Clueless husband. I want an apology...

[SARose61]

I've been married for 8 years now. You'd think I'd be use to the disappointments but it only seems to be getting worse. My husband seems to be living in a world of his own. Totally oblivious to my life, my emotional needs, what life as a married person should be like.

 

My latest disappointment came yesterday. Several months ago, I joined a church choir. A very professional one. I finally mustered up my courage to volunteer to sing solo. Yesterday was the 1st time I was going to sing, by myself. Church service was lead by a bishop and at the last minute, I found out that there would also be vatican officials at the service. No pressure, yeah right! I talked so much about this for the past 2 weeks. I practiced night and day at home. Mind you, I know my husband is not a regular church goer. He goes only every once in a while, maybe Christmas & Easter. When I 1st mentioned that I volunteered to sing alone, he did say well I guess I will have to go see you. He knew it was this Sunday. Yesterday, he did not even budge from under the covers, didn't even look up when I told him I was leaving, not even to say good luck. I did not say a word because I didn't want to get into an argument that might lead to me crying or anything that would affect me in any way before singing.

 

I mentioned it when I got home. I told him that I had felt like a child who's parent's missed their 1st school performance. All he could say was Oops I forgot. No Apology, no awareness of how terribly let down I actually felt. As usual he seemed annoyed that I was even mentioning it to him.

 

So last night he asked me if I wanted to fool around. I told him I was not in the mood. I want a true sincere apology and I dont think I will ever get it. I dont want to have to tell him that I want it. But honestly on his own he will never realize that I need to hear him say that he understands how important it was to me. When I tried to tell him, all he could say was there you go again over reacting about things.

 

I just want to throw my hands up and say I give up. As usual, time alone will heal my wounds.

 

Greatful for a place to vent...

 

Rose

[Art_Critic]

Rose.. You need to sit him down and have a heart to heart and tell him how much his actions.. or lack of actions hurt you.

 

Don't just mention this in passing..

 

SIT him down for a relationship talk..

He loves you and something tells me that you will get your needed Apology once you get his attention..

 

Good luck

[Skeered]

Can I make a tiny suggestion...I was married 10 years...and I finally realized that some of our arguements and my hurts could have been solved quite literally by me not dancing around just coming out and saying what I wanted him to do. Not to slam guys because most I have seen on here are great guys but men don't get subtle comments or little suggestions, if you don't say HEY I'M SINGING SUNDAY AND I WANT YOU THERE...they hear I'm singing and if you want to come. He may not like going to church but the plain and simple fact is is he should want to come see you and support you.

 

I would have shook him awake and said c'mon you goin..I'm leavin in a hour. If he chooses not to go with that very open request then he's a butthead that needs to appreciate you more.

 

But just take it from me...state exactly what you want from him and then you know right where he stands and there are no more games.

[slubberdegullion]

Skeered makes an excellent point.

 

Don't hint. Don't expect we know what you want. Don't make subtle suggestions.

 

If you want something, A S K.

 

Men "get" directness. We respect it too.

[Lil Honey]

As women, we are hard-wired to focus on relationships, helping others, and assigning emotions with people and events. I'm really not sure why guys don't seem to be able to do that last one in particular, but a good share of them don't.

 

I don't like having to ask for what I want when I think it's so darned OBVIOUS (especially after so many years). Apparently, it's only obvious to us women. *shrugging*

 

In fairness, you didn't say, "Don't go," but you didn't say, "Go with me" either, so he probably didn't think that it is important either way. *sigh*

 

lil bewildered

[quankanne]

this post makes me think of that barbecue sauce commercial, where they use a thick-headed husband who just doesn't get it to describe just how thick their new and improved product is -- while it tends to exaggerate, there are some truths in that commercial ...

 

men, God love 'em, can BE thick-headed even when they don't intend to be, and you sometimes have to handle them like you do small children by being forceful and direct in your speech. Yes it gets tiring, but it works wonders if you want results. If your husband makes comments that you're getting all emotional over X event, tell him in very clear terminology that this event is important and you want his show of support. That when he drops the ball by forgetting, it's hard to no equate that with his just not giving a flip about what's important to you. That you do not appreciate being taken for granted or expected to just push it off to one side because he doesn't think your feelings ought to be hurt/bothered/upset.

 

sometimes, you've just got to be a beetch about these things so that it sinks into your thick-headed spouse's brain and he connects his behavior (or lack of) with the resulting disappointment you feel when he doesn't come through.

 

switching gears -- the Mass you sang at, was it for the opening of the Vatican exhibit at the convention center? How'd it go? That must have been so thrilling (if not a bit scary) to make your solo debut at that particular liturgy!!!!

[littlekitty]

All make good points...!

 

Men just don't get 'hints'..! It's not in their make up to do so.

 

My man even told me he doesn't get hints so to just tell him what I need and want from him. I do and it works.

 

Communication is key... but really when it comes to men (no offence - I love them ) you have to talk straight....!!

[Mz. Pixie]

SKeered is right. Be more vocal about what you expect. For instance, instead of just assuming I'd get up and meet him at the door when he comes home from his second job, my husband said "I really like to be greeted and acknowledged when I come home from work" So, I've made it a point, unless I'm dead to the world of welcoming him home every night. He eats it up, but yet again, he set the expectation.

[SARose61]

Thank you all for your responses. Lord I know full well that if I want my husband to understand something I have to practically hit him on the head with a 2 by 4. Guess I never give up hope that it wont always be that way. I do have to mention that when I came home and 1st told him that I'd be singing, he did say how exciting and he added that he thought he should go to that mass and I did say that I would like it very much if he would. That was a whole week before the event and I should not have taken it for granted that my practicing around the house would be enough of a reminder, and the fact that I made a special trip to buy a long black skirt for the event the day before too....lol.

 

I did get somewhat of a sincere apology last night though. He said he remembered when he wondered why I walked out more silently than I usually do and by then it was too late.

 

quankanne - to answer your question, the vatican exhibit doesn't open til next week. But officials from the vatican are already in town to set it up. So they chose to attend this mass at the Cathedral without an prior notice. Which was a good thing. Otherwise my nerves would have been off the charts...

 

Rose

[Horse]

Can I make a tiny suggestion...I was married 10 years...and I finally realized that some of our arguements and my hurts could have been solved quite literally by me not dancing around just coming out and saying what I wanted him to do. Not to slam guys because most I have seen on here are great guys but men don't get subtle comments or little suggestions, if you don't say HEY I'M SINGING SUNDAY AND I WANT YOU THERE.

 

I found this with my wife too. I used to try to be tactful and be less direct about things that I wanted or things that were bothering me.

 

She just didn't get the message.

 

Now when I want something I am direct and things go a lot more smoothly.

 

I get hints. We joke about me being able to read her mind. Even then, it's a lot easier if she tells me exactly what she wants and how important it is.

[Outcast]

Guess I never give up hope that it wont always be that way

 

Give up the hope. This is one area where I agree that women are completely wrong in wanting men to be like women. Most of them aren't able to figure out hints so wanting him to be different that way is like wanting an elephant to turn pink. Not gonna happen. So drop the unrealistic hope and learn to live with the husband you have. You should have reminded him a couple of days before and the night before and asked him when he wanted to be wakened.

 

Our own unrealistic expectations make us unhappy. The sooner you get rid of them, the sooner you'll be happy.

[hooghie]

I agree that a lot of the time- women beat around the bush about what they want and that we should make things clear, but come on-this is ridiculous.

 

After 8 years of marriage, your husband should know that you would want him to go to something like this and he should remember the date on his own. Actually, everyone should know that if your loved one does something like this, you should be there.

 

You really shouldn't have to give him a reminder and you said he knew that it was THIS sunday so I'm assuming he was reminded recently.

 

My guess is that he remembered, but wanted to stay in bed. Sorry, maybe I'm just jaded when it comes to marriage.

[slubberdegullion]

After 8 years of marriage, your husband should know that you would want him to go to something like this and he should remember the date on his own.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

Newsflash to all married and involved women: Men are not mind-readers. What may be obvious and clear to you may not be obvious and clear to your man.

 

If you want something, ask. If you need something, ask. If you assume that we'll know what you want or need, you'll probably be disappointed.

[hooghie]

I think in our society, specially when you have kids as constant reminders, it is obvious that SOLO PERFORMANCE that your wife has been working hard to prepare for is something you should go to.