How to make a shy guy feel more comfortable?

[Hopeful30]

7 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

What makes you think you can change that?  Unfortunately all the love and understanding and whatever else cannot change it.  

I don't care to change anyone, I'm trying to accommodate him (how to make him more comfortable). Like I mentioned in a previous thread, I'm ready to settle, so it's easy to overlook things like confidence and height at this point. A girl needs love and attention too 🤷‍♂️

1 hour ago, manfrombelow said:

How come I never met patient & sympathetic women like you during my nervous and awkward days?

I guess this guy must looks like prime Brad Pitt or he must have some really outstandingly amazing quality to make you accept his nervousness (which is a deal-breaker for women) instead of ghosting him after the 1st date.

There is nothing wrong with being nervous. From what I later learned in my previous relationships, all of my exes were nervous in the beginning. I thought this is normal?

And I don't find him particularly awesome in any respect, I'm just ready to settle and am looking for a relationship. 

[smackie9]

Could be all an act, thinking this is what women like. Sounds like a weirdo to me. I'm the aggressive type, I would be personally asking him what they hell is going on with him, like "Why do I make your nervous?"  If he isn't really all that and a bag of chips...why are you even bothering?

[nospam99]

Hi Hopeful, Is this the same guy who is now 'not ready to date'? If so, you have my sympathy, from one 'patient searcher' to another (well, not sure how patient you really are). Though I've 'been aound LS' for almost 3 years, the first I recall noticing you was a thread you started about deleting your profiles (OLD?) and 'settling'. My suggestion to you is to start another thread in In Search Of to give folks a place to kick around ideas and suggestions.

I'll throw in a couple of factors that I may or may not recall accurately from your recent posts:
- age early 30s
- height 5'11''
- never married
- looking for a serious relationship to develop to marriage and children
- enjoys sex and is open and adventurous with 'the right/current guy'
- physically attractive

If you start that new thread I suggested, confirm or correct and add to the list I just made.

Granted that NOW, because of covid, it's as crappy a time as any most people can remember to 'search for love'.

I'll start you with my ideas, purely for the hunting/fishing/searching stage. Once you have a dating relationship going, it's about how you and your guy interact with each other. Take my ideas with a 'pound of salt' because, as a 66 y/o male who has yet to 'close the deal', I'm dealing with a totally different demographic. Anyway, my personal 'tools' ....
- get back on OLD. I only use web sites and match.com is the only one I'm still willing to put up. others can recommend the phone apps: Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, CmB, etc, etc
- meetup.com

Good luck. You certainly sound like a 'good woman' who deserves to be happy.

[ExpatInItaly]

He might be nervous, yes. But so are you; your numerous threads suggest you get into your own head a lot and tend to over-think. 

He may be nervous about sex; you appear to be nervous about finding a relationship. Both of you are contributing to this dynamic, in different ways. You sense he's a bundle of nerves, and you might indeed be giving off the same vibe, in terms of finding someone and settling down. 

I would think it's a bit strange that he was bringing up sex clubs and fetishes on the first date, though. To me, that's a red flag, as it's not generally first-date conversation material. Maybe he was trying to peacock in a very misguided way and make you think he's some kind of sexual demon, or maybe his social cues are off and he doesn't have a good filter. The whole situation there sounds awkward. 

But should you choose to proceed, you both need to relax. 

[dispatch3d]

I only like alphamales post in this thread, frek. The rest of the posts, I can generally tell the gender from the tone. Give a guy a break, and a little self-reflection instead of judgement of the other person may go a ways also.....

[girlnextdoor2020]

On 7/1/2020 at 3:42 PM, Hopeful30 said:

I've started seeing this guy who is visibly nervous around me. When we fool around, he treats me like I'm made of glass: gentle kisses and touches, light petting, always making sure I'm comfortable.

I absolutely love this, but I sense that he continues to be nervous with me, despite that I've made it obvious that I'm into him.

There is no doubt that soon we are going to have sex. How can I make him more comfortable? He's made joking comments about 'doing a good job ', and I've made it clear that it's a team effort and we can always practice to get better (lol).

How can I show him (without making him feel awkward) that he has nothing to worry about? I'm genuinely easy going and open to trying new things. I want him to fully be himself during sex without being so concerned about performance. 

There are no "shy" guys. There are guys who are beta males, or are insecure, or full of unresolved traumas. "Shy" is just a word to cover all that and more.

And you shouldn't have sex with him until you figure it out what's going on with him. Take care of yourself.

Edited July 12, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[Andy_K]

On 7/1/2020 at 7:16 PM, Fresh_Start said:

You must have dated some real pantywaists if you think that's even remotely accurate.  Confidence is a state of mind.  It's an ingrained part of your personality. 

Having sex is just the cherry on top of a sundae.  It's satisfying, but it doesn't fundamentally change the entire sundae.   

I disagree with this. Sex fundamentally changes the dynamic between two people. Sex removes the unknowns, and any doubts as to where the boundaries are. For some guys this means the chase/challenge is gone and they lose interest. For others it means they can show more of the side you'll see as a partner. Similar things can often apply to women too. Male or female, you don't know what someone is really going to be like to date until after you've started having sex with them.

Edited July 12, 2020 by Andy_K

[Fresh_Start]

17 minutes ago, Andy_K said:

I disagree with this. Sex fundamentally changes the dynamic between two people. Sex removes the unknowns, and any doubts as to where the boundaries are. For some guys this means the chase/challenge is gone and they lose interest. For others it means they can show more of the side you'll see as a partner. Similar things can often apply to women too. Male or female, you don't know what someone is really going to be like to date until after you've started having sex with them.

Your argument is a complete misrepresentation of what I said and what my point was, which makes it a strawman that I'm only going to spend a few sentences addressing.  Yes, sex fundamentally changes the dynamic between two people, but that was not at all my point or what I was responding to.  

She said that a man's confidence comes from having sex, which is not true of actual confidence.  Having sex does not fundamentally change who you are or your innate attributes.  That was my point as well as the purpose of my analogy.  If a man's confidence is contingent upon having sex, then it's not real confidence; it's superficial.  It's a fleeting ego boost.

[Andy_K]

22 minutes ago, Fresh_Start said:

Your argument is a complete misrepresentation of what I said and what my point was, which makes it a strawman that I'm only going to spend a few sentences addressing.  Yes, sex fundamentally changes the dynamic between two people, but that was not at all my point or what I was responding to.  

She said that a man's confidence comes from having sex, which is not true of actual confidence.  Having sex does not fundamentally change who you are or your innate attributes.  That was my point as well as the purpose of my analogy.  If a man's confidence is contingent upon having sex, then it's not real confidence; it's superficial.  It's a fleeting ego boost.

Right, but she also said that 'He won't be fully himself until he's had sex with you a few times', which is true. People always latch onto the word confidence. But what you see when you date someone is just your interpretation of their confidence. That interpretation is highly like to change after sex, when the dynamic changes and the real personality starts to show through. His real confidence isn't contingent on sex, but much of his behaviour that governs her interpretation of his confidence (and other attributes) is.

Edited July 12, 2020 by Andy_K

[Fresh_Start]

2 hours ago, Andy_K said:

Right, but she also said that 'He won't be fully himself until he's had sex with you a few times', which is true.

I don't think it's universally true.  On nearly all of my dates and in all of my relationships, including a marriage, I was "fully myself" from day 1.  That was another facet to this that smackie9 and I were discussing -- that I may be an exception to the rule when it comes to confidence.  I explained the genesis of my own confidence in a subsequent post on the previous page and in another thread where her and I first started talking about it, which is part of the reason why my response over here was admittedly "simplified to an extreme degree" if you saw that.  This is probably why so many of my first dates ended in sex -- not because I'm some kind of pick up artist who was manipulating women with psychological tricks, but because I was so fully myself, relaxed, confident, witty, funny, flirty, etc. that the women I was on a date with had a much higher level of attraction and comfort with me.  

For me, the sex was virtually expected.  It was a natural transition at the end of a date most of the time.  Afterwards, I didn't suddenly become more confident than I was nor did it change anything about my ability to be myself.  That's what I mean about sex just being the cherry on top of the sundae (at least for me) without it fundamentally changing the entire sundae. If I'm a statistical anomaly, that's not unfamiliar territory for me.  I've been marching to the beat of my own drum and making my own rules for most of my life.