Boyfriend had many partners

[Azincourt]

10 hours ago, Deaana said:

Hi! 
I am dating someone for over a year now. He mentioned that he has had many sexual partners (50 maybe or more)  but he never cheated on anyone. He also said that he is in love with me, and he didn't fall like that for any of the girls before me (except the first girlfriend about 8 years ago and he said that in the beginning when I asked him about his past relationships. He has never mentioned her or any other girlfriend again) but still he said that what he feels for me is much stronger and he wants to marry me in the future. This is also his longest realtionship. He also introduced me to his family and he is very proud to introduce me to others as his girlfriend and caring when we are around with his friends or anybody else. But sometimes I feel upset because he is the first boyfriend for me. I think he might cheat on me because he had so many partners in the past. He also likes famous girls' pictures on instagram and provocative photos, he follows two or three porn actress. But he says that he doesn't care about anyone except me. He also posts me on social media all the time and is never hiding my existence.  Is it a high chance he might cheat? 

if you don't like the fact that he's been with 50 sexual partners or more, maybe this is not the right person for you.   Following pornstars don't mean anything. He thinks they are hot, and that's about it.   There's a chance anyone might sleep with someone else other than their partner.  That's a risk people take when they're dating someone. That could go for a guy who has had like only 1 partner before meeting you.

[schlumpy]

10 hours ago, Deaana said:

 Is it a high chance he might cheat? 

Let's use commonsense.

A person very young in life becomes comfortable with meeting someone of the opposite sex, having some small talk, and then sleeping with them. Not once but multiple times with strangers.

This is learned behavior that is stored within the brain. It's something they are comfortable with.

A new significant other shows up and the previous learned behavior goes dormant. It doesn't go away. It just lies there until the conditions are once again present that will reactivate it.

Right now you are new and shiny. The test will come when your luster wears off.

[d0nnivain]

You need to be more mature about things & that includes learning what is important & what is not important. 

Please clarify this long distance business.  It's not a function of how often you see each other.  In time or miles / Kms kindly identify how far apart you two are from each other.  If it's not 4+ hours or 200+ miles stop saying you have an LDR because frankly you don't.   It may be geographically inconvenient to date him if he's not right there but that doesn't make it an LDR especially if it's possible to see each other every 2-3 days.  

You claim you don't want to tell your parents about him because they will be upset that he doesn't have an education.  It is beginning to sound more like you are hiding him from your parents because you are ashamed of him & his behavior.  You don't like how high his past count is.  You are afraid he will cheat.  You don't like his post history.  BTW liking something or someone on social media is drivel.  It means NOTHING.  Stop ascribing value to it.  You don't like his drinking.  You think he's too flirty.  You two have already been on the verge of a break up before due to your insecurity.  In short if you introduce him to your parents you are afraid that your parents will question your judgment & you fear their disappointment in you. 

It's rarely a good idea to date somebody unless you are their biggest cheerleader.  When you dislike more about them then you like, that is an indication this relationship is not sustainable. 

I suspect you are more happy about the fact that the hot guy from work who all the girls wanted chose you, not because you think he's so great but because you won the prize that all the other girls wanted.  He chose you & you like the ego boost that comes from that. 

[heavenonearth]

I have not read the whole thread but from what I can tell is that you are super insecure and you seem to spend more time worrying than actually being able to enjoy the relationship. After one year, I feel this should not be the case. Where's the foundation of trust here?

[preraph]

5 hours ago, Deaana said:

He is always texting to me. He can't be with someone else and text me. Even when I "don't trust" (rarely),  he sends me facts, like photos with friends and the time the photo is taken.
He also was very popular with girls ans I know that because we used to work together. I was with guys too, I mean they wanted to be with me and they liked me. They were constantly truing to flirt with me. He has mentioned that to me and sometimes I think that is the reason he was so jealous in the beginning. There were also 3 girls who who wanted to flirt with him and he made it them clear that he wasn't interested. A friend of me told me that he is not the guy to do so, like he had many options but he chose me. 
Once when we fought he got drunk and texted me a long message. Some rows were "I might have been with many before you but you were the only one who stole my heart with your smile. I don't know how things will go between us, but I have had an amazing and unforgettable time with you." 
Even though I don't have any facts or reasons not to trust (as I said he never makes me wonder and makes it clear that he loves me and wants to be with me), sometimes I think he could cheat just because he had such a big number in the past. 

I think it's fair to say that all guys except really nervous guys probably want to have sex with a variety of women. So if you accept that as the premise, then the only thing to stop them is ethics. if they have ethics in place that would prevent them from doing that to another person because it would make them feel bad or feel like a sinner or however they ground themselves, that's the best indicator that there might be something to stop them some boundary. 

 

honestly I'd be more worried at this point that he has to keep tabs on you all the time because of jealousy. Is he perfectly fine with you taking a night off and going with your friend somewhere or does he pester you all night while you're doing that? Do your friends like him?

 

 

[smackie9]

He may cheat? Hah quite the opposite. Ever hear of the term "sow your wild oats" ?? well he did just that. For 8 years he had his fill and is now ready to settle down with someone he feels something for.

You should be more concerned about a guy that has had very little to no experience...he is the one that will wonder what else is out there.

Edited June 29, 2020 by smackie9

[BaileyB]

Numbers at both end of the spectrum are not good - both low and high. I personally would never date someone with this many partners, particularly not without an STD test. 

Edited June 30, 2020 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

22 hours ago, smackie9 said:

He may cheat? Hah quite the opposite. Ever hear of the term "sow your wild oats" ?? well he did just that. For 8 years he had his fill and is now ready to settle down with someone he feels something for.

I don't agree.
I think men and women with ultra high numbers, who get into relationships,  miss the chase, miss the variety, miss the validation, miss the ego boost.
They may settle down, they may or may not cheat, but finding one man or one woman "enough" is probably unlikely.
Going on a bit of a wild oats "spree" is a bit different than the 50+ women he has bedded...
 

[d0nnivain]

I didn't have a particularly high # of sexual partners but I had a high # of dates / short term relationships, most lasting about 6 weeks.  Especially in college I loved the chase but didn't care to be tied down in a relationship.  When a guy got serious I got out.  

After college I learned the merits of monogamy.  Then I started a series of long term relationships 1 year +.  I was ready to settle down & did not miss my footloose days.  While that can be fun, it gets tiring & empty after a while.  So IMO somebody who has that doesn't generally crave the superficial any more, unlike somebody who had the same partner with no other experience.  

I'd take a guy with 50 partners (& an STD test) over some guy who dated the same girl all through HS & college but either never married her or got divorced.  That guy without varied experience would be craving strange, not the guy who previously had all the strange he wanted.   

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

I don't agree.
I think men and women with ultra high numbers, who get into relationships,  miss the chase, miss the variety, miss the validation, miss the ego boost.
They may settle down, they may or may not cheat, but finding one man or one woman "enough" is probably unlikely.
Going on a bit of a wild oats "spree" is a bit different than the 50+ women he has bedded...
 

I had a high number and managed 3 long term relationships.

[SumGuy]

On 6/28/2020 at 11:13 PM, Deaana said:

Actually I'm never wondering where he is or what he is doing. He always tells me about it and he insists that this is what he wants, honesty also from me. (He is jealous by the way, he used to be a lot and it got annoying and stressful at some point, but now it is not that much, I consider it normal.)

Following porn actresses (ex or not), would be a real concern for me, and jealousy from a guy who had so many partners...major red flag...like very much.  In addition to the controlling aspect, which should concern you, it could also be projection.  That is he is jealous because he is afraid you cheat because he himself is a cheater.    Cheaters never, or very rarely, come out and ever admit they cheat to women they date.  Him saying he never cheated has zero evidentiary value.

Not sure I saw how long you are together or how old he is.   To me number of partners goes to more judgement, how someone views relationships, how easily they eventually get bored, etc. 

Basically for me I'd take the number of partners and divide by the number of years past 18...removing the times he was in a relationship of any length (like 6 months).   So how many per year or per month does that come to?  Also how long has been his longest previous relationship?  Again, take the info but don't assume he is telling you the whole truth.

That is what is important to me, and I would certainly be very leery if he tried to explain this as that is what men do....that is what certain men do, but it is not what men do.

[Miss Spider]

I don’t date guys who admit to a high kill count. Whatever that says about me, so be it. I think it makes sense a person who is wired to like meaningless sex with random people is less likely to be 100 content with sex with one person forever than a person who only wants  within confines of a meaningful relationship. That’s not why I don’t date guys who admit to having lots of casual sex, though. I just find it unappealing/unattractive 

[Hopeful30]

On 6/28/2020 at 8:50 PM, Deaana said:

Hi! 
I am dating someone for over a year now. He mentioned that he has had many sexual partners (50 maybe or more)  but he never cheated on anyone. He also said that he is in love with me, and he didn't fall like that for any of the girls before me (except the first girlfriend about 8 years ago and he said that in the beginning when I asked him about his past relationships. He has never mentioned her or any other girlfriend again) but still he said that what he feels for me is much stronger and he wants to marry me in the future. This is also his longest realtionship. He also introduced me to his family and he is very proud to introduce me to others as his girlfriend and caring when we are around with his friends or anybody else. But sometimes I feel upset because he is the first boyfriend for me. I think he might cheat on me because he had so many partners in the past. He also likes famous girls' pictures on instagram and provocative photos, he follows two or three porn actress. But he says that he doesn't care about anyone except me. He also posts me on social media all the time and is never hiding my existence.  Is it a high chance he might cheat? 

I'm curious why you are specifically concerned about cheating. My initial concern would be that he expects too much of me sexually, or that my libido might not be to par. But for you, fidelity is what you're concerned about. Why? Have you been cheated on in the past? Do you feel that your man isn't loyal?

Having many sexual partners can be interpreted in many different ways. For you it triggers worries about being faithful. Why do you think this is?

[manfrombelow]

On 6/29/2020 at 7:50 AM, Deaana said:

Hi! 
I am dating someone for over a year now. He mentioned that he has had many sexual partners (50 maybe or more)  but he never cheated on anyone. He also said that he is in love with me, and he didn't fall like that for any of the girls before me (except the first girlfriend about 8 years ago and he said that in the beginning when I asked him about his past relationships. He has never mentioned her or any other girlfriend again) but still he said that what he feels for me is much stronger and he wants to marry me in the future. This is also his longest realtionship. He also introduced me to his family and he is very proud to introduce me to others as his girlfriend and caring when we are around with his friends or anybody else. But sometimes I feel upset because he is the first boyfriend for me. I think he might cheat on me because he had so many partners in the past. He also likes famous girls' pictures on instagram and provocative photos, he follows two or three porn actress. But he says that he doesn't care about anyone except me. He also posts me on social media all the time and is never hiding my existence.  Is it a high chance he might cheat? 

Personally, the number of "kill counts" should always be a discreet matter and should be treated as such.

The fact that this guy mentioned to you how many partners he had (be it really true or not) obviously gave you a bad vibe and negative emotions, which is bad for whatever is going on between the two of you right now. This tells me this guy doesn't really understand the principles of dating, and surely he doesn't understand how emotion works, especially with women.

Finally, the fact you have to come up here to write this post means you're not totally relaxing and being comfy around this guy. My advice is, keep dating him if you want, but always watch what he does, not what he says. Don't treat him as if you're going to marry him tomorrow. Yet. 

[mortensorchid]

Is there anyone out there who is truly honest about their history?  If you are 18 and a virgin it's one thing, if you are 40 and twice divorced it's another.  I have met people whose number of partners is modest, some have gone into the triple digits.  The fact of the matter is, you don't know what's going on in other people's lives and it's best you stay out of it.  But, under certain circumstances you do know or end up knowing certain things about others.  Life is complicated.  But I digress...

I think in this case you should approach with caution.  He sounded alright until the Instagram thing.  Keep your options open. 

[snowboy91]

I can see why you're feeling the way you are at the moment.

Look, I wouldn't consider the total number of sexual partners as a bad thing in and of itself, instead I'd consider it as part of the bigger picture. Out of those 50+ people he's stuck with you for a year, so that has to mean something. What it comes down to is whether you can trust him based only on what the two of you have built during your time together. Distance here and there is a reason to be wary, but not necessarily worried (I don't know the details as to why he's away for so long at a time).

[manfrombelow]

22 minutes ago, snowboy91 said:

I can see why you're feeling the way you are at the moment.

Look, I wouldn't consider the total number of sexual partners as a bad thing in and of itself, instead I'd consider it as part of the bigger picture. Out of those 50+ people he's stuck with you for a year, so that has to mean something. What it comes down to is whether you can trust him based only on what the two of you have built during your time together. Distance here and there is a reason to be wary, but not necessarily worried (I don't know the details as to why he's away for so long at a time).

In short, OP should just stay in the presence, not the future and especially not the past (of the guy's).

Edited July 3, 2020 by manfrombelow