Hopeless :

[Keykey1]

Hi guys

This is my first time posting on a website so please bear with me!

So I finally decided to sign up to hinge about a month ago and I started talking to this guy. Maybe its because I just came back from a bad date but he seemed refreshing and nice. 

So for the next couple of weeks we would speak everyday via text which led me to believe he is genuinely looking for something other than a hook up due to the questions he asked. We planned to meet up last Sunday but he cancelled - he said something about rain and walking in the park not being ideal - which sound like a reasonable enough excuse but then I felt that familiar dreaded feeling when he didn't bother to message me during the day. Still haven't heard anything back the next day so I messaged him asking if he's ever going to reschedule in a joking way, to which he replied straight away with another day and time - of course i wish I never did now but I'm so impatient (something I need to work harder on). Now this is the bit where perhaps I messed up on so would be grateful for some advice on; our conversations were sexually charged which i must admit is my fault for getting ahead of myself and therefore I was ok with the sexts- but I thought he was different! Fast forward to our planned meet up today and i was anxious at first I must admit, due to him cancelling previously but he sent a good morning text and we were exchanging texts back and forth until he made a comment about coming round instead to which I asked if he's only looking for a hookup - he denied it and asked if I was and I said no to which he responded to very positively but not sure if it was miscommunication or he never had good intentions to begin with but he said it's awkward to meet up after I said it's better to have a convo in person about expectations. I was confused so I said I thought we both wanted to get to know the other better hence why we're meeting up? Well this was his response; 

Me: can you let me know if we're still meeting up? If not so I can make other plans

Him: To be honest I'm not really feeling this. I'm sorry if I have led you on but I guess I'm not as ready to start dating as I thought. I wish you all the best for the future.

He blocked me straight away after sending the message. 

My question is was it too soon for the sexts and is it better to always make my intentions clear from the get go? I always think that's too much too soon but advice on how to approach this in the future is welcomed especially on dating websites. Did you scare him away with my persistence or am I being hard on myself? I know everyone always says the right one is out there but I feel like a deer in headlights when it comes to dating. And how to recognise red flags when they aren't obvious?

I'm sorry this is so long but I want to meet someone decent and genuine without the game playing and dishonesty and therefore I would be grateful for the advice. 

[ExpatInItaly]

32 minutes ago, Keyfey said:

Now this is the bit where perhaps I messed up on so would be grateful for some advice on; our conversations were sexually charged which i must admit is my fault for getting ahead of myself and therefore I was ok with the sexts- but I thought he was different!  

You thought he was different - based on what, precisely? 

I mean that as a sincere question. You have never met this guy so I am curious how you decided he was different. 

For what it's worth, I think it's always a bad idea to sext with someone before meeting them in person. It sends the wrong idea if you are in fact looking for more than casual sex. My guess is he thought he was following your lead with the sexting when he suggested coming over, and was put out when you (understandably) nixed the idea. You were certainly within your rights to kibosh the idea of an at-home first date, but this is why it's not wise to sext with guys before you even get to a first date. 

He may have already been losing interest prior to that, but when he realized you weren't going to get intimate, he bailed altogether. Either way, this isn't your guy. Who knows, maybe he's not even single and got caught by his girlfriend on a dating app. 

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Keyfey said:

My question is was it too soon for the sexts and is it better to always make my intentions clear from the get go?

Yes and always.

Whenever guys start with the sexy talk and sexting before you lay eyes on one another, they're pretty much just looking for a hook up and that's it.

He was taking your temperature with all those questions you thought made him look like a good guy. He was seeing whether or not you're someone who is dtf, so he feels you out to see where your head is at.  The more he learns, the less you fit what he's after. He then tries seeing if he can flip you off that with the first sexual innuendo--you reply positively and he's off to the races--sex with you is on his horizon.  Then, instead of sticking to plans, he wants to come post up at your place and get some tail in the process. When you put the kibosh on that, he ran.

Quote

I said I thought we both wanted to get to know the other better hence why we're meeting up?

He was--he found out you weren't who he built up in his head, so he bailed.

 

1 hour ago, Keyfey said:

I know everyone always says the right one is out there

 I want to meet someone decent and genuine without the game playing and dishonesty

Don't invest your hopes and dreams in anyone before you meet them. What you did was heavily invest in who you thought/built him up /wanted him to be and he wasn't any of that.

And if not being a booty call is your requisite, stand on that and be fine with cutting guys loose/being cut loose if it means you have to violate that in order to have the guy.  That means no sexting with someone whom you've never spent time in their company until after you two have established that you even like one another.

Edited June 25, 2020 by kendahke

[contel3]

This is probably not what you want to hear: until you met someone in person you have to assume they might ghost you for absolutely no reason at any time. Thats just how online dating works. I wouldn't lose any sleep over what you said or didn't say. Just start talking to another guy, your inbox is probably bursting already:)  

[Keykey1]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You thought he was different - based on what, precisely? 

I mean that as a sincere question. You have never met this guy so I am curious how you decided he was different. 

For what it's worth, I think it's always a bad idea to sext with someone before meeting them in person. It sends the wrong idea if you are in fact looking for more than casual sex. My guess is he thought he was following your lead with the sexting when he suggested coming over, and was put out when you (understandably) nixed the idea. You were certainly within your rights to kibosh the idea of an at-home first date, but this is why it's not wise to sext with guys before you even get to a first date. 

He may have already been losing interest prior to that, but when he realized you weren't going to get intimate, he bailed altogether. Either way, this isn't your guy. Who knows, maybe he's not even single and got caught by his girlfriend on a dating app. 

Thanks for the advice. 
I guess based on the questions he asked and his responses. Also we talked everyday I guess ;(.

[Mystery4u]

46 minutes ago, Keykey1 said:

Thanks for the advice. 
I guess based on the questions he asked and his responses. Also we talked everyday I guess ;(.

Talk is cheap, means nothing, us men will spin whatever words we can if it means getting into a woman's knickers, if that's what we are looking for.

Sex talk before even meeting = looking for one thing.

He saw you as a potential bit of fun, NOT a potential wifey.

[Keykey1]

Nice to hear from a guy’s view. So how do I know the difference between a guy looking for just sex and something more if both sound the same? 

[CaliforniaGirl]

Realistically, all he wanted was sex. Everyone wants sex (LOL) but if he was love-bombing you by saying the right things (you mentioned that) plus "sexually charging" the convos and then sexting...well...I mean I just said sex three times, let's put it that way.

But he isn't feeling it enough to actually meet up. So probably he just wanted to get turned on, without really pursuing anything.

Give this guy a hard pass. (ETA: mentally, I mean. I know he already was the one to say you two weren't going anywhere.) I don't think you did anything wrong per se; IOW I don't think the opposite would have been true - that if you had refused to sext, he would have become more interested in something bigger with you. Don't be down on yourself, but if you want more than the old one-two then you will need to keep your ears perked up for signs that your intended is up for the same thing. Everybody eventualy wants sex - well, nearly everybody - BUT if before even meeting, he just keeps leaning you that way, you kind of have your answer right there.

 

Edited June 25, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[scooby-philly]

From another guy's perspective - I agree with the previous posters. When I've been single and not looking for a relationship per se, or more in the mindset of "not expecting to find one soon"... occasionally I could do something very similar. Not necessarily ghosting someone. But if you opened up the sexual door a bit before meeting, his initial impression of you was probably off compared to when you nixed the idea of him coming over. Now...let's not bash guys here because women play games too....but yeah, if you're in the mood for "love" and not "dtf" with just anyone - then keep the sexting to zero, keep the innuendo very low (teasing is okay - a little bit that is), and focus on guys getting to know you as a person who are also interesting in meeting.

[toastytiger]

Yep, I agree that if you’re looking for more than a hook up, no sexting before at least a few dates. 

And with online dating, it’s easy for things to be so flimsy in the beginning before you meet in person. There’s a million reasons why people drop off communication during these early stages. It was nice that he responded back rather than ghosting. No reason to over-analyze or over-invest. Just move on and remember not to sext before meeting.
 

And if you want to know what a guy is looking for, you can just ask. I like to do this in person to get a better sense of things.

[chillii]

 

Yeah , as usual , sexual stuff and you haven't even met yet , l mean why ? Be different if you'd been talking mths and there was really something there but you didn't even sound familiar or knowing each other in the slightest , like total strangers ,wth would you be forcing sexual stuff. But at any rate the answer is pretty clear in he's answer , for whatever reason he just wasn't feeling it. Just leave it at that .

[poppyfields]

He may have thought you were a tease or messin with him (same thing), cause in his mind he's thinking -- why the hell would this chick be cool with our "sexually-charged" messaging and sexting and then when I suggest to come around hers, she turns around and tells me "I thought we both wanted to get to know each other better first"?  

Even I am confused by that, it's a total mixed message!!  And a tease which many guys are totally turned off by.

At least he had the decency to tell you and not ghost which seems standard these days, esp before meeting. 

I don't know who initiated these sexually-charged messages but if you did and are not looking for a hook-up, best to not do that going forward. 

If he did, that would have been the time to tell him you prefer to meet and get to know each other better first.

Who knows, he may have respected that, which might have rendered a totally different outcome here.

Lesson learned.  Sorry. 

Edited June 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Keykey1 said:

So how do I know the difference between a guy looking for just sex and something more if both sound the same? 

I'm not sure you can, really.

For some men, moving to sex quickly will mean they're just interested in that.

Some men will (hypocritically) view a woman who allows sex too quickly as "not wife material."

Some men will, if interested in a "real relationship", spend more time focusing on getting to know the woman, with less emphasis on sex quickly. However, "less emphasis" will mean different things (ie, a different number of dates/length of time before sex) to different men. There's no easy way to know what that expectation is without asking directly, but of course asking THAT is incredibly awkward. So one guy like this might be gone after date 3 or 4; another might be happy to wait until date 6, 7, 8, or 10. Just depends.

All the above said, there are, I believe, plenty of men who are happy to move to sex quickly, e.g. on date 1, but won't hold it against the woman and are happy to give a LTR a shot, even though it went to sex quickly. AND there are some men who go by the "3 date rule", thinking that if they haven't moved to sex by date 3 it won't happen/they are wasting their time, and will move on at that point. These are the types that want to "have sex first and figure everything else out later". This is not incredibly unusual for a male, and doesn't mean they don't want a LTR (some will, some won't).

So there's no one rule. You may be well advised to set your own standards and go by them, with the caveat to not wait TOO long if you really like the guy as you want to attempt to pin him down.

I'm not single and have never done online dating. However, based on feedback I've seen in posts here, it sounds like guys moving to "sexy chat" before you've even met is "too soon" and creepy/a red flag, so there's at least that to warn you about the ones seeking gratification only/primarily.

Edited June 26, 2020 by mark clemson

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, Keykey1 said:

So how do I know the difference between a guy looking for just sex and something more if both sound the same? 

But they both don't sound the same, not at all, not if you're smart and paying attention. 

How you can tell is if/when he starts up with sexually charged messages/sexting before a first meet, you tell him just what you told him - that you'd like to meet and get to know each other first.  

But you tell him this before sexting, not after.

After you tell him, gauge his response.  If he ghosts or starts to fade, then you know he only wanted sex.

On the other hand, if he respects your boundaries, asks to meet you, wants to take you out, and get to know you a bit without pushing sex, then in all likelihood he's the real deal and is seeking a relationship versus a quick hook up.

Edited June 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[kendahke]

7 hours ago, Keykey1 said:

So how do I know the difference between a guy looking for just sex and something more if both sound the same? 

that's just it--a guy only looking for sex is going to talk about sex way before your involvement has developed the legs to carry a relationship.  You have to not be so desperate for a relationship that you give yourself permission to overlook this.

A guy who is looking for more understands that the kind of woman he wants more with isn't going to allow herself to be talked into sex without first getting to know him. Also, you have to learn when a man is taking your temperature for dtf.  If a guy is going hard in the sexting before meeting you and at least having a face to face conversation about what you both want out of life, he's not thinking long term with you. He's thinking sex right now and tomorrow, he used to didn't know you.

I suggest you watch some Derrick Jaxn videos on YouTube from about 18 months ago--he does address this.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Keykey1 said:

Nice to hear from a guy’s view. So how do I know the difference between a guy looking for just sex and something more if both sound the same? 

You don't sext with them before meeting, for starters. 

See if the guy is interested to meet you and get to  know you before sexual innuendo start flying. You'll have an easier time sussig out the serious guys from the sex-oriented ones if you draw that boundary. 

[5x5]

I agree with others, that it's not a good idea to do sexting before you even meet the guy. Especially because on actually meeting in person, neither of you may be attracted to the other at all.

[Roswell91]

23 hours ago, Keykey1 said:

Hi guys

This is my first time posting on a website so please bear with me!

So I finally decided to sign up to hinge about a month ago and I started talking to this guy. Maybe its because I just came back from a bad date but he seemed refreshing and nice. 

So for the next couple of weeks we would speak everyday via text which led me to believe he is genuinely looking for something other than a hook up due to the questions he asked. We planned to meet up last Sunday but he cancelled - he said something about rain and walking in the park not being ideal - which sound like a reasonable enough excuse but then I felt that familiar dreaded feeling when he didn't bother to message me during the day. Still haven't heard anything back the next day so I messaged him asking if he's ever going to reschedule in a joking way, to which he replied straight away with another day and time - of course i wish I never did now but I'm so impatient (something I need to work harder on). Now this is the bit where perhaps I messed up on so would be grateful for some advice on; our conversations were sexually charged which i must admit is my fault for getting ahead of myself and therefore I was ok with the sexts- but I thought he was different! Fast forward to our planned meet up today and i was anxious at first I must admit, due to him cancelling previously but he sent a good morning text and we were exchanging texts back and forth until he made a comment about coming round instead to which I asked if he's only looking for a hookup - he denied it and asked if I was and I said no to which he responded to very positively but not sure if it was miscommunication or he never had good intentions to begin with but he said it's awkward to meet up after I said it's better to have a convo in person about expectations. I was confused so I said I thought we both wanted to get to know the other better hence why we're meeting up? Well this was his response; 

Me: can you let me know if we're still meeting up? If not so I can make other plans

Him: To be honest I'm not really feeling this. I'm sorry if I have led you on but I guess I'm not as ready to start dating as I thought. I wish you all the best for the future.

He blocked me straight away after sending the message. 

My question is was it too soon for the sexts and is it better to always make my intentions clear from the get go? I always think that's too much too soon but advice on how to approach this in the future is welcomed especially on dating websites. Did you scare him away with my persistence or am I being hard on myself? I know everyone always says the right one is out there but I feel like a deer in headlights when it comes to dating. And how to recognise red flags when they aren't obvious?

I'm sorry this is so long but I want to meet someone decent and genuine without the game playing and dishonesty and therefore I would be grateful for the advice. 

Don't  sext a guy if you're looking for something  serious. You're sending out the wrong message. Hence why he asked to come around..and then basically ghosted you when he realised he wasnt going to get what he wants.

Even sending sexts to a guy who is looking for something long term, it would probably lessen your value in his eyes. 

Message briefly, get to know the person a little..then meet..and see how things can progress from there. 

 

[d0nnivain]

20 hours ago, Keykey1 said:

So how do I know the difference between a guy looking for just sex and something more if both sound the same? 

You see if the man has any sense of balance.  Anybody who texts you daily in the beginning before meeting does not have balance.  It's too much too soon.  

With the pandemic it was different because you couldn't meet up.  But generally you have 3-5 conversations & then meet.  

You judge actions not words but they do have to match.  

[Ami1uwant]

21 hours ago, Keykey1 said:

Nice to hear from a guy’s view. So how do I know the difference between a guy looking for just sex and something more if both sound the same? 

 

Coming ftom a guy...

when he responds to things does he say me tools? Or saying stuff that matcghes with you?

dieshe talk about wanting to meet right now?

.

[Keykey1]

52 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

Coming ftom a guy...

when he responds to things does he say me tools? Or saying stuff that matcghes with you?

dieshe talk about wanting to meet right now?

.

He responded a lot with me toos which I did call him out on. Come to think about it he did always match my answers! With meeting up, he initiated both times to meet up but he cancelled on the day. 

I think I have a slightly better idea of how to approach things going forward. Thank you all so much for the input and advice so far.

[Hopeful30]

On 6/25/2020 at 3:33 PM, Mystery4u said:

Talk is cheap, means nothing, us men will spin whatever words we can if it means getting into a woman's knickers...

Thank you for this. I have been dating recently and have been doubting the interests of one guy (that I like) because he doesn't text frequently. After video chatting and meeting him, I realized he's genuinely not attached to his phone and the conversation in person is much better.

Text chat is not a true reflection of a person. This is, unfortunately, why online dating has low success rates. Plus, lifting your thumbs to spell a few pretty words isn't genuine effort, but if it's easy to find sex this way, men will tell you whatever they think you want to hear. It's easier than *real* effort to get sex.

[d0nnivain]

Now you're getting it Hopeful30 

[preraph]

It's both sad and lovely that so many good-hearted women are so loathe to face this grim reality.

[Giovane]

On 6/25/2020 at 6:45 PM, Keykey1 said:

our conversations were sexually charged which i must admit is my fault for getting ahead of myself and therefore I was ok with the sexts- but I thought he was different!

As a general rule, I try to judge people's motives not by what they say, but by the things they do, because all too often, people will say silly things about what they are like or what they want, when their actual behavior points in another direction.

Hence, if a girl engages in sexting with me, I'm going to assume that sex is somewhere near the forefront of her mind, no matter what else she might be saying.

If you don't want sex to be a topic early on, then stay away from sexting.