do I accept partner with the good and the bad even if bad involves control issues?

[Cloudsaway]

I’ve learned that one needs to accept the good with the bad in every relationship and as long as the good outweighs the bad and the bad are “quirks” rather than any type of abuse etc it’s ok. 
I believe I may have found someone who has many qualities that I want and need. We’ve been together a year and he wants to marry me. We do love each other. We are senior citizen age. He is very willing to sign a prenup etc but is very traditional and doesn’t want to just live together. I’m in agreement but that raises the bar in terms of our relationship. 
The hesitation I have is that sometimes he can be a bit controlling. He tells rather than asks in many instances. I started pointing it out to him and he seems to adjust his behavior for a moment until the next time. He makes fun of me a bit too much for my taste. I’m a good sport but only when it’s an every now and then type of thing. I don’t make fun of him and if I do it’s a rare occasion. 
I do admit I can be controlling sometimes too and it’s something I’m working on changing. In my prior relationships, my partners seemed not to mind that trait at all so I went with it. 
I do tell my current partner when he gets too controlling so he can recognize it and he can push back. 
I originally thought spending more time with him would help me figure out whether and how to move forward but I’m not seeing any passage of time helping me. 
Do I just accept the personality issues or do I do something else about the relationship as a whole?

[regine_phalange]

No one is perfect, and we all get  in each other's nerves at times. However, as I understand he doesn't just annoy you, he makes you uncomfortable which is not good. Can you please give some specific examples of what he says and does, just  to understand the extent of it. 

[Cloudsaway]

Example : he’s an avid golfer so he’s really pushed me to learn and I’m ok with trying. But he keeps at me to practice which I don’t always do I admit. So he keeps saying if I practiced I would already be on my way to learning the game. I took my first lesson yesterday and he was practicing in the area so we got to see a good share of what I did. He criticized my teacher saying that he didn’t tell me to keep my arm straight enough but I did hit several balls.  The teacher told him after the lesson that I did pretty well and progressed nicely but I don’t feel that he acknowledge that. Instead he said you must go out to the course at least 2 to 3 times a week and practice otherwise you’re never gonna get anywhere with this game. He did just say it once he said it several times. Also I know the owner of the course so he had me send him an email asking him if we could arrange some kind of limitedMembership for the rest the season so that he and I can go out there once every week and when he visits. I don’t really have a problem with this either since it’s something we can enjoy but again it’s a sort of ear I’m sort of irritated about the way he approached it. Instead of asking me he told me and that is the difference. As far as ridiculing me him and my son were making fun of me in terms of me not being athletic etc. in regards to the golf. This was not unusual occurrence.  Membership for the rest of the season so that he and I can go out there once every week and when he visits. I don’t really have a problem with this either since it’s something we can enjoy but again it’s a sort of fear I’m sort of irritated about the way he approached it. Instead of asking me he told me and that is the difference. As far as ridiculing me him and my son were making fun of me in terms of me not being athletic etc. in regards to the golf. This was not unusual occurrence.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you even like golf? 

[basil67]

Cloudsaway, have you ever stood up to him?   The issues may be solvable, but you will need to put him in his place.  

"Darling, it's lovely that you've asked me to join me in your hobby, but it is spoiled when I'm nagged to practice and when my teacher is criticised.  I will do this in the way which suits me"

"Darling, I am happy to learn golf, but I will be going alone if the outcome of my lessons is to be teased about not being athletic".   If he says he's just joking, ask him if he'd like you to joke about his (insert whatever he's really insecure about)

You said that previous partners did not mind that you were a bit controlling.  So my guess is that you weren't being controlling.   Is your new guy saying that you're controlling?   If so, he's gaslighting you to take the focus off himself.  Another form of control. 

Edited June 29, 2020 by basil67

[Cloudsaway]

I’m ok with learning golf. I appreciate your suggestions. 
he can be a critical person with opinions on many subjects. I try to neutralize him by telling him there’s always another side to the story. For example if he doesn’t hear from his grown daughter for a while he will make a remark like she has no time for me not I’ll explain to him she has small kids and sometimes it’s hard to find time for a call etc. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Cloudsaway said:

I’m ok with learning golf. 

That wasn't the question, though. Do you like golf? Or are you conceding to his demand that you learn it just to keep him from throwing a tantrum? 

A shared activity is great but it won't work when one person is essentially railroading the other into doing it. It needs to be an activity you both enjoy together. You can see this bizarre order for you to learn golf is causing problems. 

[Paul]

Hi Cloudsaway,

Please check your e-mail or reach out via the Contact Us link from an e-mail address in which you can receive a reply. We're closing this thread to new replies for now.

Best,
Paul