Dating someone who just got out of a relationship

[Haerts]

Hey guys, it's me again.

Look, I met this guy through a dating app a couple weeks ago and so far things are amazing. I never met someone who I have so much in common before. It's clear he's very into me as well.

We've been texting daily and we went on 3 dates so far. This weekend I slept over at his place and we spent the Sunday together. He's absolutely great.

There's one thing in the way though: his ex just broke up with him about a month ago - 1 year relationship.

I know this is risky territory (I could be a rebound, he could go back to his ex, etc) and I know this is too soon to say anything, but my anxiety is driving me crazy. I'm trying to keep it casual, but I won't deny that I'm already kinda falling for him. 

I've been through a thousand terrible first dates lately, he seems to be a great match despite that fact.

Has anyone been through something similar? I would appreciate some advice.

[Stevnx3]

I'd just keep it pushing. Sounds to me, that things are going well. Do not fret his past; if there are no signs or red flags involved, and it seriously does not sound like there are any ( yes he just got out of a 1 - yr relationship ), but sounds to me that things are going well.

Now if his ex comes up a whole lot on conversation - then worry. But right now, it doesn't appear to be something you should worry about.

[FMW]

One year isn't a significant amount of time in general, just a good amount of time to determine if the relationship has a good basis for long term.  And since they broke up, apparently it failed that test. 

Enjoy but don't rush anything and keep your eyes open for any warning signs, like him talking about the ex a lot or inconsistent behavior toward you.  

[Erik30]

 

10 hours ago, Haerts said:

Look, I met this guy through a dating app a couple weeks ago and so far things are amazing

 

10 hours ago, Haerts said:

his ex just broke up with him about a month ago

I think you're right to have some concerns, it seems like this guy immediately started using a dating app after he got dumped. A lot of people do that to get over their ex. 

There's a good chance that you're a rebound, especially since it wasn't his choice to end the relationship.

I would say try to just keep it casual and fun for now, if you're okay with that. It might work out in the end, despite his recent break-up 

[smackie9]

One year is a drop in the bucket in adult dating years. I don't see anything as a real red flag, BUT If I were you, keep your feelings in check. Too soon to be swooning that hard over someone you barely know.

[Fox Sake]

10 hours ago, Haerts said:

Hey guys, it's me again.

Look, I met this guy through a dating app a couple weeks ago and so far things are amazing. I never met someone who I have so much in common before. It's clear he's very into me as well.

We've been texting daily and we went on 3 dates so far. This weekend I slept over at his place and we spent the Sunday together. He's absolutely great.

There's one thing in the way though: his ex just broke up with him about a month ago - 1 year relationship.

I know this is risky territory (I could be a rebound, he could go back to his ex, etc) and I know this is too soon to say anything, but my anxiety is driving me crazy. I'm trying to keep it casual, but I won't deny that I'm already kinda falling for him. 

I've been through a thousand terrible first dates lately, he seems to be a great match despite that fact.

Has anyone been through something similar? I would appreciate some advice.

From my own experiences, I say don’t allow yourself to get too attached. I got used in the very same situation twice,  before I learned that people fresh out of relationships need time , whether they admit it or not. 

The way i see it- no one gets over a year long relationship in a month. He was the one who was left heartbroken (going by your post). Then he found you to fill the gap and feel wanted. Do you ever remember getting your heart broken and how did you feel after? 

Having been in your very position myself twice before , it never ended well. Always at my expense. And things were just the same for me - they were going great or so I thought.  
 
I really hope it all works out for you and there isn’t any drama. I hope that my experiences were just my own and don’t pertain to your situation, but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t share 

Edited June 29, 2020 by Fox Sake

[Haerts]

8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

One year is a drop in the bucket in adult dating years. I don't see anything as a real red flag, BUT If I were you, keep your feelings in check. Too soon to be swooning that hard over someone you barely know.

It's the second time that happened this year. I'm not sure what is going on with me. Last year I was running away whenever there were signs of compromise, and now it feels like I want a relationship so badly. Plus I've been through soooo many non sense guys these past months, meeting someone who's actually great (and so, so much in common) makes me somehow get attached too fast. Probably just my anxiety playing its role.   

[Haerts]

8 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

From my own experiences, I say don’t allow yourself to get too attached. I got used in the very same situation twice,  before I learned that people fresh out of relationships need time , whether they admit it or not. 

The way i see it- no one gets over a year long relationship in a month. He was the one who was left heartbroken (going by your post). Then he found you to fill the gap and feel wanted. Do you ever remember getting your heart broken and how did you feel after? 

Having been in your very position myself twice before , it never ended well. Always at my expense. And things were just the same for me - they were going great or so I thought.  
 
I really hope it all works out for you and there isn’t any drama. I hope that my experiences were just my own and don’t pertain to your situation, but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t share 

I also have some baggage when it comes down to dating people who just got out of a relationship, most of times it was bad. That's why I feel sorta scared. I will keep my options open for now and keep myself distracted between dates. He's like all gung ho wanting to see me pretty much everyday, I'm slowing it down 'cause I don't want to be the one "to fill the gap".

Last time we met he talked a little about his ex. He said he wanted to break up because they had nothing in common, but then she broke up with him first. Apparently there used to be lots of arguments between them. They still talk as friends, but he said he had sex with her last time they met. Maybe this is a real red flag?

[amaysngrace]

If you can blow their mind (and other things maybe is what takes, idk) it makes it easier for them to say good bye for good.  

But you need to be very extra special to be able to pull that off.

Good luck! 

[Fox Sake]

10 hours ago, Haerts said:

I also have some baggage when it comes down to dating people who just got out of a relationship, most of times it was bad. That's why I feel sorta scared. I will keep my options open for now and keep myself distracted between dates. He's like all gung ho wanting to see me pretty much everyday, I'm slowing it down 'cause I don't want to be the one "to fill the gap".

Last time we met he talked a little about his ex. He said he wanted to break up because they had nothing in common, but then she broke up with him first. Apparently there used to be lots of arguments between them. They still talk as friends, but he said he had sex with her last time they met. Maybe this is a real red flag?

Woaaa! Okay you have your head screwed on. Please read what you wrote to me there and pretend it was someone else ...what would you say to them? 

They had sex the last time they met. They still talk. Sounds like unfinished business and you’re being used as the back up. I don’t believe they had nothing in common, nor do I believe he was going to do it first. Otherwise he would have run with the breakup and not keep talking about or to her, or sleeping with her or even managing to talk to her at all.
You should really protect your heart. I see red flags in that that story and him all gun ho was one, despite still speaking to and sleeping with his ex. This guy is not ready for you and I think you know that too. Proceed with caution. 

 

[Erik30]

10 hours ago, Haerts said:

He's like all gung ho wanting to see me pretty much everyday, I'm slowing it down 'cause I don't want to be the one "to fill the gap".

Last time we met he talked a little about his ex. He said he wanted to break up because they had nothing in common, but then she broke up with him first. Apparently there used to be lots of arguments between them. They still talk as friends, but he said he had sex with her last time they met. Maybe this is a real red flag?

Yeah this sounds to me like he's not over it at all (it's only been a month) and he just doesn't want to be alone... 

[Haerts]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

Woaaa! Okay you have your head screwed on. Please read what you wrote to me there and pretend it was someone else ...what would you say to them? 

They had sex the last time they met. They still talk. Sounds like unfinished business and you’re being used as the back up. I don’t believe they had nothing in common, nor do I believe he was going to do it first. Otherwise he would have run with the breakup and not keep talking about or to her, or sleeping with her or even managing to talk to her at all.
You should really protect your heart. I see red flags in that that story and him all gun ho was one, despite still speaking to and sleeping with his ex. This guy is not ready for you and I think you know that too. Proceed with caution. 

Yeah, maybe that's why deep inside I have this feeling telling me that this won't end up well. I just don't know what to do.

It feels like the same old story all over again. Except the last time I jumped head first in the dating phase and now I'm being more cautious.

It's also all way too recent too.

Do you guys think it's a good idea to talk to him about it? Like ask him what he's looking for. Idk, it's only been a couple weeks since I met him, altho I'm seeing potential in a future relationship besides this "ex-factor". 

I know at this point in life I'm definitely not looking for casual. So maybe making things clear at the beginning would be the best?

So I can move on if necessary?

 

 

Edited June 30, 2020 by Haerts

[FMW]

11 hours ago, Haerts said:

he said he had sex with her last time they met.

So was that after they broke up?  If so, then I revise my response.  

If they've been broken up a month, but had sex since then, and you've only been with him a few weeks - and had sex - then I think you're right to be concerned.  Too much mingling in a short period of time.

[Haerts]

2 minutes ago, FMW said:

So was that after they broke up?  If so, then I revise my response.  

If they've been broken up a month, but had sex since then, and you've only been with him a few weeks - and had sex - then I think you're right to be concerned.  Too much mingling in a short period of time.

It was, yes. According to what he said.

What bothers me is that it's pretty much the same situation of the previous guy. Recently broken up with ex, wanted to see me everyday, said I was special, made me meet all of his closest friends, made lots of plans... all of this in a very short period of time. I fell for it and in the end I was ghosted.

Now I don't want the same outcome to happen, so I'm slowing him down. He already tried to schedule meet ups with his closest friends and me twice and I gave some lame excuse. Keeping our dates to once or twice a week too.

I feel so damn confused again and this sucks. I'm tired of being used and thrown away like I'm garbage.

But just like the other guy, he's just incredible. Is the risk worth it?

[Fox Sake]

21 minutes ago, Haerts said:

Yeah, maybe that's why deep inside I have this feeling telling me that this won't end up well. I just don't know what to do.

It feels like the same old story all over again. Except the last time I jumped head first in the dating phase and now I'm being more cautious.

It's also all way too recent too.

Do you guys think it's a good idea to talk to him about it? Like ask him what he's looking for. Idk, it's been a couple weeks since I met him. I'm seeing potential in a future relationship besides this "ex-factor". 

I know at this point in life I'm definitely not looking for casual. So maybe making things clear at the beginning would be the best?

 

 

Follow your intuition, you really do know best . Believe it or not.
You need someone with the “x-factor”.  Not the “ex -factor” 
 

Why are you making excuses to yourself and for him? I’m just curious. You definitely want to settle down and I feel like you’re latching on to someone who is showing you extreme interest because of that, despite him being totally unready. You’re an option not a priority, otherwise he wouldn’t be off f***ing his ex and talking to you.   

All that is going to happen is you will show him that it’s okay to behave like that and you’ll end up getting hurt.  You can ask him what he wants , he will tell you what you want to hear, or you will hear what you want to hear. He sounds emotionally immature and can’t hack any time on his own without the validation of a woman to be there for him. 
 

In life, I believe we make the same mistakes over and over until we learn from them. I feel like this is your chance to learn from the last time. Don’t be a doormat to anyone. Be a prize. You’re worth better than this and clearly have a lot to give in a relationship, so why settle for less than you’re worth? 
 

Edit - you know best at the end of the day. I just don’t want to see you wound up and hurt because of something that could have been avoided. I suggest you take some time and really reflect on this , look deep inside and be honest with yourself as to why you think this guy is so amazing... I think you’ll surprise yourself if you’re brutally honest.

 

furthermore , if you tell him you don’t think he’s ready and you want to wait until he has had some time alone , not only will he respect you more , but his actions following that will give you some true answers as to who he really is 
 

Edited June 30, 2020 by Fox Sake

[Haerts]

12 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Why are you making excuses to yourself and for him? I’m just curious. You definitely want to settle down and I feel like you’re latching on to someone who is showing you extreme interest because of that, despite him being totally unready. You’re an option not a priority, otherwise he wouldn’t be off f***ing his ex and talking to you. 
 

I don't want it to sound like an excuse, but he had sex with his ex before he met me (though Idk how far of this is true).

And look, all of what I'm saying here is that he is still the same and is interested, I can tell. The other guy was ghosting me, this one isn't (so far). What I don't know is if he's up for something more or just casual and I don't know what to do because it's recent. Things are still going great between us, so I don't want to just "break up". Although I'm very afraid of getting hurt again.

Edited June 30, 2020 by Haerts

[Fox Sake]

16 minutes ago, Haerts said:

I don't want it to sound like an excuse, but he had sex with his ex before he met me (though Idk how far of this is true).

And look, all of what I'm saying here is that he is still the same and is interested, I can tell. The other guy was ghosting me, this one isn't (so far). What I don't know is if he's up for something more or just casual and I don't know what to do because it's recent. Things are still going great between us, so I don't want to just "break up". Although I'm very afraid of getting hurt again.

Well I’m not here to change your mind, just here to light up a few dark places that you may not be able to see at the present moment and give you food for thought so as you can make your own decisions. 
 

let me point you back to my last paragraph where i said tell him you want to wait until he has had some time alone to process everything.
If he truly likes you he will wait and respect you , your head will deal with it better too.
If you’re just a rebound he will move on to his next victim. I know this will be hard for you tho, you seem to wear your heart on your sleeve and there’s nothing wrong with that , but do protect your self 

[Calmandfocused]

This has got red flags all over it for many reasons. 
 

Firstly: what justifiable reason has your man got for keeping such good pals with a women who he only finished with a month ago and whom he didn’t get on very well with? 

Secondly, if he had sex with her a month ago he’s still attracted to her. 

However in my opinion the most enormous red flag here is that this man cannot be on his own! He is needy, suffocating and can’t give himself 5 mins to even process some of his feelings from his last relationship. Instead he wants you to save him! There is a high risk that these unresolved feelings will transfer to your relationship in one way or another. 
 

Getting emotionally attached to someone fresh out a relationship is never a good idea. Don’t be a distraction, aim to be Number 1 in someone’s affections 
 

 

[Haerts]

18 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Well I’m not here to change your mind, just here to light up a few dark places that you may not be able to see at the present moment and give you food for thought so as you can make your own decisions. 
 

let me point you back to my last paragraph where i said tell him you want to wait until he has had some time alone to process everything.
If he truly likes you he will wait and respect you , your head will deal with it better too.
If you’re just a rebound he will move on to his next victim. I know this will be hard for you tho, you seem to wear your heart on your sleeve and there’s nothing wrong with that , but do protect your self 

Sorry, I didn't see the edited part before. 

And yes, I do wear my heart on my sleeve. I like your suggestion though.

We have a date scheduled for this week and I will see how this goes and perhaps talk to him about it. 

If there's one thing I'm sure of, is that I don't want to be a rebound.

[Haerts]

18 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Firstly: what justifiable reason has your man got for keeping such good pals with a women who he only finished with a month ago and whom he didn’t get on very well with? 

Secondly, if he had sex with her a month ago he’s still attracted to her. 

Well about this, when I broke up with my ex, I had sex with him shortly after even though I knew I didn't want the relationship back, because it was just terrible, we were very incompatible and still stayed together for 4 years. Sex wasn't even great, still I went for it. Yes, it's confusing - and yes, it is a bad thing if we think about my current situation.

 

20 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

However in my opinion the most enormous red flag here is that this man cannot be on his own! He is needy, suffocating and can’t give himself 5 mins to even process some of his feelings from his last relationship. Instead he wants you to save him! There is a high risk that these unresolved feelings will transfer to your relationship in one way or another. 

I was concentrating so much of my time thinking about the great sides and I hadn't actually thought about this: what if we got into a relationship? That's so true, the chances these unresolved issues would get in the way are so big.

[xoxobby_25]

This screams red flags!

1 month is not enough time to get out a year relationship. It sounds like he is "love-bombing" you (being super nice to fall for his traps). Beware with these kind of guys, especially when you meet them online, a lot of them are looking for rebounds. 

You can choose to continue dating him if he's respecting you, but you have to be aware of your heart if that makes sense. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Haerts said:

What bothers me is that it's pretty much the same situation of the previous guy. Recently broken up with ex, wanted to see me everyday, said I was special, made me meet all of his closest friends, made lots of plans... all of this in a very short period of time. I fell for it and in the end I was ghosted.

The dynamics of the rebound.
Meets someone similar to his ex or grabs the first girl he can get.
He slots her straight into the space his ex occupied.
Right away it feels like they are a couple, he treats her like a gf, someone he has known for years, someone he loves..
She feels like it is "right", she feels cosy and warm.
She meets his friends, his family... she must be important if he is showing her off...
All is hunky dory, until one day he realises she is NOT his ex.
She is an imposter, a substitute.
She was there to smooth the way, but now he wants someone better suited... someone he does actually love...
She is devastated.

[Lotsgoingon]

This is NOT a close call. Not a close call. This guy had sex with his ex since breaking up with her. Are you kidding me?! And he's only been "broken up" for a month.

You absolutely 100 percent are a rebound. And rebounds can rebound in all sorts of ways. 

You should be anxious, because you are apparently becoming attached to someone who isn't unattached. Remember, we break up with someone on Tuesday. Doesn't mean by Friday, we are emotionally clear and open to dating ... or that by one month, we are at a point where we have let go the other person.

You should that it's very easy to be super charming when in rebound, because you are riding a high and some people (not all) when they're riding that rebound high, their brains fill with chemicals and warmth and friendliness and talkativeness. But you are not seeing him as he really is. 

Stop it now.  You're only going to get burnt if you want a real relationship. If you just want sex, fine, keep going. But he might dump you anyway, to go back to the ex--even for sex.

Tip: "My anxiety is driving me crazy" = ALWAYS ... ALWAYS ... the relationship isn't good, isn't feeling safe. Something is wrong. 

 

[Haerts]

You guys are absolutely correct. I had some time to meditate and think about it all myself and I decided to keep everything very casual from now on.

I had even stopped using the dating apps and stuff 'cause I wanted to focus on him. I'm generally like that when I meet someone I like and I don't mind if they're seeing other people if they choose to - not in this case though that there's an ex in the picture. 

[Mystery4u]

There is no reason whatsoever to still be talking to his ex as friends. And had sex after they broke up? And it was only one month ago? Errr it's clear as day you are a rebound.

If he was ready to start a new long term relationship he would have left his ex in the past where she belongs, so he can start fresh with someone new without any baggage.

I hope you haven't had sex with him yet after only a couple of weeks of talking/dating.