ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2020 Posted June 28, 2020 10 minutes ago, Julie96 said: It’s a concern, not jealousy, like I say and the fact we look so alike and he said I look better with glasses which was the only thing we didn’t have in common looks wise shows that even if I’m overthinking things It’s not like I had ‘zero real reason to believe this’ I’d say if he falls for someone who looks so similar, and likes me with a feature that was the only thing that made us look different, I’d say that IS a reason, Like I say thanks for your comment and I know now I probably am overthinking the situation, but I stand by the point it was a valid concern to have Again, this is all based on things you are thinking - not things he has actually given you a reason to believe. If it were the latter, then yes, I'd agree it would be a valid concern. For now? I'd say it's an insecurity-based fear you're trying to validate. Why do you think that might be? That is where I would focus so that you don't let fear take the steering wheel here. Do you generally feel insecure about guys' exes? 1
smackie9 Posted June 28, 2020 Posted June 28, 2020 (edited) Way too early to tell because people are usually on their best behavior in the beginning. He just may be cautious about saying you look exactly like his ex and yes might be the reason why he jumped at the chance to be with you. Yes it is concerning but is it harmful at this point? no. Throw caution into the wind and wait and see if he pushes the point to you wearing glasses. That is when you will have your answer. Edited June 28, 2020 by smackie9 1
Author Julie96 Posted June 28, 2020 Author Posted June 28, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Do you generally feel insecure about guys' exes? Not at all, only because this one looks so similar to me that I was worried that the initial attraction for me was because I was being compared to someone else rather than liking me for me Edited June 28, 2020 by Julie96
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2020 Posted June 28, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Julie96 said: He never said I looked like his ex.. hence why I’m concerned... if he’d told me outright I’d know, and not have my suspicions would I? If this guy randomly came out and told you that you look like this ex, do you honestly think that would have made you feel any better? That would have likely unleashed a worse cascade of doubts: why is he even mentioning his ex? Has he been comparing her to me all along? Why does he feel the need to point this out? Does he think about her when he looks at me? Why doesn't he have a better filter for his thoughts? And so on. I have a hard time believing you wouldn't have felt even more insecure if he'd brought up how similar you look all on his own. Try not to feed into that line of thinking. Edited June 28, 2020 by ExpatInItaly
Author Julie96 Posted June 28, 2020 Author Posted June 28, 2020 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: If this guy randomly came out and told you that you look like this ex, do you honestly think that would have made you feel any better? That would have likely unleashed a worse cascade of doubts: why is he even mentioning his ex? Has he been comparing her to me all along? Why does he feel the need to point this out? Does he think about her when he looks at me? And so on. I have a hard time believing you wouldn't have felt even more insecure if he'd brought up how similar you look all on his own. Try not to feed into that line of thinking. I never said I would LIKE it, I just said I would know... instead of wondering...
smackie9 Posted June 28, 2020 Posted June 28, 2020 Nah, when you meet his friends...... one of them is going to let slip you look just like her.
Azincourt Posted June 28, 2020 Posted June 28, 2020 10 hours ago, Julie96 said: Ok so I’m seeing this guy, we’ve been speaking for a few months now. We met on an online dating site. Before the country went into lockdown, we met twice. Then we spoke every day during lockdown and not just small talk. We got to know each other so well, well as best as you can through chatting online, and we have great banter and are so similar in personality. Since the restrictions have lifted we’ve met twice more, sharing our first kiss on date 4. He’s so down to earth and seems really into me. It’s going really well. I have however, done what girls stereotypically tend to do... (don’t want to offend anyone I’m not saying guys don’t do this but I’ve heard more about girls doing so) and had a bit of a social media nosey into his ex. To my discovery... she looks a LOT like me. Same hairstyle, hair colour, fashion sense not a million miles away... The only major difference is she wears pretty distinctive glasses whereas I where none.. and we were joking around yesterday about something through messages and he said I need glasses so I sent him a photo of me with a glasses filter... to which he replied saying “you suit glasses... much cuter” which could be innocent flirty compliments... (when I replied with a jokey comment he did say “Nah you’re cute enough the way you are) but alarm bells started ringing as I already look like his ex without the glasses, and the fact he likes me with glasses makes it seem further like I look like her! I get that people have “types” so maybe we’re just both the type of person he tends to gravitate towards... but I can’t help feeling he likes me because I look like his ex, rather than being attracted to me as an individual, separate person. We clearly click through messages as well as in person so it’s not like he literally only feels happiness when we see each other as I remind him of her, but I don’t want our relationship to stem from him only being interested in me because I look like his ex.. I mean if her ex had looked totally different would he have even given me a second glance? I’m known for my uniqueness, not for being a clone of someone! I want to add as well that he has never mentioned his ex, apart from a passing comment on the first date when I asked who he shared a flat with before he sold it and he replied “an ex” and that’s all that was ever mentioned of her. So should I be worried? Am I essentially a rebound, a direct replacement filling someone else’s shoes... or am I overthinking it completely and I should accept it’s just his “type” and move on? Every woman I date looks the same as the last one. I have a type. Doesn't mean I'm fixating on an ex. I just like women who look like that. The guy you're talking about is probably the same way. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2020 Posted June 28, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Julie96 said: I never said I would LIKE it, I just said I would know... instead of wondering... Why would it be important for you to know this, though? For what it's worth, most people are probably going to err on the side of caution and discretion and not randomly tell their current love interest that they look like their ex. That would be awkward and potentially create issues where there really aren't any. I don't think it's something you should consider a negative against this guy, so I hope that you don't. Edited June 28, 2020 by ExpatInItaly
poppyfields Posted June 28, 2020 Posted June 28, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, ShyViolet said: YOU sent him a picture of yourself in glasses..... why would you do that? Because HE told her she needed glasses. So she sent him the pic. When I read that, I kinda felt something was up, that he was looking for his ex's clone or something. Glad he came back with "you're cute enough the way you are," but it would still bother me. Edited June 28, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author Julie96 Posted June 28, 2020 Author Posted June 28, 2020 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Why would it be important for you to know this, though? Because like I say I don’t want him to only like me because I look like his ex, I want him to like me for me and not as a clone to fill his ex’s shoes, maybe some people would be totally ok with being compared to/ reminded of the previous girl but I wouldn’t. Anyway I was only asking originally if I should be concerned or not or if I should accept it’s his type and move on, it’s not like I’m sitting pining over it it was just asking a simple question
poppyfields Posted June 28, 2020 Posted June 28, 2020 Julie, typically I would not be concerned, but the fact his ex resembles you and wears glasses, and he told you that you need glasses, would be a red flag for me. I don't think I would dump him over it, but I might mention it, when the timing feels right. Try to not assume anything either way - that you're simply his physical type or he's looking for his ex's clone because he still has feeling for her. At some point, you will have to discuss your concerns, not in an accusatory way, but in a calm respectful manner that encourages open and honest disclosure about your feelings and what you both want. 1
Realitysux Posted June 28, 2020 Posted June 28, 2020 5 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Julie, typically I would not be concerned, but the fact his ex resembles you and wears glasses, and he told you that you need glasses, would be a red flag for me. I don't think I would dump him over it, but I might mention it, when the timing feels right. Try to not assume anything either way - that you're simply his physical type or he's looking for his ex's clone because he still has feeling for her. At some point, you will have to discuss your concerns, not in an accusatory way, but in a calm respectful manner that encourages open and honest disclosure about your feelings and what you both want. Why wouldn't you dump him over this?
poppyfields Posted June 28, 2020 Posted June 28, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Realitysux said: Why wouldn't you dump him over this? I don't dump boyfriends over an assumption or a suspicion. I talk about it, communicate. Just me. Edited June 29, 2020 by poppyfields 2
Fresh_Start Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: I don't dump boyfriends over an assumption or a suspicion. I talk about it, communicate. Just me. I got dumped over assumptions and suspicions. In an email.
regine_phalange Posted June 29, 2020 Posted June 29, 2020 (edited) I would be super jealous! But maybe he just likes women with your hairstyle and with glasses since always, and it has nothing to do with you or his ex. If he has never asked you to change things in your personality I would let this slide (for now). Edited June 29, 2020 by regine_phalange
Interstellar Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 (edited) this is why I got rid of facebook . I don’t want anyone doing advance reconnaissance on me, haha...i know them ladies are natural detectives or like a spy for the cia and they will still try to find things about you. relationships come natural to them. they got two, three, four, etc....facebook accounts that you don’t know about in case you block their main account or to verify that you’re not really on facebook. or they type your full name and research your “posts”, haha I love it, it shows they’re intrigued by you. it’s all in good fun though. I don’t have a problem with it, hate the game not the player and all that. Edited July 1, 2020 by Interstellar
mortensorchid Posted July 2, 2020 Posted July 2, 2020 Most people have a "type". It's not uncommon that someone goes for a certain physical type of person. Look at famous people : Leonardo DiCaprio's love life is full of statuesque willowly blonde Victoria's Secret Angels / Barbie dolls. Should he meet me (tall, willowly brunette average woman), chances are he won't be interested in me because I don't fit the mold. Granted, he has his choice of the most beautiful women on earth rather than average women, but that's his type. I have seen people repeat the same person over and over again, you're not alone.
Recommended Posts