do you sense right away when you meet your longterm person?

[Hopeful30]

I often hear longterm couples say "I felt a connection right away" or "I felt good with/about him from the beginning."

For those of you in committed longterm relationships, was this also the case for you? Did you feel right away that this could go the distance? 

I've been dating the past few months, and my initial gut feeling has never steered me wrong. So far, there is one guy that I feel could *possibly* be a long term partner, however I'm not sure if this is a genuine sense, or wishful thinking.

Edited June 27, 2020 by Hopeful30

[HighHopes87]

I think that as a society were guilty of romanticising 'love at first sight' and 'just knowing' and 'the one'. In reality I dont think you know straight away If someone is a long term partner. I think that the connection is an important indicator of potential. It all takes time.

It takes a few things to align in order for a relationship to 'go the distance'. The connection is important but also things like shared interests , life goals , hobbies , sexual and emotional compatibility. Ive dated girls that I thought were 'long term' potential and they ended abruptly and I actually had a bit of a wobbly start with an ex girlfriend who I ended up being with for seven years.  

Try not to put pressure on yourself and force situations. Just go with the flow. 

[d0nnivain]

Quote

 

My mother always told me I'd just Know. When I met my EX it was like a bolt of lightening shot through my body.  I thought whoa I just met my future husband.  We lived together for 10 years.  I put up with a lot of garbage that I should have walked away from years earlier because I thought this was meant to be so I should be able to get past a few bumps.  What a crock. 

When I met my husband I was instantly in lust with him.  He's drop dead gorgeous.  I assumed (wrongly) that he was a Player with a capital P & I was so up for that. Unlike many women I love players because they give good date & I wanted a whirlwind romance.    I wanted nothing serious but a whole lotta fun.  Boy did I get that wrong. lol   I still get the fun but obviously we're serious & even with a PUA guru at his side DH has no clue about how to be a player.  I call him Mr. No-Mance because he's so unromantic.  

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

I often hear longterm couples say "I felt a connection right away" or "I felt good with/about him from the beginning."

For those of you in committed longterm relationships, was this also the case for you? Did you feel right away that this could go the distance? 

I've been dating the past few months, and my initial gut feeling has never steered me wrong. So far, there is one guy that I feel could *possibly* be a long term partner, however I'm not sure if this is a genuine sense, or wishful thinking.

 

It’s rare to get that  kind of connection on an initial meet in random meeting. In my life it has happened maybe 2 times in my life. A few other times I knew the person like at school or work but we didn’t really have any conversation  so one the first real conversation we  had had a connection.

you have to remrmber meeting peop,e through a dating site is different because you are both looking to date someone and you have talked and know something about each other.

even in the pre online dating world usually one knew something about the other or had seen them before because they might have had common friends. It wasn’t totally random.

 

when you meet someone online now if the first date isn’t scary you really should have a second date,  many have passed over solid potential people had they met the old way a relationship would have developed but now they are quick to find faults and think the grass is greener elsewhere.

 

in online world I had good first dates that didn’t turn into second dates for various reasons...if we had met the old way they may have been something .

[MJJean]

It's happened once in my life. I saw his face and just..knew. Love at first sight stuff. 20 years later he's watching YouTube videos on the couch behind me while I putz around on the interwebs.

[Ami1uwant]

Sometimes in random meets you might have a connection but one is already in a relationship.

[Emilie Jolie]

3 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

For those of you in committed longterm relationships, was this also the case for you? Did you feel right away that this could go the distance?

Not right away, but soon after meeting, yes. I see not point in pursuing a relationship unless you are at least hopeful it'll be long-term. It doesn't always follow obviously, or we'd all still be with our first loves, but I do think you need to see potential sooner rather than later.

[chillii]

lt's not society romanticizing , although it might be where you live . Elders have said it for thousands of yrs it comes up in all kinds of literature . More like for those societies , especially with media overload these days, many have completely lost their senses , it's all over the internet you can see so many people just don't understand anything to do with the real senses anymore. So in their society saying stuff like this is like some new mystical thing to them but it's not. That and realizing that it doesn't actually happen for that many people , so they just don't know how it can be, they've never had it.

But it's as old as old as time you can know instantly no doubt about it.But that's for a lucky some l also say it doesn't necessarily have to happen that way. The longest newer marriage  l know of , without talking about parents or gp and stuff, is a couple that married when l was a kid they've been married nearly 40yrs and have outlasted everyone. Well it wasn't like that for them , they knew each other yrs first , funny really  they were more a convenience l'd say , yet they lasted. My dad on the other hand saw mum in the bank and knew instantly he;d marry her, they were married nearly 60yrs.  My brother and his w were like that too and 35yrs and to this day they're still lit up like a torch around each other. But for op , what your talking about isn't that , it's the wishful thinking or you would've known. Doesn't mean your wrong , could be of the slow variety , but it sounds more like clutching at straws .

Edited June 28, 2020 by chillii

[basil67]

I felt good with my husband from the beginning.  But I also knew that I was in the middle of a rush of hormones and adrenaline and didn't start to look too far ahead until we'd hit about the six month mark.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Not exactly. I say this because I've felt an instant connection with several guys but the relationships didn't always pan out. So the yes part is about feeling a connection early on, but the no part is that it isn't 100% reliable, at least for me.

[Ellener]

I just have a good feeling about some men, but the timing isn't always right to follow up on the connection!

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 hours ago, MJJean said:

It's happened once in my life. I saw his face and just..knew. Love at first sight stuff. 20 years later he's watching YouTube videos on the couch behind me while I putz around on the interwebs.

OMG

[homecoming]

I felt intense 'chemistry' with my last partner but have since learnt that for me, that intense feeling is a warning that the person is wrong for me in some way. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, homecoming said:

I felt intense 'chemistry' with my last partner but have since learnt that for me, that intense feeling is a warning that the person is wrong for me in some way. 

It's good that you learned that. 

For me I always had to have that initial spark -- lust, limerence, sex appeal, something.  That never happened for me over time.  The passion had to be there from 1st laying eyes on someone.  That has always been my corner stone.  If the sense of humor, intelligence, good moral character -- all the deep lasting stuff -- didn't evidence over a few dates I just ended things because you need those to have a successful sustainable relationship.  But I leaned the hard way to stop even going on 1st dates with men who didn't float my boat because I just ended up hurting them, giving them false hope, awkwardly having to slither out from giving a kiss goodnight & then having to find the words to say no thanks I don't want to see you again, ever.   As I matured, I learned it was easier to be honest up front & just not go on the date at all -- no time or money wasted.   

[BaileyB]

Yes, I knew fairly early that there was something special about this man. I wouldn’t say I knew he was “the one,” but I knew that we had a lot in common and I enjoyed being in his company. I would say, I felt both excited to be with him and also very comfortable with him. That, to me, was a good sign.

[Grey40]

I agree with everyone here that you can tell within 2-3 dates whether you “click” or have that chemistry. I’ve made the mistake of being too patient sometimes thinking it would “develop” or “get better” and it usually doesn’t. I guess there are extreme rare cases where the person starts to open up and you begin to feel it more...but it’s usually pretty noticeable right away. 
 

As far as long term goes though, there’s just no real indicators of that. I think there so many factors that have to fall into place, which is why it’s not as easy as it appears. Interests, hobbies, intellectual and emotional/sexual chemistry, values, getting along with family and timing (which I think is the most important factor).
 

I’ve met women who were literally a perfect match for me but at the wrong time...they were moving, or got into grad school in a different state or were in a relationship, just got fresh out of a relationship etc. If I had met any of these women literally a few months/days later or earlier, things could have worked. 

[central]

22 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

I often hear longterm couples say "I felt a connection right away" or "I felt good with/about him from the beginning."

For those of you in committed longterm relationships, was this also the case for you? Did you feel right away that this could go the distance? 

I've been dating the past few months, and my initial gut feeling has never steered me wrong. So far, there is one guy that I feel could *possibly* be a long term partner, however I'm not sure if this is a genuine sense, or wishful thinking.

Many people experience this.  Initially, it is only infatuation, no matter why they think or feel - yes, it is a connection, but does not necessarily mean anything lasting will result.  Only time and experience can transform this infatuation into love and a relationship, and then it seems like it was always love. 

Of course, where a long term relationship results they will remember that initial connection and see it as a "sign."  Where a relationship fails to develop, you don't hear about that initial connection, do you?  So, this "connection" is nonsense, but seems like more than infatuation only in retrospect from a successful progression.

[Hopeful30]

1 hour ago, central said:

Many people experience this.  Initially, it is only infatuation, no matter why they think or feel - yes, it is a connection, but does not necessarily mean anything lasting will result.  Only time and experience can transform this infatuation into love and a relationship, and then it seems like it was always love. 

Of course, where a long term relationship results they will remember that initial connection and see it as a "sign."  Where a relationship fails to develop, you don't hear about that initial connection, do you?  So, this "connection" is nonsense, but seems like more than infatuation only in retrospect from a successful progression.

From my personal experience, the connection that was established in the beginning never changed (by this I mean chemistry, how we get along, how we feel about each other, etc.). It either grew from that or not, much like how you described about relationships either developing or not. So I suppose the initial connection needs to be there, otherwise it doesn't develop  

With my exes, I knew instinctively within the first few dates that anything that develops would not last, and I was right every time. However, I have yet to sense the opposite (that what develops can go longterm), so I was wondering if it works both ways.

[poppyfields]

F. Scott Peck wrote in his book "The Road Less Traveled" that romantic love, that "falling in love" feeling, is a sort of a temporary insanity. 

And yes I have felt that instantaneous feeling of infatuation, adrenaline rush, chemistry, energy, a few times in my life, including with my current bf.  

And yes it IS quite insane.  It's also exciting and a heck of a lot of fun,  but one shouldn't base the outcome of their relationship on that imo.  

Scott Peck went on to write, that once the temp insanity subsides (some call it the honeymoon stage), and you still love your partner, with all their quirks and foibles, that is when "true love" begins and the chances for it lasting long term increase exponentially!  

Edited June 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[central]

27 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

With my exes, I knew instinctively within the first few dates that anything that develops would not last, and I was right every time. However, I have yet to sense the opposite (that what develops can go longterm), so I was wondering if it works both ways.

I agree.  I could almost always tell quickly that something wouldn't last or wasn't worth pursuing.  I did feel a great connection with a few women - only one of those worked out long term, confirming that initial feeling.  As for the rest, well, it was a false connection.

[Hopeful30]

5 minutes ago, central said:

I agree.  I could almost always tell quickly that something wouldn't last or wasn't worth pursuing.  I did feel a great connection with a few women - only one of those worked out long term, confirming that initial feeling.  As for the rest, well, it was a false connection.

I don't believe in false connections. Perhaps they were genuine connections, but not for longterm relationship (like short term connections or sexual connections and nothing more, for example.)

[central]

18 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

I don't believe in false connections. Perhaps they were genuine connections, but not for longterm relationship (like short term connections or sexual connections and nothing more, for example.)

They were false in that they did not work out for long term, and your original post was about long term relationships, not short term or sexual connections.  I responded to what you originally asked, not your revised definition.

[Foxhall]

I did feel hopeful on our first date nearly a year ago now, I sensed something different about her personality,

that being said my confidence with meeting woman was at a low point when I met her and afterwards she told me how that came across on her first date,

our second date which was walking on a beach went better in the sense of it being more relaxed, I was much better in that setting than in the coffee date in the cafe one.

I can relate to a lot of the male posters here who struggle, who appear to have endless dates going nowhere,

I think this girl helped me find a spark again, thats how you know perhaps.

[Lotsgoingon]

Even when it feels right with someone, that's just the start of things. You still have to evaluate at each stage of the relationship. So no, I don't trust my first impressions. Now, I use first reactions are as key information ... like do I want to see this person again? Do I enjoy their energy? ... 

Feeling serious chemistry, for me, is just information telling me to go to the next step. I've learned the hard way--these strong initial feelings aren't really more accurate than that--than an as indicator to go out again. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 6/27/2020 at 5:09 PM, chillii said:

lt's not society romanticizing , although it might be where you live . Elders have said it for thousands of yrs it comes up in all kinds of literature . More like for those societies , especially with media overload these days, many have completely lost their senses , it's all over the internet you can see so many people just don't understand anything to do with the real senses anymore. So in their society saying stuff like this is like some new mystical thing to them but it's not. That and realizing that it doesn't actually happen for that many people , so they just don't know how it can be, they've never had it.

But it's as old as old as time you can know instantly no doubt about it.But that's for a lucky some l also say it doesn't necessarily have to happen that way. The longest newer marriage  l know of , without talking about parents or gp and stuff, is a couple that married when l was a kid they've been married nearly 40yrs and have outlasted everyone. Well it wasn't like that for them , they knew each other yrs first , funny really  they were more a convenience l'd say , yet they lasted. My dad on the other hand saw mum in the bank and knew instantly he;d marry her, they were married nearly 60yrs.  My brother and his w were like that too and 35yrs and to this day they're still lit up like a torch around each other. But for op , what your talking about isn't that , it's the wishful thinking or you would've known. Doesn't mean your wrong , could be of the slow variety , but it sounds more like clutching at straws .

There are a lot of theories about this. One is that we can detect a scent of "similar to me and therefore familiar, but not TOO close [i.e. a close relative]." Another is that we see and hear elements that collectively speak to the subconscious of familiarity - these can even be a certain posture or walking gait, rhythm of speech, etc. 

This is a "thing" and some scientists are fascinated with it. It actually is fascinating, IMO.