kenziejane Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 Just looking for opinions on something that happened with a guy I'm seeing. We had plans to hang out yesterday, in the afternoon. I hear from him in the morning, when he tells me he drank too much the night before and is having a rough morning. Okay, well it was Saturday night. Pretty normal, whatever. I go about my morning, shower and start getting ready around 2pm. He still hasn't said anything about our plans so I shoot a text asking when he's coming by. And that's when he tells me he's too exhausted, had a long night, and is just going to stay home and chill. I immediately got a little triggered-- I was married to an alcoholic for four years. One of the things he would do was get so wasted in the evenings, that he'd be too tired and hungover to spend any time with me the next day. It was a really lonely relationship. And I know this guy is not my ex, but him cancelling our plans because he was hungover made me so irritated. You knew you were supposed to see me...so why weren't you more responsible the night before? Yet now I can't stop thinking about it. I know he was drunk Friday night too, because he called me and said as much. And he mentioned on our last date that he had a DUI. I can forgive people for a lot, and one DUI isn't enough for me to write someone off. But still. Now I'm just sitting here wondering if I've gotten involved with yet another alcoholic, or if I'm just so affected by my marriage/divorce to one that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I don't mind people drinking, I also like to go out and have drinks. This bothered me though. I'm also bugged by the fact that he waited until I asked about our plans to tell me he didn't want to hang out anymore. My friends are split, some thinking my anxiety is valid and others thinking it's not a big deal and I should just shrug it off. People get hungover, it happens. I guess I'm just curious to hear from others. For context, I'm 30 and he's 29.
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 Because it's a sensitive issue for you it's bothering you more then it would if you had not been married to an alcoholic. Sometime this week, calmly tell him what you told us -- that his behavior brought up bad memories of your alcoholic EX. Politely ask him to be more sensitive & conscientious. Go from there. If he stops behaving like a drunk, let this weekend go but if the pattern continues yep, you've picked another one. 3
Roswell91 Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 18 minutes ago, kenziejane said: Just looking for opinions on something that happened with a guy I'm seeing. We had plans to hang out yesterday, in the afternoon. I hear from him in the morning, when he tells me he drank too much the night before and is having a rough morning. Okay, well it was Saturday night. Pretty normal, whatever. I go about my morning, shower and start getting ready around 2pm. He still hasn't said anything about our plans so I shoot a text asking when he's coming by. And that's when he tells me he's too exhausted, had a long night, and is just going to stay home and chill. I immediately got a little triggered-- I was married to an alcoholic for four years. One of the things he would do was get so wasted in the evenings, that he'd be too tired and hungover to spend any time with me the next day. It was a really lonely relationship. And I know this guy is not my ex, but him cancelling our plans because he was hungover made me so irritated. You knew you were supposed to see me...so why weren't you more responsible the night before? Yet now I can't stop thinking about it. I know he was drunk Friday night too, because he called me and said as much. And he mentioned on our last date that he had a DUI. I can forgive people for a lot, and one DUI isn't enough for me to write someone off. But still. Now I'm just sitting here wondering if I've gotten involved with yet another alcoholic, or if I'm just so affected by my marriage/divorce to one that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I don't mind people drinking, I also like to go out and have drinks. This bothered me though. I'm also bugged by the fact that he waited until I asked about our plans to tell me he didn't want to hang out anymore. My friends are split, some thinking my anxiety is valid and others thinking it's not a big deal and I should just shrug it off. People get hungover, it happens. I guess I'm just curious to hear from others. For context, I'm 30 and he's 29. Some people like to drink at the weekend, they're not necessarily all alcoholics. Your past definitely is effecting this. I think him saying he was trashed from the night before was probably him hinting he can't meet without saying it outright. Just see how things go. You know the signs better than the average of a person relying too much on their drink.
kendahke Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 (edited) 27 minutes ago, kenziejane said: You knew you were supposed to see me...so why weren't you more responsible the night before? Because he didn't want to be. Him getting blotto on Friday and Saturday was more important than hanging out with you on Sunday. Since you know the signs of alcoholism, you know that this isn't where you need to be and he isn't who you need to be with. Let him have his boozy Saturdays and hung over Sundays while you go on with your life. Quote Yet now I can't stop thinking about it. I know he was drunk Friday night too, because he called me and said as much. And he mentioned on our last date that he had a DUI. I can forgive people for a lot, and one DUI isn't enough for me to write someone off. He's not your next relationship. He is your lesson the universe sent to see if you are for real about not wanting another "enabling an alcoholic" relationship in your life. Edited June 29, 2020 by kendahke 1
Author kenziejane Posted June 29, 2020 Author Posted June 29, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Roswell91 said: Some people like to drink at the weekend, they're not necessarily all alcoholics. Your past definitely is effecting this. I think him saying he was trashed from the night before was probably him hinting he can't meet without saying it outright. Just see how things go. You know the signs better than the average of a person relying too much on their drink. True, and I don't want to label everyone who drinks on the weekends an alcoholic...especially because I'm one of them lol. It's frustrating because I'm aware I'm doing it-- that my past experience is negatively affecting my present. But you're right, I do know the signs. I'm just scared of getting into that situation again. I think it's maybe something I should bring up with my therapist tomorrow. Edited June 29, 2020 by kenziejane 4
Author kenziejane Posted June 29, 2020 Author Posted June 29, 2020 21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Because it's a sensitive issue for you it's bothering you more then it would if you had not been married to an alcoholic. Sometime this week, calmly tell him what you told us -- that his behavior brought up bad memories of your alcoholic EX. Politely ask him to be more sensitive & conscientious. Go from there. If he stops behaving like a drunk, let this weekend go but if the pattern continues yep, you've picked another one. Okay, you're right. I definitely should tell him. I know he's aware my ex was an alcoholic, but I don't want to resent this man for things my ex did. So you're absolutely right, I need to tell him why it bothered me so much and see if that changes anything going forward. I don't want him to change his life, like I'm all for responsibly drinking and having fun. But not to the point where you are so hungover, you blow off plans, you know? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 12 minutes ago, kenziejane said: I don't want him to change his life, like I'm all for responsibly drinking and having fun. But not to the point where you are so hungover, you blow off plans, you know? I would be turned off by that, too. I don't think he's in alcoholic territory but I also wouldn't want to waste my time with someone who's so hungover he bails on plans - and waits until I ask him if he's still up for meeting to actually say so. I would keep looking, personally. His lifestyle is different enough from yours that it's already causing issues. 2
Author kenziejane Posted June 29, 2020 Author Posted June 29, 2020 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: I would be turned off by that, too. I don't think he's in alcoholic territory but I also wouldn't want to waste my time with someone who's so hungover he bails on plans - and waits until I ask him if he's still up for meeting to actually say so. I would keep looking, personally. His lifestyle is different enough from yours that it's already causing issues. Our lifestyles are different, that's a great way of looking at it. Yeah, I think I'm going to take your advice. I know I won't be up for spending all my weekend nights drinking, which is purely a personal choice and one he may not agree with.
Fox Sake Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 Before you make any decisions you should confront him with your issues and past experiences so he understands and give him a chance to redeem himself. there’s always the possibility that he doesn’t see his own behaviour or think it’s an issue
Author kenziejane Posted June 29, 2020 Author Posted June 29, 2020 5 minutes ago, Fox Sake said: Before you make any decisions you should confront him with your issues and past experiences so he understands and give him a chance to redeem himself. there’s always the possibility that he doesn’t see his own behaviour or think it’s an issue He knows about my ex, and that he was an alcoholic. But I agree. The next time we talk, I'm going to bring it up.
Roswell91 Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 20 minutes ago, kenziejane said: He knows about my ex, and that he was an alcoholic. But I agree. The next time we talk, I'm going to bring it up. Give him a chance to take on board your feelings. And see if he changes his behaviour. If not, you know what to do.
poppyfields Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, kenziejane said: True, and I don't want to label everyone who drinks on the weekends an alcoholic...especially because I'm one of them lol. It's frustrating because I'm aware I'm doing it-- that my past experience is negatively affecting my present. But you're right, I do know the signs. I think you're missing the real issue. It's not that he likes to drink on the weekends, many people do. The issue is his drinking took priority over spending time with you, keeping his date with you. And it typically gets worse, not better. That's when you know someone has a drinking problem, when their drinking negatively impacts their relationships. Which it's beginning to happen with yours, hence this thread. In short, and I'm sorry to be blunt, but this suggests he loves his drink more than he loves you. I don't think your past has much to do with this, any person familiar with alcoholism, even without your past, would be concerned about this. I know I would be. It's a big red flag imo. Edited June 29, 2020 by poppyfields 3
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 I know I have been drinking more during Covid so that may be a factor. Again, talk about it. See if that changes anything. then make your decision but know in your heart this IS his 2nd chance.
introverted1 Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 I would not be impressed by a grown man who has a DUI and gets drunk every Friday and Saturday night, particularly to the point where he's unable to keep the plans he previously made. Either he isn't feeling it with OP or he doesn't know his limits; neither one of these is promising. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 In my book, a guy who gets so drunk he can't keep a date with a woman the next day is a loser. I'd lose all interest, myself. 4
Acacia98 Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 You know, when people are dating, they're typically on their best behavior. This is his best behavior: drinking and driving; cancelling a date, not because of some kind of emergency or responsibility, but because he chose to drink above his limit. At best, the dude sounds pretty irresponsible and inconsiderate. At worst, he has a drinking problem. It basically doesn't get better than this. And you're already irritated. I hate to imagine what your future together would look like. 3
preraph Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 It does kind of sound like liquor is running his life. You ought to be able to tell by hanging out with him. Does he always have to drink? I bet he never socializes without drinking.
Giovane Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 It's one thing to "have a drink" - I do that too, occasionally - and quite another thing to get wasted on two consecutive nights. Maybe if he were 21 and only just discovering alcohol, but at 29? Plus a DUI - that's not normal, this guy has a problem. Or is this sort of behavior actually considered "normal" in the USA? Not bothering to tell you he can't make it on Sunday is yet another red flag. From what I read here, this guy needs to get a grip on his life and you could probably do much better than that. 1
Giovane Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 51 minutes ago, Acacia98 said: You know, when people are dating, they're typically on their best behavior. This is his best behavior: drinking and driving; cancelling a date, not because of some kind of emergency or responsibility, but because he chose to drink above his limit. At best, the dude sounds pretty irresponsible and inconsiderate. At worst, he has a drinking problem. It basically doesn't get better than this. And you're already irritated. I hate to imagine what your future together would look like. +1!
ShyViolet Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 I would give him the benefit of the doubt this one time.... let it go.... but if this behavior becomes a pattern, then you should be concerned and maybe take that as a sign that this guy may have a drinking problem, and be very wary of getting seriously involved with him.
Fox Sake Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: I would give him the benefit of the doubt this one time.... let it go.... but if this behavior becomes a pattern, then you should be concerned and maybe take that as a sign that this guy may have a drinking problem, and be very wary of getting seriously involved with him. I wouldn’t say let it go, per say... but I agree with the rest of what you said. I think there’s a conversation needs to happen there between them. You teach people how to treat you and I wouldn’t let something like that start making me harbour resentment towards a partner without saying something. Edited June 29, 2020 by Fox Sake
ThorntonMelon Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 5 hours ago, kenziejane said: We had plans to hang out yesterday, in the afternoon. I hear from him in the morning, when he tells me he drank too much the night before and is having a rough morning. Okay, well it was Saturday night. Pretty normal, whatever. I go about my morning, shower and start getting ready around 2pm. He still hasn't said anything about our plans so I shoot a text asking when he's coming by. And that's when he tells me he's too exhausted, had a long night, and is just going to stay home and chill. Unless this is a long term relationship, I'd bail with that. He's not that interested. 1
poppyfields Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, ShyViolet said: I would give him the benefit of the doubt .... What doubt? I don't see any doubt to give him the benefit of. Has a DUI conviction on his record, got drunk Friday night and thought so little of OP that he got drunk Saturday night as well, which rendered him so hungover on Sun, he blew the OP off. That's just insulting. He would be a next in my book, higher standards and all that. Edited June 29, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Snow_Queen Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 4 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: In my book, a guy who gets so drunk he can't keep a date with a woman the next day is a loser. I'd lose all interest, myself. Well said. She also had to send him a text to ask if their plans were still on. I have a feeling if she didn’t ask, he probably wouldn’t have let her know. These two actions alone would be a huge turnoff for many people. 1
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