German29 Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 I read a lot of posts in the last days and the major consensus is that staying friends with an ex is in general a bad idea if the idea of reconciliation is still there. My Situation: We met on Tinder, were together for 2 1/2 months and then she broke up because I wasn't respecting her need for space. I accepted the breakup and it opened my eyes in such a way that I am probably not in a good mindset for a relationship in the moment. We still care for each other. The breakup happened 4 weeks ago with light contact from both sides. During that time I came to the final conclusion that we are compatible but both of us need to put some work in ourselves. Since we know each other just for 3 months, I somehow have the feeling that a friendship would be a good idea to get to know each other better and have a stronger foundation. We rushed into the relationship quite strongly. From there on things will maybe work out or not. Don't get me wrong, I am not thinking about reconciling right away because I have to finish some things in my life before I am really ready for a relationship. Is this a stupid idea?
d0nnivain Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 It's a naïve idea. They say love is friendship that caught fire but these days people do not understand how to date. A date is a specific designated time to spend together to get to know each other. Several dates do not necessarily constitute a relationship, at least not on the same deeply committed plane as a long term exclusive bond. In the 1st few months you should not rely too heavily on the new person in your life. Even though you are hugging, kissing & maybe having sex, it's like any other friendship. . . .it takes time to nurture the interaction to grow the bond stronger. When you push for too much emotional intimacy too fast you ruin things because there is no foundation. The problem with a post break up "friendship" is that stopping the physical just messes with everybody's head. It's too complicated to go backwards. Next relationship slow down up front so you don't have these problems. 1
salparadise Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 41 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: The problem with a post break up "friendship" is that stopping the physical just messes with everybody's head. It's too complicated to go backwards. Yes! I do not think friendship and dating relationship are a matter of degrees. They're different categories. Of course a certain type of friendship usually exists within a romantic relationship, but it's an aspect of, and dependent upon, the romance. Cancel the romance and you are seldom left with a conventional friendship that is sustainable. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 It's probably not going to work out the way you hope, OP. Envision this: you start to chat or hang out again, just as friends. Then the day comes that she tells you she can't meet up with you because she's got a date. Or, you noticed she's more distracted and distant, and come to discover she's talking to another guy. How will that feel? It's a plausible risk, given that she has already ended it with you and thus made herself single and available to date others.
Blind-Sided Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 4 hours ago, d0nnivain said: It's a naïve idea. They say love is friendship that caught fire but these days people do not understand how to date. The problem with a post break up "friendship" is that stopping the physical just messes with everybody's head. It's too complicated to go backwards. Next relationship slow down up front so you don't have these problems. I agree 100% ! First... you really never can be friends with an ex, because one person, will still have feelings. (normally the person who didn't really want to break up) So, in reality... you aren't a friend... you are hovering, and waiting for your next opening. Not to mention... you will be jealous when your ex starts dating, and having sex with someone else. This will cause anger where there shouldn't be any. Second... d0nnivain is right... people don't know how to date anymore. The online thing has taken the "Organic" meeting out of it... where you already know the other person, and ask if they want to go out, and replaces it with a point of where you both know that you want a partner (or hook-up) and that's why you arranged a meeting. Then, it's too easy to say... "That person isn't an exact match, so I will just look on my phone again for the next person." Heck... talking with friends... that can happen while on the date. (not giving it a fair chance to begin with) And lastly... if your new GF finds out you are still a friend of your ex... that will end poorly also, since the new GF will feel she is just a filler or rebound. And finally... you have known this person for 3 months !!!! There really isn't even a friendship there. There is no reason to try to establish one. You met online, with one intention. (Relationship) It's not like you met doing a hobby, or because you are in the same circle of people. The ONE thing that brought you together didn't happen. Just be done, move on, and be happy with your next partner. Good luck.
rjc149 Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 19 hours ago, German29 said: I came to the final conclusion that we are compatible but both of us need to put some work in ourselves. Did she also come to that final conclusion? Sounds like her final conclusion is that you're needy and she isn't interested in dating you. Her attraction for you is likely below a 5 on a 1-10 scale. Being needy and clingy will tend to do that. Staying friends with her isn't going to raise that, if that's what you're hoping for. While you're being her friend and her shoulder to cry on, building a strong foundation, she's out banging new guys on Tinder. But you'll accept that, because you have her on a pedestal and you're desperate for another shot with her. It's just more needy and clingy behavior. The work you need to put into yourself is the ability to be strong, walk away, and meet new women. Not trying to figure out the best way to remain in your ex's orbit so you can have another opportunity with her. The reason you're hung up over a girl you dated for less than 3 months is because you're in a scarcity mindset. If you felt you had abundant options, you wouldn't have acted needy, and if you were dumped, you would simply shrug your shoulders 'meh' and move on to other women. Having options, or behaving like you have options, is the most attractive way to behave in this circumstance. 1
Emilie Jolie Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 20 hours ago, German29 said: Don't get me wrong, I am not thinking about reconciling right away because I have to finish some things in my life before I am really ready for a relationship. So you want to keep her within your reach for a time you are ready for a relationship? I don't think it's a stupid idea more than it is a self-serving idea (sorry for the bluntness!). Let each other go, finish the things in your life that you need finishing, then revisit if you still both want to. Lots of people can remain friends with their exes - in your situation though, you are not being completely genuine with your intentions - for this reason alone, you should not pursue this idea.
elaine567 Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 SHE dumped YOU, so you don't really get to decide anything. If you feel you need "work", then do the "work", but you don't get to dictate how much "work" she needs to do... If she thought you were compatible, she probably would not have dumped you Women can be friends with exes all day and all night but it doesn't mean she wants you back. It was a "relationship" that didn't even make the 3 month mark. Let it go.
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