My dating problems

[ElaineGracex]

Hi guys, I would like to hear your advice!

My ex dumped me 6 months ago, ever since then I have started to date my current boyfriend two months ago. He is a great man, very caring and understanding. I noticed that both of them share the same trait of being sensitive and emotional, so I warned my boyfriend of how cold and distant I could be sometimes because my ex was having problem with it. Now my boyfriend is struggling as well. He confided that I could seem really affectionate one day and really cold the other day, on the opposite he is the cuddly and affectionate type. I was aware that I could be cold yes, but I wasn't intentionally being cold. I am generally a person who isn't so verbally expressive and I tend to express love through action. I don't notice the days where I act cold instead of beaming with warmth like usual, usually on these days I am either tired/have a lot of my mind. Also I noticed that I tend to treat my partners more like a friend instead of a lover, because I am usually friends before going out with them. I prefer to be friends with them first and be intimate once I get comfortable. My current boyfriend had a talk with me twice and each time he told me that he is struggling. He told me that he understand that is just the way I am, but that he also wants to hear me say 'I love you' or 'I miss you' everyday. Is there something wrong with me? Can you say that I am emotionally unavailable?

[Fox Sake]

Eesh... I know this situation all to well! It’s a horrible feeling to be on the receiving end of coldness. 
 

Firstly- well done for recognising you’re own behaviours. That’s a big thing to do . A lot of people can’t do it and seek to put the blame on others and justify their actions. Do you think you like to be the one in control? Genuine question ! 
 

it sounds like this is just your personality. If you’re having one of those bad days, just tell him. It’s good to be honest but I’m sure he will still find it just as hard and will question why you can’t give him what he gives you. 
 

not that anyone should go about throwing the “i love you” around very moment of every day, but a relationship is a two way street and people like to feel wanted and desired, loved , cared for, missed, needed etc etc. It’s really not a lot to ask from someone you’re in a relationship with. But then again people shouldn’t have to ask ... 

You already know he’s sensitive etc so just be aware of that in how you treat or speak to him. Begs the question - are you actually ready for this relationship?? 
 

edit:  one more question- has this ever been an issue for any of your ex partners? 

Edited July 2, 2020 by Fox Sake

[JTSW]

Maybe seek advice from a therapist as this is now becoming a recurring issue in your relationships.

You need to figure out why you become so cold and what triggers it. 

Its not healthy to be like that in a relationship and nothing will be lasting if you don't seek some kind of advice.

[Roswell91]

2 hours ago, ElaineGracex said:

Hi guys, I would like to hear your advice!

My ex dumped me 6 months ago, ever since then I have started to date my current boyfriend two months ago. He is a great man, very caring and understanding. I noticed that both of them share the same trait of being sensitive and emotional, so I warned my boyfriend of how cold and distant I could be sometimes because my ex was having problem with it. Now my boyfriend is struggling as well. He confided that I could seem really affectionate one day and really cold the other day, on the opposite he is the cuddly and affectionate type. I was aware that I could be cold yes, but I wasn't intentionally being cold. I am generally a person who isn't so verbally expressive and I tend to express love through action. I don't notice the days where I act cold instead of beaming with warmth like usual, usually on these days I am either tired/have a lot of my mind. Also I noticed that I tend to treat my partners more like a friend instead of a lover, because I am usually friends before going out with them. I prefer to be friends with them first and be intimate once I get comfortable. My current boyfriend had a talk with me twice and each time he told me that he is struggling. He told me that he understand that is just the way I am, but that he also wants to hear me say 'I love you' or 'I miss you' everyday. Is there something wrong with me? Can you say that I am emotionally unavailable?

Im the same as you. Im not the affectionate type with words. But i will do my utmost for anyone  if they're in need (actions). 

Have you ever said i love you or i miss you to anyone, ever? Or do you feel it on the inside but are simply unable to express it. And if that is the csse, then why?

I wouldn't say youre necessarily emotionally unavailable, as an emotionally unavailable person would not be able to even have a boyfriend or date,  they would  run before it even gets to that stage or find every excuse under the sun to end things.

 

 

 

Edited July 2, 2020 by Roswell91

[d0nnivain]

Saying ILY doesn't take much effort.   Since your BF has told you he needs to hear the words, make more of an effort to say them every day.  Even if you are tired, you should have enough energy to say 3 little words.   When you are in love you make an effort for your partner, especially if that effort doesn't take much from you.  

[smackie9]

There is nothing wrong with you. You just have a different personality type, which in turn makes you incompatible with your BF. Stop dating cuddly sensitive guys, find someone more like yourself.

[Ami1uwant]

What happened in last relationship?

 

this sounds like you have an undiagnosed mental health issue given these extremes.

 

being friends first isn’t the issue here. You can say early on you want to take things slow.

[EelaineGrace]

On 7/2/2020 at 6:42 PM, Fox Sake said:

Eesh... I know this situation all to well! It’s a horrible feeling to be on the receiving end of coldness. 
 

Firstly- well done for recognising you’re own behaviours. That’s a big thing to do . A lot of people can’t do it and seek to put the blame on others and justify their actions. Do you think you like to be the one in control? Genuine question ! 
 

it sounds like this is just your personality. If you’re having one of those bad days, just tell him. It’s good to be honest but I’m sure he will still find it just as hard and will question why you can’t give him what he gives you. 
 

not that anyone should go about throwing the “i love you” around very moment of every day, but a relationship is a two way street and people like to feel wanted and desired, loved , cared for, missed, needed etc etc. It’s really not a lot to ask from someone you’re in a relationship with. But then again people shouldn’t have to ask ... 

You already know he’s sensitive etc so just be aware of that in how you treat or speak to him. Begs the question - are you actually ready for this relationship?? 
 

edit:  one more question- has this ever been an issue for any of your ex partners? 

Hi! I am the OP but somehow I forgot my login deeds.. 

It was an issue with my ex because he was quite emotionally needy (he was diagnosed with this). I do say I love you and I miss you, I just don't like saying it a lot. I say it when I feel the moment is right, not to just throw away the words carelessly. My current boyfriend complained that he wanted to hear me say it more, but he understood that it is just the way I am and that he is aware I am showing it through actions. I guess he is just the type that likes verbal expression

And by acting cold, I mean that I am not as cuddly as usual. I will talk in a more formal way? He told me that I don't send this hug or kiss emoji that I would usually send. But it's not like I am talking coldly or something, and I still show that I care by taking care of him. 

[EelaineGrace]

On 7/2/2020 at 8:06 PM, Roswell91 said:

Im the same as you. Im not the affectionate type with words. But i will do my utmost for anyone  if they're in need (actions). 

Have you ever said i love you or i miss you to anyone, ever? Or do you feel it on the inside but are simply unable to express it. And if that is the csse, then why?

I wouldn't say youre necessarily emotionally unavailable, as an emotionally unavailable person would not be able to even have a boyfriend or date,  they would  run before it even gets to that stage or find every excuse under the sun to end things.

 

 

 

Yup! I did say that, just not a lot. I think 'love' is heavy and I only say it when I mean it. It's true that I have trouble expressing myself and my current partner is aware of it and is helping me to be more verbally expressive. He is the type that would express love everyday by saying 'I love you' or 'I miss you' and quite the opposite I don't like to express it much, but I do tell him I love him in regular basis.

[EelaineGrace]

On 7/2/2020 at 8:18 PM, d0nnivain said:

Saying ILY doesn't take much effort.   Since your BF has told you he needs to hear the words, make more of an effort to say them every day.  Even if you are tired, you should have enough energy to say 3 little words.   When you are in love you make an effort for your partner, especially if that effort doesn't take much from you.  

I am aware of this, I just don't really like verbal expression I guess? I will tell my partner that I love him because I know he needed that gesture, but then I regressed to my old ways  I don't understand either.

[EelaineGrace]

On 7/3/2020 at 2:13 AM, smackie9 said:

There is nothing wrong with you. You just have a different personality type, which in turn makes you incompatible with your BF. Stop dating cuddly sensitive guys, find someone more like yourself.

The thing is I always attract this cuddly sensitive guys :rofl: 

[Hopeful30]

On 7/2/2020 at 7:06 AM, ElaineGracex said:

Hi guys, I would like to hear your advice!

My ex dumped me 6 months ago, ever since then I have started to date my current boyfriend two months ago. He is a great man, very caring and understanding. I noticed that both of them share the same trait of being sensitive and emotional, so I warned my boyfriend of how cold and distant I could be sometimes because my ex was having problem with it. Now my boyfriend is struggling as well. He confided that I could seem really affectionate one day and really cold the other day, on the opposite he is the cuddly and affectionate type. I was aware that I could be cold yes, but I wasn't intentionally being cold. I am generally a person who isn't so verbally expressive and I tend to express love through action. I don't notice the days where I act cold instead of beaming with warmth like usual, usually on these days I am either tired/have a lot of my mind. Also I noticed that I tend to treat my partners more like a friend instead of a lover, because I am usually friends before going out with them. I prefer to be friends with them first and be intimate once I get comfortable. My current boyfriend had a talk with me twice and each time he told me that he is struggling. He told me that he understand that is just the way I am, but that he also wants to hear me say 'I love you' or 'I miss you' everyday. Is there something wrong with me? Can you say that I am emotionally unavailable?

You seem to attract men who desire lots of affection and reassurance of love within relationships, and this is common among the sensitive types that you like.

The only solution I foresee is you find ways to display your affections more, or you date a different type of guy who doesn't require so much attention to be satisfied in a relationship.

Edited July 3, 2020 by Hopeful30

[EelaineGrace]

17 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

What happened in last relationship?

 

this sounds like you have an undiagnosed mental health issue given these extremes.

 

being friends first isn’t the issue here. You can say early on you want to take things slow.

My ex was diagnosed that he required a lot of affection. He is really needy, anxious and insecure.

On top of that we were in LDR and things just didn't work out. He broke up with me because he wanted someone closer since he felt as if he couldn't fulfill his needs, so he kind of put the blame on me. That made me be really self-conscious of the way I am.

Personally I just think that we are just two different person. Him being a cuddly type whereas I am the more action type. I do tell him I love him everyday, send him lots of gifts, medicines when he's sick, foods when he's busy, made him handmade stuffs often, I text him 24/7 and were always there whenever he needed me. We videocalled everyday. He thought I don't love him because I don't often call him first (well.. because he was always busy.)

 

[Hopeful30]

2 minutes ago, EelaineGrace said:

My ex was diagnosed that he required a lot of affection. He is really needy, anxious and insecure.

On top of that we were in LDR and things just didn't work out. He broke up with me because he wanted someone closer since he felt as if he couldn't fulfill his needs, so he kind of put the blame on me. That made me be really self-conscious of the way I am.

Personally I just think that we are just two different person. Him being a cuddly type whereas I am the more action type. I do tell him I love him everyday, send him lots of gifts, medicines when he's sick, foods when he's busy, made him handmade stuffs often, I text him 24/7 and were always there whenever he needed me. We videocalled everyday. He thought I don't love him because I don't often call him first (well.. because he was always busy.)

 

There is a book called "The 5 Love Languages". You should read it. It talks about how different people show their love in different ways. You might benefit from exploring this.

[EelaineGrace]

3 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

You seem to attract men who desire lots of affection and reassurance of love within relationships, and this is common among the sensitive types that you like.

The only solution I foresee is you find ways to display your affections more, or you date a different type of guy who doesn't require so much attention to be satisfied in a relationship.

True.

I am aware of my lack of verbal expression, so I tried to show it more by action.

I do tell my partner I love them, and I get lovey-dovey too. It's just that sometimes I am so cuddly whereas other days I am not. I wonder if it's just me or I dated people who is into being lovey-dovey all the time.

[Miss Spider]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Maybe that is just your personality. You are not a very  affectionate type of person. There are probably many people that way. The problem is that people who are affectionate might not be completely happy in a relationship with you, despite what you tell them. They want the person all over them often. 

 

The key is finding your match. Someone who is the same or does not mind the way you are.

Edited July 3, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Fox Sake]

20 hours ago, EelaineGrace said:

Hi! I am the OP but somehow I forgot my login deeds.. 

It was an issue with my ex because he was quite emotionally needy (he was diagnosed with this). I do say I love you and I miss you, I just don't like saying it a lot. I say it when I feel the moment is right, not to just throw away the words carelessly. My current boyfriend complained that he wanted to hear me say it more, but he understood that it is just the way I am and that he is aware I am showing it through actions. I guess he is just the type that likes verbal expression

And by acting cold, I mean that I am not as cuddly as usual. I will talk in a more formal way? He told me that I don't send this hug or kiss emoji that I would usually send. But it's not like I am talking coldly or something, and I still show that I care by taking care of him. 

Sorry in the delay.
Honestly , I had to sit and think about this. My heart sank reading the thread.
I notice a lot of similarities and before I gave you my opinion I had make sure I was going to practice what I preach.
 

So I ended up painfully pulling the pin on a situation very similar,  before I decided to write this   where I felt somewhat like your partner did, but I didn’t feel understood or quite good enough. It unravels you. ( I had a second chance with an old ex recently but didn’t post it). Your post and the replies made me reflect on myself and what I will and will not put up with and what a partner will and won’t put up with in me.
 

The main thing is that you’re willing to reflect on Is your own behaviour and how it may effect others. That not everyone thinks like you do or works the same.  That’s a good step to take but it doesn’t sound like you’re going to change and neither is he. It’s who each of you are and you made that obvious in your posts by thinking you can give him formality and expect him to see that as a relationship. At least you didn’t criticise his personality and put it down to him needing help. I commend you for that self reflection. It’s a dying art. 
@Cookiesandough and @Hopeful30  are spot on with their comments. 

He’s obviously a very sensitive person and you’re not as much , that’s all there is too it. I know exactly how that can make him feel.  
You maybe good friends but it doesn’t sound like the romantic compatibility and empathic and compassionate understanding is there. If in person you’re amazing with each other then maybe not all is lost , but definitely will take some work and both of you willing to meet each other’s expectations, both of you willing to realise that things take work, learn how to treat each other to make sure you’re both always happy and not feeling hurt or misunderstood. 
 

I’m guessing his condition is A.D.(H.)D? that doesn’t make someone more needy in a relationship.  Whether he has the hyperactivity part or not.
Sure he likes attention but if he was getting the kind of attention he wanted and needed from you to feel valued and loved, this wouldn’t be an issue. What makes people needy like that is when they don’t feel respected, understood or valued to their own standards. Treat others as you wish to be treated. That goes for both of you.  
 

You guys need a very open and honest conversation with each other. If one of you isn’t willing to try and see things from the other persons view or is unable to , then it’s not going to work and you shouldn’t be putting each other through the pain. 
 

lastly, and maybe most importantly- you need to have consistency in a relationship.  If you are usually cuddly or send a kiss or a hug at the end of your messages then why stop and make things more formal? That would seem cold to me too especially if swooned over her all the time. 

[Realitysux]

15 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Sorry in the delay.
Honestly , I had to sit and think about this. My heart sank reading the thread.
I notice a lot of similarities and before I gave you my opinion I had make sure I was going to practice what I preach.
 

So I ended up painfully pulling the pin on a situation very similar,  before I decided to write this   where I felt somewhat like your partner did, but I didn’t feel understood or quite good enough. It unravels you. ( I had a second chance with an old ex recently but didn’t post it). Your post and the replies made me reflect on myself and what I will and will not put up with and what a partner will and won’t put up with in me.
 

The main thing is that you’re willing to reflect on Is your own behaviour and how it may effect others. That not everyone thinks like you do or works the same.  That’s a good step to take but it doesn’t sound like you’re going to change and neither is he. It’s who each of you are and you made that obvious in your posts by thinking you can give him formality and expect him to see that as a relationship. At least you didn’t criticise his personality and put it down to him needing help. I commend you for that self reflection. It’s a dying art. 
@Cookiesandough and @Hopeful30  are spot on with their comments. 

He’s obviously a very sensitive person and you’re not as much , that’s all there is too it. I know exactly how that can make him feel.  
You maybe good friends but it doesn’t sound like the romantic compatibility and empathic and compassionate understanding is there. If in person you’re amazing with each other then maybe not all is lost , but definitely will take some work and both of you willing to meet each other’s expectations, both of you willing to realise that things take work, learn how to treat each other to make sure you’re both always happy and not feeling hurt or misunderstood. 
 

I’m guessing his condition is A.D.(H.)D? that doesn’t make someone more needy in a relationship.  Whether he has the hyperactivity part or not.
Sure he likes attention but if he was getting the kind of attention he wanted and needed from you to feel valued and loved, this wouldn’t be an issue. What makes people needy like that is when they don’t feel respected, understood or valued to their own standards. Treat others as you wish to be treated. That goes for both of you.  
 

You guys need a very open and honest conversation with each other. If one of you isn’t willing to try and see things from the other persons view or is unable to , then it’s not going to work and you shouldn’t be putting each other through the pain. 
 

lastly, and maybe most importantly- you need to have consistency in a relationship.  If you are usually cuddly or send a kiss or a hug at the end of your messages then why stop and make things more formal? That would seem cold to me too especially if swooned over her all the time. 

Well said