Lady_Chiara Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 Hi, Just wondering if someone can give me some advice please. I'm 31 years old and even though I have a good job, because I am on a contract, I have been living at home with my parents for the last two years. When lockdown began, I decided to join a dating app, just to entertain myself whilst stuck working from home. About two months ago, I started talking to a guy who lived half an hour from me. We really hit it off and would talk for hours. I found myself developing a romantic interest in him. When restrictions eased, he suggested that we meet up and go up for a socially- distanced picnic. He drove to me (I don't drive). We got on in person and had a good time (although I found myself feeling nervous as I felt he was cooler than me). We have since been on a few more dates, culminating with us having sex on the last date and him asking me to be his girlfriend (I agreed). He wanted to come back to my place afterwards and snuggle but I wouldn't let him as he doesn't know I live at home. Even if he did, my parents wouldn't approve as they quite religious and conservative. I've been concerned because instead of being excited by my new relationship, I feel anxious and worried. I've been suffering from stress with work, which has been having a negative effect on me. I am very into him, far more than I've been for a long time and he has said several times that he likes me a lot. I've also been anxious as he is pressing to come over and hang out. Last night, he sensed I was distant and asked me to talk to him if anything was wrong. I just asked him to slow down a bit as I'm getting overwhelmed by how fast the relationship is progressing. I've also been hurt by previous relationships and this has an impact on how I feel in this one. He was very kind and reiterated how much he cared about me and how he was scared as he didn't want to mess anything up with me. I'm just wondering how to deal with this. Part of me feels that I should end the relationship and step away from dating until I'm in a mentally and physically better place for a relationship. However, I have very strong feelings for him and don't want to end something that has been so good and has potential. He has also been hurt in the past and I don't want to hurt him again. He is one of the nicest people I've met and says he thinks we could have potential for an LTR. I feel quite confused and this situation is adding to my stress. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 A relationship should not make you anxious & stressed It should bring joy. Do tell him you live with your parents. That may cool things off. If he sticks around then you have some more evidence that he's a good guy. On some level you are afraid that he will hurt you because men hurt you in the past. It may be time to take stock of your life. Living at home at age 31; doing contract work that doesn't afford you the ability to move out & not driving all sound questionable to me. 10 1
ThorntonMelon Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 You can be madly in love and have it bring you significant anxiety depending on other aspects of your mental health. I'd very much recommend therapy if you're not seeing someone. You could care deeply and feel fear of loss (been there). Talk therapy helps a lot. You needto come clean with everything. Your living situation, whatever feelings are relevant, and then let things play out. 2 1
Ruby Slippers Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 (edited) Tell him you live with your parents and see what happens. I can imagine maintaining this facade is pretty stressful. Edited June 30, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 4
Versacehottie Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 40 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: A relationship should not make you anxious & stressed It should bring joy. Do tell him you live with your parents. That may cool things off. If he sticks around then you have some more evidence that he's a good guy. On some level you are afraid that he will hurt you because men hurt you in the past. It may be time to take stock of your life. Living at home at age 31; doing contract work that doesn't afford you the ability to move out & not driving all sound questionable to me. I agree. I think if you look at your post, it's you that is set to "skittish". I am sitting here half wondering if you signed up for the dating site and have all this getting close time because it occurred during the pandemic so it gave you a buffer where you didn't have to meet him right away and could keep him at arms length in a way. About the secret of living at home, for sure that is also what is making you nervous and skittish. You are attributing a lot to an external source, ie "him" like he's not right for you when I would wonder if you should look internally. IMO, honestly, you need to be honest with him about your living situation and see if that releases some of the pressure you feel. You might need to back off from him a touch because it sounds like you just feel a lot of uncertainty in general. But I don't see anything in there that says you should break up with him. I think in a way you are transitioning from a relationship that was easy to keep under wraps (from your parents, your living situation from him, the general slowdown and unique situation of COVID) into a real one which probably scares you. I don't know that it's a founded fear but I do think you don't know how to deal with it or don't have the experience to do so. Or maybe something before has caused you to kind of not take your life more by the horns, especially with relationships. Good luck 4
Roswell91 Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 1 hour ago, Lady_Chiara said: Hi, Just wondering if someone can give me some advice please. I'm 31 years old and even though I have a good job, because I am on a contract, I have been living at home with my parents for the last two years. When lockdown began, I decided to join a dating app, just to entertain myself whilst stuck working from home. About two months ago, I started talking to a guy who lived half an hour from me. We really hit it off and would talk for hours. I found myself developing a romantic interest in him. When restrictions eased, he suggested that we meet up and go up for a socially- distanced picnic. He drove to me (I don't drive). We got on in person and had a good time (although I found myself feeling nervous as I felt he was cooler than me). We have since been on a few more dates, culminating with us having sex on the last date and him asking me to be his girlfriend (I agreed). He wanted to come back to my place afterwards and snuggle but I wouldn't let him as he doesn't know I live at home. Even if he did, my parents wouldn't approve as they quite religious and conservative. I've been concerned because instead of being excited by my new relationship, I feel anxious and worried. I've been suffering from stress with work, which has been having a negative effect on me. I am very into him, far more than I've been for a long time and he has said several times that he likes me a lot. I've also been anxious as he is pressing to come over and hang out. Last night, he sensed I was distant and asked me to talk to him if anything was wrong. I just asked him to slow down a bit as I'm getting overwhelmed by how fast the relationship is progressing. I've also been hurt by previous relationships and this has an impact on how I feel in this one. He was very kind and reiterated how much he cared about me and how he was scared as he didn't want to mess anything up with me. I'm just wondering how to deal with this. Part of me feels that I should end the relationship and step away from dating until I'm in a mentally and physically better place for a relationship. However, I have very strong feelings for him and don't want to end something that has been so good and has potential. He has also been hurt in the past and I don't want to hurt him again. He is one of the nicest people I've met and says he thinks we could have potential for an LTR. I feel quite confused and this situation is adding to my stress. Yeah be honest with him If he cares like he says he does. None of that would matter anyway right ? It does sound like you need to take care of yourself as well though. If youre generally stressed out over him and your job. 3
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 What is the point of talking and getting to know someone for months and being intimate, if you are hesitant to tell him about something as basic as your living situation? By the way, a man who is really into you will understand. 8
Miss Spider Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 I tell men I live with my parents on the first date. Men don’t care about that ime. Just go to his house. As for your question to let him go or deal with the stress of rship — well, that is the eternal question isn’t it 1
introverted1 Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 You live at home, don't drive, and have religious/conservative parents. This sounds like a very sheltered lifestyle. Do you have plans to live independently and/or begin driving? Is your boyfriend generally in alignment with your lifestyle? 2
Ami1uwant Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 You have stress due to Covid, bring home eith parents, and doing a contract job with an end date with no future job prospects. All those 3 cause stress.
Watercolors Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 3 hours ago, ThorntonMelon said: You needto come clean with everything. Your living situation, whatever feelings are relevant, and then let things play out. Agreed. Hiding the fact that you live at home is not cool. You're 31. You have your reasons for living at home (financial) which is nothing to be ashamed of. It makes you look extremely insecure to him, if you lie about your living situation. Just come clean about it. If you want to have a serious relationship, you can't start off by lying to the other person about anything. 2
smackie9 Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 It's just a relationship. There will be curves and turns, and adjustments to be made. You are making it into a problem when it shouldn't. Communication is key. Be open and honest. If it causes issues, then it was never meant to be. 3
ShyViolet Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 Don't keep your living situation a secret from him. That's not healthy behavior. The basic facts about yourself and your living situation should be an open book from the beginning. If he's going to judge you negatively about living with your parents, then that's his problem and that shows you that he's not someone worth your time. But tell him asap and don't keep it a secret. Keeping secrets is setting up the relationship for failure. If he's really nice and you like him a lot, why would you be considering ending it? It sounds like you don't think you deserve happiness or something. Don't deny yourself a chance at having a happy relationship, just because of your anxiety. 2
Maldives Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 You be crazy to end it that work stuff will pass and resolve at some stage 1
kendahke Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 (edited) Quote When lockdown began, I decided to join a dating app, just to entertain myself whilst stuck working from home. About two months ago, I started talking to a guy who lived half an hour from me. We really hit it off and would talk for hours. I found myself developing a romantic interest in him. We have since been on a few more dates, culminating with us having sex on the last date and him asking me to be his girlfriend (I agreed). He wanted to come back to my place afterwards and snuggle but I wouldn't let him as he doesn't know I live at home. It's not a good idea to use a dating site to alleviate lifestyle boredom because of what you're facing right now. You met a guy who has decided he's into you and you went along with it for two months. If this pandemic wasn't happening, would you have still logged on to find someone to get into a relationship with given the same circumstances you're currently living in? If you want to do grown up things like be in a sexually active relationship, then it's time to do grown up things like get a better job that pays you to live on your own and move out of mom and dad's house. You're going to have to tell him the truth of why you keep saying no. It's not out of the ordinary for your boyfriend to want to come spend some one on one time at your house with you... and he's only going as fast as you've given him leave to go. I'd get your point if it was 2 weeks, but at two months, I'd say he's showing healthy interest. Up until he began wanting to come to your place, it was cool--which means your story is no longer convenient and you know you're going to have to tell him the truth. It's not good form to begin a relationship on a lie of omission. He may have been attracted to your vibe on some level of someone who's looking to be rescued from her circumstances--you're bored, you live at home and your job doesn't pay you well enough to live the way you've led him to believe you're living. Edited July 1, 2020 by kendahke 3
Foxhall Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 I thought it was always ok for a girl to live at home but an absolute "No No" for a guy to be living at home!! Anyway two things, as a guy I would say most guys would not care whether you live at home or not, and yes honesty is the best policy if you want to make the relationship work, too many lies and pretence gets too stressful as a few others mention. 1
stillafool Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 2 hours ago, Foxhall said: I thought it was always ok for a girl to live at home but an absolute "No No" for a guy to be living at home!! Why would you think that? Women need to grow up and be independent also. 2 1
stillafool Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 OP, why can't you just invite him over to meet your parents and hang out a bit? Have you told your parents about him?
Haerts Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 You're feeling that way because you're keeping important things from your boyfriend. Come clean with him and you should feel better. You don't have to break up, but you have to tell him everything that is making you feel that way. He appears to be a great guy and I really think he's not going to run away when you say these things. But you have to, it's recent so instead of making excuses for everything just tell him everything he needs to know. 1
kendahke Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 4 hours ago, Foxhall said: I thought it was always ok for a girl to live at home but an absolute "No No" for a guy to be living at home!! Certainly not when she's lying about it after she decided to get sexually active.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 5 hours ago, stillafool said: Why would you think that? Women need to grow up and be independent also. This may come as a surprise, but men and women are not the same and don't have equal pay and opportunities. In addition, women usually handle more of the childcare and homemaking chores, even when also working outside the home, so that should be also taken into consideration. 2
BaileyB Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 (edited) 22 hours ago, smackie9 said: It's just a relationship. There will be curves and turns, and adjustments to be made. You are making it into a problem when it shouldn't. Communication is key. Be open and honest. If it causes issues, then it was never meant to be. This. Just be honest with the guy, it’s not likely to be the deal breaker that you think it is... No doubt, there is more than enough stress to deal with right now. But, I’m struggling to understand why you signed up for a dating site if you are feeling so overwhelmed. I’m also struggling to understand why you had sex and agreed to be his girlfriend if this was how you are feeling. It seems to me now that you have a nice guy who is interested in dating you, you are suddenly trying to backtrack... because you are scared? I’ve done it, I recognize the signs. But here’s the thing, you have a nice guy who likes you and has said “it’s ok to take this slow” - it would be a real shame if you sabotaged that. What’s more, you will regret it - you will regret the fact that you let your fear keep you from exploring what may be a really nice relationship for you. Have a discussion with the man, be honest and tell him how you are feeling, and see what happens. The only thing I would advise you not to do is to keep dating the man without being honest with him - that’s how you hurt home. Good luck! Edited July 1, 2020 by BaileyB 2
Author Lady_Chiara Posted July 1, 2020 Author Posted July 1, 2020 Hi all, thanks for all the responses. For all the people who've said I need to sort myself out and fix my life choices- that's true, I do. I think my problem is knowing where to start. I can't drive because I kept failing when I was younger- this is a discussion for another forum however. I was considering ending the relationship to deal with my issues, such as depression, as I don't think it's fair to load these onto him at such an early stage. However, I plan to speak to him instead. Thanks for all the good advice! 2
stillafool Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 1 hour ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: This may come as a surprise, but men and women are not the same and don't have equal pay and opportunities. In addition, women usually handle more of the childcare and homemaking chores, even when also working outside the home, so that should be also taken into consideration. Unless I missed it she isn't married yet with kids to support? I agree with you otherwise but I still think before a woman marries and has kids she should experience living on her own and being independent. It makes us stronger. I was living on my own at 20 working 2 jobs to make it happen. This was before I was even thinking about a husband much less kids. 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 (edited) stillafool, you said "Women" in your statement, so my statement applies to said Women, not just the OP. Edited July 1, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1
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