So I got home and ended things but not harshly and it wasn’t even necessarily a break up. Me just saying that I care about him but I can’t continue to put up with him, his temper and now him putting his hands on me. That it was becoming overwhelming All he said was “Ok”’so I figured he didn’t care like I did anyway. A day goes by I get text from him asking if I needed any money. It was so random, I was confused but I told him I didn’t need any money. Another Day goes by and I get a message of a screenshot he took of his bank account with a nice deposit and he says “This is what you could have got had you stayed down for me. All you had to do was trust me. All I needed was someone to talk to and you turned your back on me.” Now anything I did for him it wasn’t to get something in return which is what I told him when he sent the screenshot and I realized why he asked what he asked the day before. Once again I turned down the money and I wished him the best in his life and he just goes “Whatever.” I have been trying to get an expensive possession back that I left at his house but he won’t even respond to my text. I even sent a random hey text just to get him to say anything so I could get what it back, still nothing. It’s like he insinuated that me not tolerating abuse or disrespect meant I wasn’t “down” for him despite all I did, which I still have never rubbed in his face, and now he’s upset at me and I can’t get my things returned. Hes a manipulator. He was trying to reel you back into his clutches so he can abuse you some more. Never go back. And do not message him under any circumstances or reply. 3
DKT3 Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 This comment is a bit concerning to me "I knew better than to let a guy hit me over pretty much nothing" You do know that you should never be hit in a relationship, there are no qualifiers. No reason that warrant a man putting his hands on you violently. If someone puts their hands on you the relationship is broken. There is nothing to feel guilty about 3
Author Destini Posted July 4, 2020 Author Posted July 4, 2020 47 minutes ago, kendahke said: You mean you know better than to let a guy hit you--period. Doesn't matter what the issue is-there is no excuse for him hitting you. If what you had was expensive, I hope you had it insured. If not, consider it gone unless you're going to go as far as what Fox Sake says. This is how abusers keep the hook in the target's cheek. Go watch some Derrick Jaxn videos--he addresses men who think it's OK to abuse women and then try to call it "holding them down". No. That's not how that works. At. All. He's got you effed up. 29 minutes ago, DKT3 said: This comment is a bit concerning to me "I knew better than to let a guy hit me over pretty much nothing" You do know that you should never be hit in a relationship, there are no qualifiers. No reason that warrant a man putting his hands on you violently. If someone puts their hands on you the relationship is broken. There is nothing to feel guilty about Yea I did word that wrong. I’m glad I left and like I said in the post anything that I did for him came from the heart and I never expected anything in return and that’s essentially why I turned his offer down and didn’t give in to what he was trying to do but if he cared for me like I did him, unfortunately, he wouldn’t have hit me for one and even when I turned down the money he would have said something like “Well the option still stands even if you don’t want to be with me.” Or something like that or he would at least randomly just found a way to give me the money, with cashapp and everything, he would have sent it regardless of me saying no if he really cared on top of the abuse his reaction after and about the money proved just how much he didn’t.
Versacehottie Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 i remember your story though not sure that it is the same guy--maybe they are both jerks/losers? Anyway you probably knew and anyone you would have asked would have said it wasn't going to be easy. You are doing the right thing. This is just part of the hard part. He's just trying to manipulate you. manipulating people will try another tactic when the original way to reel you back in isn't working. Cut your losses and keep away from him.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 5, 2020 Posted July 5, 2020 Abusers are very "sophisticated." They hone their skills over time ... and they don't just hit ... they hit ... and then say they're sorry ... or hit ... and cry ... and then gently through body language hint (rarely say) that they won't hit again ... They hit and say they love you ... that's all part of the manipulation ... what you're feeling (any guilt) is because unfortunately you are further into the relationship than you might have thought ... and so your brain system is accustomed to taking seriously what he thinks ... it's just a brain lag ... a human brain gap that abusers know how to exploit. You need to go back in time when he was first abusive ... psychologically so ... and you need to go back in time and notice when he coerced you into agreeing with him, with his idea, his plan ... abusers run tests from the very start of a relationship ... This is not your fault. I'm not suggesting that anymore than getting mugged is someone's fault. What I'm saying is that there are little safety steps you can take ... and one them early on is to pay attention to when a man bullies you. His hitting you was not the first time he did something strange ... and weird ... that felt really bad in your body.
LynneVicious Posted July 5, 2020 Posted July 5, 2020 You 100% did the right thing. Good for you for sticking to your boundaries. if he doesn’t respond to your texts about retrieving your property, tell him he can either give it to a friend, or bring the police to escort you when you know he’s home. be warned, he will probably try to use this piece of property as a way to worm his way back in. Better yet, if you can do without it, let it go.
Author Destini Posted July 5, 2020 Author Posted July 5, 2020 3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Abusers are very "sophisticated." They hone their skills over time ... and they don't just hit ... they hit ... and then say they're sorry ... or hit ... and cry ... and then gently through body language hint (rarely say) that they won't hit again ... They hit and say they love you ... that's all part of the manipulation ... what you're feeling (any guilt) is because unfortunately you are further into the relationship than you might have thought ... and so your brain system is accustomed to taking seriously what he thinks ... it's just a brain lag ... a human brain gap that abusers know how to exploit. You need to go back in time when he was first abusive ... psychologically so ... and you need to go back in time and notice when he coerced you into agreeing with him, with his idea, his plan ... abusers run tests from the very start of a relationship ... This is not your fault. I'm not suggesting that anymore than getting mugged is someone's fault. What I'm saying is that there are little safety steps you can take ... and one them early on is to pay attention to when a man bullies you. His hitting you was not the first time he did something strange ... and weird ... that felt really bad in your body. You’re right about the showing signs prior part one time we were having a debate which was calm on my end but he was yelling so a chain reaction I yelled back and goes “Who do you think you’re yelling at? Don’t raise your voice at me.” When he was literally yelling at me first and once before he actually hit me seriously he shoved me once and I shoved him back and goes “Don’t you ever hit back. Ever again in your life.” So yea. Signs were there. I suppose I cared too much and was in too deep to pay attention and leave sooner.
Calmandfocused Posted July 5, 2020 Posted July 5, 2020 (edited) He makes you feel guilty because he can. He’s a master manipulator- a person who can twist things around to make him look like the victim. Fact: He is physically emotionally abusive. Fact: He has used you financially. Fact: He cannot accept responsibility for his actions. Fact: He will never change. Make sure you remember the facts as I can 100% guarantee you that he will gaslight you to make you believe differently. Do not under any circumstances continue to support him financially. Well done for finishing with this guy. I know first hand that this is very difficult to do. Unfortunately you must write off your expensive possessions and all the money he owes you. Instead go no contact and start your journey of recovery. All things considered it’s a small price to pay for your freedom, your sanity and your life. Edited July 5, 2020 by Calmandfocused
deepthinking Posted July 5, 2020 Posted July 5, 2020 be glad to be out before you had his babies sheesh
balletomane Posted July 6, 2020 Posted July 6, 2020 First of all, Destini, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I was in an abusive relationship for two years, and therapy taught me a lot about the dynamics of abuse that weren't obvious to me at the time. I think you too are struggling to recognise things. For example, anyone who accepts expensive and/or habitual presents from you has poor boundaries and is emotionally immature at best, especially if the relationship is new, as I'm getting the sense yours was. At worst they are taking advantage of you, as was the case here. Gift-giving can be a kind generous thing to do, but if you look at couples in positive relationships, it starts happening once people have a sense of each other's personalities (so they know the gift truly suits their partner!), it isn't financially excessive, and it's equal. One person constantly asking for money to shop, Air Pods, and Lyft rides is not the same thing. This is exploitative. A decent man would never have asked you for those things. Secondly, holding doors is just a gesture. It costs nothing. Abusive men can hold doors for women and it doesn't make them better people. You seem to be setting huge store by little things like that, while minimising major things like lavishing so much money on this man and him hitting you. You wrote that he hit you "because of his insecurities". When I talked about my ex-partner's behaviour I too used to add in details that I thought excused him or made the situation more understandable, and it took me a long time to break free of that habit. It does not matter why he hit you. It does not matter whether or not he's insecure. All that matters is that he did hit you, he did emotionally and financially abuse you, and you need to stay away from him. Now he's trying to guilt you to come back by acting as if you let him down when "he only needed someone to talk to". If that was all he needed, he wouldn't have been accepting tattoo kits, Air Pods, Lyft rides, and endless shopping money. If that was all he needed, he'd go to a counsellor. This was not a relationship of equals, it was abuse and exploitation. I have a horrible feeling you may be tempted to go back to him, as this is common for victims who struggle to recognise the extent of the abuse. Get support from friends if you can, and stay well away.
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