cj_gal Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 I have been dating this guy from college for a month...we have known each other longer,but we recently started seeing each other solely.I knew that he lived with an ex-gf's family and said he had no where else to go..horrible family life..which I seem to attract these guys and he has been very honest about everything...I wanted to get to know him better and he agreed to take it slow..he then IM"s me and says about the waiting 3 months to date..can we start now..Yes I did break my own rules..: and I remind myself since the weekend..(about everyhour) that I did it...We were limited to class nights and whenever we could meet for lunch..I never could get him to commit to a weekend..but he is busy also..He works full time as a computer networker from 8-5,class 4 days a week from 6-11 and his only down time is the weekend..which he sees his mom alot..he was not allowed to see her after his parents divorced and now at 20 he tries to see her every sat.OK now here is the dilemma His ex gf is 16 ...he is 20..and he just found out yesterday that she is 2 months pregnant:( ..i was devastated..so was he..I felt like I was betrayed..I saw him at the mall with her..I called his name and he ran down the escalator to see me and left her go on up..never looked back..he said she had something to tell him and made him take her there..this was what she told him..She didn't know he was dating me..she thought there was someone else and as of Sunday I finally had a face..he doesn't love her and doesn't want to marry her..but he says he will take on the responsibility of the child if it is his..I just don't know what to do or say..I really like him and I have a career ahead of me and so does he..he had a job offer to work overseas for 2 years and now he says that is gone..should he marry her and should I still be there for him.. I really have felt for the first time...that I have met the one person who makes me feel wanted and he said the same about me..he told my mom that I was amazing ..He wants to salvage our relationship..and I want that too..what should I do?
crazy_grl Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Ordinarily, I would say that you two should continue dating if he's not interested in being with his ex. Just because he's going to have a baby with her, doesn't mean that he should marry her. That would turn out badly for both of them. HOWEVER, his ex is 16!!! Are you okay with that? I know I wouldn't be. I would've been gone the second I found out he was sleeping with a 16 year old. I certainly wouldn't stick around knowing she's pregnant. If she's not mature enough to handle this, then there's a good chance she's going to be continually butting into your relationship, and most girls at 16 are not. You need to talk to him about what he feels his role with her should be. If possible, you might also want to have a talk with the ex to see what kind of a person she is, because unless he plans to be a dead-beat dad, she's going to continue to be a part of his life. You need to know if she's the type of woman you want to have to deal with (will she let him have his life or will she constantly be trying to win him back), because her and the baby now come along with the package. Even if you're fine with it though, her parents and/or the courts might not be. Is 16 of legal age where you live? If not, you may find your bf being taken away in cuffs once his ex gives birth.
slubberdegullion Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Man, this is a biggie. So let's break it down into digestible parts. Your man, 20, impregnated a 16-year-old;He says that he'll do the right thing and accept responsibility for the child. (Good for him. Too many guys would either counsel for an abortion or just walk away);Both you and he have excellent career prospects;I'm not sure of your age, but I'm guessing somewhere between 18 and 21;You have really gotten attached to this fellow. I think that's about it, isn't it? If I missed something let me know. I'm afraid that you won't like my advice, but here goes: He and his ex-g/f obviously made a mistake, or their birth control method failed. Either way, like it or not, he's now attached to her - through the child - for at least the next 19 years. Sometimes life really sucks. This is one of those times. You will have to decide if you want to play second fiddle to his child's mum. IMO, that would be a mistake. Undoubtedly you will miss him, and he will miss you, but for the sake of the child and for your sake, it's my unfortunate opinion that you shouldn't hitch your cart to his horse. Despite the fact that you're very enamoured with him right now, I believe that you will come to regret, and maybe even resent, his mistake. You have many years and a good career ahead of you. You sound intelligent, warm and are probably very attractive (unless, of course, that's you in your avatar..!). I believe that in this case you'd be better off being selfish, and letting him go. I know. It blows. But I don't see any other way.
Author cj_gal Posted October 10, 2005 Author Posted October 10, 2005 I have thought about what both of you have said...I spent the entire night thinking about this...My heart sunk when I saw them at the mall..funny thing is,it was a last minute decision to go to buy a sweater I wanted ..I guess this is what they mean about Karma...The entire time he talked there he never took his eyes off me..but I went home and beat him up in an email on how i felt betrayed and the trust he built up was gone. I said I didn't want to talk to him on IM..but I ended up getting on and that is when he told me she was pregnant...for sure..His best friend told me to leave him and there was some things he should tell me..I just assumed he was being a guy...because after he said all this ..he said "I could take you out to dinner some night"...that pi**ed me off..And I don't know if I can trust him either. I am seeing him tonight during class...It's going to be hard...I just finally feel that life is good after 2 years of pure dating hell..and one psycho bf..He makes me feel good about myself and doesn't put me down or the usual..wow she's hot..that makes most guys think I'm easy and have no brains.I will take all this info you have posted with me...mentally.. As for the 16 year old..I know what it was like to be that age and you will do anything to hold onto a person..lie,cheat and hurt to get them...It scares me and he says he is very scared...And the age for consent in Indiana is 16...thank god! I'll keep you posted and thanks for your support..I am 19
Author cj_gal Posted October 11, 2005 Author Posted October 11, 2005 well...I saw him last night and he's a mess...he doesn't know what he is going to do..she hasn't told her parents and won't until the weekend..I don't think he is going to marry her..but he keeps saying everything has changed..I asked him if he wanted me to leave right then and there and he doesn't want me to leave...and he is so scared that one day I'm going to come to class and tell him to take a hike..he said there are so many guys here that like you..I am so confused..I promised him I wouldn't leave him..yet..grrrr...my heart says yes..but I don't want to get any deeper and have him leave me...why can't life be simple...why do you have to go through so much s**t to get to the whipped cream..I have NEVER had an easy time of anything in my life including relationships...help!!
slubberdegullion Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 CJ: There's a process that's often used in business and personal counselling called Future Pacing. (There's a company in New Zealand that has had great success using this process: http://www.futurepace.co.nz) In an oversimplified definition, it's essentially gauging the likely outcomes of decisions you make today in 5, 10, 20 and more years. So take some time and put aside all the advice offered here and through friends and whatnot. Chart out the possible decisions and the potential outcomes, and write them down. Put it aside, then come back to it after a period of time, say, a day. Having the potential futures written down, and even the simple fact of writing them, tends to clarify things and takes most of the emotion out of the equation. Granted, emotions are real and they need to be considered, but many regretful decisions are made on the basis of powerful emotions. This is a real toughie, and I don't envy your position. I wish you good luck.
Author cj_gal Posted October 14, 2005 Author Posted October 14, 2005 thanks for the site...I will try writing those things down...I saw him last night and yesterday he was fine...last night when he had to go home..he was so depressed and all he does is hold me ...he acts like he doesn't want to let go...I am so scared for him...And I know he is thinking of the age difference and he could go to jail...it would ruin his entire life..I wish I could rewind everything and make it all go away..I talked to my ex last night because he is the same age as my guy and he told me to stay with him if I cared..but it was just going to get worse before it got better..sighs...I need a break..
Author cj_gal Posted October 20, 2005 Author Posted October 20, 2005 Well..I think it's over...I decided to email him this morning and tell him that I was going to give him space..He doesn't answer my emails,he logged in on MSN the last 2 days but showed up as logged off..I told him that I could see myself with him down the road..but I wasn't ready to settle down..I also said the semester would be ending soon and that I didn't know what would happen after that.I also said that I didn't feel right seeing him when he was living with her"I felt like a relationship breaker" and that is not me..He actually replied and said he knew where I was coming from and that now he didn't want what he said 5 weeks ago..all this started after her telling him she was pregnant..he also said he was a slut..Makes me feel good.. Why don't men have the balls to tell you it's over..I gave him the chance 3 times and he begged me to stay..Why do they just "go away" like MIA...it's so childish..it hurts more when you act like this with your s/o..The funny thing is he said that he did the things with me because it made me happy and he liked seeing that..I heard the exact same thing from an ex 2 years ago...word for word..Do you guys have a website somewhere with these lines or do they just fall back on your horrible childhood..
Recommended Posts