elaine567 Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 On 6/29/2020 at 10:28 PM, pc31 said: He has a younger brother who, according to him, is designated to take care of his parents. He financed his younger brother's education, so he told his younger bro that the younger bro should "take one for the team" to live with the parents and take care of them. Younger bro has a well-paid job too, although not as loaded as older bro. As of right now, my guy/older bro lives alone in city downtown, and the parents live with the younger bro in the suburb. He plans to continue this "separation" for his life. This sounds a bit controlling. He has effectively dumped the parents onto his younger brother for life. Yes he financed his education but as he is rich it was probably not a huge deal to him. He gets to keep all his money to himself whilst the younger brother shoulders all the family responsibilities. Hmmm. His wealth is not a problem in itself it is how he uses it that is the problem. You have rightly identified a potential power imbalance. One poster on here ended up living with a rich guy. Whilst she ended up eating rice meals at home as that is all she could afford after paying her share of the apartment, he wined and dined himself with his friends most nights. He then periodically went off on lavish holidays with friends, again which she couldn't afford... Plenty money does not mean he is willing to share it nor that he believes in equality or compromise. Some men will deliberately choose poorer women as partners, as it gives them a power she cannot counter... Be careful. 2
Author pc31 Posted July 13, 2020 Author Posted July 13, 2020 Small update: I had a discussion about money with "the rich guy" (let's call him that for now) today, and I am turned off. Completely off. I just want to write it out a bit here. We were texting, and somehow the topics evolved around expectations for our long-term partner in term of finances. I said. I don't expect my partner to be rich - basically anything above $75,000 is fine. The reason for this particular number is because of this research study around money and happiness. Basically, I just want someone who is financially independent and feels comfortable in his skin.https://www.inc.com/news/articles/2010/09/study-says-$75,000-can-buy-happiness.html "The rich guy" said, $75K just doesn't do it for him. He expects his partner to make AT LEAST 70-80% of what he's making so that he wouldn't have to lower his standard of living. In my very rough math calculation, his expectation equates to roughly $130-140K/year. He said, anything less than that, she/the partner wouldn't be able to afford going to nice restaurants and taking nice overseas trips with him. I don't know... What he said turned me off, completely. First, It's about our spending habits. Personally I've never been a big spender. Remember, I saved all my money for 5+ years to finance business school. So, even if in the future when I have a job and can afford things, it's unlikely that I would go to fancy restaurants to taking 5* trips all the time. I personally prefer simple home-cooked food for nutrition and portion control, and maybe staying at Airbnb when traveling. Second, it's his attitude towards what a relationship means for him. Personally, I want a relationship that gives a support system. I want to "build my own home" (in addition to the home that my parents give me). I want a partner who is my rock, who will stand by me through the darkest time such as sickness and unemployment. He seems to want to someone who can do fun things with him. Now, I'm not saying these two things are mutually exclusive; it's just that it seems to be that we have very different focus on what we expect from a relationship. Third, i'm insecure because like I said earlier, I'm graduating soon without a job. In about 2 weeks I will officially be labeled unemployed. No job, never mind $130K/year. And i doubt that my first job in this new country would pay me $130K/year either.... So like, I will not be "eligible" in his eyes anyway. So what's the point?! I don't know. What do you guys think? I'm a bit disappointed right now 2
chillii Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 (edited) So they have a study for wage and happiness in love now eh , of course they do. But you want someone to be there in bad times for you yet he must be on 75k . Him , well l'll wish him luck , well no l won't he doesn't need luck from me. Funny attitude though but l suppose it's no different to yours, really, you both put a number on a relationship. Edited July 13, 2020 by chillii 1
basil67 Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 Having been told that you're incompatible because you don't earn enough, I wonder if you will review your own policy about how much a man must earn to be with you. Doesn't sound like he's the kind of guy you want anyway though. 3 1
Zona Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 My wife is from a rich family. She hid it very well until we got engaged. I did notice her father was driving an $80,000 Mercedes, but I didn't realize the extent of the wealth until we pooled our finances. Sometimes during a fight she will beat me up over the amount each of us has contributed to the marriage, but I shut that s**t down immediately. You just have to act like it doesn't affect the relationship dynamics, because it really doesn't, unless you allow it. 5
regine_phalange Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 I don't like the way he thinks. So he expects the woman to go through the physical and emotional demands of pregnancy, raise the children AND make a fortune because otherwise she will be a burden? This is not a quality man, he seems selfish and spoiled and you are rightfully turned off. 6
Emilie Jolie Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 3 hours ago, pc31 said: I said. I don't expect my partner to be rich - basically anything above $75,000 is fine. The reason for this particular number is because of this research study around money and happiness. Basically, I just want someone who is financially independent and feels comfortable in his skin I don't know how you've read this, but what the research paper actually says is that the 'tipping point' for money and happiness is a household income of $75k/year, not and individual salary, and anything above that does not make you more or less happy. So a couple earning $37k each are as happy as a couple or individual earning above 75k. 3 hours ago, pc31 said: Third, i'm insecure because like I said earlier, I'm graduating soon without a job. In about 2 weeks I will officially be labeled unemployed. That sounds like that it is the core issue. He's made his point clear - he wants an equal partner who matches him and his lifestyle financially, which you can't currently do and are not even interested in. Doesn't sound like you're compatible regardless of earnings, based on lifestyle alone. 4
Author pc31 Posted July 13, 2020 Author Posted July 13, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, chillii said: l suppose it's no different to yours, really, you both put a number on a relationship. Haha. Ah, yes, I didn't think about it that way, but now that you pointed it out, it is true that we both put a number on a relationship. I guess it is because both of us are highly quantitative people - being quantitative is actually one of the things we were/are attracted to one another. It's hard to understand something vague such as "decent income". Decent can mean different things to different people, so it's better to have a number (or a range) to know what the person means. Edited July 13, 2020 by pc31
Author pc31 Posted July 13, 2020 Author Posted July 13, 2020 48 minutes ago, regine_phalange said: I don't like the way he thinks. So he expects the woman to go through the physical and emotional demands of pregnancy, raise the children AND make a fortune because otherwise she will be a burden? This is not a quality man, he seems selfish and spoiled and you are rightfully turned off. He said he didnt want kids. And I actually am indifferent about kids as well. Does that make any difference in what you said? No one is going through labor pain. Even with that, somehow i still dont think he's a quality guy
Author pc31 Posted July 13, 2020 Author Posted July 13, 2020 44 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said: he wants an equal partner who matches him and his lifestyle financially, which you can't currently do and are not even interested in. Doesn't sound like you're compatible regardless of earnings, based on lifestyle alone. If you read my original post, you would know that i am very much a Type A Go-getter. I'm all for working hard and making $$$$$. But i make money for myself, not to match his income level. And it's true that I also have zero interest in matching his lifestyle. I'd rather save up for the down payment of a house.
regine_phalange Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 4 minutes ago, pc31 said: He said he didnt want kids. And I actually am indifferent about kids as well. Does that make any difference in what you said? No one is going through labor pain. Even with that, somehow i still dont think he's a quality guy Fair point. But still, then what would be his role in a relationship? What would he contribute and how would he make your life better, if he is the one with more income? Women are always more vulnerable, even in terms of unwanted pregnancy. It's still best to be with someone who has generosity and willing to share their resources, even if their only resources is their love and their desire to make your life better. 2
elaine567 Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 4 hours ago, pc31 said: He expects his partner to make AT LEAST 70-80% of what he's making so that he wouldn't have to lower his standard of living. In my very rough math calculation, his expectation equates to roughly $130-140K/year. He said, anything less than that, she/the partner wouldn't be able to afford going to nice restaurants and taking nice overseas trips with him. His, may be an unpopular standpoint, "It should be about love not money", but he is being pragmatic. He appears not to be a guy who is willing to subsidise his partner. He wants to go ahead and spend money on trips and fun stuff without always worrying "Can she afford it?" or thinking "I will need to pay for this". It makes complete sense to him, he is not willing to "carry" anyone, or go on budget trips or "live like a pauper"... As you are not on that pay grade and may never be ( I guess he will only get richer) and there is also a mismatch over lifestyle, then this is never going to work. 1
Emilie Jolie Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 1 minute ago, pc31 said: If you read my original post, you would know that i am very much a Type A Go-getter. I'm all for working hard and making $$$$$. That's a great aim for the future, but you're not there yet. He's already rich, though, and he already owns his home outright. He'll have to wait a few years for you to be anywhere near where he's at. He can have the standards he wants - I just think he's telling you in a not so subtle way that he doesn't see you as a long-term prospect. Sorry pc31. 1
Andy_K Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 He's told you his position so it's up to you to decide whether to accept it or not. Personally, I think the fairer condition is that if you're dating someone earning less, you need to be willing to either lower you standard of living (holidays, meals out etc) to match theirs, or else pay the difference. If he's not willing to lower his standard of living then that's his right. But it seriously limits his dating pool so it might also be why he's single... 2
Ruby Slippers Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 Well, like attracts like. You both have income requirements. The problem is, you don't meet his, and likely never will. It's odd he started dating a student without a job, given his income expectations. 5
Versacehottie Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 6 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said: I don't know how you've read this, but what the research paper actually says is that the 'tipping point' for money and happiness is a household income of $75k/year, not and individual salary, and anything above that does not make you more or less happy. So a couple earning $37k each are as happy as a couple or individual earning above 75k. That sounds like that it is the core issue. He's made his point clear - he wants an equal partner who matches him and his lifestyle financially, which you can't currently do and are not even interested in. Doesn't sound like you're compatible regardless of earnings, based on lifestyle alone. Bolded ^^^ yes exactly this. While his position is a little out there (haven't heard that one before from a guy though in all fairness women say or feel it all the time), I have a feeling even if you did earn his "required" number that your values surrounding money are way different. Sounds like he likes a more flashy lifestyle and you are more conservative with your money. Neither is inherently wrong but it will cause huge problems undoubtedly. I actually think you are lucky to find this out so soon and to know yourself well enough to look into the future and see it as a problem rather than get caught up in his generosity or blinded by his nice lifestyle without understanding the reasons behind it and how it would potentially affect yours. I think you probably know enough about him to call it off. Doesn't mean either of you are bad people or wrong--you just want different things. Good luck 3 1
Versacehottie Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 5 hours ago, pc31 said: He said he didnt want kids. And I actually am indifferent about kids as well. Does that make any difference in what you said? No one is going through labor pain. Even with that, somehow i still dont think he's a quality guy well I'm with basil on this: it doesn't seem right that women/we can want a guy to earn a certain amount or be impressed with their career or ambition AND want equality and then not want to carry our weight in doing the same. How is he in the wrong for wanting you to earn a certain amount when you would want him to earn at least xx amount? In total fairness, lol, he even lowered it by 30% which is about what women earn less compared to men. Sounds like he wants an equal partner with regards to income. Women say this all the time. I think the bigger real stumbling block is that you already know that he likes to spend money in xyz way and it's at odds with a way of living that you respect or see yourself living. Being that he is talking about it more as pooled resources and expecting you to carry your weight financially, the fact that he makes a lot matters less than how he chooses to spend money and how you choose to spend money. You could think he's not a quality guy because your money spending will likely be used for more noble things & is more frugal thus easier to say it's "right"; also you might view his stance as not very chivalrous but he's being honest about how he views it and you have your thoughts on how you view it and would make you happy. Neither of you is wrong. It's just incompatibility.
Emilie Jolie Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 43 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: It's odd he started dating a student without a job, given his income expectations. It's not odd if he's a bit of a player, sowing his wild oats until he's ready to settle down with someone who fits his requirements, or even someone who doesn't. 4
Fox Sake Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 (edited) I dated a girl like this once. I come from a good stock, but she was on another level financially. Everything was always about money, and bragging about the price of things, staying nice places, getting the best of everything and service. We were LDR. I took her out to lunch once at her choice of restaurant, in her country , and I got swamped with a $700 bill (including tip). There are some expensive restaurants in Montreal! I ate the whole stick of butter and the bread just out of spite. If people put money before happiness then you need to avoid them. I don’t think this guy will ever be happy unless he’s got some extra zeros in his bank account. That’s what he’s married to. A woman is merely an accessory, and that accessory has to be able to pay for itself. Not the same with everyone with money, but this guy sounds like a bit of a jerk. What happened to finding someone you love and looking after them ? Not making them feel like they aren’t good enough because they don’t meet your earning potential? You can do better ! Edited July 13, 2020 by Fox Sake Didn’t proof read. Probably still missed bits! 6
introverted1 Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 13 hours ago, pc31 said: I don't know. What do you guys think? I'm a bit disappointed right now It seems you two are very much aligned in some ways. You each have a financial threshold you expect a partner to achieve. Just because his bar is higher doesn't change the fact that you each have requirements for how much your partner must earn. Based on this, it seems your disappointment must be around the fact that you feel you can't earn as much as he is asking. Perhaps you can negotiate. 1
snowcones Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 (edited) There are several different types of men when it comes to money, and it's hard to know what type of guy you're dating until you get to know him a little bit. So you won't know until you spend some time with him. There are the men who don't care at all about how much money a woman has. These guys will act like they don't care. It doesn't matter if you, the woman, cares or not, he still doesn't care. You can do whatever you want, make money or don't make money, he still won't care. It's your business, not his. Naturally, these are the best guys. Then there are the guys who care but still will date a woman with no money. These guys will still date a broke woman but will be stingy with his money, not want to share, want a sign a pre-nup, may or may not force you to make money for yourself, and/or generally just be paranoid about being taken for a ride. Sometimes they might just date but never marry a broke woman. A broken woman will always feel a conflicted message coming from this guy. Then there are the guys who care a lot about whether or not a woman has money, and these guys will either look for women who also make money before they will even date her (i.e. she has to have a job and be financially stable or else it's a dealbreaker for him and he won't date her). These guys are unknowingly pretty gawdy, distasteful and brash about it - they generally ask women about their job within the first 3 questions upon meeting them. They will also tell the woman that the reason why they like her is because she has a job and has her own money (as if a woman wants to hear that, not even a man wants to hear that from a woman). They're kind dumb in that respect, but hey, at least they out themselves. They could use a lesson in discretion and just keeping quiet. This is how you will know what kind of man you're dealing with. Anyway, why don't you just stop wasting time and tell him that you're broke? I know you just graduated and plan to work hard and make a decent amount of money, but you need to tell him where you are now. He needs to know the truth and you both can be working from a place of truth and you can see what he acts like. Edited July 13, 2020 by snowcones
Maldives Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 Apart from the how your feeling and in sorry your feeling that way it's actually refreshing to see that woman feel this way. I was seriously beginning to think it's all about how much money one has being a guy . 1
jspice Posted July 13, 2020 Posted July 13, 2020 46 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said: Apart from the how your feeling and in sorry your feeling that way it's actually refreshing to see that woman feel this way. I was seriously beginning to think it's all about how much money one has being a guy . Of course there are women who have different opinions on finances of their partner. Similarly, not all men care about just a taut figure, or trying to get women into bed. I don’t care much about finances. I don’t want to be with anyone who makes less than I do but that is secondary to his education. I’m well-educated and would prefer someone with similar background. I’ve tried to forego this requirement and it doesn’t work for either me or them. Everyone has their wants and needs, money or otherwise. 2
Author pc31 Posted July 14, 2020 Author Posted July 14, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, enigma32 said: If your guy is anything like me, he may have told you he needed a woman that makes 130k a year precisely because you don't make that much. Just to show you how it feels. Well, he was talking about how I (me) wouldnt want to date someone who is good looking but broke. So to reply, I said, Maybe not broke, but he doesnt have to be rich either. Above $75k is equal playing field. Oh well, all I can say is, he/we are definitely not like you Edited July 14, 2020 by pc31 2
Author pc31 Posted July 14, 2020 Author Posted July 14, 2020 11 hours ago, introverted1 said: Perhaps you can negotiate. Hahahaa i like the way you think So, to "soften" for the high $$ of $140k that he threw out, he added "Or at least someone who has ambition and doesnt feel content with what she's making at the time" Tbh with you, the added phrase is even more of a redflag to me. He's looking for someone who is NOT content/happy with her life. It sounds almost toxic to me.
Recommended Posts