Dating someone much richer - tips?

[pc31]

Long story short: I've started dating this guy recently and I just realized that he's much richer than I thought. This information worries me that I don't have much to offer   Any tips on how to manage my own negative feelings and navigate this relationship forward?

More details:

About me: I am in my early 30s and originally from a developing country. 2 years ago, I moved to this X developed country alone for graduate school. Before grad school, I had a  successful career in my home country. All of my saving from my successful job, however, went into financing my 2 years of tuition and living expenses in this expensive western country, so now I'm basically a broke student (the only good thing is that I have no student debt). I'm graduating next month and I'm actively looking for a job, but no result so far. It's not an ideal time to graduate because there aren't that many job openings due to the pandemic. In other words, I expect myself to become BROKE and UNEMPLOYED very soon. My parents still live in my home country. They are both retired now, but when they were still working, their jobs didn't pay well either - they were roughly in the lower-middle class in our country, which literally means POVERTY in the West. 

About him: He is also in his early 30s, but he immigrated to this X developed country more than 10 years ago. He now has a very established career and is making roughly $200,000/year. Last year, he sponsored his parents and siblings to this country. And now the PARENTS are buying a 4-bedroom house in the new country. According to the latest real estate report, those houses cost roughly $1 to 1.2 million. Basically, it's not just him, but his parents are also rich.

About us: We have been dating for a month or so. So far, he paid roughly 70% of the dating expenses and I contributed 30%. The dates feel quite OK, actually. I enjoy his company and the conversations are good. We aren't at the stage where we would spend holidays with each other. When I asked him what he would be doing for the upcoming holidays, he mentioned some pretty extravagant plans with his friends (who are also successful). So then, I thought to myself, even if I were invited, I wouldn't be able to afford to join them. This bothers me a lot because I feel like I won't be able to afford being a part of his life moving forward. I've always been a very career-driven and independent woman, so the thought of him possibly having to pay for EVERYTHING repulses me. I feel incredibly insecure. I'm not used to this kind of dynamic in romantic relationships. 

I feel like the gaps between he and I and between his family and my family are just too big. I suddenly don't feel very confident in what I can offer. On top of the socioeconomic differences, we are also looking at a cross-cultural and cross-faith relationship (his family is Muslim, although he claims that he himself is Atheist. We went out a few times - he eats pork and drinks alcohol!). I'm afraid that there won't be a future for us. Even if he accepts me and my family, his family might not. I don't know them, but I'm feeling cautious.

Any advice on how to navigate this kind of relationship? Thanks.

Edited June 29, 2020 by pc31

[chillii]

Just thoughts really but it is very early days and things might not even go anywhere yet so on one hand it's a bit early to even worry anyway. On the other , going into something is when we should think about that big picture really. The biggest that strikes me is the way your feeling , we should feel very comfortable and ourselves with our someone . You should talk to him about what you've said here and concerns , and see how he feels about it all. And figure out how you'll feel long term about it supposing he was ok with it all.

My sister was a teacher actually so hardly a high roller but she married a guy worth 50million and no she wasn't after money but they're actually a really nice couple. These days she works with him in his business and they have a 16yr old daughter . She's always been extremely independent and very headstrong butttt, seems to have worked out.

 

Edited June 29, 2020 by chillii

[elaine567]

33 minutes ago, pc31 said:

On top of the socioeconomic differences, we are also looking at a cross-cultural and cross-faith relationship (his family is Muslim, although he claims that he himself is Atheist.

33 minutes ago, pc31 said:

Even if he accepts me and my family, his family might not.

^^^ this is the bigger problem.
Islam is a big deal.
It is an all encompassing religion, everything in life is caught up in it. 
Whilst many will embrace the West, when it come to marriage then it is difficult to deny Islam and accept the ostracisation from family and the community that often comes with choosing that path.
Love or tradition and culture? Tradition and culture will often ultimately win. 
So many sad stories of women getting involved with Muslim men, some even having kids and living with them to be dumped when it is time for him to marry.
He then goes off and marries a good Muslim girl that his family approves of...
Be careful.

[regine_phalange]

I would be more concerned about differences in culture than the economic differences. It's still early days, but it's perfect time for you to ask questions like what is he looking for? Where does he see this going? And what does he think of you? Does he see you in his future? Don't be afraid of coming across as demanding, these are very valid questions. And it's valid for you to say you are looking for marriage, if this is what you want. Better discuss now than later to avoid wasting your time. 

Having said that, if he makes more than you and invites you in his travels,  I can imagine he will be happy to pay your way. After all, good manners say that the person who invites usually pays, even if it's something more pricey like a trip. 

[alphamale]

the more in common a couple has the greater the chance their relationship will last

[Roswell91]

3 hours ago, pc31 said:

Long story short: I've started dating this guy recently and I just realized that he's much richer than I thought. This information worries me that I don't have much to offer   Any tips on how to manage my own negative feelings and navigate this relationship forward?

More details:

About me: I am in my early 30s and originally from a developing country. 2 years ago, I moved to this X developed country alone for graduate school. Before grad school, I had a  successful career in my home country. All of my saving from my successful job, however, went into financing my 2 years of tuition and living expenses in this expensive western country, so now I'm basically a broke student (the only good thing is that I have no student debt). I'm graduating next month and I'm actively looking for a job, but no result so far. It's not an ideal time to graduate because there aren't that many job openings due to the pandemic. In other words, I expect myself to become BROKE and UNEMPLOYED very soon. My parents still live in my home country. They are both retired now, but when they were still working, their jobs didn't pay well either - they were roughly in the lower-middle class in our country, which literally means POVERTY in the West. 

About him: He is also in his early 30s, but he immigrated to this X developed country more than 10 years ago. He now has a very established career and is making roughly $200,000/year. Last year, he sponsored his parents and siblings to this country. And now the PARENTS are buying a 4-bedroom house in the new country. According to the latest real estate report, those houses cost roughly $1 to 1.2 million. Basically, it's not just him, but his parents are also rich.

About us: We have been dating for a month or so. So far, he paid roughly 70% of the dating expenses and I contributed 30%. The dates feel quite OK, actually. I enjoy his company and the conversations are good. We aren't at the stage where we would spend holidays with each other. When I asked him what he would be doing for the upcoming holidays, he mentioned some pretty extravagant plans with his friends (who are also successful). So then, I thought to myself, even if I were invited, I wouldn't be able to afford to join them. This bothers me a lot because I feel like I won't be able to afford being a part of his life moving forward. I've always been a very career-driven and independent woman, so the thought of him possibly having to pay for EVERYTHING repulses me. I feel incredibly insecure. I'm not used to this kind of dynamic in romantic relationships. 

I feel like the gaps between he and I and between his family and my family are just too big. I suddenly don't feel very confident in what I can offer. On top of the socioeconomic differences, we are also looking at a cross-cultural and cross-faith relationship (his family is Muslim, although he claims that he himself is Atheist. We went out a few times - he eats pork and drinks alcohol!). I'm afraid that there won't be a future for us. Even if he accepts me and my family, his family might not. I don't know them, but I'm feeling cautious.

Any advice on how to navigate this kind of relationship? Thanks.

Muslim families from what i know and friends..are pretty strict and get heavily involved in the choosing of bride or at least deciding if she will be a good fit. So the family will probably look at everything including faith and your career/salary.

If you're looking for something long term, i agree with another poster in that you should mention it to him, to see his views on the matter. 

Also it is true that a Muslim guy will have fun with a western woman but then suddenly she gets dropped when its time to get a wife. It happened to my friend. 

I think for the time being at least he is clearly fine with the situation, but as i said for something long  term you will need to think more about the points ive mentioned 

Edited June 29, 2020 by Roswell91

[d0nnivain]

Start thinking about how much money you will have in 10 years time due to your hard work in your career  You & your SO are at different life stages.  Your relationship is based on love not a financial merger.  

Do pay for dating things you can afford & be gracious.  Don't try to keep up with the Jones meaning spending the same as him when your incomes or resources are different.  Show him your hard work effort which is possibly more important then present earning because it is about potential.  

[smackie9]

Who cares about the money at this point..enjoy your dates and roll the dice.

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, pc31 said:

I am in my early 30s

^^^Another thing to consider.
Fooling around wasting years in situations that on hindsight were never going to work is always a bad idea.
Clock ticking.
Try to employ some foresight.
 

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that the financial disparity doesn't have to be a big deal, but his family being Muslim and you not is a bigger deal.

Most men don't care that much how much money the woman has, as long as she's not a leech and can support herself. It's hard for any man to find a good woman, no matter how much money he has.

But I agree that even if he's a pork-eating, alcohol-drinking Muslim, it's pretty likely his family will have expectations that you convert and raise your kids in the Muslim faith. Definitely have a direct conversation about this, what the expectations would be.

[Versacehottie]

I think you are educated like he is and should focus on your commonalities.   Sounds like he is partly "established" because you are still finishing up the last of your education so he is further along. Apparently, those with the most match socioeconomic background typically fare best in marriages, etc.  But I think you are focusing a lot on your past rather than your income potential and future.  It looks like you are headed toward a socioeconomic place that more matches his.  I think you should be proud of all the things you have accomplished and don't discount the drive, intelligence etc that it took to get you there as these also will contribute to making a good match with him.

I know Muslim people much like you've described him--who are not religious, who don't follow food/drink guidelines, who are with Christian people and don't need to convert..  Like if you are referring to the UK as the Westernized country there are a lot of these types there.  I kind of wish you hadn't mentioned it since people's bias comes out and I think it's less relevant to your current question over the money differences but I am sure over time you will gather that information.  You sound very smart and like you will be able to figure it out. Be you, it's certainly what attracted him good luck

[preraph]

If it bothers you, keep boundaries on what you take from him and let him know, I'm not comfortable with you spending so much on me because I can't reciprocate and that bothers me and makes me feel bad.  As much as you can, DO reciprocate in ways you can afford.  This does not mean be his sex slave or his housekeeper.  But do bake him a batch of cookies and leave him sweet notes and if he's spending money taking you out to eat, buy whatever ingredients you can afford and cook dinner for him. These things are just as valuable and men love to be fed!  Please realize that if we go back to the 1950s, women rarely had any money of their own, but men didn't seem to begrudge it and enjoyed the home cooking and comforts of home.  

[chillii]

 

Yeah didn't actually get around to the religious/ cultural side of things but yeah l'd agree they could actually end up being the much bigger issue.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Just don't make an issue of it. Don't even bring it up; if he's well-off he's probably leery of people doing that.

He likes you, right? Why question it? Just enjoy eachother.

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, pc31 said:

 This bothers me a lot because I feel like I won't be able to afford being a part of his life moving forward. I've always been a very career-driven and independent woman, so the thought of him possibly having to pay for EVERYTHING repulses me. I feel incredibly insecure. I'm not used to this kind of dynamic in romantic relationships.

 

This may not be particularly actionable, but part of your gut feeling is probably recognition of the fact that there is a significant power imbalance here.

IF you were to stay together, depending on what county you moved to/lived in, that power imbalance may become intensified.

Most relationships that end in animosity started out positive and with high hopes. I personally know a woman who married a man from an arab nation and had two children. The relationship eventually went south and he took the kids, moved them back to his home country, and unilaterally divorced. She was literally unable to see her own children and to my knowledge has been to this day. Not a happy ending.

Suggest you very seriously consider how far you want to take this.

[pc31]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

I kind of wish you hadn't mentioned it since people's bias comes out and I think it's less relevant to your current question over the money differences but I am sure over time you will gather that information.

Yea, the reason why this thread is called Dating someone richer, and not Dating someone from a different religion, is because the differences around our culture/religion aren't bothering me very much, at least for now. 

We did sort of talk about our cultural and religious backgrounds. In his mind, he's atheist, so there's no point of discussing religion. He has a younger brother who, according to him, is designated to take care of his parents. He financed his younger brother's education, so he told his younger bro that the younger bro should "take one for the team" to live with the parents and take care of them. Younger bro has a well-paid job too, although not as loaded as older bro. As of right now, my guy/older bro lives alone in city downtown, and the parents live with the younger bro in the suburb. He plans to continue this "separation" for his life. Maybe I'm naive, but like, everything sounds OK to me so far.

I'm mostly concern about our socioeconomic differences. As someone pointed out, it's the fear of power imbalance in the relationship. I'm not used to that. I've always been the breadwinner for my family (like I said, my parents are poor). My previous relationships have always been very balanced because I did have a successful career. Plus, when I was still in my country, I knew my way around - local businesses, governmental system, everything that I needed. I'm new in this country, so I feel like I'm not as well connected and not as well knowledgeable... I guess it's the uncertainty about MY OWN FUTURE that bothers me  I hope this won't get into my head and ruin this potentially good thing  

[rjc149]

I had a buddy in college, with a Pakistani-American friend from the Chicago area. He would come out partying with us, getting hammered on cheap vodka, smoking weed, taking ecstasy, then going to get Baconator cheeseburgers at Wendy's at 3AM. 

He met a Muslim girl, and he suddenly became very devoutly Muslim. Totally stopped any sort of partying, and wouldn't even listen to music anymore unless it was prayer chanting. It was a 180. He married this girl a year later. 

Expect there to be expectations from his family, or him, to adhere to his Muslim faith. My Jewish friends expect it, as do their parents. My Catholic parents expect it, as do I. It matters. The more your backgrounds and values are aligned, the easier the logistics of your relationship will be. 

And, some men like being the provider/benefactor and purposely seek arrangements where they have total financial control. Unbeknownst to them, it makes their divorces 100x nastier and costlier. 

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, pc31 said:

Yea, the reason why this thread is called Dating someone richer, and not Dating someone from a different religion, is because the differences around our culture/religion aren't bothering me very much, at least for now. 

We did sort of talk about our cultural and religious backgrounds. In his mind, he's atheist, so there's no point of discussing religion. He has a younger brother who, according to him, is designated to take care of his parents. He financed his younger brother's education, so he told his younger bro that the younger bro should "take one for the team" to live with the parents and take care of them. Younger bro has a well-paid job too, although not as loaded as older bro. As of right now, my guy/older bro lives alone in city downtown, and the parents live with the younger bro in the suburb. He plans to continue this "separation" for his life. Maybe I'm naive, but like, everything sounds OK to me so far.

I'm mostly concern about our socioeconomic differences. As someone pointed out, it's the fear of power imbalance in the relationship. I'm not used to that. I've always been the breadwinner for my family (like I said, my parents are poor). My previous relationships have always been very balanced because I did have a successful career. Plus, when I was still in my country, I knew my way around - local businesses, governmental system, everything that I needed. I'm new in this country, so I feel like I'm not as well connected and not as well knowledgeable... I guess it's the uncertainty about MY OWN FUTURE that bothers me  I hope this won't get into my head and ruin this potentially good thing  

well, unfortunately it's out there now and as you can see some people can't get past it Anyway, lots of cosmopolitan type people don't adhere to whatever traditional stereotypes exist.  I'd say, as in any relationship, meet the family as soon as you are serious and I'm sure you will have a good idea of the dynamic and to what degree their religious heritage will or won't affect you guys.  And how he interacts with them, is important--same as any other family.  Let's even say there is some cultural influence as there probably is,, well then you really don't have to worry about paying for anything if we are going on those stereotypes since that is not really in their culture, whether they are traditional and religious or not so at all.  lol, a positive bias that wasn't included

Anyway, back to your original question, bolded above, wouldn't that be a problem if the guy had any amount of money?  Sounds like you are very independent and feel responsible for your parents.  Sounds like you take great pride in doing so and it's extremely important to you--maybe not only because you want to but there is a lot at stake and that is somewhat the expectation for leaving your country and doing well.  It's bound to create this feeling with whichever financial combo you encounter for dating.  Your new life and new future career leave a lot that is uncertain but you are still the same person with very similar, perhaps increased demands on you.

I have a feeling it is all the uncertainty and pressure of your situation that is part of this.  Listen why not rely on the guy for some help about the system in your new country.  As long as the relationship is not too new, he should want to help (if he's a good guy and it's not too much of a challenge to do so).  I'm saying help with information, not money.  I think that will let him into some part of you and provide greater understanding of each other.  My mom has someone who works for her that is from a foreign country and she helps him all the time understand things, with difficult documents, etc, extensively.  There is an unusual thing that happens when you give this kind of help is that the giver usually gets a very good feeling from having done so.  I forgot what it is called but doing good samaritan type deeds often benefits the giver more than the recipient.  

You seem really forthright and smart.  I think with the actual financial differences remain proud and fair.  Pay for small things here and there and to the level that you can afford, not more. Suggest doing things that don't cost money--take an active role like that.  Give small gifts to show your appreciation if he insists on paying for everything.  If you get to the stage where it makes sense that you would be on a vacation with him but can't afford it, I'd assume you would be more serious by that point and able to have a serious discussion and that's what you would need to do.  Try to think of the money part as black and white to what you can afford and try to remove the emotion from it (hard i know).  I think this happens to most of us.  We have people in our lives that have more and who have less and it's all a balancing act.  I think just think methodically about your degree and career and apply yourself so that increased earnings will remove some of the pressure.  Also what is great about the new boyfriend is that he's successful and what's great about being around successful people is they typically have great business, life advice for getting ahead and doing well.  What a nice dimension to add to your relationship if you can seek him out for a little advice that will help you do even better than you can with his additional perspective...plus it will likely make him feel good that you respect his ideas and look for some input from him.  

Try not to be anxious and get into your head.  Take things day by day. Good luck

Edited June 30, 2020 by Versacehottie

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

people with financial freedom just inherently have more options than people without... Finance alone is desirable, I mean we can sit here and try to save face all day, but lets face it, were in the midst of a pandemic, still gotta go to work n s***, being able to just stay home and be good, that would be amazing right now.

With a lot of options, comes, usually, a lack of commitment... When people with lots of options commit easily, its not a good sign.

[Emilie Jolie]

On 6/29/2020 at 8:51 AM, pc31 said:

About him: He is also in his early 30s, but he immigrated to this X developed country more than 10 years ago. He now has a very established career and is making roughly $200,000/year. Last year, he sponsored his parents and siblings to this country. And now the PARENTS are buying a 4-bedroom house in the new country. According to the latest real estate report, those houses cost roughly $1 to 1.2 million. Basically, it's not just him, but his parents are also rich.

Your guy's earning power puts him in the top 3% earners in most countries. Although I understand how you feel, he is likely very used to the fact that most people are not on the same financial level. He is dating you, he knows you can hold your own, he can see you're not taking advantage of him because you're contributing to the dates,  so he's probably not seeing it as a power imbalance.

The only thing to be mindful of at this stage is if he knowingly puts you in a position where you couldn't follow in terms of lifestyle, and expecting you to match him. Which doesn't sound like he is doing. So relax, and enjoy your time with him

 

 

 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

Assuming the faith differences aren't an issue, the money differences don't have to be, either.

I've had relationships with men with a lot of money, and they had a similar attitude, which is that they didn't think twice about paying for splurges for us that I couldn't afford - nice dinners, trips, etc. One of them explained it by saying he likes doing those things, doesn't enjoy doing them alone, and the additional expense of paying for me was inconsequential to his finances, so it was a no-brainer.

When power struggle issues emerged during dating, I asked my last boyfriend what he thought about us going dutch on everything, to remove any sense of a power imbalance. He said to him that didn't make sense, since he had a lot more money and it would be a strain on my budget, so we'd have to stop doing some of the fun things we did.

I think things get more complicated when you marry and there's a large financial disparity. I've tended to be involved with men whose attitude is that they'd be fine supporting me financially if I didn't want to work. That has a certain appeal, but you have to consider whether you're comfortable being financially dependent on a man who will almost certainly have expectations (often unspoken) of what you do in return. Maybe he grows more selfish or even domineering as the power imbalance grows. 

Sure, if it gets bad you can eventually leave and the courts will likely award you half of any income accrued during marriage. But by then you may have kids, meaning you'd have to scar them with divorce and everything that comes with it, obviously not ideal.

I guess I'd say be careful and really try to get to know his character. Up until the point of having kids, do everything you can to build your own financial strength so money becomes less of a factor and you have more freedom and choice. 

Edited June 30, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Fresh_Start]

A good man is going to be more interested in the content of your character than the content of your financial portfolio.  I was a very successful business owner once upon a time who dated a lot of women.  Not once did I ever think about how rich or poor they were.  It was not important to me and not a factor in my decision to continue dating them.  Likewise, my father was a pulmonary physician (lung doctor) who owned a private practice.  He and his partners owned a cabin at a ski resort and he drove a Porsche.  After divorcing my mother, he got remarried to a woman who was a waitress.  They are still married to this day more than 30 years later.

Just be yourself, take inventory of all your good qualities and what it is you do have to offer, acknowledge that your present circumstances are not permanent, and don't focus on his wealth.  Money doesn't make the man and for all you know he could turn out to be a total d-bag.  You've only been dating him for a month so live in the moment and take it one day at a time.  

Edited June 30, 2020 by Fresh_Start

[Hopeful30]

On 6/29/2020 at 7:14 AM, alphamale said:

the more in common a couple has the greater the chance their relationship will last

This^^

We naturally gravitate towards what feels familiar, and when we have similar lifestyles, backgrounds, mentality, even upbringing, we click more. After all, like attracts like.

That doesn't mean people from different cultures can't make it work, but it requires effort and energy dedicated to areas that aren't even 'areas' for those who already have the basics in common.

[gaius]

I think most men focus mostly on two factors when it comes to a potential mates finances and education level.

First off, is your situation going to prevent him from living the type of lifestyle he wants? If he can comfortably pay for whatever activities you two want to do himself then it probably won't be a big deal. And second, whether or not you're going to embarrass him in front of his family/friends. Unless he hates his parents, if he's from a well educated, ambitious family he probably won't be bringing a woman who works at McDonald's to meet mom and dad.

Other than that, as admirable as it is on a non-sexual level for a woman to be doing well financially, or have achieved a high level education, it doesn't really play into attraction or count much toward "what you bring to the table". There's a very good reason why there's no porn where women just read off their degrees or go to the ATM and make a big withdrawal.

[manfrombelow]

OP is being overwhelmed seeing how rich her date is. 

But little did she know, he (and most guys) give zero F**K about her (or any other potential romantic female partner) financial condition. Men in general don't care about that. But women in general do.

My advice? Keep calm and keep dating him, or to be exact, keep enjoying his company. Stay in the presence. It's not like your parents are going to meet next week.

Edited July 1, 2020 by manfrombelow