Boyfriend had many partners

[Deaana]

Hi! 
I am dating someone for over a year now. He mentioned that he has had many sexual partners (50 maybe or more)  but he never cheated on anyone. He also said that he is in love with me, and he didn't fall like that for any of the girls before me (except the first girlfriend about 8 years ago and he said that in the beginning when I asked him about his past relationships. He has never mentioned her or any other girlfriend again) but still he said that what he feels for me is much stronger and he wants to marry me in the future. This is also his longest realtionship. He also introduced me to his family and he is very proud to introduce me to others as his girlfriend and caring when we are around with his friends or anybody else. But sometimes I feel upset because he is the first boyfriend for me. I think he might cheat on me because he had so many partners in the past. He also likes famous girls' pictures on instagram and provocative photos, he follows two or three porn actress. But he says that he doesn't care about anyone except me. He also posts me on social media all the time and is never hiding my existence.  Is it a high chance he might cheat? 

Edited June 29, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[preraph]

I liked him up to the point he was following porn actresses on instagram.  Smarmy.  

It is an important distinction that he says he hasn't cheated.  Not all people with lots of partners do cheat or are cheaters.  They're just playing the field.  Of course, he could be lying, but....

 

So what you have to do is be sure that at some point you have a commitment from him to only date you.  Because he could be getting around the "never cheating" by simply never having an exclusive arrangement.  Do you feel like after a year, most of his time is accounted for, or are you always wondering where he is and what he's doing?  If it's been going well, give him a chance.  Lots of partners doesn't mean someone will cheat on someone they are in love with -- but if they have cheated on someone they had a commitment to, they well may do it again. Good luck.

 

 

[Roswell91]

1 hour ago, Deaana said:

Hi! 
I am dating someone for over a year now. He mentioned that he has had many sexual partners (50 maybe or more)  but he never cheated on anyone. He also said that he is in love with me, and he didn't fall like that for any of the girls before me (except the first girlfriend about 8 years ago and he said that in the beginning when I asked him about his past relationships. He has never mentioned her or any other girlfriend again) but still he said that what he feels for me is much stronger and he wants to marry me in the future. This is also his longest realtionship. He also introduced me to his family and he is very proud to introduce me to others as his girlfriend and caring when we are around with his friends or anybody else. But sometimes I feel upset because he is the first boyfriend for me. I think he might cheat on me because he had so many partners in the past. He also likes famous girls' pictures on instagram and provocative photos, he follows two or three porn actress. But he says that he doesn't care about anyone except me. He also posts me on social media all the time and is never hiding my existence.  Is it a high chance he might cheat? 

50 is a high number. Apparently men lower their number, so it could be even higher.

Its a bit weird him following those actresses even though you have access to his Instagram to be able to see that. 

For me personally, that would be a huge turn off. And yeh as the other poster said, its smarmy. 

As for whether he will cheat,i can't  answer that. But according to a male i spoke to in the past, when the body count is pretty high, it becomes an addiction and a man will continue to want to be intimate with a variety of women. They won't be satisfied with one.

Its only one perspective though. 

 

Edited June 29, 2020 by Roswell91

[d0nnivain]

The fact that he had many partners IMO is some evidence he won't cheat.  He sowed his wiled oats already when he was single, foot loose & fancy free.  He was successful at attracting companionship when he wanted it.  Now he wants monogamy & you.  

You are being insecure when there is no need to be.  

[Deaana]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The fact that he had many partners IMO is some evidence he won't cheat.  He sowed his wiled oats already when he was single, foot loose & fancy free.  He was successful at attracting companionship when he wanted it.  Now he wants monogamy & you.  

You are being insecure when there is no need to be.  

I think the same way, but I hate the fact that he is following two porn actresses (even though as far as I know thay have left pornography) and that he likes other girls pictures (he actually likes every post, even famous boys or memes) but seeing his name showing always on the likes makes me think that he might be attracted to sexy and provocative girls. 

[Deaana]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

I liked him up to the point he was following porn actresses on instagram.  Smarmy.  

It is an important distinction that he says he hasn't cheated.  Not all people with lots of partners do cheat or are cheaters.  They're just playing the field.  Of course, he could be lying, but....

 

So what you have to do is be sure that at some point you have a commitment from him to only date you.  Because he could be getting around the "never cheating" by simply never having an exclusive arrangement.  Do you feel like after a year, most of his time is accounted for, or are you always wondering where he is and what he's doing?  If it's been going well, give him a chance.  Lots of partners doesn't mean someone will cheat on someone they are in love with -- but if they have cheated on someone they had a commitment to, they well may do it again. Good luck.

 

 

Actually I'm never wondering where he is or what he is doing. He always tells me about it and he insists that this is what he wants, honesty also from me. (He is jealous by the way, he used to be a lot and it got annoying and stressful at some point, but now it is not that much, I consider it normal.)

[preraph]

Him being jealous is not good. A lot of times guys who do cheat assume that if you had the chance you would cheat also and that's what makes them jealous. They assume you think like they do and that you would be tempted to cheat like they are. And it's also just not good for anyone to be overly jealous because that's also very insecure and can cause problems. So his jealousy is actually the bigger red flag. If you've already had trouble with him about it I don't know that I would keep getting in deep with him but for sure I would give it plenty of time to see how many problems it will cause. insecure people or people who think you're going to cheat are going to drive you crazy not trusting you and monitoring you and not wanting you to have friends or be gone without him and that's a big problem.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Deaana said:

I think the same way, but I hate the fact that he is following two porn actresses (even though as far as I know thay have left pornography) and that he likes other girls pictures (he actually likes every post, even famous boys or memes) but seeing his name showing always on the likes makes me think that he might be attracted to sexy and provocative girls. 

Well, many people are attracted to sexy and provocative girls, OP. So he probably is, just as many women are attracted to sexy guys, too. 

The difference is that your dude doesn't have much discretion in letting people see it. That is where he could be more mature and mindful. Him liking their pictures doesn't mean much, beyond that he likes the eye candy. It  isn't an indication he will cheat on you, and neither is his sexual past. How old is he, for reference, and how old are you? 

I would be more concerned about his issues with jealousy. Make sure you keep an eye on that. 

[Deaana]

4 hours ago, preraph said:

Him being jealous is not good. A lot of times guys who do cheat assume that if you had the chance you would cheat also and that's what makes them jealous. They assume you think like they do and that you would be tempted to cheat like they are. And it's also just not good for anyone to be overly jealous because that's also very insecure and can cause problems. So his jealousy is actually the bigger red flag. If you've already had trouble with him about it I don't know that I would keep getting in deep with him but for sure I would give it plenty of time to see how many problems it will cause. insecure people or people who think you're going to cheat are going to drive you crazy not trusting you and monitoring you and not wanting you to have friends or be gone without him and that's a big problem.

He is always texting to me. He can't be with someone else and text me. Even when I "don't trust" (rarely),  he sends me facts, like photos with friends and the time the photo is taken.
He also was very popular with girls ans I know that because we used to work together. I was with guys too, I mean they wanted to be with me and they liked me. They were constantly truing to flirt with me. He has mentioned that to me and sometimes I think that is the reason he was so jealous in the beginning. There were also 3 girls who who wanted to flirt with him and he made it them clear that he wasn't interested. A friend of me told me that he is not the guy to do so, like he had many options but he chose me. 
Once when we fought he got drunk and texted me a long message. Some rows were "I might have been with many before you but you were the only one who stole my heart with your smile. I don't know how things will go between us, but I have had an amazing and unforgettable time with you." 
Even though I don't have any facts or reasons not to trust (as I said he never makes me wonder and makes it clear that he loves me and wants to be with me), sometimes I think he could cheat just because he had such a big number in the past. 

[Deaana]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, many people are attracted to sexy and provocative girls, OP. So he probably is, just as many women are attracted to sexy guys, too. 

The difference is that your dude doesn't have much discretion in letting people see it. That is where he could be more mature and mindful. Him liking their pictures doesn't mean much, beyond that he likes the eye candy. It  isn't an indication he will cheat on you, and neither is his sexual past. How old is he, for reference, and how old are you? 

I would be more concerned about his issues with jealousy. Make sure you keep an eye on that. 

He is 27 and I'm 22

[Mystery4u]

So firstly from your previous thread you are too scared to tell your parents about him, and now you are insecure because of his past. It's pretty clear what the problem here is, and its not him.

You need to be able to accept someone's past before they met you, if the relationship is going to work. Can't go back and change the past. Instead you should focus on a future together.

Sounds like you are not mature enough for a long term commited relationship yet. Can't see this relationship lasting.

[Deaana]

9 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

So firstly from your previous thread you are too scared to tell your parents about him, and now you are insecure because of his past. It's pretty clear what the problem here is, and its not him.

You need to be able to accept someone's past before they met you, if the relationship is going to work. Can't go back and change the past. Instead you should focus on a future together.

Sounds like you are not mature enough for a long term commited relationship yet. Can't see this relationship lasting.

It's not that I don't tell my parents because of his past partners. It has nothing to do with it. Actually the fact that he is always insisting and tired of them not knowing anything, makes me think that he is more than serious With me and he won't cheat. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Deaana said:

It's not that I don't tell my parents because of his past partners. It has nothing to do with it. Actually the fact that he is always insisting and tired of them not knowing anything, makes me think that he is more than serious With me and he won't cheat. 

Good grief, girl, you have got to stop feeding your fears and mentally testing him like this. The more likely outcome is that he will get tired of being kept a secret and date someone who doesn't lead with fear. 

Look, if someone is going to cheat, they're going to cheat. Meeting the parents isn't going to change that. Having 50 or 5 sexual partners isn't going to change that. It comes down to personal integrity and respect for you and the relationship. There is never a guarantee that we won't get hurt in a relationship; that's where trust comes in. All we can do is trust that our partners will behave in ways that protect the relationship and our emotional well-being. If you live in this mindset of near-constant insecurity, and seeking reassurance that he won't cheat - you are the one who is not ready for a serious relationship. 

[elaine567]

I think having many partners and cheating are two separate issues, but they can exist together.
I kind of agree with Roswell

7 hours ago, Roswell91 said:

when the body count is pretty high, it becomes an addiction and a man will continue to want to be intimate with a variety of women. They won't be satisfied with one.

He may not cheat depending on his moral compass, but he will likely move off as soon as he gets bored, which may not be that far away.
That is the problem.

27 minutes ago, Deaana said:

 "I might have been with many before you but you were the only one who stole my heart with your smile. I don't know how things will go between us, but I have had an amazing and unforgettable time with you." 

Sorry but that isn't good.
Sounds like he already has one foot out of the door.
Note "I have had" not "I am having"

Edited June 29, 2020 by elaine567

[Deaana]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I think having many partners and cheating are two separate issues, but they can exist together.
I kind of agree with Roswell

He may not cheat depending on his moral compass, but he will likely move off as soon as he gets bored, which may not be that far away.
That is the problem.

Sorry but that isn't good.
Sounds like he already has one foot out of the door.
Note "I have had" not "I am having"

Yes, "I have had" because we were about to break up 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Deaana said:

Yes, "I have had" because we were about to break up 

Over this issue? 

 

[Deaana]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Over this issue? 

 

No 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Deaana said:

No 

What was it about?

It seems odd that he would mention being with many people in this message if the almost-breakup was related to something else. 

EDIT: Your other recent thread indicates that this is a long-distance relationship. Is that correct? If so, how far apart are you and how often do you meet in person? You also said in that thread that you're worried your parents will tell you that he'll cheat on you, given the distance. Is this something that you hear a lot at home too, about boyfriends who will cheat? 

Edited June 29, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Deaana]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What was it about?

It seems odd that he would mention being with many people in this message if the almost-breakup was related to something else. 

It was long ago so I can't remember why. But with that he meant that I was important to him. 

[Deaana]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What was it about?

It seems odd that he would mention being with many people in this message if the almost-breakup was related to something else. 

EDIT: Your other recent thread indicates that this is a long-distance relationship. Is that correct? If so, how far apart are you and how often do you meet in person? You also said in that thread that you're worried your parents will tell you that he'll cheat on you, given the distance. Is this something that you hear a lot at home too, about boyfriends who will cheat? 

No, I never hear about that. Never have. It is my assumption because they thinks long-distance relationships don't work.
It depends how often we meet. 3 months, 2 months. But over 4-5 months we haven't been in distance.

[ExpatInItaly]

35 minutes ago, Deaana said:

It was long ago so I can't remember why. But with that he meant that I was important to him. 

So he randomly brings up his colourful sexual history? Is this part of the problem, perhaps? I had assumed he referenced this because he was trying to reassure you about this specific issue. 

27 minutes ago, Deaana said:

No, I never hear about that. Never have. It is my assumption because they thinks long-distance relationships don't work.
It depends how often we meet. 3 months, 2 months. But over 4-5 months we haven't been in distance.

To clarify, you're not long-distance anymore? How often do you see each other now?

[Deaana]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So he randomly brings up his colourful sexual history? Is this part of the problem, perhaps? I had assumed he referenced this because he was trying to reassure you about this specific issue. 

To clarify, you're not long-distance anymore? How often do you see each other now?

We will be again long distance, but for the moment we are not. It depends how often we meet each other, every day, every 2-3 days 

Edited June 29, 2020 by Deaana

[ExpatInItaly]

Then I think you have to decide whether or not you want to get serious with him, by introducing him to your parents. 

It sounds like he's done his fair share of investing and integrating you into his life. The bigger risk is that he will get fed up of you keeping him a secret from your family and end it, not that he will cheat. Nobody wants to feel they aren't good enough for their partner, but that's the message you're sending by not being brave enough to tell your parents about him. 

Are you maybe subconsciously using this fear of cheating as an excuse to keep him away from your family a little longer? 

[Deaana]

15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then I think you have to decide whether or not you want to get serious with him, by introducing him to your parents. 

It sounds like he's done his fair share of investing and integrating you into his life. The bigger risk is that he will get fed up of you keeping him a secret from your family and end it, not that he will cheat. Nobody wants to feel they aren't good enough for their partner, but that's the message you're sending by not being brave enough to tell your parents about him. 

Are you maybe subconsciously using this fear of cheating as an excuse to keep him away from your family a little longer? 

No, I don't use it at all. It has nothing to do with the cheating part. I want to telI them. I find it hard to tell my parents because of education and long distance. These doesn't bother me, but I'm sure would bother my parents. 

[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, Deaana said:

No, I don't use it at all. It has nothing to do with the cheating part. I want to telI them. I find it hard to tell my parents because of education and long distance. These doesn't bother me, but I'm sure would bother my parents. 

This  is part of being an adult. We sometimes make life choices our parents won't approve of, and we have to deal with whatever their reaction might be.