CircumstantialVictim Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Please bear with me, this requires some explanation. I've known this woman at my work for just over a year now. I'm sure we both consider eachother 'friends,' and we seem to seek out eachother's company frequently. We do not work directly together, and don't even have to see one another at the office if we don't want to. We each tell eachother things that I'm sure we don't tell others at the office, but have yet to mention anything about feelings for eachother - not even a 'just friends' delaration yet. I really like this woman. Just knowing how much I could like her was one of the things that helped me finally end a long-standing crappy relationship with someone else. Naturally, I'm madly in love with this person - not in a rebound sort of way either - but I'm pretty sure she has no idea how I feel, even thought seems obvious to me that I act like I like her. Of course, there is a problem. She has a boyfriend. They've been involved for almost as long as my ex and I were, and our relationships seem so similar that its almost scary. He is a big control freak, and I believe she is very loyal - to the point that contact outside of work is nearly impossible. She's been complaining about him, and they've almost broken up a few times, but its a very involved relationship - dogs, joint bank accounts, living together, etc... They keep going back and forth, and I think she might also feel obligated to stay with him because of all she's invested into their relationship - this was also my biggest challenge in finally ending my relationship with my ex. She's also very busy with work and school, and I know restarting a love relationship probably sounds impossible at this time for her. I would never interfere in her relationship because that's been done to me, and I know it never works out for the perpetrator - besides, I'm a chicken when it comes to love. However, I feel like if I don't say something soon we could both be missing out on something really special. Part of me thinks that she is afraid of being alone, or that she might think I'm just looking for a rebound. Also, this woman has been known to run from one long-term relationship to the next, which means any window could be very short. To complicate matters, this woman and her best friend (also relative) work together. Now they're trying to set me up with another one of their friends. From what I've heard, she may be more attractive than the woman I'm interested in. I guess I'll use this opportunity to judge my own physical appeal by the look of the woman they set me up with. I also think this might be some sort of test. The woman I like is smart, and she might know exactly what is going on, or she could be totally clueless. I guess I'll go and see how this setup seems, but there is no possible way I could ever like this girl I'm being setup with more than the one who is doing the setting up. Maybe she's just trying to force me through the rebound stage- but again, I'm not really rebounding. So, I feel I at least owe it to this woman any myself to tell her how I feel. Nothing pushy or gushy and no manipulation, just a "To be honest, I really like you, but I don't want to make work akward and I won't interfere with your current relationship" chat. Also, I know I could simply tell her friend how I feel and it would get around to her, but that seems... childish, and might do more harm than good. I might go out a few times with people, but I'll always know this woman is the one I want to be with. I'd risk our casual work relationship for something bigger, but I don't want to end up with nothing at all, and I don't want bad love karma for interfering with her boyfriend - I want her to come to me, or if she breaks up with him, I will make my move then. However, I'm afraid this waiting game could go on forever. Her BF sucks, but he hasn't cheated that I know of, and its hard for her to find a real solid reason to leave him - which she seems to need. I don't want to have to be that reason, but I'm willing to. I know she's not as happy as she should be, and she gets treated poorly. Also, the company we work at is a sinking ship, she doesn't have a cell phone, and if I lose my contact with her here, there is almost no chance anything will ever come of this. Also, i need to know how she feels soon so that I can get over her and move on if I have to. Someone please help me. -Hands tied in Ohio
Art_Critic Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Your not thinking with a clear head.. First off she is taken .... TAKEN Second.. You work with her. Now if she wasn't taken.. and by the sounds of that happening are nil to none.. Then you would only have to weigh how much you want to keep your job. Personally I think you need to find another girl that you really can date instead of her.. Who you can't
Author CircumstantialVictim Posted October 10, 2005 Author Posted October 10, 2005 Thanks for your input art critic, but I think you're oversimplifying the situation. 1- I respect the 'taken' fact. However, I think she might be in a "this is the best I can do" mentality, and that simply isn't true. Also, her BF is notoriously jealous, and may be prone to flipping out - which I think she understandably wants to avoid. 2 -We do not work with eachother. We simply work in the same building. Our contact consists of: smoke breaks, going to pick up lunch, and bowling night. If things went bad, it would be very easy not to have to come into contact with eachother. Several people from this company have become married because of just this dynamic. 3- I wouldn't/won't directly interfere with the BF, but is it fair to her/myself if I say nothing at all? Personally, it strikes me that someone with as much time as you clearly have for posting on this site is probably not someone who's advice I should apply to a real world situation without questioning it first. What we have here is a situation teetering on the verge of "women want you to come get them," "are we friends or more?" and "don't be the other guy." I can't find a balance between them, but I really don't think its healthy for myself if I do nothing. Rejection would be painful and akward, but that's what I am dealing with on a nearly daily basis anyway.
Art_Critic Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 1- I respect the 'taken' fact. However, I think she might be in a "this is the best I can do" mentality, and that simply isn't true. Also, her BF is notoriously jealous, and may be prone to flipping out - which I think she understandably wants to avoid. Okay.. the work issue isn't as bad then being it is just in the same building.. But.. You are not respecting the "taken" fact.. In fact you are making decisions about her relationship with another man that you should not be making.. The relationship that she is having is HERS not YOURS.. Their relationship and it's merits are NOT your business... I think you need to walk away. You are not going to convice her to leave him for you.. By trying you will get shown the door.. She is taken. and until SHE decides to breakup with him there is nothing you can do..except move on and find someone eligible to date
Art_Critic Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Personally, it strikes me that someone with as much time as you clearly have for posting on this site is probably not someone who's advice I should apply to a real world situation without questioning it first. I just read this... I will not post anymore to your threads.. Insulting the posters is not a good way to get advice.. I happen to be an employer with alot of time on my hands.. Now I see why you are in the situation to begin with Good day sir.. And by the way.. When she hands you your head and you lose in this situation.. ( which you will ) Please come back and post on this thread as a catchup so we all know that YOUR WAY didn't work
Author CircumstantialVictim Posted October 10, 2005 Author Posted October 10, 2005 Sorry about before, critic. I really wasn't trying to insult you, but I can see how it came across that way. I'm the type to over-question just about everything, which is actually closer to the real reason why I'm in this situation. Forum-based advice is something i've never tried before, so I'm pretty pessimistic about it - please excuse my brashness. For whatever it's worth, you should know that interfering with this woman's relationship directly or even suggesting a course of action for her was never an option for me. Its something I have had done to me, and I wouldn't do it to others. I'm simply wondering if I should say anything at all. IE- be honest, tell her i have feelings for her and leave it at that, tell her friend how i feel - not really an option in my mind since it shows weak character, or just say nothing. I agree with you that her relationship is not my business, but I'm not being honest with either her or myself the way things are now. I want to do the right thing, even if it just means staying mute - which is what my plan has been for the last 6 months: (funny, that doesn't sound like blatently manipulating her into leaving her boyfriend at all). If there are any females out there that have experienced anything similar to this from either side, I would love to hear your input.
Recommended Posts