Handed in notice on our flat without properly discussing with partner.

[Oscar1993]

Me and my partner haven't got along very well in a long time. We have hideous arguments, he has a horrible temper and will throw things, break things, call me every name under the sun. I've wanted to leave for a little while but due to everything going on with COVID, I haven't been able to.

Yesterday was the final straw for me. He came in drunk, started yelling at me, despite that I tried to get him up for work etc but he wouldn't. And then when he did eventually wake proceeded to tell me why didn't I try harder to wake him up, why was I such a sour faced cow, an evil bitch. I was so hurt especially as all I'd done when he had come in was try and get him in to bed yet he'd been so rude to me. I told him I was done. And in that moment I emailed our estate agent and told them I was handing in the notice.

A couple of hours later he called me apologising, but I told him I was still going. When he got home I told him I'd put the notice in on the flat and he was fuming (understandably I suppose). I have a few options where I can go but really he does not. I now feel guilty that I didn't discuss it with him before hand, it isn't fair that I've taken his home from him without consulting him first but I know if we sat down to discuss it, he would never agree.

I can't be here with him anymore. I'm jumpy, the slightest loud noise literally makes me jump out of my skin and I believe that is because of him. He intimidates me and I cannot discuss anything regarding our relationship with him because anytime I do, I am accused of just trying to cause an argument. I'm scared to tell my family, they love him and would never believe the other side he has to him. They will be angry too that I've just done it. Please can anyone offer any advise?

I obviously wasn't thinking rationally when I emailed the estate agents because I was upset, but I know I need out of this situation. I am the lead tennant on our agreement and they've already said he cannot stay as he doesn't meet the affordability requirements. I don't want to leave with my name still on the lease as I'll be liable for any damage or rent he doesn't pay.

Edited June 27, 2020 by Oscar1993
paras

[basil67]

Oscar, you've done exactly the right thing.  Your emotional and physical safety trumps all other concerns.   As it sounds like you might be battling some PTSD - and yes, it can happen to people who are in abusive relationships.   You may see your quick decision as irrational, but I think it was your self preservation kicking in and the anger you felt at the time gave you the power to act on what you needed to do.

Do not feel the slightest bit guilty about the situation your ex now finds himself in - it's nothing more than consequences for his own behaviour.  If he's mad at you for doing this, do not apologise for your decision.  And don't try to justify it to him.  Just tell him coldly that what's done is done and he will have to sort out somewhere to live.  If he cannot find somewhere, it is not your problem.  If he complains to you or is upset, turn away from him.

What is the history with your family which makes you think that they will be angry at you?  Do you think they will believe you're lying?  

Biggest question at this point is whether you're safe.  When are you able to leave?

Edited June 27, 2020 by basil67

[schlumpy]

Very often taking action will solidify your thoughts and that's what happened to you.

Be watchful that he doesn't try to use your family against you.

He may thank you one day once he's a different place but for now your only choice is to save yourself.

[d0nnivain]

You did the right thing.  If you want out, you properly cancelled your lease.  If he doesn't meet the minimum financial requirements to stay you certainly can't leave your name on the lease.  He's an adult.  He'll figure it out.  

[kendahke]

He is a grown man.

You are not his mother.

He will figure it out and get on with his life.

You keep going in the direction you're going--which is away from him. 

You are not obligated to be his punching bag, emotionally, verbally or physically.

He means you no good.

Quote

I'm scared to tell my family, they love him and would never believe the other side he has to him.

Then it's time for you to video/audio record some evidence.

Turn on the voice recorder of your phone the next time he tries acting stupid with you--don't let him know you did it--and record him so that you can play it for your family when they want to act like you're lying about him.

If they still want to act like you're obligated to stay and take his abuse, then it's time for you to cut ties with your family and any friends who think this way and get yourself a more supportive group of people in your life.

Edited June 28, 2020 by kendahke