Author pc31 Posted July 14, 2020 Author Posted July 14, 2020 12 hours ago, snowcones said: Anyway, why don't you just stop wasting time and tell him that you're broke? I have told him multiple times that I'm broke and I have shared my concerns about money many times. So he knows. He hasnt offered to help though which is fine, but just thought I should throw it out there. Not even help in term of finding a job, since he's been working in this market for 10+ years and is so senior. He must be well connected, yet zero offer to help. Actually I think he also takes things very chill. We are just talking and hanging out sometimes. Nothing crazily intimate. I was keen to be patient n see where things go, but now the more I think about it, the more I am turned off. I will just take several steps back and see how 3
Emilie Jolie Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 (edited) Ok but if he's looking for someone who is ambitious (which is how you're selling yourself), he'll expect you to find your own job - totally fair. He's already there either way, so either lifestyle is a big thing for him, or it's his way of saying he doesn't see you two going long term. Edited July 14, 2020 by Emilie Jolie
basil67 Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 To be fair, he doesn't know you or your work ethic well enough to offer to help you get a job. It was such early days still.
basil67 Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 23 minutes ago, pc31 said: Hahahaa i like the way you think So, to "soften" for the high $$ of $140k that he threw out, he added "Or at least someone who has ambition and doesnt feel content with what she's making at the time" Tbh with you, the added phrase is even more of a redflag to me. He's looking for someone who is NOT content/happy with her life. It sounds almost toxic to me. I read that as 'ambition'. If someone is ambitious in earnings, it's OK to want someone who seeks to earn higher as well. 1
elaine567 Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 18 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: It's odd he started dating a student without a job, given his income expectations. He likely can't attract the level of a woman he desires, so is looking for one with potential. Of course he may be more devious, he threw out that little statement to make the OP feel bad and less than, not good enough... negging basically... makes him feel powerful and makes her feel she is on shaky ground. 3
Acacia98 Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 (edited) 18 hours ago, Versacehottie said: How is he in the wrong for wanting you to earn a certain amount when you would want him to earn at least xx amount? In total fairness, lol, he even lowered it by 30% which is about what women earn less compared to men. Sounds like he wants an equal partner with regards to income. Women say this all the time. The way I see it, it's not that he's in the wrong for having that preference. It's that, if he's not completely oblivious to the realities of the woman he's dating, she does not fit in that category; perhaps she never will... and yet he's dating her. So there is automatically a power imbalance. It's not much different from a guy saying he is only sexually attracted to skinny women then going out of his way to date a woman who's not skinny. If she stays in that relationship, she does so knowing she doesn't measure up to his ideal. That's essentially building a relationship on a foundation of insecurity. There's no point wasting time investing in that kind of relationship: the door is already closed to her before she even starts her journey. OP has already mentioned feeling insecure twice (I think). Now, I'm not her. But my personal experience has been that, when I feel insecure in a relationship, there are significant incompatibilities at play. It's generally a good idea to listen to what your heart is telling you in such situations. Beyond what she's said about feeling insecure, it sounds like they have completely different philosophies/cultures around money. The differences don't sound like the type that allow people to meet halfway. So the two don't sound like the greatest match on the world. Edited July 14, 2020 by Acacia98 4
Acacia98 Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 2 hours ago, pc31 said: We are just talking and hanging out sometimes. Nothing crazily intimate. I was keen to be patient n see where things go, but now the more I think about it, the more I am turned off. I will just take several steps back and see how You're on the right track. 2
snowcones Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 2 hours ago, Acacia98 said: The way I see it, it's not that he's in the wrong for having that preference. It's that, if he's not completely oblivious to the realities of the woman he's dating, she does not fit in that category; perhaps she never will... and yet he's dating her. Men do this allllllll the time. They say they want A but you are B, but they never acknowledge that. Then when you tell them that you don't think you two are a good match because of this, they start backtracking on wanting A and humming and hawing, and saying that they don't care about it. This is all a lie though and just a ploy probably becuase they are horny. They would have never said they wanted A if they didn't really want A. A is important, it is their ideal. I get this all the time with men who say that the want a certain type of woman that I am NOT on their dating profiles. Lots of backtracking once I call them on it. They had the option not to answer the way they did on their profile, but they did answer that way, so I know it's their ideal, and knowing that I'm not that would never leave my mind, so I end up passing on them. 2
girlnextdoor2020 Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 (edited) From what I can see from your topic, you are TOO attached to your lack and scarcity story and of your parents too. It's like your whole identity is that. Well, guess what? It's not! You can change from lack and scarcity mode into abundance and prosperity AT ANY TIME just by deciding so. So stop seeing yourself as broke and living in lack. What that guy is doing is mirroring that back to you and triggering your beliefs, and also triggering your ability to receive. So this is not about him making 200k and his houses and family, but about you. You have now a GREAT opportunity to choose if you either want to stay in your lack and scarcity comfort zone or move forward into abundance and prosperity. Not by using his money, but by opening to a new mindset and way of living! Unless he's an idiot and abusive on other levels, I would suggest to take this opportunity. Even if you don't stay with this guy for the long term, it will change your life! In no time you'll be the one making 200k or more, just by changing your mindset. And let him pay and spoil you, open to receive! Money is only one way that shows how abundant we feel and think we are, and I'm pretty sure you are worthy just the way you are too. I would LOVE to meet a guy who makes that money. You know why? Because I worked hard on my business and although I don't make 200k (yet), I make half of that and am doing fine, but I just meet broke guys that do not want to leave their comfort zones. So, if you don't want that guy, send him to me! lol Take this chance the Universe is giving to you girl! Open up to a new life! Edited July 14, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020
Versacehottie Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 5 hours ago, Acacia98 said: The way I see it, it's not that he's in the wrong for having that preference. It's that, if he's not completely oblivious to the realities of the woman he's dating, she does not fit in that category; perhaps she never will... and yet he's dating her. So there is automatically a power imbalance. It's not much different from a guy saying he is only sexually attracted to skinny women then going out of his way to date a woman who's not skinny. If she stays in that relationship, she does so knowing she doesn't measure up to his ideal. That's essentially building a relationship on a foundation of insecurity. There's no point wasting time investing in that kind of relationship: the door is already closed to her before she even starts her journey. OP has already mentioned feeling insecure twice (I think). Now, I'm not her. But my personal experience has been that, when I feel insecure in a relationship, there are significant incompatibilities at play. It's generally a good idea to listen to what your heart is telling you in such situations. Beyond what she's said about feeling insecure, it sounds like they have completely different philosophies/cultures around money. The differences don't sound like the type that allow people to meet halfway. So the two don't sound like the greatest match on the world. Yeah, he could be oblivious and ignoring how much her earning potential is and her values about how money is spent and dating her regardless. I'd say her future is the one that will most likely change since she is just graduating now and presented herself as intelligent and ambitious so there is no reason to believe she won't be successful financially. Her future is the most unknown and his is more known. Actually she presents herself, despite her own doubt about her potential, as someone who will BE successful--or at least has that opportunity if she wants it. As far as the "values" part, they are both in the process of discovering who each other is, and I see it as no more his fault than hers that they are doing so. It's no one's fault even--it's just learning about who you are dating and seeing if there is potential for a compatible future there. He doesn't have to be a mind reader and fully comprehend who she is upon first sight any more than she does. I agree as the OP has posed it there is incompatibility, To me, she has enough info and was sufficiently turned off that she should move on. Totally agree to the bolded. I agree with Girl next door that part of the insecurity or power imbalance due to money is due to her own thoughts on money--too attached to, lack of, scarcity mentality. Some of it is probably the very real situation that her background has taught her and some of it sounds like she is intimidated by what she doesn't know or understand & attaches too much significance to it. I think & hope as girlnextdoor said as she grows into herself she will get past some of the feelings about money and people with it that hold her back personally, cause they needn't. I think the VALUES part of these two will never line up though, same as you do, and that is the reason she shouldn't date him anymore. In a way, he doesn't measure up to her ideal--no need to tell herself she "doesn't measure up" like she is the lesser or lacking one. As salary potential is only one component of measuring up and surely she might not make as much as he does, even in the future---but another component is how altruistic and frivolous one is with the money they have, and I think she feels he doesn't measure up there. If she approaches her thought process with confidence, that's all it is, discovering that they don't go together, not that each one of them is lesser than the other. No need to feel insecure--it should make her feel empowered and look for the ideal match for her. She sounds smart, i'm sure she will figure it out. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 Men who make that much money or even more are not necessarily better than men who make less. Sure, they may be smart and ambitious, but they can also be controlling, stingy, cheap, inconsiderate, selfish, and even abusive. I speak from experience. More money just amplifies the qualities in the person that were already there. Don't look for a rich man. Look for a GOOD man. Rich men are a dime a dozen. Good men who will genuinely love and treasure you are extremely rare, and there's absolutely no substitute for real love. 2
mark clemson Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 On 7/12/2020 at 10:39 PM, pc31 said: First, It's about our spending habits. Personally I've never been a big spender. Remember, I saved all my money for 5+ years to finance business school. So, even if in the future when I have a job and can afford things, it's unlikely that I would go to fancy restaurants to taking 5* trips all the time. I personally prefer simple home-cooked food for nutrition and portion control, and maybe staying at Airbnb when traveling. ... Second, it's his attitude towards what a relationship means for him. I think that for many people, frugality is more of a personal value system than an actual necessity. The amount of money you could throw away isn't the point. Warren Buffet come to mind and there are many others. Ken Fisher, another multi-billionaire money manager type apparently humble-bragged at a client meeting about using safety pins on his clothes. It sounds like you and he are mis-matched in this area. And of course attitude towards the relationship is always extremely important, as generally both partners should want the same things. 2
Allupinnit Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 (edited) Is it just me or does 200K per year not make someone "rich" in this country? I mean sure he's well-off but it sounds like his family probably eats up a lot of it anyway. EDIT: It's probably where I live but a 1M dollar house isn't exactly a mansion, either. Edited July 14, 2020 by Allupinnit 1
ladybug2021 Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said: Men who make that much money or even more are not necessarily better than men who make less. Sure, they may be smart and ambitious, but they can also be controlling, stingy, cheap, inconsiderate, selfish, and even abusive. I speak from experience. More money just amplifies the qualities in the person that were already there. Don't look for a rich man. Look for a GOOD man. Rich men are a dime a dozen. Good men who will genuinely love and treasure you are extremely rare, and there's absolutely no substitute for real love. I’m sorry but why does the OP or any woman have to choose between a good man and good money? Since when real love means no money?? You can have BOTH! You can have a good man AND a sh** ton of money! No need to choose from one or the other. Not having money doesn’t mean a guy is a good man neither having money means a guy is controlling and abusive. There are both types in any type of bank account. Look for a man that has the same MINDSET than you. If you want to keep being broke, choose a broke nice man with no ambition. If you want to live in prosperity, choose a rich nice man with money. Don’t settle for broke men thinking that real love doesn’t happen when there is money. Real love and money is living your best life! Don’t settle for less!
Ruby Slippers Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 The OP has focused primarily on his money and said very little about his character. This is a common mistake women make. Character is 100 times more important than money, and it's a lot harder to find. 1
ladybug2021 Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 18 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: The OP has focused primarily on his money and said very little about his character. This is a common mistake women make. Character is 100 times more important than money, and it's a lot harder to find. You know why? Because she is making the mistake of thinking this guy is worth more than her as a person just because he makes more money. She is putting him on a pedestal, and not seeing how he really is. He can even be a nice guy, but she needs to see him as the real person.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 14, 2020 Posted July 14, 2020 I agree. Many women try to attach themselves to men's money/power because they lack confidence in their own power. I've done the same thing before, more than once. But she said his views on money in a relationship have turned her off, which is a good sign her intuition is leading her in the right direction. 1
Author pc31 Posted July 24, 2020 Author Posted July 24, 2020 On 7/14/2020 at 5:56 AM, elaine567 said: He likely can't attract the level of a woman he desires, so is looking for one with potential. I think you may be right. Hm The more I talk to him the more I feel that our core values differ. Plus, I FEEL that he's not really seeing me for who I am. I feel that he's expecting certain "things" - certain achievement, certain feeling, certain activity.... He's not relaxed and stays open-minded in order to find himself surprised by my quirks and charms. He EXPECTS me (or rather, his future partner) to be a certain way. I'm not willing to comply :)) I've never been about following expectations. It's sad but I think I will let him go. I need to be seen by my partner. 5
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