LoraLei Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 So guy and I met back in February through a mutual friend and it was a nice, chill hang. He wanted to hang out on several occasions but I kept declining due to schedule conflicts and we just never really talked much. Fast forward to quarantine during April-May, he messages and asks if I'm okay during this time. We chit chat a bit and actually get to know each other for a few weeks. We talk about socially distancing and how he's been self-quarantining the past few months b/c he falls under the "at-risk" group but he still does walks around his neighborhood with safety in mind. He asks if I'd join and I say sure on a day where I'm not working from home remotely. We go on a walk at a park and we find out we have a lot more in common than we thought. We then just started talking more and every now and then would hang. Sometimes it was in person, or sometimes it was streaming and playing a game online together. Eventually we made 2 lists of things to look forward to: "Things to do when it's not COVID" and "Things to do that are safe during COVID." During these hangs it was generally nice to hang out as friends and it was one of the I guess most chill and non-anxious moments I've had throughout quarantine so it was refreshing. We hang out a few more times (while still being COVID conscious) and just slowly start to get closer. First it was just a simple hug, then just a bit of cuddling but nothing beyond that. Small compliments here and there. One day during a hang, we end up talking about past relationships and like perspectives on it. I talk about how I view relationships and he agreed the same and I emphasized chemistry. He chimes in and goes "I think we have chemistry? Honestly, I've had this connection with one other person and it didn't really work out, but I'm down to try with you?" I mutually agreed. We talked about how casual was out of the question. Then before leaving, we planned next hang to be a drive-in movie theater and I guess we were on the same page about feelings. He said "I probably should've asked you this 2 hangs ago, but wanna make this one a date?" and I said "Sure I wouldn't mind trying it out." Date night happens (In June before the second spike in cases rises and things slowly open), we get close in the car in that (somehow) we're basically spooning and watching 2 movies back to back. He plants in a few pecks here and there and tickles me for the heck of it. We had fun together and I guess like with how things were progressing, I just wanted to ask where we're at so there was no confusion. "What are we?" Him: "We're taking it slow." Me: "Alright! got it, mega slow." Then we just proceed as we were during the movie. We had a great time, kind of had an idea of what to do for second hang, but had to keep rescheduling since he got busy. His responses started becoming less frequent and I got anxious. "Maybe I misread the whole thing and it wasn't a nice time?" He then lets me know a week post date that before he hung out with me, he hung out with a friend who tested positive for COVID. He wasn't showing any symptoms but he was still getting tested and just in case told me to get tested. We both ended up testing negative which was a big relief. I ask again of "If and when you wanna hang or like virtually hang?" No response. Then with everything going on in the world + work, it just built up a lot of stress for me this week. At this point in our relationship I just had the mentality of "Ok. we're just in the free-trial period. Non-committal. We're still friends just testing the waters and unless he tells me straight up (which I disclosed when we had our talk), we're just friends." So with other friends also being stressed I decide to take on a side project of writing letters to them. Generally with "Hey, I appreciate you, and here are reasons why." It was good to get my anxiety out. I send guy his letter of appreciation. From what I recall, I never really mentioned anything about being "exclusive" and all that jazz. It was more so "Hey you're a nice person and it's been really fun hanging out with you. I hope youre doing well, and whenever time allows we should tackle the next thing on our "Safe to do" List." I know at this time I started having feelings develop, but I never explicitly confessed it b/c it's still early you know? Then I get a text yesterday from him saying "Hey I just got your letter. I appreciate the time you put into it, but I dont think we're obviously on the same page. To be clear, I consider us friends. Not Bf/gf. Yes we had a date, and had a good time but that does not mean we're a couple. Moving forward I view you as a friend and a friend only and Im sorry if I came off a certain way. I wish you the best." So- the small pang in my chest that i thought were feelings just ended up being nipped in the bud and crushed. I dont know if he actually wants to be friends anymore or if he's just being nice to say he's exiting the conversation. Plus I never explicitly said "Hey we're a couple now." So I was mad that he didn't think I knew we were on the same page while still being sad. I respond back that "hey I'm sorry but I think my intentions were misinterpreted with the letter. I really just wanted to show appreciation with friends by sending letters and I didn't mean to offend. I know that night when you said slow, you meant SLOW. I probably should have proofread yours more clearly while considering the position I'm in, but I'm sorry for the misconception but regardless, thank you for defining the lines." I end my response with "Do you mean actually be friend friends? If you're uncomfortable with even hanging out, you can just let me know. You don't need to sugar coat "be friends" when you mean you just want to ghost." and that's where we are now. Honestly at the moment I'm a bit heartbroken at the "potential see where it goes" road and I liked hanging out with him as a friend. Altogether it just feels like I ruined it. I don't know if anything really made sense but I just feel rather awful and I'm not sure of what to do? 1
Acacia98 Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 Don't rush to blame yourself. He is the one who said you guys had chemistry and should go on a date. That doesn't sound like friendship to me. Sounds like he changed his mind for whatever reason. It sucks, but at least he actually responded to your letter and gave you a response that let you know you should move on. So, down the road, if you do meet someone else and you like him, you are free to date without wondering about this guy. 5
Hopeful30 Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 30 minutes ago, LoraLei said: So guy and I met back in February through a mutual friend and it was a nice, chill hang. He wanted to hang out on several occasions but I kept declining due to schedule conflicts and we just never really talked much. Fast forward to quarantine during April-May, he messages and asks if I'm okay during this time. We chit chat a bit and actually get to know each other for a few weeks. We talk about socially distancing and how he's been self-quarantining the past few months b/c he falls under the "at-risk" group but he still does walks around his neighborhood with safety in mind. He asks if I'd join and I say sure on a day where I'm not working from home remotely. We go on a walk at a park and we find out we have a lot more in common than we thought. We then just started talking more and every now and then would hang. Sometimes it was in person, or sometimes it was streaming and playing a game online together. Eventually we made 2 lists of things to look forward to: "Things to do when it's not COVID" and "Things to do that are safe during COVID." During these hangs it was generally nice to hang out as friends and it was one of the I guess most chill and non-anxious moments I've had throughout quarantine so it was refreshing. We hang out a few more times (while still being COVID conscious) and just slowly start to get closer. First it was just a simple hug, then just a bit of cuddling but nothing beyond that. Small compliments here and there. One day during a hang, we end up talking about past relationships and like perspectives on it. I talk about how I view relationships and he agreed the same and I emphasized chemistry. He chimes in and goes "I think we have chemistry? Honestly, I've had this connection with one other person and it didn't really work out, but I'm down to try with you?" I mutually agreed. We talked about how casual was out of the question. Then before leaving, we planned next hang to be a drive-in movie theater and I guess we were on the same page about feelings. He said "I probably should've asked you this 2 hangs ago, but wanna make this one a date?" and I said "Sure I wouldn't mind trying it out." Date night happens (In June before the second spike in cases rises and things slowly open), we get close in the car in that (somehow) we're basically spooning and watching 2 movies back to back. He plants in a few pecks here and there and tickles me for the heck of it. We had fun together and I guess like with how things were progressing, I just wanted to ask where we're at so there was no confusion. "What are we?" Him: "We're taking it slow." Me: "Alright! got it, mega slow." Then we just proceed as we were during the movie. We had a great time, kind of had an idea of what to do for second hang, but had to keep rescheduling since he got busy. His responses started becoming less frequent and I got anxious. "Maybe I misread the whole thing and it wasn't a nice time?" He then lets me know a week post date that before he hung out with me, he hung out with a friend who tested positive for COVID. He wasn't showing any symptoms but he was still getting tested and just in case told me to get tested. We both ended up testing negative which was a big relief. I ask again of "If and when you wanna hang or like virtually hang?" No response. Then with everything going on in the world + work, it just built up a lot of stress for me this week. At this point in our relationship I just had the mentality of "Ok. we're just in the free-trial period. Non-committal. We're still friends just testing the waters and unless he tells me straight up (which I disclosed when we had our talk), we're just friends." So with other friends also being stressed I decide to take on a side project of writing letters to them. Generally with "Hey, I appreciate you, and here are reasons why." It was good to get my anxiety out. I send guy his letter of appreciation. From what I recall, I never really mentioned anything about being "exclusive" and all that jazz. It was more so "Hey you're a nice person and it's been really fun hanging out with you. I hope youre doing well, and whenever time allows we should tackle the next thing on our "Safe to do" List." I know at this time I started having feelings develop, but I never explicitly confessed it b/c it's still early you know? Then I get a text yesterday from him saying "Hey I just got your letter. I appreciate the time you put into it, but I dont think we're obviously on the same page. To be clear, I consider us friends. Not Bf/gf. Yes we had a date, and had a good time but that does not mean we're a couple. Moving forward I view you as a friend and a friend only and Im sorry if I came off a certain way. I wish you the best." So- the small pang in my chest that i thought were feelings just ended up being nipped in the bud and crushed. I dont know if he actually wants to be friends anymore or if he's just being nice to say he's exiting the conversation. Plus I never explicitly said "Hey we're a couple now." So I was mad that he didn't think I knew we were on the same page while still being sad. I respond back that "hey I'm sorry but I think my intentions were misinterpreted with the letter. I really just wanted to show appreciation with friends by sending letters and I didn't mean to offend. I know that night when you said slow, you meant SLOW. I probably should have proofread yours more clearly while considering the position I'm in, but I'm sorry for the misconception but regardless, thank you for defining the lines." I end my response with "Do you mean actually be friend friends? If you're uncomfortable with even hanging out, you can just let me know. You don't need to sugar coat "be friends" when you mean you just want to ghost." and that's where we are now. Honestly at the moment I'm a bit heartbroken at the "potential see where it goes" road and I liked hanging out with him as a friend. Altogether it just feels like I ruined it. I don't know if anything really made sense but I just feel rather awful and I'm not sure of what to do? What stood out for me is when you asked "where are we". When men ask me this, it instantly kills the mood and my interest. It feels like he wants to label 'us' right away and I don't even know anything about him! He was open to being open, but might have misread your question as wanting to fast forward, hence his response "we are going slow". I suspect this may have been the culprit. 2
Mystery4u Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 You spent some time together, you went on a date, and he found he was not as interested in you as much as he thought, and told you honestly. Nothing wrong with any of that, actually fair play to him for being straight up with you and not stringing you along. That's what dates are, to find out if anything can develop. Same as you don't have to become official with every person you go on a date with. Move on, plenty more guys out there. 2
kendahke Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 2 hours ago, LoraLei said: "Maybe I misread the whole thing and it wasn't a nice time?" This retort is what sank your boat. I think had you left well enough alone, he wouldn't have felt compelled to set you on Straight Street. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 2 hours ago, Mrin said: My read: he met someone else and changed course. That was my guess , too. OP, you sound like a lovely soul. The right guy for you is going to snap you right up. 2
Roswell91 Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 2 hours ago, LoraLei said: So guy and I met back in February through a mutual friend and it was a nice, chill hang. He wanted to hang out on several occasions but I kept declining due to schedule conflicts and we just never really talked much. Fast forward to quarantine during April-May, he messages and asks if I'm okay during this time. We chit chat a bit and actually get to know each other for a few weeks. We talk about socially distancing and how he's been self-quarantining the past few months b/c he falls under the "at-risk" group but he still does walks around his neighborhood with safety in mind. He asks if I'd join and I say sure on a day where I'm not working from home remotely. We go on a walk at a park and we find out we have a lot more in common than we thought. We then just started talking more and every now and then would hang. Sometimes it was in person, or sometimes it was streaming and playing a game online together. Eventually we made 2 lists of things to look forward to: "Things to do when it's not COVID" and "Things to do that are safe during COVID." During these hangs it was generally nice to hang out as friends and it was one of the I guess most chill and non-anxious moments I've had throughout quarantine so it was refreshing. We hang out a few more times (while still being COVID conscious) and just slowly start to get closer. First it was just a simple hug, then just a bit of cuddling but nothing beyond that. Small compliments here and there. One day during a hang, we end up talking about past relationships and like perspectives on it. I talk about how I view relationships and he agreed the same and I emphasized chemistry. He chimes in and goes "I think we have chemistry? Honestly, I've had this connection with one other person and it didn't really work out, but I'm down to try with you?" I mutually agreed. We talked about how casual was out of the question. Then before leaving, we planned next hang to be a drive-in movie theater and I guess we were on the same page about feelings. He said "I probably should've asked you this 2 hangs ago, but wanna make this one a date?" and I said "Sure I wouldn't mind trying it out." Date night happens (In June before the second spike in cases rises and things slowly open), we get close in the car in that (somehow) we're basically spooning and watching 2 movies back to back. He plants in a few pecks here and there and tickles me for the heck of it. We had fun together and I guess like with how things were progressing, I just wanted to ask where we're at so there was no confusion. "What are we?" Him: "We're taking it slow." Me: "Alright! got it, mega slow." Then we just proceed as we were during the movie. We had a great time, kind of had an idea of what to do for second hang, but had to keep rescheduling since he got busy. His responses started becoming less frequent and I got anxious. "Maybe I misread the whole thing and it wasn't a nice time?" He then lets me know a week post date that before he hung out with me, he hung out with a friend who tested positive for COVID. He wasn't showing any symptoms but he was still getting tested and just in case told me to get tested. We both ended up testing negative which was a big relief. I ask again of "If and when you wanna hang or like virtually hang?" No response. Then with everything going on in the world + work, it just built up a lot of stress for me this week. At this point in our relationship I just had the mentality of "Ok. we're just in the free-trial period. Non-committal. We're still friends just testing the waters and unless he tells me straight up (which I disclosed when we had our talk), we're just friends." So with other friends also being stressed I decide to take on a side project of writing letters to them. Generally with "Hey, I appreciate you, and here are reasons why." It was good to get my anxiety out. I send guy his letter of appreciation. From what I recall, I never really mentioned anything about being "exclusive" and all that jazz. It was more so "Hey you're a nice person and it's been really fun hanging out with you. I hope youre doing well, and whenever time allows we should tackle the next thing on our "Safe to do" List." I know at this time I started having feelings develop, but I never explicitly confessed it b/c it's still early you know? Then I get a text yesterday from him saying "Hey I just got your letter. I appreciate the time you put into it, but I dont think we're obviously on the same page. To be clear, I consider us friends. Not Bf/gf. Yes we had a date, and had a good time but that does not mean we're a couple. Moving forward I view you as a friend and a friend only and Im sorry if I came off a certain way. I wish you the best." So- the small pang in my chest that i thought were feelings just ended up being nipped in the bud and crushed. I dont know if he actually wants to be friends anymore or if he's just being nice to say he's exiting the conversation. Plus I never explicitly said "Hey we're a couple now." So I was mad that he didn't think I knew we were on the same page while still being sad. I respond back that "hey I'm sorry but I think my intentions were misinterpreted with the letter. I really just wanted to show appreciation with friends by sending letters and I didn't mean to offend. I know that night when you said slow, you meant SLOW. I probably should have proofread yours more clearly while considering the position I'm in, but I'm sorry for the misconception but regardless, thank you for defining the lines." I end my response with "Do you mean actually be friend friends? If you're uncomfortable with even hanging out, you can just let me know. You don't need to sugar coat "be friends" when you mean you just want to ghost." and that's where we are now. Honestly at the moment I'm a bit heartbroken at the "potential see where it goes" road and I liked hanging out with him as a friend. Altogether it just feels like I ruined it. I don't know if anything really made sense but I just feel rather awful and I'm not sure of what to do? I think he was quite interested at the beginning up till the date where you watched movies. He changed his mind thereafter. You should have left him well alone after he didnt respond to your message about hanging out in person/virtually. Instead you sent a letter and in addition after he set the record straight that he doesn't feel the same way, you continue to message him and saying he got the wrong end of the stick. Hes going to view you as clingy/needy now. Whatever his reasons, i suggest you stop any form of contact now. 2
Uptown182 Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 2 hours ago, kendahke said: This retort is what sank your boat. I think had you left well enough alone, he wouldn't have felt compelled to set you on Straight Street. Yea I kinda agree. I also think he really wasn’t on the same page as you. You can go on a date have a nice time and not be romantically interested in the person, especially after a first date. I also get the vibe, you’re too aggressive for him, you didn’t really seem ok with him wanting to take it slow. Saying things like I get it we’re taking it SLOW just says you’re actually not ok with taking it slow. Plus that little tidbit you said about ghosting at the end of your text, it’s just off putting. Either way I don’t think you really should be friends with him if you have feelings for him. Because secretly you’ll always be hoping his feelings will change for you. Best to move on, and what’s you’re over him and you can revisit the whole friendship thing with him if you still want it. 1
Author LoraLei Posted July 4, 2020 Author Posted July 4, 2020 Hey so, I did write this while feeling in the "raw" stage of processing. Crying it out, and hearing everyone's responses and interpretations took me out of this weird funk Ive had since yesterday. I'll admit, it is obviously disheartening to read some of the replies, but I think it's settled out? I'm going to start taking it day by day and just occupying my time in the meantime. It's all just weird for now but it'll pass. Thank you everyone who's responded! 2
stillafool Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 5 hours ago, LoraLei said: I dont know if he actually wants to be friends anymore or if he's just being nice to say he's exiting the conversation. Plus I never explicitly said "Hey we're a couple now." So I was No he just threw the "friends" thing in there as most do when they end something. They don't really mean it because men aren't looking for female friends. You didn't ruin anything. He was never on the same page as you. 1
smackie9 Posted July 4, 2020 Posted July 4, 2020 ya sorry I agree with the others "What are we." is a mood killer. And judging by your follow up post, your vibe is that you were way too invested. It's possible he was full of bs and was hoping for a casual fling...sex first and maybe exclusivity later. He got a whiff of "Oh she's catching feelings":....., I'm, tapping out." 1
Roswell91 Posted July 5, 2020 Posted July 5, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, LoraLei said: Hey so, I did write this while feeling in the "raw" stage of processing. Crying it out, and hearing everyone's responses and interpretations took me out of this weird funk Ive had since yesterday. I'll admit, it is obviously disheartening to read some of the replies, but I think it's settled out? I'm going to start taking it day by day and just occupying my time in the meantime. It's all just weird for now but it'll pass. Thank you everyone who's responded! You haven't really known him that long or know him well enough to cry over him. What im trying to say is you probably haven't lost much without sounding insensitive. But of course you're entitled to feel the way you feel about it. Dont worry, You'll get over it and find someone else. Edited July 5, 2020 by Roswell91
ShyViolet Posted July 5, 2020 Posted July 5, 2020 I think your communication style with him was a little bit overkill and may have scared him off. After you texted him asking if he wanted to hang out again, and he never responded, you probably should have taken that to mean he wasn't interested. Sending him that letter sounds like a bit much. Also as others have said, it's kind of overkill to ask "what are we?" on a first date or early in a dating relationship. Just let it flow naturally and see what happens. For whatever reason he changed his mind and decided he wasn't interested.... it happens. There are plenty of other guys out there.
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