No idea what to do with feelings for clingy ex

[andy921]

So I've known this girl for well over a year. I went on a few dates with her early last year and quickly developed strong feelings for her. At the time she was in a bad place due to a sexual assault she had experienced about a year prior and she eventually became very distant and detached from me. I continued to try to find ways to see her and keep in contact her seeing a lot of potential in her but to no avail. I was hurt over it for months. I eventually confessed my feelings for her and rekindled things with her in the fall. I really enjoyed being with her and spending time with her at first. However, she would demand to see my constantly, always say I wasn't trying hard enough, and made me feel controlled and isolated from my friends and family any time I wanted to do something with my free time that didn't involve seeing her. But since I loved her, I continued to make time for her. As a young doctor still in training this wasn't easy for me to do and it made me feel stressed and drained constantly. Sex was not enjoyable for the most part as she never seemed comfortable, but I was patient since I believed it was due to trauma in her past.

I probably saw her nearly 30 times in a 3 month interval and went on 4 weekend trips with her even though it was the holidays and I had tons of work to do professionally and had to live 40 miles away from her after I got transferred to another hospital during the second half of our relationship. Shortly after the new year, she left the country on a trip (the whole time while seeing me telling me she wanted to keep her options option and see other people while away). I didn't protest considering how badly she hurt me the first time and how fatigued I was with spending time with her. While she was away she would text me everyday to tell me about her experiences there or call me when she was feeling lonely at night. Her trip was cut short due to COVID and she came home a month later. I didn't see her due to the lockdowns at first. I have a number of vices (smoking, gambling, poor diet, drinking) that she didn't like and she would constantly tell me that she could never be with me because of them. Nonetheless she would continue to contact me almost daily about just about anything going through her head and I would always pick up because deep down I still loved her. However, over the past few months, she would constantly tell me about other dates she has been going on and how they don't have the the habits I do and that she is more comfortable around them-usually getting a rise out of me and resulting in an argument.

Fast forward a month ago, I get diagnosed with (treatable) cancer and start confiding in her about it. She is sympathetic and supports me. A few weeks ago, I decide to go to Vegas to unwind and forget about my condition (much to her dismay) and while I am driving home she casually mentions to me that she slept with someone else and how wonderful he makes her feel. This drove me over the edge and I accused her of manipulating me and spending months doing nothing but criticize me and attempting to make me jealous while she does nothing to change things I don't like about her. I said some hurtful things and I know I was wrong but it made me realize the feelings I still have with her. I bought her some flowers and have been trying to restart things with her over the past week but now she tells me she loves this new person and that she can't be with me with the habits I have and doesn't know if anything would work even if I were to change them (the person she is dating now is moving far away in the immediate future). I told her I would work to cut my habits and make the changes she says she would like to see. She still texts me everyday but I am not sure if she is doing it because she still has feelings for me and wants to be together again or out of sympathy for my condition and as repayment for how I helped her cope with a lot or troubling things when we were dating. I also have no idea is she is trying to manipulate me with this guy or if she is playing with me to try to make me obsessed with her again. Any advice would be super helpful because I honestly don't know what to make of this and feel it really weighing on my emotions lately. 

Edited July 3, 2020 by andy921
typo

[Hopeful30]

You are fulfilling her need for feelings of security and validation. 

[Backinthesaddleagain]

Dude, F this B. You shouldn't change who you are for anyone but yourself. She sounds like a selfish entitled brat. Codependent and awful. Run. I mean, you're a doctor! Go get hot doctor tail! 

[Mystery4u]

Why are you even responding to her messages? Delete, block. You are never going to be together (and that's a good thing) so stop wasting time even talking to her. Cut her out of your life for good.

[Roswell91]

58 minutes ago, andy921 said:

So I've known this girl for well over a year. I went on a few dates with her early last year and quickly developed strong feelings for her. At the time she was in a bad place due to a sexual assault she had experienced about a year prior and she eventually became very distant and detached from me. I continued to try to find ways to see her and keep in contact her seeing a lot of potential in her but to no avail. I was hurt over it for months. I eventually confessed my feelings for her and rekindled things with her in the fall. I really enjoyed being with her and spending time with her at first. However, she would demand to see my constantly, always say I wasn't trying hard enough, and made me feel controlled and isolated from my friends and family any time I wanted to do something with my free time that didn't involve seeing her. But since I loved her, I continued to make time for her. As a young doctor still in training this wasn't easy for me to do and it made me feel stressed and drained constantly. Sex was not enjoyable for the most part as she never seemed comfortable, but I was patient since I believed it was due to trauma in her past.

I probably saw her nearly 30 times in a 3 month interval and went on 4 weekend trips with her even though it was the holidays and I had tons of work to do professionally and had to live 40 miles away from her after I got transferred to another hospital during the second half of our relationship. Shortly after the new year, she left the country on a trip (the whole time while seeing me telling me she wanted to keep her options option and see other people while away). I didn't protest considering how badly she hurt me the first time and how fatigued I was with spending time with her. While she was away she would text me everyday to tell me about her experiences there or call me when she was feeling lonely at night. Her trip was cut short due to COVID and she came home a month later. I didn't see her due to the lockdowns at first. I have a number of vices (smoking, gambling, poor diet, drinking) that she didn't like and she would constantly tell me that she could never be with me because of them. Nonetheless she would continue to contact me almost daily about just about anything going through her head and I would always pick up because deep down I still loved her. However, over the past few months, she would constantly tell me about other dates she has been going on and how they don't have the the habits I do and that she is more comfortable around them-usually getting a rise out of me and resulting in an argument.

Fast forward a month ago, I get diagnosed with (treatable) cancer and start confiding in her about it. She is sympathetic and supports me. A few weeks ago, I decide to go to Vegas to unwind and forget about my condition (much to her dismay) and while I am driving home she casually mentions to me that she slept with someone else and how wonderful he makes her feel. This drove me over the edge and I accused her of manipulating me and spending months doing nothing but criticize me and attempting to make me jealous while she does nothing to change things I don't like about her. I said some hurtful things and I know I was wrong but it made me realize the feelings I still have with her. I bought her some flowers and have been trying to restart things with her over the past week but now she tells me she loves this new person and that she can't be with me with the habits I have and doesn't know if anything would work even if I were to change them (the person she is dating now is moving far away in the immediate future). I told her I would work to cut my habits and make the changes she says she would like to see. She still texts me everyday but I am not sure if she is doing it because she still has feelings for me and wants to be together again or out of sympathy for my condition and as repayment for how I helped her cope with a lot or troubling things when we were dating. I also have no idea is she is trying to manipulate me with this guy or if she is playing with me to try to make me obsessed with her again. Any advice would be super helpful because I honestly don't know what to make of this and feel it really weighing on my emotions lately. 

Everything is "me me me" with this woman from what it sounds like. 

Your whole relationship is toxic. Shes no good for you

I would cut her off for good. Move on for sure.

There are plenty of nice people out there waiting to find someone! 

 

Edited July 3, 2020 by Roswell91

[spiderowl]

I get a different feeling about this from others.  I can see that this woman really liked you and wanted to be with you.  In the end, she could not cope with your vices.  I can understand that.  I could not be with a smoker and if there were other vices too, like drinking and gambling, then no way!  I don't know the extent of these 'vices' - are we talking the odd drink or drinking every day?  How much gambling?

You are a doctor so you must know if you are leading a very unhealthy lifestyle.  Regardless of that, she is not into the same vices and so had to give up on you.  She still likes you though.  I do not feel she is using you so much as wishing you hadn't got these issues.

It is understandable now that you might not want to be in touch with her.  You need to be honest with her or cut her off if she tries to hurt you.  You loved her and now she is with someone else.  Most people could not cope with that.  You need to be firm and tell her you can't stay in touch with her.  You can block her number, as you know - the question is do you want to?

I am sorry you were hurt; break-ups can be very messy if they are not clear-cut.  People sometimes break up because they cannot go on together, not because they don't have feelings for each other.  It sounds like this is one of those entangled kind of break-ups.

You know your lifestyle hasn't helped here.  Is it worth reviewing that?  This same situation is likely to crop up again so, to be honest, if you are looking for a serious relationship you need to consider these things.  Most women need security and stability in a relationship.  Drinking and gambling threatens that so will be a red flag for many women.  Sorry, but it's true.

 

 

 

Edited July 4, 2020 by spiderowl

[andy921]

4 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

I get a different feeling about this from others.  I can see that this woman really liked you and wanted to be with you.  In the end, she could not cope with your vices.  I can understand that.  I could not be with a smoker and if there were other vices too, like drinking and gambling, then no way!  I don't know the extent of these 'vices' - are we talking the odd drink or drinking every day?  How much gambling?

You are a doctor so you must know if you are leading a very unhealthy lifestyle.  Regardless of that, she is not into the same vices and so had to give up on you.  She still likes you though.  I do not feel she is using you so much as wishing you hadn't got these issues.

It is understandable now that you might now want to be in touch with her.  You need to be honest with her or cut her off if she tries to hurt you.  You loved her and now she is with someone else.  Most people could not cope with that.  You need to be firm and tell her you can't stay in touch with her.  You can block her number, as you know - the question is do you want to?

I am sorry you were hurt; break-ups can be very messy if they are not clear-cut.  People sometimes break up because they cannot go on together, not because they don't have feelings for each other.  It sounds like this is one of those entangled kind of break-ups.

You know your lifestyle hasn't helped here.  Is it worth reviewing that?  This same situation is likely to crop up again so, to be honest, if you are looking for a serious relationship you need to consider these things.  Most women need security and stability in a relationship.  Drinking and gambling threatens that so will be a red flag for many women.  Sorry, but it's true.

 

 

 

The thing is. I never did these things around her. I would occasionally go to a casino and tell her about these things to be honest with her. I took her there one time and she hated it so I never brought her again or even suggested it. I’ve struggled with chain smoking for most of my adult life and almost cut it out of my life entirely when she came back into it. As for drinking, I don’t do it to an addictive extent, but she hated the way I would usually drink alone and the fact that alcoholism and destructive habits run in my family. 

[spiderowl]

I know smoking can be really difficult to give up.  My mum never gave it up, despite her health deteriorating, and she died of complications of COPD.  I've never had to grapple with an addiction so I'm very fortunate.  I certainly fear getting involved with anyone with an addiction or a potential addiction.  I see regularly drinking alone as being in that category because a friend of mine used to do that and later became an alcoholic.

I am sorry you have struggled. Maybe it is time to take stock.  If you want a serious relationship, consider what both people need.  If you are at risk of addiction, maybe you could seek help to protect yourself?  You could have a really bright future ahead of you.  You have been incredibly successful so far so why take risks?

[andy921]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

I know smoking can be really difficult to give up.  My mum never gave it up, despite her health deteriorating, and she died of complications of COPD.  I've never had to grapple with an addiction so I'm very fortunate.  I certainly fear getting involved with anyone with an addiction or a potential addiction.  I see regularly drinking alone as being in that category because a friend of mine used to do that and later became an alcoholic.

I am sorry you have struggled. Maybe it is time to take stock.  If you want a serious relationship, consider what both people need.  If you are at risk of addiction, maybe you could seek help to protect yourself?  You could have a really bright future ahead of you.  You have been incredibly successful so far so why take risks?

I know this. I told her I would cut these things out for myself and my own health to help my cancer recovery. But the truth is (and she knows this) that the main reason I am trying is to find a way back to her. And to answer your question from earlier, of course I don't want to block her. I still love her despite all the disagreements we've had over the past several months.  But I am also self aware that this may not be healthy and it makes me feel very conflicted thinking about. 

[Mystery4u]

3 minutes ago, andy921 said:

And to answer your question from earlier, of course I don't want to block her. I still love her despite all the disagreements we've had over the past several months.  But I am also self aware that this may not be healthy and it makes me feel very conflicted thinking about. 

She's told you she is sleeping with someone else, dating them, how great they make her feel.

Read that sentence again, and again, and again.

Why would you even want to be with her? Love is a two way thing. It really doesnt matter that you still love her, she does not love you. She does not want to be with you. She is seeing someone else.

There's nothing conflicting, its really simple. You need to cut her out of your life so you can move on and find someone who feels the same about you as you do about them and appreciates you for you.

[homecoming]

2 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

It really doesn't matter that you still love her, she does not love you. She does not want to be with you. She is seeing someone else.

This is so important to remember. Although feelings can be overwhelmingly strong at times, if someone doesn't want you nothing you do or say will change that. The best thing to do is to try and move on, despite how hard it is. I hated hearing "move on" but really, there is no other choice.

Edited July 4, 2020 by homecoming

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry about your diagnosis, OP. I can imagine it's been rough, even if your prognosis is good. 

You desperately need some boundaries and self-esteem. This woman has been telling you for a while that she's dating other men. That was your cue to cut her out of your life, not pursue her harder. You were understandably worn out by your short-lived relationship with you (she sounds utterly suffocating) and your gut was screaming at you that this wasn't going to work.

Are you vices a problem? Sure. Are they why she behaves the way she does? Nope. Not even a little bit. 

This woman isn't going to be your Happily Ever After, and she never was. Let this be a lesson for you, in identifying viable and healthy relationship candidates - and getting yourself to a place both physically and emotionally where you are a healthy relationship candidate yourself. That is what will stop you from attaching yourself to someone like her and desperately seeking her approval. 

[Roswell91]

8 hours ago, andy921 said:

I know this. I told her I would cut these things out for myself and my own health to help my cancer recovery. But the truth is (and she knows this) that the main reason I am trying is to find a way back to her. And to answer your question from earlier, of course I don't want to block her. I still love her despite all the disagreements we've had over the past several months.  But I am also self aware that this may not be healthy and it makes me feel very conflicted thinking about. 

The Main reason i said to move on was, she has a lack of consideration for your feelings, both when you were in a relationship with her and out of it too.

She knows how you feel about her yet continues to provoke you by talking about other men shes dating and sleeping  with. She does this because she can and she knows you'll be there no matter what.

I know love is blind and all that but from an outsiders perspective there's  really nothing special about this woman to warrant you holding on for dear life. 

 

Edited July 4, 2020 by Roswell91

[andy921]

7 hours ago, Roswell91 said:

The Main reason i said to move on was, she has a lack of consideration for your feelings, both when you were in a relationship with her and out of it too.

She knows how you feel about her yet continues to provoke you by talking about other men shes dating and sleeping  with. She does this because she can and she knows you'll be there no matter what.

I know love is blind and all that but from an outsiders perspective there's  really nothing special about this woman to warrant you holding on for dear life. 

 

I know this is true. I guess subconsciously I stuck to my habits because she had her own issues too and never did anything to change them for me. But even when things were good between us she would never seem to truly appreciate anything. I would plan every date. I would complement her and make her feel beautiful even though she never did anything of the sort for me. I would drive her everywhere, pay for everything, and drop everything I was doing to see her anytime she was in a crisis with something (which was pretty much every other day). I just wish I could break free of this hold she has had on me for well over a year. It almost feels like being under some sort of spell and it’s scary. I still can’t understand why she has been contacting me all this time and keeping tabs on me if she still really didn’t want anything more and it really messes with me. 

Edited July 4, 2020 by andy921

[stillafool]

You need to cut her off.  Tell her if she's in love with another man to not contact you anymore.  You were right to call her out on her behavior so don't feel bad about it.  If she continues just block her.  I know you don't want to treat her cold but sometimes that is the only message people understand.

[kendahke]

20 hours ago, andy921 said:

Any advice would be super helpful

Leave her alone. She's made her choice and it isn't you.

She doesn't want you love.   Time to move on--and that means block her calls, block her on your social media and go NC with her.

Let her put this new guy through all the mess she's put you through.

Edited July 4, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

15 hours ago, andy921 said:

that the main reason I am trying is to find a way back to her.

Stop this.  The minute she slept with someone else was the minute she erected a barricade. She doesn't want you coming back to her.

You're wasting your youth behind someone who doesn't deserve the effort. Stop being a doormat.

[Mystery4u]

31 minutes ago, andy921 said:

I know this is true. I guess subconsciously I stuck to my habits because she had her own issues too and never did anything to change them for me. But even when things were good between us she would never seem to truly appreciate anything. I would plan every date. I would complement her and make her feel beautiful even though she never did anything of the sort for me. I would drive her everywhere, pay for everything, and drop everything I was doing to see her anytime she was in a crisis with something (which was pretty much every other day). I just wish I could break free of this hold she has had on me for well over a year. It almost feels like being under some sort of spell and it’s scary. I still can’t understand why she has been contacting me all this time and keeping tabs on me if she still really didn’t want anything more and it really messes with me. 

She does not have a hold on you and there is no spell. It's all in your mind and you are letting it happen.

Only you are the one who can stop yourself feeling like this - by cutting her out of your life completely and stop communicating with her.

If you choose to keep on letting her contact you then the only person to blame for your feelings is yourself.

[Roswell91]

42 minutes ago, andy921 said:

I know this is true. I guess subconsciously I stuck to my habits because she had her own issues too and never did anything to change them for me. But even when things were good between us she would never seem to truly appreciate anything. I would plan every date. I would complement her and make her feel beautiful even though she never did anything of the sort for me. I would drive her everywhere, pay for everything, and drop everything I was doing to see her anytime she was in a crisis with something (which was pretty much every other day). I just wish I could break free of this hold she has had on me for well over a year. It almost feels like being under some sort of spell and it’s scary. I still can’t understand why she has been contacting me all this time and keeping tabs on me if she still really didn’t want anything more and it really messes with me. 

You can break free little by little.

You have to start by creating  distance. 

Dont respond to calls or texts.

And why does she keep contacting you? Because you give her attention and love, its an ego boost.

Join an app and Start dating other people. Or at least  getting to know others.

 

[andy921]

6 minutes ago, Roswell91 said:

You can break free little by little.

You have to start by creating  distance. 

Dont respond to calls or texts.

And why does she keep contacting you? Because you give her attention and love, its an ego boost.

Join an app and Start dating other people. Or at least  getting to know others.

 

I think you are right. As difficult as it is to admit to myself, I think this may be the only way. I am someone who usually approaches things very logically and doesn't let emotions dictate my behavior, so this is just a new challenge for me. I will try this approach and hope it helps me. I have no doubt she will put any guy she is with through the same fiasco she put me through since the longest time she has ever dated anyone has been a month before me, so I guess I'll try to console myself with that. 

Edited July 4, 2020 by andy921

[Roswell91]

2 minutes ago, andy921 said:

I think you are right. As difficult as it is to admit to myself, I think this may be the only way. I am someone who usually approaches things very logically and doesn't let emotions dictate my behavior, so this is just a new challenge for me. I will try this approach and hope it helps me. I have no doubt she will put any guy she is with through the same fiasco she put me through so I guess I'll try to console myself with that. 

It is possible is all i can say.

Don't let her under any circumstances tempt you back into the same cycles.