MrAskAQuestion Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 Hey y’all. I’m in my mid 20s, and have been living in with family up until this point. I recently began helping taking care of a relative and found it to be too much on me mentally, my work and social life. I’m not very social but always eager to put myself out there and meet new people. I recently decided to move out on my own, into a shared living space. I never got the college experience of living with other people or getting to know people my age because I was always working, helping my relatives or studying. Now I have the means, I sorta want it, but my gf of 1.5 years is sad that I don’t want to move in with her somewhere (she lives at home too and has been depressed since high school, also in early 20s). We want a future together with kids and to eventually move in together, but I also want to have a private living space and have some kind of experience. Am I wrong for wanting this first? I’ve been really depressed living at home and now I feel like I don’t have a choice. Mind you; I care about my gf and her mental health too, but i feel like I’ve bent over for family for far too long and now it’s like I can’t do something for myself...maybe I’m venting...this quarantine has made things harder on me too. thanks for any replies 1
Roswell91 Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 10 minutes ago, MrAskAQuestion said: Hey y’all. I’m in my mid 20s, and have been living in with family up until this point. I recently began helping taking care of a relative and found it to be too much on me mentally, my work and social life. I’m not very social but always eager to put myself out there and meet new people. I recently decided to move out on my own, into a shared living space. I never got the college experience of living with other people or getting to know people my age because I was always working, helping my relatives or studying. Now I have the means, I sorta want it, but my gf of 1.5 years is sad that I don’t want to move in with her somewhere (she lives at home too and has been depressed since high school, also in early 20s). We want a future together with kids and to eventually move in together, but I also want to have a private living space and have some kind of experience. Am I wrong for wanting this first? I’ve been really depressed living at home and now I feel like I don’t have a choice. Mind you; I care about my gf and her mental health too, but i feel like I’ve bent over for family for far too long and now it’s like I can’t do something for myself...maybe I’m venting...this quarantine has made things harder on me too. thanks for any replies No i don't think you're wrong for wanting a bit of freedom and your own space. I don't think you should move in with your gf out of guilt. Only do it if you want to, otherwise it may even effect your relationship. Tell her all this though. All your reasoning behind it. Even if she's depressed she needs to figure a way out of that on her own and not be co dependent. Not to be harsh. 3
Crazelnut Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 You are absolutely correct in moving out ON YOUR OWN. It's an important step in the process of maturing. Also, learning to navigate "real life" by yourself makes you a better person, and therefore partner, in the long run. And the same applies to your GF. She needs to grow and mature independently too. Especially if she suffers from mental illness. You don't need to be her caretaker. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 Explain to your GF that although you love her that moving from family to your 1st apartment together is a bad idea. You both need the experience of living independently & separately to make you better partners to each other in the future. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 1 hour ago, MrAskAQuestion said: We want a future together with kids and to eventually move in together, but I also want to have a private living space and have some kind of experience. Am I wrong for wanting this first? I’ve been really depressed living at home and now I feel like I don’t have a choice. Mind you; I care about my gf and her mental health too, but i feel like I’ve bent over for family for far too long and now it’s like I can’t do something for myself... Her mental health is not your responsibility. You can certainly be mindful of it and sensitive to her needs, but it is not up to you to pull her out of her depression. She needs to work on that independently of you. Is she? And no, you are not wrong to want to live on your own first. Taking this step and learning to be on your own first actually increases the chances that moving in with your girlfriend will succeed later on. I would explain this to her, and emphasize that moving out of your families' homes and living together immediately will likely place too much strain on your relationship. 1
smackie9 Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Explain to your GF that although you love her that moving from family to your 1st apartment together is a bad idea. You both need the experience of living independently & separately to make you better partners to each other in the future. This^^^ plain and simple. This doesn't have to be complicated at all. Just good old fashion common sense. What you can do is help her find accommodations through the new people you are going to be living with. Your networking is her answer. Edited June 29, 2020 by smackie9 1
kendahke Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 3 hours ago, MrAskAQuestion said: Am I wrong for wanting this first? No you're not. Can she afford to live on her own? Is she working? If she is depressed, is she getting treatment for it or is it a just case of her being emo and having the "sads"? Clinical depression is a treatable condition and she should be getting treatment for it. If the only thing she's doing is going to school and her job is work study, then no--she needs to get some gainful employment happening because what will happen is that you will become her caretaker/provider and she will not do anything for herself. Then you'll be 3 years in and wanting out because she won't work and contribute financially to the bills. Tell her no--not now. Yeah, she'll be mad, but you'll be even more mad and disgusted with yourself for allowing yourself to be talked into something you know today you don't want for your life right now. She first needs to prove she has it within her to constructively address her depression and get her life together or her own or her family's dime. 2
Versacehottie Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 Lots of great answers. I would also add about your girlfriend's depression: is that perhaps you are particularly cautious about moving in with her because you don't want to escape being a relative's caretaker to all of sudden being tasked with being your girlfriend's caretaker?? This is totally fair of you. She needs to be her own person and deal with her stuff and you have every right to have your own life before you take on another person's concerns in a living arrangement. Stick to your plan. Good luck 1
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 Phrase it that you want your GF to have independent experiences & you want her to have a sense of accomplishment. Both will help with her depression. She needs something to motivate her. (Do not say that to her just know it's the truth). When you get your place, make her feel welcome within the bounds of being respectful to your roommates. Keep a photo of her visible in your room, Let her keep some toiletries & maybe give her a drawer but not a key. 1
preraph Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 She's being selfish. If she really cares about you, she needs to respect your need to be independent right now. Everyone needs to be independent before they couple up and settle down. Just tell her you need to be independent as part of your maturation process. Tell her it's not up for debate and that you won't be ready to move in with her anytime in the foreseeable future. Just be honest. Tell her it's not about her, it's about you and your needs. 2 1
ShyViolet Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 Living on your own is an experience that you need to have, for yourself. You should not move in with your gf just because SHE wants to and is pressuring you. You won't be happy if you do that. You'll always resent her for depriving you of the experience of living on your own. Her depression and mental struggles are not a reason for you to move in with her. She has to understand that maybe you and her will move in together when the time is right, but it can't be based on her pressuring you.
manfrombelow Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 On 6/29/2020 at 7:15 PM, d0nnivain said: Explain to your GF that although you love her that moving from family to your 1st apartment together is a bad idea. You both need the experience of living independently & separately to make you better partners to each other in the future. 100% agree with this comment. OP, you and her both need to experience (and be content with) independent lives before thinking about moving in together.
OatsAndHall Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 You might need to explain to her that moving in together too soon could be rough on your relationship. I'd explain to her that it's better for the two of you for you to get out on your own and gradually get to know each other in that knew environment. The two of you will inevitably find things you have to work through in a living situation BEFORE you move in together.
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