I look like his ex!

[Julie96]

Ok so I’m seeing this guy, we’ve been speaking for a few months now. We met on an online dating site. Before the country went into lockdown, we met twice. Then we spoke every day during lockdown and not just small talk. We got to know each other so well, well as best as you can through chatting online, and we have great banter and are so similar in personality. Since the restrictions have lifted we’ve met twice more, sharing our first kiss on date 4. He’s so down to earth and seems really into me. It’s going really well. 

I have however, done what girls stereotypically tend to do... (don’t want to offend anyone I’m not saying guys don’t do this but I’ve heard more about girls doing so) and had a bit of a social media nosey into his ex. To my discovery... she looks a LOT like me. Same hairstyle, hair colour, fashion sense not a million miles away... The only major difference is she wears pretty distinctive glasses whereas I where none.. and we were joking around yesterday about something through messages and he said I need glasses so I sent him a photo of me with a glasses filter... to which he replied saying “you suit glasses... much cuter” which could be innocent flirty compliments... (when I replied with a jokey comment he did say “Nah you’re cute enough the way you are) but alarm bells started ringing as I already look like his ex without the glasses, and the fact he likes me with glasses makes it seem further like I look like her! 
I get that people have “types” so maybe we’re just both the type of person he tends to gravitate towards... but I can’t help feeling he likes me because I look like his ex, rather than being attracted to me as an individual, separate person. We clearly click through messages as well as in person so it’s not like he literally only feels happiness when we see each other as I remind him of her, but I don’t want our relationship to stem from him only being interested in me because I look like his ex.. I mean if her ex had looked totally different would he have even given me a second glance? I’m known for my uniqueness, not for being a clone of someone! 

I want to add as well that he has never mentioned his ex, apart from a passing comment on the first date when I asked who he shared a flat with before he sold it and he replied “an ex” and that’s all that was ever mentioned of her. So should I be worried? Am I essentially a rebound, a direct replacement filling someone else’s shoes... or am I overthinking it completely and I should accept it’s just his “type” and move on? 

[Giovane]

Hello,

difficult to say wether you're overthinking this.

On the hand, I think people should be forgiven for having a certain "type" of person that they're into, many of us are probably "guilty".

On the other hand, I can see why you're uneasy now.

Are there any other hints that he compares you with her or would like to change you so you become more like her?

I wouldn't bring the glasses thing up again, and see if he does. If he does and you can't shake it off, you might tell him how your discovery and the glasses talk made you feel (in a non-confrontational kind of way) and see what he has to say about that.

Edited June 28, 2020 by Giovane
Spelling

[ExpatInItaly]

I think your letting your insecurities get ahead of you. 

Yes, he probably has a type. Many of us do, without even realizing it. I wouldn't stress too much over this, unless you get some tangible indication that he's not over her. Definitely do not tell him you've looked her up on social media unless you want to make yourself look nuts. I think he was only trying to compliment you with his glasses comment and reassure you that you'd look good with glasses as well. 

But a couple questions for clarification: how did you figure out who she was if he's only referred to her as an ex and not by name? Do you know how long ago they split up?

Edited June 28, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Blind-Sided]

You are overthinking.  STOP IT before you mess up something that could be good.   

The second side of this is... some people really find it wrong to check them out on social media.  I don't know why... it's all public info.  It's not like you are hacking their computer, or snooping through their phone.  This is all out there... that THEY POSTED to a public space.   But none the less, if they are that type... it could be bad.  I personally do it... and I personally don't care who looks into my FB account. 

So... don't get upset about something that you went out and looked for !!!!!!!!  it's not like he said... "You look a lot like my ex." 

[Amanda141]

I don't think you should be alarmed. As you underlined, we all have types: all the boys I've been attracted to are very similar to one another lol

For now he seems genuine, don't overthink it  

[Roswell91]

2 hours ago, Julie96 said:

Ok so I’m seeing this guy, we’ve been speaking for a few months now. We met on an online dating site. Before the country went into lockdown, we met twice. Then we spoke every day during lockdown and not just small talk. We got to know each other so well, well as best as you can through chatting online, and we have great banter and are so similar in personality. Since the restrictions have lifted we’ve met twice more, sharing our first kiss on date 4. He’s so down to earth and seems really into me. It’s going really well. 

I have however, done what girls stereotypically tend to do... (don’t want to offend anyone I’m not saying guys don’t do this but I’ve heard more about girls doing so) and had a bit of a social media nosey into his ex. To my discovery... she looks a LOT like me. Same hairstyle, hair colour, fashion sense not a million miles away... The only major difference is she wears pretty distinctive glasses whereas I where none.. and we were joking around yesterday about something through messages and he said I need glasses so I sent him a photo of me with a glasses filter... to which he replied saying “you suit glasses... much cuter” which could be innocent flirty compliments... (when I replied with a jokey comment he did say “Nah you’re cute enough the way you are) but alarm bells started ringing as I already look like his ex without the glasses, and the fact he likes me with glasses makes it seem further like I look like her! 
I get that people have “types” so maybe we’re just both the type of person he tends to gravitate towards... but I can’t help feeling he likes me because I look like his ex, rather than being attracted to me as an individual, separate person. We clearly click through messages as well as in person so it’s not like he literally only feels happiness when we see each other as I remind him of her, but I don’t want our relationship to stem from him only being interested in me because I look like his ex.. I mean if her ex had looked totally different would he have even given me a second glance? I’m known for my uniqueness, not for being a clone of someone! 

I want to add as well that he has never mentioned his ex, apart from a passing comment on the first date when I asked who he shared a flat with before he sold it and he replied “an ex” and that’s all that was ever mentioned of her. So should I be worried? Am I essentially a rebound, a direct replacement filling someone else’s shoes... or am I overthinking it completely and I should accept it’s just his “type” and move on? 

Yeah dont  read too much into it for now. 

Im guessing he just has a type and thats it.

[Versacehottie]

Yeah he probably has a type but I don't think it's the worst thing.  For one, you aren't that far along so don't overthink it.  IMO, guys have physical type preference more than girls do (though they also have this thing of "threshold" of what is attractive to them and meeting that threshold is an entrance point, ok I digress with that part).  Being real, though it may be made of of factors other than looks, but not necessarily more noble, women have types all the time too.

Ok, 100% agree that you want to be seen as an individual. First step, don't get any d*mn glasses lol.  Not cause of any general reason (and no offense to those who have glasses) but in all honesty, if he had said that comment even if you didn't know what the ex gf looked like, a person has to stand their ground of who they are anyway.  The "much cuter" part of the comment would have really bothered me.  A little insensitive and clueless of him.  And if he really feels that way, it's a fatal mistake to "change" for him in these sorts of outward appearances ways. Girl, even if you are banging into doors and have to pull out a magnifying glass to read your texts, don't get the glasses haha!!!  You will get "more" in the long run by being your own person, with or without him!  And he will appreciate you more if you stand your ground (without bringing it up again but if he does you can softly tease back about liking yourself better without, holding onto your status quo, as you did.  I'm well aware that you probably didn't plan to change anything about yourself or your optical situation to suit him but I also think it's important to reiterate and encourage you to be yourself without apologies--because it flies in the face of overthinking it or feeling under appreciated as an individual.  You can confirm your individually in an unspoken way & it's super important  

Maybe it was a misstep on his part.  Time will tell.  Try to let it go for now with keeping a slight ear open if he says other things like this.  Less so about attachment to ex-gf but more so about the insensitivity or if he was serious with that comment.

Lastly, I would highly recommend to not keep going to social media to figure out additional clues about who she was.  Reason being, if you do, you will always slightly feel like she got to be something before you were; had this trait or that trait and that it will influence you to swing wildly away from who you actually are because you don't want to be seen as the 2nd her or to prove something to him or yourself; and to constantly overthink it and have her on your mind and in your relationship.  Also often in the surface ways like are shown on social media, you might have more in common with her because lots of people do and actually are similar and it will chip away at your self confidence. The initial "research" on her was enough.  Now use your own intuition and gut to figure out you and him.  I think it's such a shame when an otherwise promising relationship has a 3rd person or ghost of ex-girlfriend in it.  So don't do that.  Good luck;  

ps. I think some guys also just have a type imprint.  Like maybe she fit his generic ideal, so it's not her per se but "girls with glasses" (which some guys definitely like and maybe the ex gf just fit that; meaning she met his imprint which he is comparing you to not necessarily her) 

pss. I have dealt with this before and stood my ground to express who I am in a very unashamed way.  It's the way to go 100%!!!  I was dating a guy who definitely mentioned a few times that he loved a certain style (of clothing) which is pretty far on the spectrum away from how I dress.  Even more annoying was that I love clothes (& have been known as very stylish, sorry this is just for the story not to say anything about myself).  I don't think he meant anything bad by it but in a way, at a certain point it can chip away at the very things you are proud of and that others recognize you for.  The guy I was dating could have been thinking about some ex-gf specifically or I actually am pretty sure it was just a general thing of the way he saw his life and how his gf "possession" should look.  I stood my ground and teased him back.  I promise you stand your ground.  It will pay off in the way it was meant to.  

Edited June 28, 2020 by Versacehottie

[d0nnivain]

He has a type.  He doesn't like you because you look like his EX.  You are not a replacement for her.  He just finds your type attractive.  

If you put pictures of all the men I have ever dated in a row, you'd think I dated a family reunion.  They do have other commonalities -- wicked senses of humor & great intelligence -- but that is because I like & value those traits.  It's not because I can't tell the difference or that I wish the new one was the old one. 

[Mystery4u]

You are way overthinking this. You are just his type that he goes for.

I could say all my exes look 'similar' as I only go for the exotic long dark haired foreign language speaking beauties. Any other type and I'm not interested.

[preraph]

I've seen both men and women do this over and over again.  I myself have done it.  It has something to do with types but it also has something to do with being drawn to someone who looks like someone you still have feelings for.  One of my exes, who was married at the time, at a reunion gig 20 years later, I walked in and he had gotten himself an assistant that looked and walked so much like me (and nothing like his wife) that I just knew -- and THEN, he introduced me, and SHE said, "Hi, I'm the new you."  So he'd actually talked to her about it. 

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, preraph said:

It has something to do with types but it also has something to do with being drawn to someone who looks like someone you still have feelings for. 

I agree.

There are "types" and there are doppelgangers.
Types are fine, most are attracted to a type, but doppelgangers are a problem.
Here he has got himself a doppelganger.
How long has he been split up from his ex?
I guess not long enough.
 

[preraph]

One of the weirdest things I ever saw, this young woman who worked for me had overly bleached straw-like hair but was overall found attractive by men.  Nothing extreme about her body.  Just kind of average, really, except for the damaged hair.  She had a steady boyfriend as long as I knew her or heard about her (the guy who I replaced talked about her, had a crush on her).  Then her and her bf, who was cute, broke up.  It wasn't a week until I thought I saw her and him from behind at the grocery store and I started walking up behind them when the girl turned her head a little and I could see it wasn't my employee at all but a very bad reproduction.  From a distance, looked just like her, way she dressed, damaged bleached hair, same.  Up close,  in the face, the replacement looked like a crackhead, etc.  But the hair and body, I'm sure when her ex was drunk, he just pretended it was still her.  Sad.  

[ShyViolet]

This is silly.  He never said anything about you looking like his ex.... maybe he doesn't even think you look like her.  Looks are subjective.  You are reading way too into this and looking for things to be insecure about when there are none.  YOU sent him a picture of yourself in glasses..... why would you do that?  Are you trying to give him the idea that you look like his ex or something?  Take a step back and stop overthinking this.

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

He never said anything about you looking like his ex....

He didn't have to, the OP saw for herself...

6 hours ago, Julie96 said:

To my discovery... she looks a LOT like me. Same hairstyle, hair colour, fashion sense not a million miles away... The only major difference is she wears pretty distinctive glasses whereas I wear none..

 

[Julie96]

5 hours ago, Giovane said:

 

Are there any other hints that he compares you with her or would like to change you so you become more like her?

Not that I know of! None that are this direct anyway, thank you for your comment  

[Julie96]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think your letting your insecurities get ahead of you. 

Yes, he probably has a type. Many of us do, without even realizing it. I wouldn't stress too much over this, unless you get some tangible indication that he's not over her. Definitely do not tell him you've looked her up on social media unless you want to make yourself look nuts. I think he was only trying to compliment you with his glasses comment and reassure you that you'd look good with glasses as well. 

But a couple questions for clarification: how did you figure out who she was if he's only referred to her as an ex and not by name? Do you know how long ago they split up?

I did a bit of scrolling back through his Facebook, admittedly to find out more about him as a person rather than to deliberately stalk his ex, but he’d tagged her in a “check in” type post so I clicked on her and right enough she has photos of the two of them together as a couple. Regarding how long ago they broke up, they were together July 2019... other than that there is no Facebook evidence of the two of them but he liked one of her pics around September time however there’s no clear evidence. They aren’t friends on Facebook now. Thanks for your comment   

[Julie96]

4 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

You are overthinking.  STOP IT before you mess up something that could be good.   

The second side of this is... some people really find it wrong to check them out on social media.  I don't know why... it's all public info.  It's not like you are hacking their computer, or snooping through their phone.  This is all out there... that THEY POSTED to a public space.   But none the less, if they are that type... it could be bad.  I personally do it... and I personally don't care who looks into my FB account. 

So... don't get upset about something that you went out and looked for !!!!!!!!  it's not like he said... "You look a lot like my ex." 

I would never admit to checking him up on social media, nor would I continue to do so if we get serious, but with it being online dating specifically I felt I should see what type of person he was and as I mentioned, the situation with his ex   regarding not getting upset about something I went out and looked for, I get what you mean, however it’s not like I’m getting jealous or upset seeing them together.. kissing, cuddling, whatever, as yes I agree it would be my own fault for looking voluntarily, but whilst I probably am overthinking which you and a lot of others have pointed out, I do think it’s justified to be a bit concerned at something where he could be using me to replace her, something that could potentially involve me rather than getting jealous about his past if that make sense? Thanks for your comment  

[Julie96]

2 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Yeah he probably has a type but I don't think it's the worst thing.  For one, you aren't that far along so don't overthink it.  IMO, guys have physical type preference more than girls do (though they also have this thing of "threshold" of what is attractive to them and meeting that threshold is an entrance point, ok I digress with that part).  Being real, though it may be made of of factors other than looks, but not necessarily more noble, women have types all the time too.

Ok, 100% agree that you want to be seen as an individual. First step, don't get any d*mn glasses lol.  Not cause of any general reason (and no offense to those who have glasses) but in all honesty, if he had said that comment even if you didn't know what the ex gf looked like, a person has to stand their ground of who they are anyway.  The "much cuter" part of the comment would have really bothered me.  A little insensitive and clueless of him.  And if he really feels that way, it's a fatal mistake to "change" for him in these sorts of outward appearances ways. Girl, even if you are banging into doors and have to pull out a magnifying glass to read your texts, don't get the glasses haha!!!  You will get "more" in the long run by being your own person, with or without him!  And he will appreciate you more if you stand your ground (without bringing it up again but if he does you can softly tease back about liking yourself better without, holding onto your status quo, as you did.  I'm well aware that you probably didn't plan to change anything about yourself or your optical situation to suit him but I also think it's important to reiterate and encourage you to be yourself without apologies--because it flies in the face of overthinking it or feeling under appreciated as an individual.  You can confirm your individually in an unspoken way & it's super important  

Maybe it was a misstep on his part.  Time will tell.  Try to let it go for now with keeping a slight ear open if he says other things like this.  Less so about attachment to ex-gf but more so about the insensitivity or if he was serious with that comment.

Lastly, I would highly recommend to not keep going to social media to figure out additional clues about who she was.  Reason being, if you do, you will always slightly feel like she got to be something before you were; had this trait or that trait and that it will influence you to swing wildly away from who you actually are because you don't want to be seen as the 2nd her or to prove something to him or yourself; and to constantly overthink it and have her on your mind and in your relationship.  Also often in the surface ways like are shown on social media, you might have more in common with her because lots of people do and actually are similar and it will chip away at your self confidence. The initial "research" on her was enough.  Now use your own intuition and gut to figure out you and him.  I think it's such a shame when an otherwise promising relationship has a 3rd person or ghost of ex-girlfriend in it.  So don't do that.  Good luck;  

ps. I think some guys also just have a type imprint.  Like maybe she fit his generic ideal, so it's not her per se but "girls with glasses" (which some guys definitely like and maybe the ex gf just fit that; meaning she met his imprint which he is comparing you to not necessarily her) 

pss. I have dealt with this before and stood my ground to express who I am in a very unashamed way.  It's the way to go 100%!!!  I was dating a guy who definitely mentioned a few times that he loved a certain style (of clothing) which is pretty far on the spectrum away from how I dress.  Even more annoying was that I love clothes (& have been known as very stylish, sorry this is just for the story not to say anything about myself).  I don't think he meant anything bad by it but in a way, at a certain point it can chip away at the very things you are proud of and that others recognize you for.  The guy I was dating could have been thinking about some ex-gf specifically or I actually am pretty sure it was just a general thing of the way he saw his life and how his gf "possession" should look.  I stood my ground and teased him back.  I promise you stand your ground.  It will pay off in the way it was meant to.  

Wow thank you so much for taking the time to give such a lengthy response, I really appreciate that  

[Julie96]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

I've seen both men and women do this over and over again.  I myself have done it.  It has something to do with types but it also has something to do with being drawn to someone who looks like someone you still have feelings for.  One of my exes, who was married at the time, at a reunion gig 20 years later, I walked in and he had gotten himself an assistant that looked and walked so much like me (and nothing like his wife) that I just knew -- and THEN, he introduced me, and SHE said, "Hi, I'm the new you."  So he'd actually talked to her about it. 

That’s crazy! Thank you for sharing

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, Julie96 said:

 but whilst I probably am overthinking which you and a lot of others have pointed out, I do think it’s justified to be a bit concerned at something where he could be using me to replace her

But you currently have zero real reason to believe that's what's happening here. It's something you've cooked up in your own mind, so your jealousy supports a narrative that - thus far - has no basis in reality. 

[Julie96]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

I agree.

There are "types" and there are doppelgangers.
Types are fine, most are attracted to a type, but doppelgangers are a problem.
Here he has got himself a doppelganger.
How long has he been split up from his ex?
I guess not long enough.
 

I’m not entirely sure how long ago they broke up, there was photos put up of them together last July, but I can’t say for sure how long it lasted after that. Thanks for your comment  

[Julie96]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But you currently have zero real reason to believe that's what's happening here. It's something you've cooked up in your own mind, so your jealousy supports a narrative that - thus far - has no basis in reality. 

It’s a concern, not jealousy, like I say  and the fact we look so alike and he said I look better with glasses which was the only thing we didn’t have in common looks wise shows that even if I’m overthinking things It’s not like I had ‘zero real reason to believe this’ I’d say if he falls for someone who looks so similar, and likes me with a feature that was the only thing that made us look different, I’d say that IS a reason, Like I say thanks for your comment and I know now I probably am overthinking the situation, but I stand by the point it was a valid concern to have  

[Julie96]

36 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

This is silly.  He never said anything about you looking like his ex.... maybe he doesn't even think you look like her.  Looks are subjective.  You are reading way too into this and looking for things to be insecure about when there are none.  YOU sent him a picture of yourself in glasses..... why would you do that?  Are you trying to give him the idea that you look like his ex or something?  Take a step back and stop overthinking this.

Thanks for your comment. Firstly... people should be allowed to come on here and express their concerns without being told that their concern is “silly”. 
Secondly... you’re right! He never said I looked like his ex.. hence why I’m concerned... if he’d told me outright I’d know, and not have my suspicions would I? And like someone else picked up on, I found out for myself... Thirdly, if you are going to leave a comment please read my query properly to save me having to repeat myself  I didn’t send a pic of me with glasses in  needy “here’s me in glasses so you like me better” sort of way... we made a joke and he told me I need glasses, so I sent him a pic with the glasses filter, like I mentioned. THEN he said I was cuter with glasses and I remembered his ex. And why would you think I did it to look like his ex? Once again if you’d read my post properly you’d see that that’s the whole point! I DON’T want to be like his ex as I’m a unique person and DON’T want to be a clone of someone else.. so why would I try and make myself look like her deliberately? So I appreciate you commenting and if you were trying to help then thanks, however I saw this as more of a dig than a help.. saying it’s silly, implying I’m being needy and making me repeat myself due to you making points that you would have answered yourself if you had read my post properly and not just taken what you wanted from it  

[Julie96]

42 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He didn't have to, the OP saw for herself...

 

Exactly, glad you can see this too! Thanks for your help  

[preraph]

It might be subconscious on his part.  I would just say keep your guard up.  There are people who just transfer their feelings over to the next relationship and get in too deep too fast because of it and then they get to know each other and it falls apart and both are thinking the other "changed."