In love with a friend, dating a guy, what do I do?

[Julie96]

Ok.. so how to condense my physically and mentally draining situation into a nutshell!... I have no idea where to start. I am absolutely 100% madly in love with my best friend, we'll call him James. It is all one sided. Classic case of the friend zone. I've felt that way for nearly 4 years so its far from a passing crush. James and I do EVERYTHING together. He's my holiday buddy, person I hang out with the most, he always comes over (well before Corona took over) we speak for HOURS on the phone etc. We pretty much act like a couple apart from affection and intimacy (though we have slept together over a year ago but he assured me it was as friends with benefits and he called it off soon after saying it shouldn't have happened). He sees it as a brother and sister relationship but needless to say I want more and it KILLS me. James knows how I feel about him, took me 2 and a half years to confess as I was determined not to tell him so as not to ruin our friendship as I knew he didn't feel the same. I told him because it was ripping me apart keeping that secret from him, my mental health has taken a real beating because of it, I saw a psychologist a while back and she helped me with my emotions but was not trained directly in relationships. The situation is so messed up and absolutely tortures me. It is soul crushing feeling the way I do for it to be one sided and living in fear of the day he gets a girlfriend. 

I imagine the most 'easy' advice that onlookers will give is to break away, distance myself and have some time to myself to hopefully lessen these feelings and for my own mental health. This sounds good in theory but cutting ties with him would cause me just as much grief as not only would I lose him id lose my holiday buddy, my weekend away buddy, the person who I do everything with. I've tried to have breaks before and its a classic case of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" rather than distance doing us some good. During lockdown I've been coping fine not seeing him, but we have phoned as good as every day since... as previously mentioned our calls usually last for hours. The only way I will ever get over him is wait for him to get a girlfriend in which case I'd HAVE to cut ties as there's no way I could possibly stay friends if that happened. The thought of him getting with someone kills me and would just about finish me. Furthermore I know it's not healthy living in fear, constantly building myself up for when that happens. The only other way I could get over him is if I was to find someone myself. Which brings me onto the next part of my messed up situation (sigh)

It goes without saying I find it very hard to show interest in other guys while I feel this way about James. I have never been in a proper relationship. Before James I sort of wafted through life not really being interested in anyone, guys at school were arrogant so and so's, and since then my college class and profession have both been very much female orientated. I am not one for going home with people after just meeting them at a club etc and I have never been a fan of online dating. I do look occasionally on tinder just to at least look at other guys as I know myself that my situation is not healthy. I've spoken to some nice people but my heart just wasn't in it and I have bailed on so many occasions if we've arranged to meet (which I feel terrible about as I am not one to mess people around) I did go on a date with someone to force myself to do so but all I could think about was James. Recently, however, I was half heartedly browsing through tinder and I came across someone... let's call him Peter. We matched and got speaking straight away. Peter is an amazing guy.. so down to earth, hilarious, such similar interests and personality to me. I found myself wanting to speak to him rather than it being an effort. We arranged to meet and I felt comfortable doing so. We met twice before lockdown and messaged each other every day during lockdown. The messages were far from small talk... We learnt so much about each other and had nothing but great banter. I feel he could be my key to getting over James, but I do not want to use him to help me get over someone else and I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I genuinely like Peter, it's not like I AM using him, he's an amazing guy, and I do want to make it work, but I don't know if I'm going into it with the right intentions, is it terrible to do so when I'm still madly in love with James? All through lockdown I was contemplating whether or not I was doing the right thing. Sometimes, I felt really up for it, other times I had major doubts. I knew there was only so far the situation could go until we could meet up again though.

Now restrictions have lifted Peter and I have met twice more. I've been up for seeing him and both times went well. It is obvious he really likes me. I feel that this is the point I have to act. The situation is driving me in sane. I really want to make it work with Peter. We get each other and if things work out it could be really good. I feel that things are moving fast though and I want to take it slowly. I am constantly roiled with guilt though because of the whole James situation and I think Peter is more keen than me. Even though I want it to work my heart is not 100% in it and I am not as committed as I want to be... because of James. So my long winded life rant basically comes down to one question. Should I continue to make it work with Peter, risking him getting more attached than me and to possibly end up hurting him, but give myself and the relationship a chance? Or should I cut ties just now given the fact I don't feel 100% committed so as not to string him along, and feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.... but risk stopping the chance of a potentially great relationship... and go back to being 100% destined to James? Any advice, or even stories of people in a similar situation would be much appreciated! I apologise for the many paragraphs!

 

Edited June 26, 2020 by Julie96

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Are you sure this isn't just lust? How old are you all?

It seems to me that he likes you and that you like him. I think you should break it off with Peter and get with the other guy.

Edited June 26, 2020 by Hollywood-Tourist

[smackie9]

I suggest you work moving on with dating multiple guys until you finally get him out of your system. Just let Peter know your situation, and only want something casual because you are not emotionally there yet.

 

Edited June 26, 2020 by smackie9

[Mystery4u]

You need to drop James. He is holding you back and you are just letting your short life on this world be wasted on someone who doesn't feel the same about you.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, Julie96 said:

I imagine the most 'easy' advice that onlookers will give is to break away, distance myself and have some time to myself to hopefully lessen these feelings and for my own mental health.

Not "easy" but the only sensible advice.

 

Quote

I've tried to have breaks before and its a classic case of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" rather than distance doing us some good.

Likely because you allow yourself to relapse.  You need to cut ties with James once and for all. Maybe, a long time from now, you can be just friends, but it's clear that time isn't now, and might not ever be.

At this point, James is like a drug.  You like the thrill of contact with him and live for that next fix, while also aware that sometime you are going to have to get clean. The longer you wait, the harder it will be and the more you will pass up good guys with whom you could have a meaningful, mutually satisfying, relationship. 

What would you say to a sister or friend in this situation?  Apply that.

[poppyfields]

30 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

Are you sure this isn't just lust? How old are you all?

It seems to me that he likes you and that you like him. I think you should break it off with Peter and get with the other guy.

If she had a choice, I'm sure she would.  But sadly, she doesn't. 

James made it clear it will never be more than a friendship; sure he likes her but as a friend only. Even after their one and only sexual encounter, after which he told her it shouldn't have happened.  

This isn't lust, this is one person (OP) wanting a romantic relationship and the other (James) wanting a friendship.  

Julie, I agree with Mystery, et al.. You will never move on from this as long as you continue to be "best friends" with him.  Not gonna happen, I'm sorry. 

Edit:  Agree with introverted about James being like a drug, your drug of choice. 

Like any addiction, going cold turkey is the only way to kick it.  

Edited June 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[preraph]

Of course you MUST keep dating other guys, because one of these days, you will fall for one.  James isn't attracted to you enough to want to even keep having sex ,which wouldn't stop a lot of guys, so he's never going to be -- and yes, you are going to have to grieve it and get past it if you ever want to have a chance at being happy down the road.  Your best option is to date until you meet someone you click with and are attracted to and then it will be much easier to put James on the back burner (or get rid of him since your new man won't want you around him most likely).  You need to not be bending these dates' ears about James at all or they will just walk off before anything gets started.  It's your burden to carry.  No one else is going to deal with it, least of all James.  

 

I don't know how old you two are, but unless James is gay, yes, he will end up with a girlfriend or at least dating.  It's inevitable.  At some point, he will have to shove you aside to keep a woman, too.  

 

You need to work on why you still have this great love for a guy who isn't attracted to you and doesn't want you except as a friend.  I mean, the first prerequisite should be that he wants you.  You should be dating as much as possible. At some point when you date, he's likely going to have that "I don't want her but I don't want anyone else to have her" feeling because it's so good for his ego having you around fawning over him.  That props him up and keeps him feeling desirable and builds his confidence, which he will then go use on whatever girl is his type instead of on you.  So don't misinterpret that when the time comes.  It seems to always happen.  It's ego, not love.  

 

You surely must know you and only you have power over your life and emotions.  No one can make you stop loving him.  You have to want to move on and accept reality.  Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

You know you have to distance yourself from James because this relationship is hurting you.  You will do that when you are ready.  For some reason you would rather be stuck & in pain being used by somebody who is not really your friend.  If he did care about you, knowing how you feel & knowing that he doesn't return your affection an honorable person would distance himself from you since you are not strong enough to stay away.  Instead he plays with your emotions & laps up the attention you bestow on him. He gets all of the upsides of a GF but buts in zero effort.  He will continue using you as long as you let him. 

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, Julie96 said:

I imagine the most 'easy' advice that onlookers will give is to break away, distance myself and have some time to myself to hopefully lessen these feelings and for my own mental health. This sounds good in theory but

But nothing.

He's going to find another woman to be his confident and isn't going to think twice when she tells him you've got to be cut loose. You're going to end up right in the place putting distance between you two will place you.  Best you get the emotional work done now and get over it/used to it and move your heart on down the road. The more time you ignore that he doesn't want you like that, the more hurt and devastated you're going to be when he springs his new woman on you.

The tack you're taking is only going to end up hurting yourself in the long run.

If he isn't checking for you as a romantic partner by now, it's not going to happen.

As far as Peter is concerned, ask yourself: would you appreciate a guy treating you like this? A placeholder for someone who's already told him there is no chance of a relationship happening?  Proceed accordingly, but the answer isn't go back to pining your youth away behind James.

Edited June 26, 2020 by kendahke

[Versacehottie]

Yes, you should see Peter.  You will never have all the assurances up front that you won't be hurting him or how it will turn out.  He might like you more--um, a great change of pace IMO (from the James thing).  He could be the love of your life or he could be the help you need to stop focusing on James.  The one thing for sure is James is a dead end.  

It's funny with your concern over wanting to make sure you are not using Peter.  Have you ever considered the fact that in a very distinct way you are being used by James.  Girl, you need to make yourself the star of your own life.  I am actually not worried at all that you are going to hurt Peter.  You are so far over on the spectrum of "nice" that you have sacrificed your own happiness and dating life for it.  It will do you some good to put yourself first for a change.  Just see what exists there with Peter.

The best way to get rid of a bad habit (James) is to replace it.  I personally think you need to replace it with a bunch or at least a handful of good girlfriends and date Peter at the same time. That way whatever happens with him you won't go running back to using James as a crutch in your life.  You have to force yourself to have fun with others. Consider James a season of your life and it was good while it lasted.  Give yourself a real chance.  Good luck

[Roswell91]

2 hours ago, Julie96 said:

Ok.. so how to condense my physically and mentally draining situation into a nutshell!... I have no idea where to start. I am absolutely 100% madly in love with my best friend, we'll call him James. It is all one sided. Classic case of the friend zone. I've felt that way for nearly 4 years so its far from a passing crush. James and I do EVERYTHING together. He's my holiday buddy, person I hang out with the most, he always comes over (well before Corona took over) we speak for HOURS on the phone etc. We pretty much act like a couple apart from affection and intimacy (though we have slept together over a year ago but he assured me it was as friends with benefits and he called it off soon after saying it shouldn't have happened). He sees it as a brother and sister relationship but needless to say I want more and it KILLS me. James knows how I feel about him, took me 2 and a half years to confess as I was determined not to tell him so as not to ruin our friendship as I knew he didn't feel the same. I told him because it was ripping me apart keeping that secret from him, my mental health has taken a real beating because of it, I saw a psychologist a while back and she helped me with my emotions but was not trained directly in relationships. The situation is so messed up and absolutely tortures me. It is soul crushing feeling the way I do for it to be one sided and living in fear of the day he gets a girlfriend. 

I imagine the most 'easy' advice that onlookers will give is to break away, distance myself and have some time to myself to hopefully lessen these feelings and for my own mental health. This sounds good in theory but cutting ties with him would cause me just as much grief as not only would I lose him id lose my holiday buddy, my weekend away buddy, the person who I do everything with. I've tried to have breaks before and its a classic case of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" rather than distance doing us some good. During lockdown I've been coping fine not seeing him, but we have phoned as good as every day since... as previously mentioned our calls usually last for hours. The only way I will ever get over him is wait for him to get a girlfriend in which case I'd HAVE to cut ties as there's no way I could possibly stay friends if that happened. The thought of him getting with someone kills me and would just about finish me. Furthermore I know it's not healthy living in fear, constantly building myself up for when that happens. The only other way I could get over him is if I was to find someone myself. Which brings me onto the next part of my messed up situation (sigh)

It goes without saying I find it very hard to show interest in other guys while I feel this way about James. I have never been in a proper relationship. Before James I sort of wafted through life not really being interested in anyone, guys at school were arrogant so and so's, and since then my college class and profession have both been very much female orientated. I am not one for going home with people after just meeting them at a club etc and I have never been a fan of online dating. I do look occasionally on tinder just to at least look at other guys as I know myself that my situation is not healthy. I've spoken to some nice people but my heart just wasn't in it and I have bailed on so many occasions if we've arranged to meet (which I feel terrible about as I am not one to mess people around) I did go on a date with someone to force myself to do so but all I could think about was James. Recently, however, I was half heartedly browsing through tinder and I came across someone... let's call him Peter. We matched and got speaking straight away. Peter is an amazing guy.. so down to earth, hilarious, such similar interests and personality to me. I found myself wanting to speak to him rather than it being an effort. We arranged to meet and I felt comfortable doing so. We met twice before lockdown and messaged each other every day during lockdown. The messages were far from small talk... We learnt so much about each other and had nothing but great banter. I feel he could be my key to getting over James, but I do not want to use him to help me get over someone else and I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I genuinely like Peter, it's not like I AM using him, he's an amazing guy, and I do want to make it work, but I don't know if I'm going into it with the right intentions, is it terrible to do so when I'm still madly in love with James? All through lockdown I was contemplating whether or not I was doing the right thing. Sometimes, I felt really up for it, other times I had major doubts. I knew there was only so far the situation could go until we could meet up again though.

Now restrictions have lifted Peter and I have met twice more. I've been up for seeing him and both times went well. It is obvious he really likes me. I feel that this is the point I have to act. The situation is driving me in sane. I really want to make it work with Peter. We get each other and if things work out it could be really good. I feel that things are moving fast though and I want to take it slowly. I am constantly roiled with guilt though because of the whole James situation and I think Peter is more keen than me. Even though I want it to work my heart is not 100% in it and I am not as committed as I want to be... because of James. So my long winded life rant basically comes down to one question. Should I continue to make it work with Peter, risking him getting more attached than me and to possibly end up hurting him, but give myself and the relationship a chance? Or should I cut ties just now given the fact I don't feel 100% committed so as not to string him along, and feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.... but risk stopping the chance of a potentially great relationship... and go back to being 100% destined to James? Any advice, or even stories of people in a similar situation would be much appreciated! I apologise for the many paragraphs!

 

Leave Peter and drop James. It isnt fair to string someone along in the hope it may work out and your feelings will just disappear for the other one. 

I think you really need to try and get over James now. As you will inevitably be very hurt once he starts to date others. 

Even though you don't like the idea of having to distance yourself from him it will only make it worse the longer you let it go on. 

 

[Fox Sake]

2 hours ago, Julie96 said:

Ok.. so how to condense my physically and mentally draining situation into a nutshell!... I have no idea where to start. I am absolutely 100% madly in love with my best friend, we'll call him James. It is all one sided. Classic case of the friend zone. I've felt that way for nearly 4 years so its far from a passing crush. James and I do EVERYTHING together. He's my holiday buddy, person I hang out with the most, he always comes over (well before Corona took over) we speak for HOURS on the phone etc. We pretty much act like a couple apart from affection and intimacy (though we have slept together over a year ago but he assured me it was as friends with benefits and he called it off soon after saying it shouldn't have happened). He sees it as a brother and sister relationship but needless to say I want more and it KILLS me. James knows how I feel about him, took me 2 and a half years to confess as I was determined not to tell him so as not to ruin our friendship as I knew he didn't feel the same. I told him because it was ripping me apart keeping that secret from him, my mental health has taken a real beating because of it, I saw a psychologist a while back and she helped me with my emotions but was not trained directly in relationships. The situation is so messed up and absolutely tortures me. It is soul crushing feeling the way I do for it to be one sided and living in fear of the day he gets a girlfriend. 

I imagine the most 'easy' advice that onlookers will give is to break away, distance myself and have some time to myself to hopefully lessen these feelings and for my own mental health. This sounds good in theory but cutting ties with him would cause me just as much grief as not only would I lose him id lose my holiday buddy, my weekend away buddy, the person who I do everything with. I've tried to have breaks before and its a classic case of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" rather than distance doing us some good. During lockdown I've been coping fine not seeing him, but we have phoned as good as every day since... as previously mentioned our calls usually last for hours. The only way I will ever get over him is wait for him to get a girlfriend in which case I'd HAVE to cut ties as there's no way I could possibly stay friends if that happened. The thought of him getting with someone kills me and would just about finish me. Furthermore I know it's not healthy living in fear, constantly building myself up for when that happens. The only other way I could get over him is if I was to find someone myself. Which brings me onto the next part of my messed up situation (sigh)

It goes without saying I find it very hard to show interest in other guys while I feel this way about James. I have never been in a proper relationship. Before James I sort of wafted through life not really being interested in anyone, guys at school were arrogant so and so's, and since then my college class and profession have both been very much female orientated. I am not one for going home with people after just meeting them at a club etc and I have never been a fan of online dating. I do look occasionally on tinder just to at least look at other guys as I know myself that my situation is not healthy. I've spoken to some nice people but my heart just wasn't in it and I have bailed on so many occasions if we've arranged to meet (which I feel terrible about as I am not one to mess people around) I did go on a date with someone to force myself to do so but all I could think about was James. Recently, however, I was half heartedly browsing through tinder and I came across someone... let's call him Peter. We matched and got speaking straight away. Peter is an amazing guy.. so down to earth, hilarious, such similar interests and personality to me. I found myself wanting to speak to him rather than it being an effort. We arranged to meet and I felt comfortable doing so. We met twice before lockdown and messaged each other every day during lockdown. The messages were far from small talk... We learnt so much about each other and had nothing but great banter. I feel he could be my key to getting over James, but I do not want to use him to help me get over someone else and I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I genuinely like Peter, it's not like I AM using him, he's an amazing guy, and I do want to make it work, but I don't know if I'm going into it with the right intentions, is it terrible to do so when I'm still madly in love with James? All through lockdown I was contemplating whether or not I was doing the right thing. Sometimes, I felt really up for it, other times I had major doubts. I knew there was only so far the situation could go until we could meet up again though.

Now restrictions have lifted Peter and I have met twice more. I've been up for seeing him and both times went well. It is obvious he really likes me. I feel that this is the point I have to act. The situation is driving me in sane. I really want to make it work with Peter. We get each other and if things work out it could be really good. I feel that things are moving fast though and I want to take it slowly. I am constantly roiled with guilt though because of the whole James situation and I think Peter is more keen than me. Even though I want it to work my heart is not 100% in it and I am not as committed as I want to be... because of James. So my long winded life rant basically comes down to one question. Should I continue to make it work with Peter, risking him getting more attached than me and to possibly end up hurting him, but give myself and the relationship a chance? Or should I cut ties just now given the fact I don't feel 100% committed so as not to string him along, and feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.... but risk stopping the chance of a potentially great relationship... and go back to being 100% destined to James? Any advice, or even stories of people in a similar situation would be much appreciated! I apologise for the many paragraphs!

 

Firstly , thanks for attempting paragraphing it all! 
 

Aww what a situation for you to be in. I feel for you.
I really only have one thing to say and that that is - if you’re in love with someone else , whether just infatuation or something more ... you should not be dating the guy you are with if he really likes you.  
You should really speak to James about your feelings. The longer you hide everything and bottle it up the worse it will get for your mentality. It’s impossible to say what he will think about it

[Ami1uwant]

Tell James about you dating someone else and see what he does.

[Ellener]

Take a break from your friendship until you can cope with it, maybe a permanent break if you can't though a close friendship is worth saving if it can be a healthy one.

What can you do right now in your life so you don't need a relationship to fulfill it?

You don't have any choices except stay as you are ( he sleeps with his 'sister figure'? ) or be disciplined and move on: either way you won't simply be happy overnight but you'll at least have a shot at it.

Good luck.

[kendahke]

15 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Tell James about you dating someone else and see what he does.

Don't play games.  James will probably be happy for you and relieved that he doesn't have to keep swatting your romantic interest down.

[Versacehottie]

7 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Don't play games.  James will probably be happy for you and relieved that he doesn't have to keep swatting your romantic interest down.

I agree. If it's going to change James interest at all, it won't do it with an announcement.  If it works at all, it will work once he feels the loss of you to others (Peter, other guys, a healthy interest in hanging out with girlfriends, putting yourself first).

James has been pretty stoic for 4 years on not wanting to date you romantically so it's  long shot at best that he would ever change his mind.  Possible but extreme long shot--to the point, that he hasn't "wanted" you makes it something I don't think you should tie yourself up with unless he proves it over time.  Not just a knee jerk reaction from him upon initial loss.  He's getting something from your attention: the ego boost, the feeling of being desired, a best friend who is desperately in love with him so he is bound to have an initial reaction that pertains to that part.  That it could be sustained or would come from a genuine romantic interest is to be seen and quite a long shot.

[Julie96]

Ok so this was my first experience using this site so I'm not sure if you guys will get notified that I am saying this, but if you do I would like to say thank you to each and every one of you, the response I got has been amazing and I have read all your replies in great detail and I really appreciate all your help and advice. I feel for my friends who always get the brunt of my rants about my mentally draining and exhausting situation so it's great to know I can come on here and pour out my worries! 

[d0nnivain]

You're welcome.  I'm glad you found it valuable.  

Hang in there.  

 

[preraph]

The end goal way down the road is to stop caring if he thinks about you, what he thinks about you, and not making any moves in your life, right down to the blouse you purchase, with him in mind.  When the time comes, you will likely need to block him off everything and not go near his social media to get used to it.  

[Calmandfocused]

James will not change his perception of you with the situation as it is. Why? Because his friendship with you is giving him all the perks of a relationship without the emotions and commitment. He probably gets sex from other girls on a casual basis. Win win for James. Why would he need to change anything when all his needs are being met one way or another? 
 

James is stuck. As are you. And this is unhealthy for both of you. You can’t go on like this indefinitely. Your friendship will become toxic as it’s holding both of you back. 
 

In order to get out this hole you need to start breaking your attachment to James. If you can’t bring yourself to date other men yet, spend more time with other friends and your family. Develop hobbies, do whatever but stop letting your life revolve around James. Spend less time with him. 

The more you detach from James, the more emotionally available you will become as time goes on to date others.  

I think the other guy sounds like a good prospect but the point is that you’re not really ready to date him yet. 

[ShyViolet]

You're going to have no choice but to stop seeing and talking to James.  If you don't want to face that now, this will blow up in your face and you'll be forced to face it sooner or later.  He's not interested in you.  He will never love you.  Pining over him is a dead end.  You can either put your life on hold indefinitely and keep torturing yourself with this one-sided relationship, or you can put an end to this now so you can start moving on with your life.

[Miss Spider]

Again with the unrequited love aka friend zone effing someone’s stuff up. James is always going to look better to you. His ice is always going to be colder. His grass is always going to be greener. Because you want what you don’t have and you’re at a distance where you’re not seeing as many of his flaws and your  mind fills in stuff about him with fantasy, which is what oneitis is about. Just face that this friendship is not really a friendship because you are romantically into him. You gotta cut him off

Edited June 27, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[preraph]

Looking back what you'll regret is all the time you wasted on him in the prime of your life.