rainbow12 Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 I don't know if I'm paranoid or become too impatient but..I talk to this guy for about a week and a half, I like him and he text me sometimes first, he sends me a video where he works and does show interest in speaking to me, he said's that he doesn't get much sleep because he got up at 4 and only had 4 hour sleep, he works all week and works night shifts, it was his turn to answer me, I weren't asking him a question in my last reponse only about what I was doing and told him to check out a comedy video of what I watched because it's funny, he left it for a day and hasn't responded since. I don't know if he will respond to me when he comes back from work, but he normally text me in the morning. I mean, should I ask him is he ok is he sleeping alright still? Or just wait for him to come to me. You know..I get he is much busier than me and earns a living than me but..I want to feel somewhat important, even if it's a tiny bit, it's hardly too much to ask. I don't think he has much experience with women anyway because I had to ask him why he doesn't ask me many questions and he joke and then continue to ask me more questions about myself as what virtual friends or something should do. I just can't figure guys at or what their mindset is but I get paranoid and think what if..he's changed his mind and decides to try and be kind about it by ghosting me when I never ask a question or what if he decided to talk to someone else because he's not interested in me well that's his choice but I'm just baffled. I believe that guys only stay interested for a short time that's why they ghost a lot of women, but then when I first started speaking to him, he did pause in his account because he said he likes to talk to one person at a time even before I said it's ok for him to talk to other girls because he has options and it's ok to multiple date. What should I do?
ExpatInItaly Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 Slow down there, OP. You're letting your anxiety get the best of you. You barely know this guy. Have you met him in person? You don't know his habits, what else he might have going on, what other priorities he has. No, don't ask him if he's okay. Just leave it to him to pick the conversation back up. Assume that if he is in fact interested, he will resume it soon. Don't hit the panic button. 3
Author rainbow12 Posted June 25, 2020 Author Posted June 25, 2020 7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Slow down there, OP. You're letting your anxiety get the best of you. You barely know this guy. Have you met him in person? You don't know his habits, what else he might have going on, what other priorities he has. No, don't ask him if he's okay. Just leave it to him to pick the conversation back up. Assume that if he is in fact interested, he will resume it soon. Don't hit the panic button. No, I've never met him and you're right, I don't know anything about him yet, I'm too quick to jump to the negative often. I guess since I've never had a boyfriend, it's made me judge a lot. I just feel insecure when it comes to guys like they don't like me enough as they claim. You're right, I need to get a grip and slow down. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 3 minutes ago, rainbow12 said: No, I've never met him and you're right, I don't know anything about him yet, I'm too quick to jump to the negative often. I guess since I've never had a boyfriend, it's made me judge a lot. I just feel insecure when it comes to guys like they don't like me enough as they claim. You're right, I need to get a grip and slow down. The problem is that until you meet in person, you won't have any idea if you two even have chemistry. There is no reason to panic if he doesn't like you; you don't know enough about him to really even like him yet either. This is just a random guy you're getting to know. Keep perspective and don't let your insecurity lead. 3
Erik30 Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 Don't text him to ask if there's something wrong. It's too much and it's too soon. If a girl would send me a message like that after just a week of texting, I would see that as a red flag. Just relax and "wait" for him to text you back. And if he doesn't, who cares... he's just some guy who you don't really know. Move on to the next one 4
Author rainbow12 Posted June 25, 2020 Author Posted June 25, 2020 13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: The problem is that until you meet in person, you won't have any idea if you two even have chemistry. There is no reason to panic if he doesn't like you; you don't know enough about him to really even like him yet either. This is just a random guy you're getting to know. Keep perspective and don't let your insecurity lead. When he sent the video, I know it's not the same as a meet up, but I am physically attracted to him, how he express and how he talks in the video but I guess that's still not chemistry as meeting someone and bonding with them
ExpatInItaly Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 2 hours ago, rainbow12 said: When he sent the video, I know it's not the same as a meet up, but I am physically attracted to him, how he express and how he talks in the video but I guess that's still not chemistry as meeting someone and bonding with them That's a good start but it's just that - a start. It is nowhere near enough to know how you will get on in person. Don't get too attached too quickly. A video and 10 days of messaging are just barely scratching the surface of who a person is or what they have to offer. See if he picks up the conversation again. Don't ask him if he's okay. This is his opportunity to demonstrate his interest, so let him now show you where it's at. If he doesn't reach out, it's no big loss. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 It's not your job to fill in the blanks for him. Let him do much more of the work. And who cares if he disappears? It will just mean he is not meant for you. 4
Author rainbow12 Posted June 25, 2020 Author Posted June 25, 2020 He responded he said, Sorry, for the late reply, he's been stressed with work and been real busy and hope I had a good week. I won't respond straight away. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, rainbow12 said: He responded he said, Sorry, for the late reply, he's been stressed with work and been real busy and hope I had a good week. I won't respond straight away. When you do finally respond, just try to be light and breezy. The point is that it's only been a week (ok 1.5 week but still) that you've been in each others' lives. Guys are notorious for getting over-excited and making up a fantasy you--which is why you get every day texts initially.. And girls are notorious for imaging it as a real relationship when you get a little bit of consistency like every day texts. Bottom line: you haven't met yet, you might not meet each other's expectations; either of you could lose interest and so on. Just remember he doesn't owe you anything and you don't owe him anything. I would say acting as if a relationship is a guarantee is one of the biggest reasons guys lose interest. And yes you could be conveying that in just a week and a half. It could even be more of his fault but if he feels "obligated" it's not fun anymore. Try to act like a relationship is NOT a guarantee. You won't know til you know and you certainly don't know now! Treat him more like a friend or flirty friend. Because that is all that he really is at this point. BTW, it's more than manipulating when you respond to him (though that is a decent start). If you really believe what I am saying, it will come across in the wording you use with him and other ways (non-verbal communication when you meet in person. And you want to continue that for a while because it's not serious. Try not to show your irritability, impatience or anxiety. One of the best ways to do that is lower your expectations. He wasn't in your life 2 weeks ago and you will be fine if he isn't a week from now. While his "explanation" sounds fine on the surface, it can often be the gateway to slowly fading away so make sure you still don't over-invest, push for anything, etc. If the excuse is genuine and he has an intention to date you, he will figure a way out to squeeze it in. He should be afraid to lose you so don't offer so much security that he won't think he might. Indifference with a light attitude (like something else better could be/is just around the corner or tugging at your attention) is far greater than showing the emotion that his lack of attention is bothering you. A) it shouldn't be; at this point if it is, your expectations are out of line B) it will have the opposite effect of what you want. Good luck Edited June 26, 2020 by Versacehottie
poppyfields Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 4 hours ago, rainbow12 said: He responded he said, Sorry, for the late reply, he's been stressed with work and been real busy and hope I had a good week. I won't respond straight away. I don't think you need to respond at all nor do I think he is wanting you to respond. There was no question for you to answer, not even how are you? Or if he wanted to engage you in conversation, he might have asked "how is your week going?" versus his ever so flat and meh "hope you had a good week." Ugh. I'd let this one go, he's lukewarm at best! If he's interested (massive IF), let him double text with something for you to actually respond to, like a question. Engaging you. 1
Author rainbow12 Posted June 26, 2020 Author Posted June 26, 2020 5 hours ago, Versacehottie said: BTW, it's more than manipulating when you respond to him (though that is a decent start) What do you mean?
smackie9 Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 Here's a tip: Stop investing yourself so much. take a step back and breeeeaath. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, rainbow12 said: What do you mean? Sorry that wasn't very clear...I mean the timeframe in which you respond to a guy who has been fading on you, disappeared on you for a few days or even broke his normal pattern of reaching out you (as this guy did) cannot be the only "game" you play. lol, before people get mad at me for saying game-playing--I mean that you can "manipulate" your own response time back by replying later than you received the message and later than YOU would have normally to convey (ie manipulate or try to) his perception of how you've taken his disappearance. It's one thing to do and sure you can fake it til you make it. On the other hand it is a very transparent counter reaction to most savvy guys and they typically see through it and frankly for a guy who is fading on you it is exactly what he probably hopes for (because he is already feeling OBLIGATED to deal with you). So I mean it's a "start" if it is also backed up by a genuine attitude like the one I explained above--that he is not guaranteed a relationship with you, perhaps you have other things going on (don't try to make him jealous that is a dead giveaway). Like you, you really deep down need to dial back your expectations and see this guy and his actions for what they are worth and how it causes you to invest, ie not much--and let that attitude shine through. It's fun now at best and don't expect more. Convey the fun, friendly part, nothing more, nothing less. Well you could do less, ie don't respond at all, if you feel he's not meeting your expectations. So first get your expectations in line (they were a bit over) and then see if he meets them. This is why its hard when guys go too much at the beginning because there will undoubtedly be a letdown and some unsure feelings which can be catastrophic at the beginning of a relationship and often leads a girl to do or convey a neediness or unreasonable for length of time dating expectations which also can be catastrophic. The beginning of dating is a fragile thing. If someone pulls back on you--which regardless of his reason or said reason-- he did. You respond similarly so at least things can be on an equal ground. It gives a chance to set back to neutral without someone making judgement calls on you that may or may not be true--they actually may be part of a scenario that he created but of course he will probably never see it like that. Anyway, you can't talk you way back in with someone. You have to manage yourself like you have other things going on, other people you can or will date and that you will be fine. Edited June 26, 2020 by Versacehottie
preraph Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 He made a point to tell you he works alot and doesn't get much sleep, so most people would know that meant he doesn't have a lot of time to waste. Leave him alone. If he's interested, you'll hear from him again. If he's not, there's no magic text to make him. 2
poppyfields Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 (edited) 44 minutes ago, preraph said: He made a point to tell you he works alot and doesn't get much sleep, so most people would know that meant he doesn't have a lot of time to waste. Leave him alone. If he's interested, you'll hear from him again. If he's not, there's no magic text to make him. Agree. No amount of strategizing or timing your response times will make a lukewarm man hot for you. It might result in his ego being drawn to the challenge you now present, but that is not the same as genuine attraction and interst. And if you do respond, what would you even say? There was literally nothing in his extremely lukewarm (cold) message for you to respond to! Don't pick up his slack, nothing good or positive will ever come from that. It also sends a very poor covert message to him. I would next him, bye. Edited June 26, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Roswell91 Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 On 6/25/2020 at 1:29 PM, rainbow12 said: I don't know if I'm paranoid or become too impatient but..I talk to this guy for about a week and a half, I like him and he text me sometimes first, he sends me a video where he works and does show interest in speaking to me, he said's that he doesn't get much sleep because he got up at 4 and only had 4 hour sleep, he works all week and works night shifts, it was his turn to answer me, I weren't asking him a question in my last reponse only about what I was doing and told him to check out a comedy video of what I watched because it's funny, he left it for a day and hasn't responded since. I don't know if he will respond to me when he comes back from work, but he normally text me in the morning. I mean, should I ask him is he ok is he sleeping alright still? Or just wait for him to come to me. You know..I get he is much busier than me and earns a living than me but..I want to feel somewhat important, even if it's a tiny bit, it's hardly too much to ask. I don't think he has much experience with women anyway because I had to ask him why he doesn't ask me many questions and he joke and then continue to ask me more questions about myself as what virtual friends or something should do. I just can't figure guys at or what their mindset is but I get paranoid and think what if..he's changed his mind and decides to try and be kind about it by ghosting me when I never ask a question or what if he decided to talk to someone else because he's not interested in me well that's his choice but I'm just baffled. I believe that guys only stay interested for a short time that's why they ghost a lot of women, but then when I first started speaking to him, he did pause in his account because he said he likes to talk to one person at a time even before I said it's ok for him to talk to other girls because he has options and it's ok to multiple date. What should I do? It's only been a week and a half . Don't stress so much. Neither of you even know the other that well. When it comes to online dating, you have to develop a tougher outer shell and go with the flow. As for his interest, maybe he is interested but is busy at work and life etc etc...let him come to you. 2
kendahke Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 (edited) On 6/25/2020 at 8:29 AM, rainbow12 said: I want to feel somewhat important On 6/25/2020 at 8:29 AM, rainbow12 said: I talk to this guy for about a week and a half, ten days is a bit too soon to be demanding importance from someone you haven't met in person and don't know. How about slowing you roll and letting this develop at a less desperate pace? He doesn't owe you devotion. In the meantime, stop living this out in your head and talk to other guys. Edited June 26, 2020 by kendahke 1
Miss Spider Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 Men in this era generally don’t leave a text unanswered for a day if they’re interested. He’s probably not, but that’s okay. It’s only been a week and you haven’t even met yet. He prolly busy, talking to friends, talking to other girls, just living his life. Don’t sweat it too much
Author rainbow12 Posted June 26, 2020 Author Posted June 26, 2020 (edited) The reason I only talk to him is because I find it really confusing to have multiple conversations with other guys. I'll slow down my pace and I do reply later on like he does. So everything is a neutral ground. I do see him as a friend or friends that are attracting each other slightly. He hasn't engaged in much conversation I expected that. He changed his profile picture, but I haven't said anything about that yet, I think if he comes to me again then I will compliment his picture to make him know I'm still interested. In my opinion him texting me saying he's sorry for being busy and he's been stressed, I rather if he did that than not reply to me at all. He's working all day and.. I can't expect all the attention from him and I would also get bored because it's just texting anyway, It's not like if we met I can be affectionate towards him and him towards me, that's broken because of this world we are living in. I told him my dog is ill and his apologetic about that, we just ended that small talk from there. Edited June 26, 2020 by rainbow12
Versacehottie Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 (edited) 26 minutes ago, rainbow12 said: The reason I only talk to him is because I find it really confusing to have multiple conversations with other guys. I'll slow down my pace and I do reply later on like he does. So everything is a neutral ground. I do see him as a friend or friends that are attracting each other slightly. He hasn't engaged in much conversation I expected that. He changed his profile picture, but I haven't said anything about that yet, I think if he comes to me again then I will compliment his picture to make him know I'm still interested. In my opinion him texting me saying he's sorry for being busy and he's been stressed, I rather if he did that than not reply to me at all. He's working all day and.. I can't expect all the attention from him and I would also get bored because it's just texting anyway, It's not like if we met I can be affectionate towards him and him towards me, that's broken because of this world we are living in. I told him my dog is ill and his apologetic about that, we just ended that small talk from there. In all honesty, what is too confusing about talking to other guys? You are giving too much weight to any one guy if you think like that. And wasting your own time. You are on track to have wasted at least 1 month of your time on this guy and if he disappears (and i have to admit it's not looking good), all you've done is waste time. I'm wondering why you guys haven't made plans yet to meet up? Covid-related? or one of his excuses or he just hasn't asked? TBH, IMO if he is changing his profile then he is making little tweaks to try to continue to drum up interest on the dating app. So then that goes back to the question of why would you shut down all your other dating opportunities and almost give him girlfriend like loyalty in the way that you are not talking to anyone else when he is (obviously) still searching and going to pick the best of the bunch? And he may not even do that--the point is he doesn't look like he is moving forward with you/not exactly. The other point is that he isn't giving you that sort of loyalty yet and definitely does not find it confusing to talk to multiple people. He couldn't even find time to return your text when he's so "stressed and busy with work" yet found the time to put up a new dating app photo. You'd rather that he didn't reply to you (which i pretty much agree with) but then why are you leaving yourself open and effectively setting aside time for him. I know you will probably say you aren't setting aside time for him but "opportunity cost" of not pursuing other guys is doing just that. A lot of guys aren't great with small talk. They aren't wordy like that and don't see a direct purpose. In general, a lot of them are programmed to see things with direct purpose, which should further have you wondering why he is not trying to set up your first date. I'm just trying to be real. You can want this to work out quite a lot or you can be very realistic about it. If I remember correctly, I think you said you were somewhat inexperienced so trying to show you some of the things that can be going on in his mind, that is normal of dating so you can navigate things the best for yourself BTW, it could even be not for any negative reason that he doesn't like you. He might like you but is genuinely too busy with work AND not compelled enough to date specifically you. In other words, it doesn't have to have a dark meaning for why he's not moving forward but often is more of a lukewarm thing or other priorities. But the end result is the same--you don't wait for people like this. Edited June 26, 2020 by Versacehottie
Author rainbow12 Posted June 26, 2020 Author Posted June 26, 2020 31 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: In all honesty, what is too confusing about talking to other guys? You are giving too much weight to any one guy if you think like that. And wasting your own time. You are on track to have wasted at least 1 month of your time on this guy and if he disappears (and i have to admit it's not looking good), all you've done is waste time. I'm wondering why you guys haven't made plans yet to meet up? Covid-related? or one of his excuses or he just hasn't asked? TBH, IMO if he is changing his profile then he is making little tweaks to try to continue to drum up interest on the dating app. So then that goes back to the question of why would you shut down all your other dating opportunities and almost give him girlfriend like loyalty in the way that you are not talking to anyone else when he is (obviously) still searching and going to pick the best of the bunch? And he may not even do that--the point is he doesn't look like he is moving forward with you/not exactly. The other point is that he isn't giving you that sort of loyalty yet and definitely does not find it confusing to talk to multiple people. He couldn't even find time to return your text when he's so "stressed and busy with work" yet found the time to put up a new dating app photo. You'd rather that he didn't reply to you (which i pretty much agree with) but then why are you leaving yourself open and effectively setting aside time for him. I know you will probably say you aren't setting aside time for him but "opportunity cost" of not pursuing other guys is doing just that. A lot of guys aren't great with small talk. They aren't wordy like that and don't see a direct purpose. In general, a lot of them are programmed to see things with direct purpose, which should further have you wondering why he is not trying to set up your first date. I'm just trying to be real. You can want this to work out quite a lot or you can be very realistic about it. If I remember correctly, I think you said you were somewhat inexperienced so trying to show you some of the things that can be going on in his mind, that is normal of dating so you can navigate things the best for yourself BTW, it could even be not for any negative reason that he doesn't like you. He might like you but is genuinely too busy with work AND not compelled enough to date specifically you. In other words, it doesn't have to have a dark meaning for why he's not moving forward but often is more of a lukewarm thing or other priorities. But the end result is the same--you don't wait for people like this. If I talk to other guys, the conversations I have with them would be confusing because I don't know who said what in the conversations, it is all jumble up. If someone says they gave up a marathon because of the lockdown I'm going to then think which guy said that? Just because I'm relying on one guy to speak with doesn't mean I'm completely relying on him, if we are just friends and that's it, then I haven't wasted my time because we have something in common and I got to know him. It may be a slight waste of time I agree, but at the end of it, he did treat me with respect by not talking about bedroom stuff. You know..talking to other guys the ongoing process is more of a full employment job and I just need a break even if it does include talking to him. He's just better than nothing for now. You're right, he could be lukewarm, he could be genuinely busy, he could have other priorities, I'm just waiting how it turns out. I would know before a month if he doesn't meet my expectations. I meant he changed his Instagram profile picture not the dating, Plus I can't see him on dating cause it's disappeared. I said I, rather if he told me he's busier than ghosting me completely. I rather have some less closure than nothing.
Author rainbow12 Posted June 26, 2020 Author Posted June 26, 2020 We haven't discussed about the meet up at all.
basil67 Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 A quick question on logistics: if he hasn’t got time to text you, how will he have time to date you? 2
Roswell91 Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 4 hours ago, rainbow12 said: If I talk to other guys, the conversations I have with them would be confusing because I don't know who said what in the conversations, it is all jumble up. If someone says they gave up a marathon because of the lockdown I'm going to then think which guy said that? Just because I'm relying on one guy to speak with doesn't mean I'm completely relying on him, if we are just friends and that's it, then I haven't wasted my time because we have something in common and I got to know him. It may be a slight waste of time I agree, but at the end of it, he did treat me with respect by not talking about bedroom stuff. You know..talking to other guys the ongoing process is more of a full employment job and I just need a break even if it does include talking to him. He's just better than nothing for now. You're right, he could be lukewarm, he could be genuinely busy, he could have other priorities, I'm just waiting how it turns out. I would know before a month if he doesn't meet my expectations. I meant he changed his Instagram profile picture not the dating, Plus I can't see him on dating cause it's disappeared. I said I, rather if he told me he's busier than ghosting me completely. I rather have some less closure than nothing. Unfortunately people just ghost. It doesn't happen often where people are so considerate, that theyll send a parting message. 1
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