Random guy in bar tried to trigger my date?

[yesilikebread]

I was on a date once with a man I've been seeing a few times. We were sitting in a bar and sitting at the table next to us were a few (unknown to us) adults. All of a sudden, one of the men (a quite large man, tall that is) from the table next to us started initiating contact with us, which I don't necessarily mind, but it was obvious he knew he was bothering us, I mean we were practically sitting pressed against each other and engaged in conversation. Well, I excused myself to the restroom, and this man apparently had the nerve to ask my date how long we had been seeing each other, and if we had slept together!! (My date told me this afterward). 

Now, I don't find the first question that intrusive, if the three of us would have had a nice chat, and it would naturally come up in conversation.

When I came back from the restroom this man was still sitting at our table, and he started talking about women, and what they need in a relationship. He started talking about how women want a taller guy, he actually asked us if my date was taller than me, Then continued to babble on about how women want strong and confident men who protect them from people who comes in and intrudes. This was so weird, and I of course understood what he was getting at. He was almost aggressive in his tone of voice.  I could tell he made my date quite uncomfortable.

We decided to leave, and when we did he tried to shake my date's hand.. As we left I told my date 'hey, what an a**h***', and how I believed he tried to trigger him, and my guy said that he hadn't realized until I said it. I don't know if he was actually honest, or if he just didn't know what to do in that situation.

This was a very strange situation to be in, I don't know if the guy wanted to argue with my date? Establishing control? It also made me wonder what I would have wanted my date to say/or react. I do wonder if the situation wold have gotten worse, would my date have done anything? Obviously I would have said something, but I also like feeling protected by the guy I like.

Curious to know your thoughts. What would you have done? Would you expect the man to protect and take charge? And as a man, would you have done so?

 

[d0nnivain]

I certainly would not have told my date that this guy was triggering him.  I would have left with my date, commented that the intrusive guy was a jerk & never looked back.    If I didn't want to leave I might have said "Hey buddy we're on a date.  3 is a crowd.  Please go back to your own friends."  

Edited June 28, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Roswell91]

2 hours ago, yesilikebread said:

I was on a date once with a man I've been seeing a few times. We were sitting in a bar and sitting at the table next to us were a few (unknown to us) adults. All of a sudden, one of the men (a quite large man, tall that is) from the table next to us started initiating contact with us, which I don't necessarily mind, but it was obvious he knew he was bothering us, I mean we were practically sitting pressed against each other and engaged in conversation. Well, I excused myself to the restroom, and this man apparently had the nerve to ask my date how long we had been seeing each other, and if we had slept together!! (My date told me this afterward). 

Now, I don't find the first question that intrusive, if the three of us would have had a nice chat, and it would naturally come up in conversation.

When I came back from the restroom this man was still sitting at our table, and he started talking about women, and what they need in a relationship. He started talking about how women want a taller guy, he actually asked us if my date was taller than me, Then continued to babble on about how women want strong and confident men who protect them from people who comes in and intrudes. This was so weird, and I of course understood what he was getting at. He was almost aggressive in his tone of voice.  I could tell he made my date quite uncomfortable.

We decided to leave, and when we did he tried to shake my date's hand.. As we left I told my date 'hey, what an a**h***', and how I believed he tried to trigger him, and my guy said that he hadn't realized until I said it. I don't know if he was actually honest, or if he just didn't know what to do in that situation.

This was a very strange situation to be in, I don't know if the guy wanted to argue with my date? Establishing control? It also made me wonder what I would have wanted my date to say/or react. I do wonder if the situation wold have gotten worse, would my date have done anything? Obviously I would have said something, but I also like feeling protected by the guy I like.

Curious to know your thoughts. What would you have done? Would you expect the man to protect and take charge? And as a man, would you have done so?

 

I would have just done my best to prevent the situation from escalating. That man had no business coming in and disrupting your date.

I would expect the man to take charge..but not in a way that would get him arrested . 

[ShyViolet]

The guy sounds like he might have had mental problems.  The best thing to do in a situation like that is just leave, get away from the person.  You don't know what they might do.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Oh my God. That is...SO weird.

It is way outside social boundaries, even casual ones.

[CaliforniaGirl]

42 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

The guy sounds like he might have had mental problems.  The best thing to do in a situation like that is just leave, get away from the person.  You don't know what they might do.

This is good advice. I think in the moment you're kind of just "frozen" in place, wondering what to do...I've been in a similar situation and it's weird and kind of rattling.

This isn't exactly the same scenario but it's the same idea. Once my husband, sons and I were eating at a Mexican restaurant. And this older guy came up to our table. He leaned over to tell my husband now thrilled he was to see "other people like me [him] in a Mexican restaurant." We kind of sat there frozen for a second and this man asked, "What nationality are you guys?" I said, "We're American." (I guess even in a state of shock I'm a smart-A, LOL. Plus he didn't say heritage. I was a little confused.) He said, "I thought you might be German." He nodded at my older son who is blonde and blue-eyed and said, "Especially that one."

(ESPECIALLY that one? Did he think we borrowed some German kid to go out to dinner with just in case we ran into a friendly skinhead who wanted to get to know us?)

He added something or other about his German heritage, etc. (WTF???)

Thank God he kind of waved good-bye and wandered off but my husband and I were gathering up our things to just leave by that point. There are some questions you simply do not ask strangers. When it gets seriously intrusive you can speak up if you're brave and have backup but really, if a person has no regard at all for basic civility with strangers you do not know what he or she will do. We got a scary vibe from this guy even as he was approaching the table - my husband and I talked about it later. We were okay but something was seriously off and not just the shockingly only half-veiled racism. It can be really odd in the moment but really you should probably put some space there if someone acts that far out of bounds with personal questions.

Edited June 29, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Maldives]

Yep he was flouting his feathers not sure his intention showing off by the sounds of it..been in that situation never occurred to me my partner was seeking protection makes sense... your date if anything like me prob trying not  to make a scene and escalate the situation. I kno wat I'll do myself if that happens again I'll tell the stranger were busy and to please if they don't mind leave us be ...I can't stand people like that total strangers just coming up to U and babbling on about nothing ..happens alot wth drunks especially ...I wouldn't hold it against your guy he was probably trying to keep the peace while the other moron was being a smart arse trying to provoke and plant a seed of doubt in Ur mind ...wth people like that these days I'm pretty blunt I just tell em I don't have time for garbage and walk away and sit somewhere else 

Edited June 29, 2020 by Goodguy05

[ExpatInItaly]

This man sounds like he wasn't playing with a full deck, or that he was very drunk or under the influence of something else. 

I don't think telling your date that he tried to trigger him was necessary. Nor do I think your date could have done much more; if someone is a bit unhinged, you don't know how they will react if they perceive that they're being confronted. 

All in all, dude was very weird, but it wasn't a big deal. 

[Fox Sake]

I see 2 sets of odd behaviour here .

You should have shut the intruder down or moved table or left, the first instance he even tried to muscle in on your date and make a fool of your man. It probably made you feel more desirable. I certainly wouldn’t put up with that behaviour on a date of my date entertained that in any way. 

 

“If the 3 of us had a nice chat” ... ~face palm~ you were on a date. Do you see what’s wrong with that sentence? 
2 is a team. 3 is a crowd.
What I want to know is why you’re happy to have another man try to muscle in and have a “nice conversation” when you’re on a date with someone?? That’s odd behaviour... 

Put the shoe on the other foot. 
 

[yesilikebread]

Yes, it was a 'nice'/friendly quick chat the first one or two minutes or so, then it progressively got weird.  You mean we should have just ignored him when he came to our table and sat down? This conversation between the three of us lasted only a few minutes before I told my date that I wanted to leave.

When in my post did I ever write that I was happy that he came up to us, I clearly was not.  Made me feel more desirable? I hope that's sarcasm, because if you read my post correctly you would see that it was quite the opposite. 

[yesilikebread]

7 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

This is good advice. I think in the moment you're kind of just "frozen" in place, wondering what to do...I've been in a similar situation and it's weird and kind of rattling.

This isn't exactly the same scenario but it's the same idea. Once my husband, sons and I were eating at a Mexican restaurant. And this older guy came up to our table. He leaned over to tell my husband now thrilled he was to see "other people like me [him] in a Mexican restaurant." We kind of sat there frozen for a second and this man asked, "What nationality are you guys?" I said, "We're American." (I guess even in a state of shock I'm a smart-A, LOL. Plus he didn't say heritage. I was a little confused.) He said, "I thought you might be German." He nodded at my older son who is blonde and blue-eyed and said, "Especially that one."

(ESPECIALLY that one? Did he think we borrowed some German kid to go out to dinner with just in case we ran into a friendly skinhead who wanted to get to know us?)

He added something or other about his German heritage, etc. (WTF???)

Thank God he kind of waved good-bye and wandered off but my husband and I were gathering up our things to just leave by that point. There are some questions you simply do not ask strangers. When it gets seriously intrusive you can speak up if you're brave and have backup but really, if a person has no regard at all for basic civility with strangers you do not know what he or she will do. We got a scary vibe from this guy even as he was approaching the table - my husband and I talked about it later. We were okay but something was seriously off and not just the shockingly only half-veiled racism. It can be really odd in the moment but really you should probably put some space there if someone acts that far out of bounds with personal questions.

I guess frozen is right, I did feel very uncomfortable with the fact that a random man came up to us. If I knew then and there that he had asked my date if we had slept together I would have said something to the guy, because that is very creepy behavior. 

Now, the country I live in we always try to be friendly before someone crosses a boundary, Initially thought he came up to us because he was drunk  and actually thought he would leave after a few minutes. I guess I didn't want to cause a scene. I've had quite bad experiences with telling men to leave me alone and then they become angry and aggressive, I suppose this time I was apprehensive of how he would react to me telling him to leave us alone, hence why me and my date left the bar when this dude wouldn't. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, yesilikebread said:

 I suppose this time I was apprehensive of how he would react to me telling him to leave us alone, hence why me and my date left the bar when this dude wouldn't. 

That's fair, and I think it's safe to assume your date probably was thinking the same thing: how is this oddball going to react if I tell him to bugger off?

In my mind, he was protecting you by not getting confrontational with a random drunk. I think it would have been a bit foolish to do anything else but excuse yourselves. 

[basil67]

Crazy ranty people are part of life, and the best and safest way to deal with them is to be politely distant until you can get away.    You and your boyfriend did the right thing.

Edited June 29, 2020 by basil67

[Fox Sake]

14 hours ago, yesilikebread said:

 

Now, I don't find the first question that intrusive, if the three of us would have had a nice chat, and it would naturally come up in conversation.

 

I don’t see any point that any of that conversation could have been natural, or any point that I personally would have been happy to partake in that conversation. I always read posts properly , including tone and choice of words. That’s how I make my fleeting judgments lol 

I’m not having a go at you, I’m sorry if I offended you at all.
 I guess it just hit a sore spot in my memories when I could relate to something similar from 2 behaviours and I was trying to make you see it from another view. I may have gone about it the wrong way tho. I have a tendency of doing that sometimes. I’m still learning and growing myself  

56 minutes ago, yesilikebread said:

When in my post did I ever write that I was happy 

Edited June 29, 2020 by Fox Sake

[Azincourt]

14 hours ago, yesilikebread said:

I was on a date once with a man I've been seeing a few times. We were sitting in a bar and sitting at the table next to us were a few (unknown to us) adults. All of a sudden, one of the men (a quite large man, tall that is) from the table next to us started initiating contact with us, which I don't necessarily mind, but it was obvious he knew he was bothering us, I mean we were practically sitting pressed against each other and engaged in conversation. Well, I excused myself to the restroom, and this man apparently had the nerve to ask my date how long we had been seeing each other, and if we had slept together!! (My date told me this afterward). 

Now, I don't find the first question that intrusive, if the three of us would have had a nice chat, and it would naturally come up in conversation.

When I came back from the restroom this man was still sitting at our table, and he started talking about women, and what they need in a relationship. He started talking about how women want a taller guy, he actually asked us if my date was taller than me, Then continued to babble on about how women want strong and confident men who protect them from people who comes in and intrudes. This was so weird, and I of course understood what he was getting at. He was almost aggressive in his tone of voice.  I could tell he made my date quite uncomfortable.

We decided to leave, and when we did he tried to shake my date's hand.. As we left I told my date 'hey, what an a**h***', and how I believed he tried to trigger him, and my guy said that he hadn't realized until I said it. I don't know if he was actually honest, or if he just didn't know what to do in that situation.

This was a very strange situation to be in, I don't know if the guy wanted to argue with my date? Establishing control? It also made me wonder what I would have wanted my date to say/or react. I do wonder if the situation wold have gotten worse, would my date have done anything? Obviously I would have said something, but I also like feeling protected by the guy I like.

Curious to know your thoughts. What would you have done? Would you expect the man to protect and take charge? And as a man, would you have done so?

 

The guy sounds like he has mental issues. You and your date did the right thing handling it like that.

How would I act in that scenario as a man? I would pretty much leave my date there if things had turned violent. It's just a date, and even if it was a serious relationship I was in, I'd pretty much avoid getting into a violent conflict. I can get another date or a nother girlfriend or another wife, but if the guy punches me wrong I might end up dead or I win the fight and the guy presses charges. I lose-lose either way.

I remember this group  date I was in.

This guy, drunk guy. 6'6'' and built like a brickhouse. Guys starts making sexual remarks to my date. I told her that I had to take a phonecall, went up to my friends, told them what was going on, so they went there to see if help was needed, and I went home.

[schlumpy]

I read that the stranger was attempting to put reasonable doubt in your mind about how much of man your date was.

It looks like he succeeded.

[Fox Sake]

3 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

I read that the stranger was attempting to put reasonable doubt in your mind about how much of man your date was.

It looks like he succeeded.

This. You’re spot on. 
 

And because she politely gave him the time of a few minutes of conversation it made his job easier. The intruder is a scum bag 

[Azincourt]

If she hadn't given him a few minutes of conversation the intrude might have turned violent. OP handled that with a cool head.

[Ellener]

Sounds like a random drunk lonely person in a bar to me.

 

[kendahke]

17 hours ago, yesilikebread said:

Curious to know your thoughts. What would you have done?

That guy sounded very insecure and drunk. Unless your date was ready to throw over the table and pound him into the ground, he did the right thing by not escalating the man if he didn't think he could take him.

I'd have gotten up and asked to be seated at another table away from that clown.

[lurker74]

I've had similar things happen to me. Both on first dates and later. It's not uncommon, in my experience, to encounter guys who are trying to display masculinity in some weird attempt to woo a pretty lady. I'm sure most every woman on here has experienced the jerk in a sports car at a red light, as if you're going to write your phone number in lipstick on the window. They sometimes do the same thing in person. 

I am not a jealous person but when it happens, I calmly and confidently assert my position. On a first date, that manifests itself by a simple rule, whether it is another patron or even a nosey bartender. First time they talk to us, I am polite and friendly. The second time, I am polite but not friendly. If there is a third time, I nicely ask them to leave us alone so that I can get to know my date better. I've not had a fourth time.

 

[smackie9]

I worked at a bar for 4 years...nothing unusual about a dude that has a few in him, that wants to entertain himself by trying to intimidate another. I call it tough guy syndrome. They do it on purpose because they are looking to create trouble, and it usually takes two bouncers to take him outside. Your date did the right thing by keeping his kool. Thankfully the night wasn't wasted by some buffoon takin a swipe at your date. Guys can be weird.

More than once someone was stabbed/murdered outside a club in Vancouver because someone "Stood up" to another. Not worth it.

Edited June 29, 2020 by smackie9

[mark clemson]

Agreeing with a lot of what's noted above. Sounds like the sort of D-baggery that some sexually frustrated men turn to. Nothing to waste too much mental time on.

[Versacehottie]

4 hours ago, schlumpy said:

I read that the stranger was attempting to put reasonable doubt in your mind about how much of man your date was.

It looks like he succeeded.

Totally agree.  Though I don't think he was doing it to trigger your date.  Probably what your date or perhaps even you thought was not his concern.  It' was the weird guy's way of compensating for what he lacked.  He was there alone while you guys were on a date.  He may have thought you were good looking or his type thus a lot of the inquiring questions wondering what your guy has that he doesn't, all said with a big dose of bravado.  The whole line of questioning to do with height when he is particularly tall is one clue.  Anyway, he sounds like he has boorish behavior and took pub culture a step too far.  There are tons of people like this in the world: that try to make up for the inadequacies they feel by one upping, etc.  Some hit you over the head with it and are way over the top like this guy and some are 100 times more subtle but just as lame.

I don't think your date handled it poorly. Would you rather he had gotten into a bar fight over it?  Some people aren't confrontational.  Some people are smartly non-confrontational.  I also think to get into an altercation or even a verbal argument on a date could be viewed badly by the girl he was dating (in this case you) and not the way he wants to be viewed.  He also may have just been more easygoing about things.  Like "weird people exist in the world, I'm not letting it take over too much of my headspace"  I think as it relates to you and him, you are reading too much into it and taking it to a level that's unnecessary.  This would be a chance to unify on you two against weird guys in bars not nitpick it because your boyfriend doesn't interpret and react to every situation in the exact way you would do or hope he would do.  I realize there are some issues there where maybe long term you perhaps foresee some fundamental compatibility issues due to values you each hold--those are big things, and important things.  If you are ready to "go there" and deduce that from this one interaction, then do so otherwise probably not best to nitpick IMO.

Edited June 29, 2020 by Versacehottie

[yesilikebread]

4 hours ago, schlumpy said:

I read that the stranger was attempting to put reasonable doubt in your mind about how much of man your date was.

It looks like he succeeded.

 He didn't make me question my date's manliness, no. I'm happy my guy didn't become aggressive.