otra vez Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 Hi all. I was seeing someone for just under a year. Started off great, I mean the first 6 or 7 months were the typical fairytale romance, everything went great and we were just so into each other and had so much fun. I didn't realise what was happening at the time but I started to subconsciously push her away. I became cold, lost interest in sex, and was just kind of sleep walking through life for a while. I started drinking too much, especially when lockdown came about, and I was just generally unhappy with myself, I even put some weight on. Eventually she had enough of this. She tried to talk to me a couple of times but I was unable to express myself as to what the problem was, I didn't really know at the time. So about 6 weeks ago she told me she can't do it any more and that we were finished. Well this felt like a real kick in the ass and I immediately regretted my behaviour and wanted to reconcile. She did not want to try again and she was convinced I wasn't really into her and that I was pushing her away and had started to be a little difficult at times. I can't really argue with any of this. I did try to explain to her over the next couple of weeks what was happening, how I had let myself go and let myself get down and seemed to have lost interest in everything. We had to meet for me to get some of my stuff, so I went to her place, we were both calm and it was all ok. I then asked afterwards if we could meet to talk and she agreed. This was 3 weeks after splitting. I explained to her how I can let negativity get the better of me and that I realise I had pushed her away and that I think it was some kind of self defence mechanism. I told her I'm getting therapy and doing all I am to get better. She was glad to hear this, and said this is something I should be doing for myself and not for her. Which is true. I was spurred on by the breakup to get my sh*t together but I am doing it for myself really. I have gotten in really good shape, I'm jogging every morning and I haven't looked this good in years. The therapy is going well, I'm meditating, reading self help books, getting into my hobbies that I had neglected and doing all I can to live differently and more positively. I asked the last time if we met if we could meet in a few weeks, that I wanted her and for us to have a life together, but she said that it takes more than a few weeks to fix these things, more like months. We hugged and said goodbye and she texted after to say she was glad we met. Anyway... I'm doing good, I feel and look great, I haven't been drinking, I've been working out a lot, doing all the things you're supposed to do, and I haven't contacted her since. I just had a long email typed out going over again where I went wrong and then thankfully decided not to send it. I guess I'm looking for advise on what I should do here. Just leave things be? I guess I'm worried she thinks I was never really into her, and that I've forgotten about her. I really was into her I just lost the run of myself. I shouldn't contact her right? I just have to accept it's over? I just needed to write this down and I'd love some outside advice, as I don't really have anyone to talk to at the moment. Thanks for reading folks. p.s. I'm 39 and she's 36, so we're not exactly kids!
Datergirl Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 How long has it been since you last saw her? As she said it takes a few months, not weeks, to turn things around. If I were her, I would be doubting a person could make a lasting change that quickly, she may see it as just a quick fix to get her back. How can anyone really know what she's thinking? You could send the email and see what she says? Be prepared for it to go either way though. I guess you'll never know if you don't send it.
gamon Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 If you're going to send anything, make it short and simple. Something to the effect of "Hey, how are you doing I was thinking about you". Not one of those multipage spill your guts and profess your undying love. That won't get you anywhere.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 5 hours ago, otra vez said: I guess I'm looking for advise on what I should do here. Just leave things be? I guess I'm worried she thinks I was never really into her, and that I've forgotten about her. I really was into her I just lost the run of myself. That you've forgotten about her, or are you worried that she has forgotten about you? If it's genuinely the former, then I hate to tell you that your worry comes too late. She isn't looking for reassurance now that you liked her. It sounds as though she tried, and when she didn't get much reaction from you, she lost interest. It's hard to be on the sidelines of someone's life and maintain interest in that person; I speak from personal experience. I don't think she has any hard feelings, to be clear, but rather that she doesn't really have the right feelings to want to try anymore. I would not send her the heartfelt email. She will reach out if she decides she wants to see how you are and if there might be something to rekindle. 1
Author otra vez Posted June 27, 2020 Author Posted June 27, 2020 Thank for you all the replies. Expat - I suppose part of me is worried that the fact I haven't contacted her in 3 weeks makes me worry she thinks I've moved on. But at the same time I know there's nothing worse than sending emails right after breakup wanting to meet etc and being needy and so forth. She's a strong no nonsense hard working person, so I'm pretty sure she doesn't harbour any aspirations for us when I think about it, but I know she goes a bit weak at the knees for me when we're together. I guess I just f*cked myself over for a few months, no not months, years even, decades, I wasn't treating myself very well. I've no problem getting women I am successful and good looking and funny and all those things but for some reason when I'm in a relationship with women I think I have deep rooted programming that tells me I'm not good enough or I'm not attractive and I push women away until they leave me, trying to fulfil my prophecy. So I'm trying to get to the root of this now and finally I see the patterns I've been following and am determined to break them. I just wish I didn't have to lose her in all this. But yeah, I'm thinking a bit clearer now. I think the best thing I can do is just try and work on myself and sort my life out. I need to be happy and ambitious and positive on my own I think. For the first time in my life I have to get serious about this and I think I am already. It just hurts so much that I lost her over my own stupid behaviour. I am having trouble living with that.
HighHopes87 Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 Hey OP Oh boy do I know exactly how you're feeling. I see this from both sides. I understand that we can all get into a 'rut' from time to time and its hard to invest in someone else when you've totally lost yourself. Its been a weird year for everyone , it sounds like you may have been depressed. On the other hand its also very difficult being the person that's getting 'pushed away' it does horrible things to your self esteem and its hard being neglected and not getting the support you need from your partner. Also your relationship hit that bump in the road pretty early on - so I can see why shes not full of confidence that real changes have been made. Great advice by @gamon resist the urge to send 15 paragraphs of absolute card shop cheese. If you really want to reach out , keep it simple and if its right for you then she'll return but in the meantime carry on with the self improvement and be kind to yourself. Good luck pal.
Author otra vez Posted June 27, 2020 Author Posted June 27, 2020 (edited) Thanks Highhopes. It doesn't help with covid yeah. I found myself having beer and weed every night for a couple of months and it just made me a bit s***ty to try and organise things with and whatnot. So she wasn't dealing with the easiest person. There's a great highly functioning loving person inside me somewhere, I just seem to let it go to s*** when I get the girl I want. I've gotten my s*** together now, it didn't take many changes, just to get back to my healthy routines that I seem to stick to when I'm single anyway. Now I'm back playing piano I'm going back to university at night come September, I'm already really fit, running every morning and working out, six pack developing, all that superficial nonsense! No I'm doing my best not to mail her, but I do sometimes want to pour my heart out to her, but it'll probably just make her think I'm an even bigger eejit. f***ing ugh. Edited June 27, 2020 by otra vez
ArcticNights Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 I think most of us have suffered during lockdown in one way or another. She’s probably thinking that every time you suffer with any stress you’ll become distant and she doesn’t want this.
Author otra vez Posted June 28, 2020 Author Posted June 28, 2020 I know. I am just finding it difficult not to emailing her explaining myself as things become clearer. When does this urge leave you? It's very hard to let go of someone that I thought so much of, and incredibly frustrating that I didn't realise what I was doing at the time by wrecking everything.
Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 28, 2020 Posted June 28, 2020 I think that if she wants to get back with you then she will get in touch with you. I know it's so hard and really difficult, but you just never know what may happen. Keep positive dude.
Author otra vez Posted June 28, 2020 Author Posted June 28, 2020 There's no way she'll get in touch with me, she's too strong and stubborn. It will have to be me, I'm the one who let her down and I'm the one who made her think I didn't want her and didn't love her. So there's no way she'll come chasing after me. I feel like I should just get in touch so she can reject me again and then hopefully I'll give up on the idea. I don't know what to do.
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