Bummer!

[Giovane]

Maaaaaaan... when you're really into a girl, and you think she just might like you back the same, and then you're out together but you just don't get the vibe, it feels like she just wants you as a friend... that sucks, right? Really sucks!

I'm not asking for advice really, all I'm doing is letting off some steam.

[Hopeful30]

Do you feel this way because she is not reciprocating your interest? Or because things aren't unfolding the way you'd hoped?

[CaliforniaGirl]

I'm really sorry. Yeah, that is really disappointing.

[Giovane]

6 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

Do you feel this way because she is not reciprocating your interest? Or because things aren't unfolding the way you'd hoped?

I’m not really sure I understand your question, as in, the two options here look more or less the same to me…

I’ve known this girl, I’ll call her Tamara, for almost a year, because we share a hobby. She’s the kind of girl that’s easy to get a crush on, because a) she’s beautiful and b) she’s generally friendly, communicative and open-minded, is never rude to anyone, and tends to smile a lot – some of which can easily be misinterpreted as signals of interest when you interact with her. Once you get onto that “wishful thinking” track, I guess you only see what you want to see.

Anyway, we went out together last night, to a mutual-hobby-related gathering, just the two of us for the first time (before, there had always been other friends around) – and I don’t want to over-analyse body language or things she said, but I just didn’t feel the “flirty” vibe as much as I thought there had been in previous interactions and as much as I hoped there could be.

I tried to initiate physical contact from time to time, touched her hand, her arm or the small of her back, which she let happen, but she generally didn’t reciprocate or “acknowledge” this much. I didn’t feel encouraged to keep it up or intensify.

I tried to keep a lot of eye contact, and I saw a friendly reply, but no “hungry eyes”.

She didn’t really ask me a lot of questions about myself, whereas I’ve been asking her a lot, to the point where it’s beginning to feel “transparent” and silly to me.

When I suggested a little walk along a scenic part of the city (popular, green hang-out spot for party people and also for couples, but not too secluded or isolated), she declined and wanted to stay in the hobby-event area.

I didn’t quite feel like the best version of myself, more intimidated than I thought I would be. One problem I didn’t anticipate and which only occurred to me later: since I had hardly had any interaction with other people the whole day, I hadn’t really used my voice before we met in the evening. Consequently, I think, my voice was rather weak, and when I spoke, I’m sure it didn’t sound as loud and clear as she’s used to. I might have sounded insecure.

Overall, it was alright and fun enough, I managed to make her laugh two or three times (would have liked to achieve more of that), but it just didn’t feel like two people flirting, we kept more distance than I would have hoped.

My “match plan” had been to make her realize I want more. I gave some signals, and I’m certain she recognized them for what they are, because Tamara is clever, but to me it didn’t feel like she was reciprocating much. I was hoping for some kind of touch, or look, or remark, that would tell me to keep going, but I didn’t think there was one. In that way, it didn’t unfold the way I had hoped.

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, Giovane said:

One problem I didn’t anticipate and which only occurred to me later: since I had hardly had any interaction with other people the whole day, I hadn’t really used my voice before we met in the evening. Consequently, I think, my voice was rather weak, and when I spoke, I’m sure it didn’t sound as loud and clear as she’s used to. I might have sounded insecure.

Dude, you're totally over-thinking this point. I promise you that we ladies don't think, "my, what an insecure-sounding voice he has today!" She probably didn't even notice this. 

However, I agree that she doesn't sound overly interested in being more than friends. Her declining to take a walk with you was your signal, as well as the fact that she didn't reciprocate any light flirting. I think you're correctly assessing that you need to let this be. 

It's disappointing, yes, but you tried. 

[Roswell91]

1 hour ago, Giovane said:

I’m not really sure I understand your question, as in, the two options here look more or less the same to me…

I’ve known this girl, I’ll call her Tamara, for almost a year, because we share a hobby. She’s the kind of girl that’s easy to get a crush on, because a) she’s beautiful and b) she’s generally friendly, communicative and open-minded, is never rude to anyone, and tends to smile a lot – some of which can easily be misinterpreted as signals of interest when you interact with her. Once you get onto that “wishful thinking” track, I guess you only see what you want to see.

Anyway, we went out together last night, to a mutual-hobby-related gathering, just the two of us for the first time (before, there had always been other friends around) – and I don’t want to over-analyse body language or things she said, but I just didn’t feel the “flirty” vibe as much as I thought there had been in previous interactions and as much as I hoped there could be.

I tried to initiate physical contact from time to time, touched her hand, her arm or the small of her back, which she let happen, but she generally didn’t reciprocate or “acknowledge” this much. I didn’t feel encouraged to keep it up or intensify.

I tried to keep a lot of eye contact, and I saw a friendly reply, but no “hungry eyes”.

She didn’t really ask me a lot of questions about myself, whereas I’ve been asking her a lot, to the point where it’s beginning to feel “transparent” and silly to me.

When I suggested a little walk along a scenic part of the city (popular, green hang-out spot for party people and also for couples, but not too secluded or isolated), she declined and wanted to stay in the hobby-event area.

I didn’t quite feel like the best version of myself, more intimidated than I thought I would be. One problem I didn’t anticipate and which only occurred to me later: since I had hardly had any interaction with other people the whole day, I hadn’t really used my voice before we met in the evening. Consequently, I think, my voice was rather weak, and when I spoke, I’m sure it didn’t sound as loud and clear as she’s used to. I might have sounded insecure.

Overall, it was alright and fun enough, I managed to make her laugh two or three times (would have liked to achieve more of that), but it just didn’t feel like two people flirting, we kept more distance than I would have hoped.

My “match plan” had been to make her realize I want more. I gave some signals, and I’m certain she recognized them for what they are, because Tamara is clever, but to me it didn’t feel like she was reciprocating much. I was hoping for some kind of touch, or look, or remark, that would tell me to keep going, but I didn’t think there was one. In that way, it didn’t unfold the way I had hoped.

Contrary to what the other poster said. Voices are analysed. I've done it before and can easily tell when a man is nervous by the pitch and how quickly they talk for example. 

When you suggested to go to the greener scenic area and she  declined, i think that kind of says it all. She doesn't want to be alone with you, in a more romantic setting. 

 

 

[Giovane]

Thanks for the replies!

As for the voice thing: I think that even if people don't actively analyse a voice, it's something that works subconsciously, making you sound either "manly" (i.e. attractive) or "boyish" (i.e. less attractive). 

[ExpatInItaly]

56 minutes ago, Giovane said:

As for the voice thing: I think that even if people don't actively analyse a voice, it's something that works subconsciously, making you sound either "manly" (i.e. attractive) or "boyish" (i.e. less attractive). 

If someone already knows what your voice sounds like, they are probably going to assume that you had a scratchy throat, OP. Not that you are "boyish" or "weak." You are worried about something that is largely irrelevant to the overall picture. 

And so what if she realized you were nervous? If she likes you, it wouldn't be as big of a problem as you believe. 

 

[Blind-Sided]

I don't think it sucks.  It's great to have friends!!!  Especially female friends. Once you have a few of them that do like you, and know who you are... then they will want to set you up with their single friends. 

Not every meeting turns into a relationship.  Once you learn that... you will be happier. 

[Giovane]

7 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

I don't think it sucks.  It's great to have friends!!!  Especially female friends. Once you have a few of them that do like you, and know who you are... then they will want to set you up with their single friends. 

Not every meeting turns into a relationship.  Once you learn that... you will be happier. 

Thanks for trying to help.

know that not every meeting turns into a relationship, and I have no shortage of female friends either. I'm a social person, do not spend too much time at home and have enough opportunities to get to know new people too. 

Hence, the possibility of her widening my social circle is little consolation when I have a crush on her that's still fresh and strong. Don't sleep much, don't eat much, think about her most of the time and can't really concentrate on work - I don't fall in love like that all that often. (The last time I was that crazy about a woman was four years ago!) I know it's not healthy, it can't last and will eventually fade, but right now I'm still on a sort of "high" and getting "down" does suck.

I don't need her to be my friend in order to get to know other women, and as obsessed as I am with her at the moment, I'd rather not be her friend than be a friend who one day might have to watch her kiss another guy.

I'm not in need or in the mood for any sort of "consolation prize", so being kept at a distance is still a bummer.

I will be happier not once I learn that women have friends who might be single (I knew that), but once I get over my current frustration. Part of my process of getting myself over it is expressing how I'm feeling at this very moment.

Edited June 28, 2020 by Giovane

[Giovane]

I can't help myself, can I?

I met T. again on Monday, as I was going to, because it was a pre-scheduled event (with other people present). She seemed happy, was very nice and kind of implied said outright that she would like to go out again this weekend, so I sent her an invitation. Maybe I phrased my invitation a bit too enthusiastically (I'm not going to repeat it here). Now she has me waiting for a reply... 24 hours already. I'm trying to keep my cool now, and my mind tries to find excuses, give her the benefit of the doubt (maybe she's shy, busy, doesn't want to seem too eager, was abducted by aliens, whatever...), but my gut tells me I'm being played. It doesn't feel good.

I like to think I can see my infatuation for what it is, and I know I should just move on, forget about her, make other plans etc. It's what I would write if somebody else described this situation here on this forum. But it's not easy for me to shake it off (yet).

I thought about giving Bumble or Tinder a shot to distract myself, but I also feel like it's not a good idea until I've managed to screw my head back on right. I wonder if I would actually be ready for dating another woman, say, next week, if a chance were to present itself, or if I would secretly still be thinking about T. half of the time. That doesn't seem like the right mind set.

[smackie9]

The trick is not to care. You expect attention? guys who act a little goofy, are fun, and tease, are the guys girls can be attracted to, because that makes you a little mysterious. It's not typical to do that...it's called pea-cocking. You don't want to be the sappy, leering, creepy guy awaiting for a signal, and pull back when things don't go your way. You may as well shoot yourself in the foot. The more relaxed and fun you are, the more likely they will want to be around you.

Edited July 2, 2020 by smackie9

[Roswell91]

38 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

The trick is not to care. You expect attention? guys who act a little goofy, are fun, and tease, are the guys girls can be attracted to, because that makes you a little mysterious. It's not typical to do that...it's called pea-cocking. You don't want to be the sappy, leering, creepy guy awaiting for a signal, and pull back when things don't go your way. You may as well shoot yourself in the foot. The more relaxed and fun you are, the more likely they will want to be around you.

This is true but she has to be attracted to him in the first place.

I dont know of any females who would make a man wait  24 hours before replying to a message. 

[Roswell91]

4 hours ago, Giovane said:

I can't help myself, can I?

I met T. again on Monday, as I was going to, because it was a pre-scheduled event (with other people present). She seemed happy, was very nice and kind of implied said outright that she would like to go out again this weekend, so I sent her an invitation. Maybe I phrased my invitation a bit too enthusiastically (I'm not going to repeat it here). Now she has me waiting for a reply... 24 hours already. I'm trying to keep my cool now, and my mind tries to find excuses, give her the benefit of the doubt (maybe she's shy, busy, doesn't want to seem too eager, was abducted by aliens, whatever...), but my gut tells me I'm being played. It doesn't feel good.

I like to think I can see my infatuation for what it is, and I know I should just move on, forget about her, make other plans etc. It's what I would write if somebody else described this situation here on this forum. But it's not easy for me to shake it off (yet).

I thought about giving Bumble or Tinder a shot to distract myself, but I also feel like it's not a good idea until I've managed to screw my head back on right. I wonder if I would actually be ready for dating another woman, say, next week, if a chance were to present itself, or if I would secretly still be thinking about T. half of the time. That doesn't seem like the right mind set.

I have a feeling this woman isn't interested in you. 

Only from what you've written here. 

 

Edited July 2, 2020 by Roswell91

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Giovane said:

Maybe I phrased my invitation a bit too enthusiastically (I'm not going to repeat it here). Now she has me waiting for a reply... 24 hours already.

Can you give us the gist of what you said, and what you invited her to do?

[Giovane]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Can you give us the gist of what you said, and what you invited her to do?

I wrote that I enjoyed Saturday (which, if you read my initial post, isn't entirely true...) and I invited her to another mutual-hobby-related activity, possibly to be followed by a drink at a bar. I tend to agree with smackie9's theory that "guys who act a little goofy, are fun, and tease, are the guys girls can be attracted to", so I included a little tease about something silly she said the last time out and a joke (nothing sexual or otherwise inappropriate) about what we could discuss at the bar. Because it was late when I sent it, I wished her good night at the end.

Sometimes texts will read differently in another person's head (tonally) than they do in your own head when you write them, so I included one winky-face emoji to try and make sure the invitation comes across as light-hearted. I don't want to overdo emojis.

Edited July 2, 2020 by Giovane

[ExpatInItaly]

I think what you wrote to her was fine. 

If she's doesn't bother responding, I would cut your losses and not make any other plans with her. 

[Giovane]

So... update!

She did reply eventually. Apparently her parents had a huge fight, and she was on the phone with her mother, then with her father, trying to understand or mediate. Naturally, she had no mind for hobby activities at the weekend, and she said that's why it took her so long to respond.

Of course I told her it's fine and that I hope for the best.

I have no reason whatsoever to assume she might be lying about something like that, and to my mind, it's a valid excuse. I can't be mad at her, instead, I feel sorry. I don't feel hopeful regarding the development of our relationship, but it does  take the sting out of my disappointment a little bit.

I'm going to hang back, leave her alone, see what happens and I'll try to occupy my mind with other things. No Tinder or Bumble either.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree, no reason to be mad at her. 

But I would turn your attention to other options.  This one is too lukewarm for things to really progress.