When should I tell him I'm looking for something serious?

[Violetstar]

Hello,

So, I've been talking to this guy, Allen. We've been texting for a few weeks now and we've been on 2 dates, we're going on our third this Friday. On our last date, I made a move and kissed him. We were drinking pretty heavily so I sort of got a little sloppy and was basically all over him, like a total idiot. NOTHING HAPPENED except for kissing. However, he started getting pretty confident and became really handsy with me, putting his hands on my butt and over my shirt. Because I was a little drunk, I didn't stop him but he did NOT get underneath anything and I wouldn't have allowed him to either. 

I told him I didn't want to drink anymore on our dates, I needed to detox (I actually just don't trust myself drinking). I'm wondering whether i should be straight out on our next date and tell him I'm looking for something serious or will this kind of a turn off to guys? I'm also afraid that maybe I gave him the wrong signals, possibly making him believe I only want to fool around because of how I acted the other day, drunk? I don't do flings or friends with benefits because I always get emotionally attached and my heart broken so i only like commitment or friendship but nothing in between. 

Should I tell him BEFORE our next date? Or during? So, neither of us wastes our time? I don't know if he is going with the flow or what he wants either because neither of us have said anything. 

[chillii]

Yeah most def' , talk to him.

lf he is looking for the same it won't matter but if he's not then it is better you know now surely..

[Roswell91]

6 hours ago, Violetstar said:

Hello,

So, I've been talking to this guy, Allen. We've been texting for a few weeks now and we've been on 2 dates, we're going on our third this Friday. On our last date, I made a move and kissed him. We were drinking pretty heavily so I sort of got a little sloppy and was basically all over him, like a total idiot. NOTHING HAPPENED except for kissing. However, he started getting pretty confident and became really handsy with me, putting his hands on my butt and over my shirt. Because I was a little drunk, I didn't stop him but he did NOT get underneath anything and I wouldn't have allowed him to either. 

I told him I didn't want to drink anymore on our dates, I needed to detox (I actually just don't trust myself drinking). I'm wondering whether i should be straight out on our next date and tell him I'm looking for something serious or will this kind of a turn off to guys? I'm also afraid that maybe I gave him the wrong signals, possibly making him believe I only want to fool around because of how I acted the other day, drunk? I don't do flings or friends with benefits because I always get emotionally attached and my heart broken so i only like commitment or friendship but nothing in between. 

Should I tell him BEFORE our next date? Or during? So, neither of us wastes our time? I don't know if he is going with the flow or what he wants either because neither of us have said anything. 

Yeah you should have controlled yourself more if what you're looking for is not simply a fwb or casual thing.

If you're  looking for something serious, tell him before the next  date. If hes scared away then he's not on the same page and only wants a fling. 

Lots of people OLD  tell me pretty much early on or on their profiles, its stated that  they want something serious.

It shouldnt be offputting to some one who has the same intentions

Edited June 30, 2020 by Roswell91

[Giovane]

I'd suggest not bringing it up right away. Just go on the date, act normal, try to have fun and see how he behaves - you know what you want, but observing his behavior just might give you clues as to what he is looking for.

If and when he gets touchy-feely, stop him and explain how you feel about that.

[d0nnivain]

Limiting your drinking on this next date is probably the best plan.  

You do have to correct the record sooner rather than later.  When he offers you alcohol on this 3rd date decline.  Then say, my behavior under the influence last time probably gave you the wrong impression.  I'm not usually like that.  I'm looking for a relationship not a ONS.  Just wanted to make that clear.  

See how he acts & what he says.  If your declaration turns him off you only lost a guy you weren't compatible with anyway.  

[alphamale]

naming the kids already?  why not wait for a couple of months before having that talk with him, get to know one another

[Violetstar]

18 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Limiting your drinking on this next date is probably the best plan.  

You do have to correct the record sooner rather than later.  When he offers you alcohol on this 3rd date decline.  Then say, my behavior under the influence last time probably gave you the wrong impression.  I'm not usually like that.  I'm looking for a relationship not a ONS.  Just wanted to make that clear.  

See how he acts & what he says.  If your declaration turns him off you only lost a guy you weren't compatible with anyway.  

I actually really like this idea. I told him I didn't want to drink for a while because it wasn't good for me.

And, I did NOT meet him online so there was no profile to read regarding relationship wants lol. We used to be co-workers but we dont know each others history very well. 

Part of me just wants to keep dating and having fun without putting labels on anything but i know i DEF, DEF, DO NOT want a friends with benefits situation just because the last time i did that it ended so horribly, it was slightly traumatizing. 

So, on our next date I'll make it clear that although I went a little bananas while highly intoxicated, I don't actually want that. I'll just apologize and tell him I don't regret anything BUUUUT, that I don't want to be impulsive with my decisions and I don't want any quick fling or anything. He seems like a pretty logical, reasonable guy. And, I'm the one who made the initial moves like a thirsty madwoman. So, i'll be straightout. Thanks. 

 

[Maldives]

Ye say that that's what your looking for a relationship but you wanna get to know the person first before it progresses to that. Only can speak for myself but when woman tel me that straight off the bat and most do off the dating apps I must say it kinda makes me freak out a little because I don't know the person well enough yet to make any kind of commitment statement it should be about going out having fun and getting to know one another and wether your the right fit not all this serious talk stuff because I donno about other men but immediately wen I hear that word serious I think the woman is In a mad rush to get married.

Edited July 1, 2020 by Goodguy05

[manfrombelow]

It's very rare when the woman initiated such an intimate move like the kiss during the first few dates.

This indicates OP - a woman - was way more emotionally invested in the guy than he is to her.

And by "looking for something serious" at such an early stage, OP is becoming more and more needy, clingy and desperate, which will EVENTUALLY make her become unattractive to him and drive him away.

[smackie9]

That's what going out on dates is about...getting a feel for each other in what you are looking for, not just about what your favorite colour is.

[Haerts]

7 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

And by "looking for something serious" at such an early stage, OP is becoming more and more needy, clingy and desperate, which will EVENTUALLY make her become unattractive to him and drive him away.

I find this so damn lame. Why is it such a bad thing to say what you're looking for? You're not proposing or saying you have to start a relationship right away, you're just checking what the other person is up to. Because, yeah, some people are only looking for fun and it's not going to progress to something else.

Personally though, I wouldn't bring up that subject now; not because I wouldn't want to know (I would be dying to, really), but because men apparently don't take that well. So go slowly.

On 6/30/2020 at 11:18 AM, Violetstar said:

I'm also afraid that maybe I gave him the wrong signals, possibly making him believe I only want to fool around because of how I acted the other day, drunk?

Just be yourself. Remember: you're also new to him. You're both still getting to know each other, and if you're going for a third date, that means he's still interested. Keep alcohol out of your dates for now though, it's normally not a great idea to drink to that point.

[Violetstar]

20 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

It's very rare when the woman initiated such an intimate move like the kiss during the first few dates.

This indicates OP - a woman - was way more emotionally invested in the guy than he is to her.

And by "looking for something serious" at such an early stage, OP is becoming more and more needy, clingy and desperate, which will EVENTUALLY make her become unattractive to him and drive him away.

Actually not really. I normally make the first move by the 2nd date and I've never had an issue with it. This is the first time that I acted so aggressive though. And keep in mind, I was HAMMERED. And, that's what's made me feel so nervous and self-conscious. 

I wouldn't classify myself as needy, I just don't want to invest my time in what could be a booty call for him. I took a 2 year break from relationships to purely date and have fun. And, I had tons of fun. And, now I just want something reliable, something more than the last fling where he would call me up on a Saturday night after 10pm you know? 

But, I'm dating 2 other guys who have been very upfront and forthright about what they want which is a relationship. I do like him a little more than the others but I'll just go with the flow and not put all my ovaries in his basket. 

23 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

Ye say that that's what your looking for a relationship but you wanna get to know the person first before it progresses to that. Only can speak for myself but when woman tel me that straight off the bat and most do off the dating apps I must say it kinda makes me freak out a little because I don't know the person well enough yet to make any kind of commitment statement it should be about going out having fun and getting to know one another and wether your the right fit not all this serious talk stuff because I donno about other men but immediately wen I hear that word serious I think the woman is In a mad rush to get married.

Yeah, I don't really know about marriage. I'm still pretty young and so is he. But, in case ALL GUYS THINK this way, i'll be careful about using the word serious then.

13 hours ago, Haerts said:

I find this so damn lame. Why is it such a bad thing to say what you're looking for? You're not proposing or saying you have to start a relationship right away, you're just checking what the other person is up to. Because, yeah, some people are only looking for fun and it's not going to progress to something else.

Personally though, I wouldn't bring up that subject now; not because I wouldn't want to know (I would be dying to, really), but because men apparently don't take that well. So go slowly.

Just be yourself. Remember: you're also new to him. You're both still getting to know each other, and if you're going for a third date, that means he's still interested. Keep alcohol out of your dates for now though, it's normally not a great idea to drink to that point.

It's funny because I ALWAYS do online dating! So, generally we BOTH know what the other person is interested in BEFORE the first date! This is absolutely new territory for me. We don't know each other's history or intentions and even the first date was a little odd where we were both very nervous and quiet. I won't mention being serious with him and maybe just try to see if he ever brings anything up. 

 

 

[Haerts]

11 minutes ago, Violetstar said:

It's funny because I ALWAYS do online dating! So, generally we BOTH know what the other person is interested in BEFORE the first date! This is absolutely new territory for me. We don't know each other's history or intentions and even the first date was a little odd where we were both very nervous and quiet. I won't mention being serious with him and maybe just try to see if he ever brings anything up. 

It's pretty much the same for me tbh. lol

I was also on a break for 2 years from relationships and I also had lots of fun. 

But I never made clear what my intentions were before the first date. Maybe because I wasn't ever looking for anything serious in the first place.

With this new guy I'm just taking things slow though. So yeah, I'd suggest you to wait a little more before asking anything. 

[basil67]

On 6/30/2020 at 9:37 PM, alphamale said:

why not wait for a couple of months before having that talk with him, get to know one another

Because a couple of months is a lot of wasted dates if you don't want the same thing.

[Juha]

 

So you were out partying and I assume sleeping around for two years and now you are locking yourself away for a relationship

You are going to have a set of rules now to follow?  Meanwhile you are multi dating

To be honest you never know about being in a relationship until you meet the right person.[

I am sure without knowing each other how can either of you make a statement about wanting a relationship?

Declaring it at such an early stage just puts pressure on the situation in my eyes.

 

Just date, get to know each other, have fun, and see where things go.

If you two like each other a relationship will happen organically

 

Just seems like you are all over the place a little here

 

[Dis]

I actually always found it difficult to leave the thought of sex in the background when I was dating even though I never did FWB or casual dating because like you, my heart was too involved for that. It was so tricky because I always wanted to have sex, still do but I always waited for quite awhile to do that even though I was kind of a tease

 

And that can give guys the wrong impression. Kind of a pickle of a situation. 

 

Talk to him about it light heartedly and don't get drunk again. Make sure he's really on the same page as you and not just saying that to get in your pants.

 

Btw, I don't think you were being needy at all. We all have our moments. Don't beat yourself up for it.  

[Phallacy]

Quite possibly the most important thing I’ve learned from dating is to NEVER be the first to start the exclusive talk, especially for the guy.

The moment someone does? The scale of power is tipped away from the person asking.

See, you want something first and now you put yourself in the position of being needy.

This so called dance is a tightrope for some.

I had a gal tell me she didn’t have sex outside of a committed relationship. I told her that’s fine, I don’t spend money outside of one...

[BaileyB]

While the older I get, the more I have learned not to play games - if you want to find a serious relationship with a man than communicate that clearly. There is nothing wrong with telling a man what YOU want - and then he can tell you if he wants the same thing. 

And, the mother in me says be careful with the alcohol. You lose all credibility when your words don’t match your actions and you start sending all kinds of mixed signals....

[rjc149]

On 7/1/2020 at 10:47 PM, Violetstar said:

I just want something reliable, something more than the last fling where he would call me up on a Saturday night after 10pm you know? 

But, I'm dating 2 other guys 

I think the question is, do you really want a committed relationship, or just a reliable hookup? Sounds like you're very much still in your dating phase. 

You'll hear differing opinions on multi-dating. Me, personally, the idea that you're being promiscuous in order to be monogamous is inherently paradoxical. If you're multi-dating, it's hard to shake that mindset of 'the grass could be greener somewhere else' and adopting the mindset of a committed relationship, 'the grass is greener where you water it.' The fact that you're still  'riding the carousel' tells me that you're not in that mindset at this point. 

Do I think you should tell this guy you're looking for something serious? I don't think he'll care when, or whether, you say it, nor do I think it matters. Hanky panky is within his grasp, and you're still enjoying the buffet. 

[Hopeful30]

On 6/29/2020 at 9:18 PM, Violetstar said:

Hello,

So, I've been talking to this guy, Allen. We've been texting for a few weeks now and we've been on 2 dates, we're going on our third this Friday. On our last date, I made a move and kissed him. We were drinking pretty heavily so I sort of got a little sloppy and was basically all over him, like a total idiot. NOTHING HAPPENED except for kissing. However, he started getting pretty confident and became really handsy with me, putting his hands on my butt and over my shirt. Because I was a little drunk, I didn't stop him but he did NOT get underneath anything and I wouldn't have allowed him to either. 

I told him I didn't want to drink anymore on our dates, I needed to detox (I actually just don't trust myself drinking). I'm wondering whether i should be straight out on our next date and tell him I'm looking for something serious or will this kind of a turn off to guys? I'm also afraid that maybe I gave him the wrong signals, possibly making him believe I only want to fool around because of how I acted the other day, drunk? I don't do flings or friends with benefits because I always get emotionally attached and my heart broken so i only like commitment or friendship but nothing in between. 

Should I tell him BEFORE our next date? Or during? So, neither of us wastes our time? I don't know if he is going with the flow or what he wants either because neither of us have said anything. 

You might not want to hear this, but if you want something serious, you should act like it. Would you want to get serious with a man who can't hold his liquor so early on?

I would not ask or tell him, but insinuate that you want serious. Start including him in future plans, talk about "we" and "us". He'll sense it and you can judge by his response if he's on board.

[Violetstar]

Thanks all for your replies.

I wanted to wrap up this situation because the irony here is that I decided NOT to pursue this fella after all. On our 3rd date, he talked WAAAY too much about other women he had previously dated and slept with, calling them "total bombshells" and proudly labeled himself a "heartbreaker." It's ironic because he's cute but he's not the best looking guy I've dated and he's very short and small for his age. It seemed like he had this incessant need to demonstrate his value to women everywhere rather than the woman sitting in front of him (me). 

So, I politely told him I was NOT interested in FWB or sleeping around as it seemed like he had a history of doing this with other women. The fella got all weird and panicky and was like, "No, no, I'm interested in dating you as a serious option, I didn't think of you as some quick fling. We can date seriously, I'm interested in that with you."

But, by then I was completely turned off by his stories. I actually just sent him a message last night saying I didn't think we were compatible and we should go our separate ways. So, I guess there was no need to mention my intentions because it didn't last very long anyway! LOL

Edited July 9, 2020 by Violetstar

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry it didn't work out but your story is an example of why you don't have to make announcements  / disclosures.  Sometimes all you have to do is listen & watch.  The other person will reveal who they are.  If the new person you are dating is a serious quality partner that will become apparent.  

[mr_marvel]

On 6/30/2020 at 8:18 AM, Violetstar said:

Hello,

So, I've been talking to this guy, Allen. We've been texting for a few weeks now and we've been on 2 dates, we're going on our third this Friday. On our last date, I made a move and kissed him. [/quote]

1. Normally this should be the guy's job. The fact that you, a woman, had to initiated the kiss indicates that your interest level at that moment was way higher than his to you.

On 6/30/2020 at 8:18 AM, Violetstar said:

We were drinking pretty heavily so I sort of got a little sloppy and was basically all over him, like a total idiot. NOTHING HAPPENED except for kissing. However, he started getting pretty confident and became really handsy with me, putting his hands on my butt and over my shirt. Because I was a little drunk, I didn't stop him but he did NOT get underneath anything and I wouldn't have allowed him to either. [/quote]

2. Of course I would allow myself to touch you heavily if there was an exchange of saliva and tongues. After all, why NOT? The bolded part is not something I buy, sorry.

On 6/30/2020 at 8:18 AM, Violetstar said:

I told him I didn't want to drink anymore on our dates, I needed to detox (I actually just don't trust myself drinking). I'm wondering whether i should be straight out on our next date and tell him I'm looking for something serious or will this kind of a turn off to guys? I'm also afraid that maybe I gave him the wrong signals, possibly making him believe I only want to fool around because of how I acted the other day, drunk? I don't do flings or friends with benefits because I always get emotionally attached and my heart broken so i only like commitment or friendship but nothing in between. 

Should I tell him BEFORE our next date? Or during? So, neither of us wastes our time? I don't know if he is going with the flow or what he wants either because neither of us have said anything. 

3. The purpose of the date is for both parties to have a fun-filled, relaxed and comfortable time with one another. Yes of course we as human beings all look for a "serious" relationships eventually but it's something that only develops LATER, even MUCH LATER. There's no place for "seriousness" in the game of dating. 

[Violetstar]

On 7/10/2020 at 1:00 AM, mr_marvel said:

1. Normally this should be the guy's job. The fact that you, a woman, had to initiated the kiss indicates that your interest level at that moment was way higher than his to you.

2. Of course I would allow myself to touch you heavily if there was an exchange of saliva and tongues. After all, why NOT? The bolded part is not something I buy, sorry.

3. The purpose of the date is for both parties to have a fun-filled, relaxed and comfortable time with one another. Yes of course we as human beings all look for a "serious" relationships eventually but it's something that only develops LATER, even MUCH LATER. There's no place for "seriousness" in the game of dating. 

I already broke it off with this guy lol. The topic of what we are looking for came up very naturally, on it's own. He is looking for something serious too. But, he turned out to be a jerk. So, I guess this question didn't matter.  

[Psalm]

For future reference, you should always tell someone your intentions early on to avoid wasting his time or yours.